January 2014

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I Miss Me

I’ve been gone. I know. There’s a lot going on in my head that I have to figure out and a good bit of it has to do with being poly and being new to poly. I’ve come to a hard place in my life and I don’t like it.

I also don’t feel like that I can’t talk freely here anymore. I used to be able to ramble anonymously to the blogosphere, but now people that I know closely are reading this stuff and I can’t handle the responses I’m likely to get from them.

This used to be a place I could vent and talk about all the things I’m thinking, good and bad. Now I watch what I write because I just don’t want to deal with the people around me thinking I’m a horrible person or that it’s somehow their fault for my thoughts.

I’ve got to figure out what to do.



Since I am a morning person I often find that the early hours I’m more introspective. Today could also be a good day because it’s the first of the last 3 days I’ve not had a headache or migraine to fight. What a miserable weekend!

But here I am, getting ready for the week. I have so much to do, so much I want to accomplish and all I have to do is get going. This week should be a good week for getting things done.

Master has a lot of dental work scheduled and I’m hoping he’ll fair well. He has dentist anxiety which is really bad. Unfortunately so are his teeth, so he has to go often. We’ve 2 root canals scheduled in the next month alone. And for those of you saying it’s all poor diet and hygiene. He has brushed his teeth routinely since I’ve known him and the dentist said it has a lot to do with genetics as well. His mom has had dentures since he was a child.

I’m not saying the sugar and cream in his coffee isn’t contributing, but given that I still rarely brush my teeth (we are working on that) and while I have moderately severe tartar buildup and gingivitis and need a root planing I was spared with only 2 small cavities.

I’m struggling in my submission lately. Master is having to remind me about a lot of my more common rules and behaviors. I’m not really sure why other than I guess I need to correction. I feel bad about making mistakes most of the time, but I’m also finding I dismiss the correction too. Something is off for me. I’m not sure how to fix it, but I think punishment might be coming if I continue on this path.

A few of the things that are getting me in trouble is my smart mouth, forgetting my protocol manners and domestic chores are lapsing. So, now that I’ve got them written down I guess I could figure out why I’m behaving badly. Hmm. I just don’t know. The smart-ass and manners could be a natural push back and progression of my submission. The chores, well that happens every couple months or so. I hate doing chores but I like a clean house. One side of me wins and then the next side takes over. It’s that love-hate relationship.

Ah well, introspection time is over. I have to get my exercise done.


Upside Down

I’m having a really hard day emotionally. I woke up feeling really depressed and it hasn’t gone away the longer the day goes on. I’ve felt like I’m walking on eggshells and that nothing I do is good enough. It’s nothing Master has done, he’s just as confused as I am with my behavior and mood today.

I’ve snapped at him for something silly, made him angry enough to dismiss me until he’s ready to talk to me again. I’m crying for no reason and I keep wishing I could just crawl back in bed and start over.

I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t figure it out. Is this a pushback moment? Am I needing correction? Am I lacking in anything? I just don’t know. All I know is something doesn’t feel right.

We’ve had so many moments recently that I’ve been so happy and complete, where this came from I don’t know. I’m completely blindsided.

I hate struggling, and emotions are something I’d prefer to be balanced. This is just so messed up right now. I hope Master can help somehow when I stop pissing him off with my behavior.



I’m sexually frustrated but on my period. He’s sexually frustrated because of my period woes. So what do I do?

I inadvertently piss him off. Sure isn’t helping me, or him, have some fun.

Ugh. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way you want.