May 2013

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Reconnecting

So after feeling worthless and going through some changes there has been more sexy times, more play and more D/s in the bedroom. It’s been great and frequent enough that my body feels like I’ve been running several miles every day. It’s a good hurt.

Master has even slipped in to the room in the middle of the night, tied my hands together which is easy to do with the cuffs I wear (more on that later) and fucked me silly. Oh yes it has been a good time.

We didn’t get to the caning I requested but I’m sure that we will soon. We’ve been too busy getting busy to think about anything else.

I’ve been wearing my new leather cuffs every night for bed and it has started to become a comfort and security blanket. They make a lot of racket though with the rings jingling so I can’t wear them when froggy is here but I have quiet ones for that. I really missed this little ritual, and since I developed Carpal Tunnel we stopped doing it. I’m so glad we picked it back up again.

The other day kaya wrote a post about her struggle and life, as she always does, that connected with me. So much so that I asked Master to read it because I felt a similar way to what she was feeling. I rarely do that so I’m sure Master took that to mean we needed to talk. He read it and we talked.

I was feeling disconnected, I was slipping. Sure we knew it but because of the way kaya said it, I was able to voice my own concerns a lot easier. Master asked me what I thought we should do and I told him that perhaps we should be more strict and I need to be more accountable so that I can’t slip as easily. It’s all part of that “I can’t submit in a vacuum” thing.

So, he’s stepped it up. I’m certain that in some way he’s feeling better about it too. I can’t get away with anything now. He watches closely. And it feels good.

Now when I say I’m going to do something and it doesn’t get done I know there will be consequences. Just yesterday I said I was going to vacuum. I never got around to it (read – didn’t make the time) and so when I went to bed Master said I couldn’t wear my cuffs. Ouch. I just said “yes Master” and laid down, but it sure felt sad that I had forgotten to do it.

I vacuumed this morning though! Speaking of vacuuming my new digital homecare binder has been a good change. With it always in front of me I’m getting things done and will be stepping it up further in the next week or so. It also feels great to walk around the house and have it be clean!

I’m getting antsy about starting rental home hunting. Paycheck is slow to get here so we have to wait. I’m hoping we can get out next week. It’s only 60 days until we move and we don’t have a place yet. I’m hoping to get someplace soon! I’ll be happier to pack when that happens.

We are connecting better now and all it took was communication – and a little help from a friend.

–lunaKM

Worthless

It’s almost shocking how lessons are learned around here. Since I’ve been a stay at home submissive, and now slave I always thought that I did the things I did for Master because they were part of my duties and nothing more. That they didn’t affect me at all.

However today I’m being punished, for what is inconsequential, but he has removed me from service. He doesn’t want me to make his coffee, fix his meals or do any of the things I normally do for him in any given day.

I feel worthless, dejected, devalued. I feel helpless. When I realized this was what today was going to be like I went through a gamut of emotions. Anger was first, but then doubt, frustration, confusion and sadness came in. Now I’m raw depressed. I’m not drawn to do anything but sit or lay about, listless.

He’s paid me no attention, he’s shown me no more care than he would a fly on the wall. And it hurts.

Thus that is my day. I am a shattered cup. I never realized how important it was to me to feel useful and that the service I provide him actually does mean something to me. I’ve never been an “only to please him” slave, but if only he would ask something of me just to please himself. I could feel value again.

Please. Let this trying time end, soon.

–lunaKM

I really don’t like that the apartment complex shows my apartment to possible tenants while I’m still here. All these strangers walking around my place just creeps me the heck out. We have a visit planed for tomorrow. So today I did some sprint cleaning to make sure that it looks presentable.

Granted I am doing a bit better with the cleaning and learning my new management process with Evernote and Remember the Milk. I will learn it eventually. Thankfully I feel better with the progress I’ve made. Master has noticed but also noticed the slip for doing dishes the past few days. Opps. I’m going to vacuum tonight and then the place will be decent for strangers to see.

