March 2014

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Do submissive’s have to own toys to be considered in a relationship or owned and collared?



Someone I was talking to told me that you are and can only be a slave when you are owned and collared by a Master otherwise you are just a submissive and still even just a submissive to those that , that person plays with causally. Is this true?

It may be true to them, but it’s all a matter of identity. Identity is personal. If you identify as a slave, then be a slave. Don’t let someone else tell you aren’t who you say you are.

What are some of the weirdest fetishes that you have ever heard of?

I really can’t say I have heard of any that strike me as weird anymore. I’ve been into BDSM and have met a lot of people that were different than I am. Perhaps they were weird at one point when I was new, but not anymore.

Can submissive’s approach a Dom about being their Dom? If so how should one go about doing this?

Yes. Assuming that you are in a relationship with someone, or wishing to be you’d do something along the lines of, “hi, I think we have a lot of things in common. Do you want to go out?” Then, get to know each other, when the time feels right you can ask them if they’d like to be your Dom. “Would you like to be my Dom?” tends to work just fine in that situation.

Dear LunaKM,

I was just wondering what an “Alpha Slave” was? Is there such a thing as an “Alpha Submissive”?

Thank You

An alpha slave is a primary slave in a hierarchical poly relationship where there is more than one slave. Commonly this slave can give direction and orders in the absence of the Dominant. Yes there can be alpha submissives. It’s based on identity and position in the household.

You said some time ago you look forward to one day have a full corset down your back, laced and looking pretty, for an entire play party….. do you keep dreaming about it ever?
Sure I’d love a corset that fits well enough to wear long term even. I do have to prioritize though and work on my weight and fitness before that could ever happen.
The day you showed pictures about your adventures with needles, you said Master wants to skywer your pussy. Did he try it finally? If he didn’t, do you keep nervous about it? Worried or excited? Is it a challenge for you? By the way, I respect, of course, all you think about your breast, but I think the pictures about your breast wearing the needles are amazing and pretty.
No he hasn’t tried it. We’ve only done needle play twice, once I shared pictures on the blog, and one time since. I’m not worried about needles in my nether regions but it’s scary to think about. I trust him and I enjoy pain play so I’m sure he’ll do it eventually and I’ll love it.
Finally, if you say you don’t like nipple clamps on your nipples, was the needles throught your nipple very painful for you? In all ways, you got my smile when you said you were asking the needle presenter a couple months back to make it hurt more. You are extremely brave :) . You talked about something great for you is the mixture sex and pain. In a extreme moment in sex, were you going to enjoy the nipple clamps hurting on your nipples?
Needles through skin cannot really be compared to nipple clamps of any sort. The pain is different. With the needles, after they went in the pain subsided and didn’t hurt unless he did one of those ways we learned to make it hurt more. Nipple clamps hurt constantly and the pinching on my nipples is just too ouchy in a bad way for me to get into a positive head space.
Master has placed nipple clamps on me during sex and I have a really really hard time focusing – that doesn’t stop him from enjoying watching me try to process everything going on though.

From 3 to 5

This past week Master spent some time at froggy’s. While there we were still in contact so I don’t think I was as lonely as I could have been.  I was still pretty lonely though. It’s interesting how you can be around someone all the time and ache for a little alone time, but when you have it the only thought you have is when they’ll be back.

I went about my usual day while he was gone. I didn’t want to change the routine too much since he’d expect things to be a certain way when he got home. I think doing that helped with the missing him feelings.

That and he texted me a lot. :D

Master and I had a conversation the other day, before he left about my weight loss efforts and that the current level of exercise I’m doing isn’t making a difference on the scale yet. He wants me to go to the Dr to see what could be done, but I already know what the Dr will say, “Some people need to exercise more.” So, Master has decided that I will work out 30 mins everyday, skipping the weekend. I’m terrified actually of the increase.

When you are morbidly obese like I am, a lot of physical activities are difficult. I realize that I’ve done this to myself and don’t blame anything or anyone else for my condition. But when someone says you need to diet and exercise I don’t think they realize the complexity of it. I have built in resistance training every time I get up and move around. Whenever I take a step I’m lifting the stomach apron. I’ve got permanent weights under my arms. But with that I have the strength of someone far smaller. So moving is a fight with a high chance of injury.

I’m sure it’s not appealing to think of this, but injury at my size is more likely just from walking. All of my core muscles are weak. So, to have to do more exercise, when I know the current level is very taxing is scary.

