February 2014

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I Get to Play

A couple nights ago I had a hot sexy dream. When I told Master about it the next morning he was very excited to give it a go. Not that he’d hesitate when sex or play is involved. haha.

So in my dream, I tied Master by his arms and legs to the straightback chair we have. From there I did all manner of teasing and naughty things to him to drive him crazy. It all culminated in a blow job for him and an orgasm for me. It was some hot fun stuff.

Well last night I got to act out my fantasy! Oh it was so much fun. I know Master enjoyed himself too. I hope I have steamy sex dreams again soon that I can act out on Master.



An Update

I’ve had a recent bout of headaches and migraines recently. For the first time ever I’ve had a migraine and then a rebound headache/migraine a day after my postdrome (the migraine hangover). ¬†They are troubling me, but I know that the Dr will want to have an MRI and the cost of that right now is not welcome.

Speaking of costs, we are trying yet again to reduce our spending. We are definitely wanting to move this summer and doing it in style – with help. I’m aiming at reducing the food budget further and our lovely pantry is going away so that there is less to pack and move. When the winter ends I’ll be bringing more things to Goodwill.

Things with the whole poly struggle is quiet right now. Everyone understands my request for space and will give it to me as much as is possible. She’ll be here again this weekend. I guess we’ll how things work.

I’ve begun to crave pain play again. It’s been a long time and I’m sure Master misses it. I’ll probably proposition him after froggy’s weekend. While I serve him always, the SM generally comes and goes. While I’d love to be into it all the time, I’m afraid it happens to ebb and flow.

I’m going to go lay down for a bit, this headache cycle needs to be broken, and soon!

KnyghtMare and I have been together almost 10 years now. And I’m still amazed that we can get our wires crossed and have a failure to communicate.

Yeah we are both under a lot of stress, and some of it is caused by my request for distance from the poly relationship. froggy didn’t respond well, as I expected and she thinks I have this hatred for her or something. Which isn’t the case, I dunno. I’m letting Master deal with it.

So therein lies another issue, he’s having to handle two girls’ stress and issues at the same time – while working hard on the next deadline for his job. It definitely can’t be good for him health wise.

We’ve been short with each other. We’ve said some things we both regret saying to one another. And he doesn’t like the way I cope.

So, I’m just venting on here today and I don’t expect anyone to understand since I’m keeping it veiled.

This is my place again. Let the garbage commence.



Thank you folks for commenting on the last post about my difficulty in using this place the way it is intended. I talked with Master and he agrees that I should be able to say whatever I want here and he’ll deal with any responses I get that are from people close to us – if they are negative.

I’ve been struggling with the poly side of our relationship. More specifically feeling invaded in my home and left to watch Master’s relationship with froggy unfold in front of me. It’s already been established that I don’t want to be around when they play or have sex. I’m now also just frustrated, annoyed, uncomfortable when they are just doing relationship things. Sitting together, holding hands, being affectionate. I’m a third wheel and just want to disappear.

My gut fear was that the poly was wrong, but it didn’t feel that way inside. I don’t have any issues with their relationship. I just don’t want to be around when they are acting upon it.

And to make things worse, I was finding those petty annoyances that froggy does as being really offensive. It’s intolerable. A constant sniffle, a reaction to something that made me think it was childish. The silliest things. It’s made me not want to be around her. And it’s not kind to her. I have nothing against her – but my unhappiness has manifest in it.

I need a break from it. Talking with other in poly dynamics has helped immensely. I’ve come to realize that maybe the “V” style relationship we have needs to be more separated. My relationship with Master and his relationship with froggy don’t happen at the same time. It’s not easy being that she drives up here twice a month (or more). The only option I have is to not be at home when they are there. I still have those feelings that she’s invading my home but I also have a relief that I don’t have to be there.

Through talking with others, I’ve come to realize it’s not poly at all since I have no core insecurities with sharing Master. I just don’t like being around it. It’s not uncommon, I’ve been told, to have a relationship with someone and they have another relationship where they go see them and you don’t have to interact all the time together. She could have her place and I mine. It sounds to me like what I really would like to try – as best as I can.

Master is giving me my space as best he can. I can escape to the bedroom when I need to, I can pack up my computer and leave the house when I need to. We are working out a different sleeping routine so that I don’t have to share my bed with froggy.

I know Master would like the two of us to be best of friends, but I can’t get past the fact that she’s his girlfriend first. Sure that keeps her at a distance but that makes me feel better about it.

That’s what’s going on right now.