We haven’t gone to look at places yet and I’m feeling very antsy. Once Master gets paid we’ll be able to do that. It is my job to make sure we don’t overspend on anything we don’t need for the next 2 months. Not an easy job when we like to spend money.

I’ve been packing things up to give away to Good Will and have brought 6 boxes so far. I have to get through the clothing soon. Froggy keeps bringing boxes she’s collecting when she visits but I haven’t packed anything yet. I think I’ll be more excited to pack up once we have a place picked out.

That’s about it I have for the night. Chat later!

–lunaKM

At Mischief in May this year froggyKM and I played with Master together. It was the first time that we had done so and I think Master was watching our energy beforehand to see if it was a good idea. Prior to this I had been adamant that play was to be couples only because I wasn’t sure how I’d react to play with froggy included. It’s a no brainer now I’m not sure why I stressed over it. I guess it’s always the sexual contact thing. I’m hetero pretty solidly but froggyKM is bisexual. I’m just not turned on by the thought of touching or being touched by another woman and was hesitant that Master would put us in predicaments that I would be squeamish about.

At the dungeon party on Saturday night there was an available spot at a suspension rig and Master had us both stand there and wait for him to bring his bag.

What developed was going to be a game between froggy and I. She for pain and I for not wanting to hurt her. Master tied twine on her nipples and strung them up to the ring at the top of the suspension rig and then down to the ring on my collar. Pulling it taught so that I had to look up a bit to not pull on her nipples. Then he tied my hands to the polls so I couldn’t get away. But if I moved my head at all it pulled her nipples.

I couldn’t believe what happened next. He tickled me. I’m terribly ticklish and can’t control much of my contortions so that meant that with every jerk of the string froggy was in pain and I was laughing silly. In all that, I was apologizing to froggy. Funny, right?

So since Master was busy tickling me, and then going behind froggy and pulling her so she stressed her own nipples it was quite a ride. I decided to try and be devious and when Master went around behind me again, I started grinding my ass against him. I was determined to make him strain in his pants while he was having fun torturing us.

It was a short scene but still fun and definitely a spectacle for the crowd.

–lunaKM

Reconnecting

Thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. All of your words helped.

I’m finding that I do a lot of introspection for the purpose of Submissive Guide and perhaps that much introspection is making me question my own submission on too many occasions.

While Master has expressed a tension between us and agrees that I should enjoy things more he doesn’t see it as something more than a step back. Nothing as catastrophic as I portrayed it. I tend to dot hat when it has to do with me. I have this yard stick that I try to measure myself up to because I know that people look up to me and when I slip even an inch I take it hard.

I have to remind myself that no one is expecting me to be perfect. Master is overall happy with me, he tells me he loves me every single day and I continue to feel protected and loved and of service. I am content in my life and I love every single minute of it.

Poly is still an adjustment, but we knew that going in. At least we can talk about issues as the arise and we can resolve them to everyone’s satisfaction. I’m not worried in the slightest.

I just need to reconnect with how I felt in the beginning, in the honeymoon phase of submission when everything was so new and thrilling. Some of it now just feel so “old hat.” We need to shake it up I think.

So thank you.

–lunaKM

To Please You

On Submissive Guide I help submissives go beyond the simple answers and find their real path to submission; one that will make them happy and fulfilled and hopefully please their Dominant also. Yet today I learn I’m a bit backwards myself. Not that this is a new thing, but one that has come to a head and so I’m thinking about it.

I don’t get direct or indirect pleasure from making Master happy. So, pleasing him doesn’t feel like it really pleases me. Take for example giving him a blow job. Sure it’s great, but if he’s happy I’m glad he’s happy but I don’t take pleasure from it in the same way.

froggy is genuinely happy to do things for Master and she jumps at the chance to make him happy in any way she can. I…. calculate what I get out of it. So I’m selfish. I’ve never said I wasn’t. But because I don’t do things just to make Master happy there is an undercurrent of tension and preemptive denial of pleasure. Master would rather decline a blow job if it looks like I am doing it just to make him “happy” and get back to something else. If I act all happy go lucky excited he seems to be more willing.