I can do it, but I know I’m going to be miserable until I can adjust. And I can hope that the weight starts to lift.

And before any of you preach at me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been reading, learning and practicing diet and exercise my whole life. I know where I’m failing and I know what I should be doing. Your diet won’t work for me. I’m sure I’ve already tried it.

I need permanent change that I can sustain.


How are you or did you enjoy your time alone while your Master is at Froggy’s house? Has it been productive for you to have a little time to yourself or do you work better when He is around?

My alone time has been good. I’ve been a bit more productive with the housework, but that was planned. The rest of my time has been slow and boring. I am enjoying the alone time, but glad I don’t get it that often. It’s a treat this way.

The one thing that I’m finding to be very difficult is sleeping. I lay in bed for hours trying to fall asleep and then when I am asleep I wake up at every little sound I hear. I was never very comfortable sleeping alone and I doubt that will change. I think I’m averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night when I usually get 8-9. I’m feeling it.

Do you still have your FetLife Page? Do you use FetLife? How do you utilize the site? Can anyone be your friend? How does one become your friend on FetLife?

Yes I still have a profile on FetLife. You can find it through my username lunaKM. I am on FetLife everyday. I run a really large group that needs monitoring and I also have a group on there for Submissive Guide. I utilize the site mostly as a way to get topic ideas for Submissive Guide, but also to provide advice there, make connections with the local community and post my Submissive Forum events. There is also an entertainment factor for some of the groups I follow. I am known to lurk in most of them and just read what others say. I enjoy Kinky and Popular to a point. Artistic rope work always gets a love, BBWs always get a love for tasteful pics and I tend to report images that are obviously not the user (watermarks for Yeah, that’s you, right….)

Anyone can be my friend, but I require a message first. And there is a caveat to automatic friends too. I will not friend people who have genitalia as the main focus of their avatar. It’s just not what I want to connect to you. I could care less, honestly what junk you have; male or female. Oh and if you love or comment more than 15 pictures in one go, I tend to gag you on the main feed (which I rarely visit anyway).

Do you keep enjoying with needles? Did you get more of them in your breasts or did you try a bigger size? I remember you said you would like to have bigger breast and you have a fetish about them. Did you think about to get your nipples pierced? Do you wear nipple clamps with chains ever? 

KnyghtMare and I haven’t played with needles in a long while. We’ve not played at all in a long while due to my lack of mood for it. So, since my post about the needle scene nothing has progressed either with quantity or size of needle.

I do have a desire to have larger breasts, as they seem really small compared to my huge body. Maybe when I lose weight they will be more proportionate. I have had a saline infusion once at a party. It was fun – I think they were enlarged a 1/2 cup size for about 3 days.

I’ve had my nipples pierced and they were rejected. I think because I have innies the pressure on the metal forced them out. So I took them out about 9 months after getting them done.

I don’t like nipple clamps really. Well, not ON the nipples anyway. You can place them behind the nipple area or on the areola and I’m fine with it. Directly on the nipple and the pain is very intense and I can’t seem to process it well. I have tried chained nipple clamps for a short time, but that was a long time ago.


I am a much larger women. I weigh about three hundred and twenty pounds. My question to you is that while I am working on losing weight the problem I seem to have is I will start talking to someone on FetLife and then it progresses to where they want to see a picture of me. I don’t post public pictures. I will send them your standard face picture. You can tell I am overweight in my face picture alone and I even express it in my profile. However, when they receive these pictures they vanish. Just up and disappear? What is happening? We could have been talking for a week and I will even mention I am overweight just to make sure they are OK with it and then we exchange pictures and nothing more? Am I doing something wrong? What should I be doing different?

Well unfortunately a lot of men say they are okay with overweight women but once they see the picture and realize their idea of overweight and yours were different and they will jet. It would help if you told them from the get go how much you weighed or said you had the same physical shape as someone famous so they can visualize it.

You aren’t doing anything wrong, you are just encountering people that don’t have similar definitions as you do. It will take some time to find the real admirers and men who like BBWs. It’s rude that they just bail without at least telling you that you aren’t their type but that’s just the way of the internet. I do wish you the best. There are people out there that will love every inch of you.

Dear LunaKM,

Beginning new to BDSM having just recently found out about it (Not through Fifty Shades – LOL) I was wondering if there was a point in which it might be to late for someone to start living or learning about the lifestyle. I am in my mid-thirties and have gone to a few Munches but they always seem to be more populated by a younger crowd. I am on FetLife and have talked to some nice people but outside of the internet it seems you have to be a certain age to be accepted. Maybe it is just my perspective or where I live? Should I just leave the lifestyle alone and chalk things up to being to old to start exploring?

It’s never too late to learn about BDSM or explore kink.  Munches are a mixed bag. Some have a younger crowd and others have an older crowd. And they even vary month by month. Is there another group you can visit nearby to see if they have a mix of people closer to your age?

Don’t give up.


I read in a post that you only postscript FetLife and I was not sure what that meant. Being new at both the scene and being submissive should I avoid FetLife altogether because of the drama or is it still a good site for social support for those who can only connect via computer?

The post you are referring to is my response to danae’s question about recommended resources for novices. What I meant by PS was that I may suggest it but give it more than a mention. I might link them to my impression of FetLife, warn them not to be too sensitive about the trolls and other unmentionable people and just use it to read and learn and explore.

FetLife is still a good site in my opinion, it just has a lot of terrible people. But you’ll get that anywhere. Learn how to use the site’s security features and wear a thick skin and you’ll be fine.


I am submissive but enjoy different types of erotica (porn, novels and such) that are not always BDSM or even Male Led Female Submissive. Does this make me something other then a submissive? I currently do not have a boyfriend or Master.

You preferences in porn and erotica have nothing to do with your own personal role in relationships or the bedroom. I love to watch gay male porn – but that doesn’t make me a gay male.  Everyone has things that turn them on and I’d be more concerned if you restricted yourself to just one small type. Watching a variety means you are normal, accepting and sexually open. Enjoy it!

I know you mention some of the challenges of being a poly on your blog. What do you enjoy about being in a poly relationship?

As funny as this may sound, I don’t consider myself in a poly relationship. I’m monogamous with KnyghtMare and he happens to be poly. I am in a poly group but don’t connect in the same way KM does with froggyKM.

So, what do I enjoy about KM’s poly relationship? I like that he gets the more intense play that I can’t give him from froggyKM because it used to cause a lot of stress on him for having desires that built up and had no outlet. I enjoy that he gets to explore different control aspects and have a very different relationship with froggyKM than he does with me – I can see that as a huge benefit. I enjoy some private time when, like next week, he goes down to see her and I have a few days alone.

My Master wants me to go to a Swing club with him and then progress to a BDSM club, or maybe the other way around. I am not sure. Anyways my question to you is how do you get over the inhibitions about being naked or quasi naked in public? I am a big beautiful woman also and I just was picked on for being fat too much to want to expose myself to ridicule again. Have you ever had an issue like that in one of those kind of clubs? I want to please him. I am just scared of that kind of humiliation. I don’t want to be turned off from this lifestyle because of something like that.

I live in a part of the country that doesn’t have clubs, but we do have parties in private homes and rented places. KnyghtMare and I don’t frequent them anymore, but we have been to a few. So, to start this off, your experience may vary based on where you live and the types of venues you will frequent.

I have no issue being naked in “public”. I am a very large woman. I’m not there to have other people look and appraise me, I’m there to play with KnyghtMare. All my focus goes on him. I’m also a bit of an exhibitionist and love to have people watch me play with him. So much so, that I now have to wear a blindfold because I used to pay attention to the people watching more than him – distracted by playing to the audience is not a way to be in the moment.

As for your situation, talk to your partner and see if you can reveal yourself gradually as you feel comfortable. Also, you do not have to strip to nothing at these clubs and some even have dress codes. I know the ones where I’m at require at least a thong. I know that’s not much for a large woman to consider as clothing – but please know you can still play with clothing on and no one will blink an eye. Wear lingerie (always welcome) or sexy clothing to keep parts of you covered that you don’t want to show. You’ll get the vibe from the club you are in if they are going to be rude or not.

Got questions for me? This month I’m opening my blog for your questions! Personal or general – it doesn’t matter. Go ask me!

What advice do you wish someone had given you when you were starting out as a submissive?

I actually get this question a lot. The one piece of advice I always pass on is to not forget your life experiences before BDSM. So many novices appear to all of a sudden not know how to be in a relationship, date, meet people, talk to people or co-exist now that they have BDSM knowledge or yearning. Use your common sense. Treat people as people. Just because we are kinky doesn’t mean we are no longer able to function the same as everyone else.

People are always coming to you for advice on the lifestyle – so what are your top three sources you recommend as good starting points to know more about the BDSM?

I used to refer people straight to but now I put it as a postscript. So much drama can come out of that site for novices that I don’t want them contacting me telling me they had a really bad experience. The three sources I use now are:

  • Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Jon Jacobs and Molly Devon
  • Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
  • Ambrosio’s Website (

You have been with your Master for I think 10 years, but I am wondering if you were involved in BDSM before him?

I was kink-lite with my first husband. We enjoyed a bit of bondage and role play. Then we got computers and I started reading more about BDSM play, talking with people through Yahoo chat rooms and trying to get my husband to try it out. He wanted to be a cuckold (without knowing the term at the time) but I didn’t want to have sex with anyone else. He tried spanking and stuff but didn’t have the personality I was looking for. When it was determined that our marriage would not continue, I joined the local community and went to munches and parties. That was just over a year before KM moved to the US to be with me.

As far as experience though, I was pretty new with everything.

Thanks for the questions!


Some time ago you posted about hiding binge eating from your Master. Has that been resolved? How was it handled?

I don’t binge eat any more. When I revealed to him that I was binge eating we looked up some support for me through online and book means (face to face was just too expensive). I understood the feelings I was seeking from the eating and I get them from other means now. Also, the foods I was bingeing are no longer in my “able to eat” list because of my gluten intolerance so if I were to eat them, I’d be ill. This isn’t something i want and would be a dead give away to Master that I’d broken my promise.

Was your gluten intolerance “officially” diagnosed? I ask only because I’m close with someone who has, as far as the internet says, every single symptom of gluten intolerance but medical tests say she doesn’t have a gluten intolerance and I’m wondering what the chances are that she could still be gluten ‘sensitive’ without having the official diagnosis and you’re the only other person I know who is gluten intolerant.

No it wasn’t. It’s more likely that I have Celiac, the genetic autoimmune form of gluten intolerance, seeing as my father has it; immediate family has a 1 in 40 chance of having it too. Since I grew up in a household that I was exposed to gluten alternatives I knew what I needed to do to stop eating it. So, I just cleared my food list of gluten containing foods. Within a week or two my digestive issues cleared up, my brain fog went away, the hair and skin issues healed up. It was that quick. I told my Dr that I went gluten free because of my thought that I had gluten intolerance of some sort, what issues had miraculously cleared up because of the dietary change and he wanted to do a test.

A test, once you are gluten free would require me to eat gluten again for at least 2 weeks. I’ve already purged my system so that would mean I’d be very very ill for at least 2 weeks. This isn’t something I’m willing to do. So I told him that I was going to continue under the assumption that I have gluten intolerance and not seek a diagnosis. He has it on my chart now, but only because I showed him the research and with my family history he couldn’t deny the possibility.

Chances are your friend could be gluten sensitive without it registering on a test. If she thinks she might have it, she could go completely gluten free for 2 weeks and see how she feels. If she feels better, then you have an answer. Gluten is in everything, so it’s a hard diet to follow, but worth the physical improvements, that’s for sure. The gluten that she’d need to avoid is also in Barley and Rye – so no beer and many other malted alcohols.

How are things between you and froggy since you blogged your feelings? Are they strained? I found being overly truthful about my feelings sent M’s other at the time running for the hills, which wasn’t my intention at all. It seems a catch 22, doesn’t it?

Things were very strained at first, but we are working on shifting the relationship so that I don’t have to be exposed to it as much. It took me learning about different poly relationships because I thought I’d have to just get over it and deal, when in fact a V style relationship could be completely separate relationships. She understands and Master will do anything I need to happen so that I’m comfortable.

It will work better when we live closer to her – in that I’ll have my place and she’ll have hers. That way I won’t feel invaded and won’t be exposed to the relationship as much. I had to be honest to them because it was negatively affecting me. I was getting physical ill when froggy was visiting, from headaches to stomach aches and flu. It’s better now that everyone knows.

I know your M moved to the states from elsewhere. Presumably, he left family behind. Have you met his family? Will you be traveling to visit with them?

KM is from England. I have not met his family, but we chat on Facebook. He doesn’t really talk to his family at all, he was the black sheep, but I’m sure the eventuality will be that we’ll go visit. I want to be a tourist in England someday!


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