Even though in both instances I would suck his dick, he’d rather have the one that has me grinning in anticipation. Of course I understand this. Of course I’ve dealt with it before.

But it still comes up so I’m not learning how to change that behavior. I can’t just fake it anymore. I need to find his pleasure as pleasing to me and sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Does that make sense?

No – “Good I made him happy, now back to writting/knitting/watching something.”

Yes – “Ah that was so good to see him happy and enjoy himself. Gosh I feel great when he’s happy. What more can I do?”

Hrm, this needs more thinking. I’ve hit a wall.

–lunaKM

Master Meme

1. He’s sitting in front on the TV, what is on the screen?
His computer program he’s developing inspired by Jarvis from Iron Man.

2. You’re out to eat, what kind of dressing does He get?
Dressing? He doesn’t eat salad. No dressing

3. The most striking thing about His physical appearance?
His height.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink, what does He order?
Cola of some sort, cherry if they have it.

5. Where did He go to high school?
In England somewhere :P

6. What shoe size does He wear?
10 1/2- 11

7. If He were to collect anything, what would it be?
Computer parts, bits and bobs or Manga books.

8. What is His favorite type of sandwich?
Homemade Pot Roast French Dip

9. What is His favorite cereal?
S’mores

10. What would He never wear?
Shorts.

11. What is His favourite sports team?
He doesn’t watch sports except when it’s the World Cup, then he root for England.

12. Who did He vote for in the last election?
He didn’t. He can’t vote in the US.

13. What is something you do that He wishes you wouldn’t do?
Oiy. Talk with my mouth full, chew with my mouth open.

14. You bake a cake for His birthday, what kind?
Triple chocolate lava cake with extra frosting.

15. What is His heritage?
Scottish and English

16. Did He play sports in high school?
No.

17. What could He spend hours doing?
Computer programming and gaming. And he does. Both. Regularly.

18. What is one unique talent He has?
He knows a lot of stupid trivia. You know the stuff I mean.

I know I said I was going to write about the playtime we had at Mischief in May but right now I don’t feel like it. Maybe later.

This week so far has been a busy one. I’m trying to, once again, make a homemaking binder and to be more productive throughout the day. This time, I decided my binder would be online since I’m in front of some form of digital device almost all day long. I read in an ebook I purchased called, “Paperless Home Organization” (this is NOT an affiliate link) about how to use Evernote, Remember the Milk and Gmail to make my productivity soar if I can just learn the  program and make it work for me.

I’ve been slowly adding the mess of to do’s and lists and routines I’ve had spread all over into one place and so far it’s been great seeing things together and I’ve actually got a few things done that I don’t think I would have remembered had I not written them down and used the program.

I’m amazed at how scattered the documents I use are. They are not only in paper form but in Dropbox, in Google Drive and on my old notebook blog. The goal is to get it all together and working for me so that I can spend less time looking for things and more time actually doing them.

Yesterday Master had his wisdom teeth pulled. They had been hurting him for quite awhile so it came to no surprise that they would need to come out. He’s recovering well, but definitely tired of soft foods and lukewarm coffee. Tomorrow he can start adding warmer foods if he feels ready for it.

He’s not done either. I don’t envy him, but he has a lot of dental work to go to fix up his mouth. I’m sure I have a lot too, but I’m waiting until he’s had some more work and I get new glasses. I’ve needed new glasses for a bit now, these are so scratched up that they never seem clean.

Once his paycheck arrives this month we’ll have the money to put a deposit down on a place where we are headed, once we find it. At least it will be in savings just waiting for the right moment. We also have to wait until then to go traveling and searching. The waiting is killing me. I want someplace now!

I went back to tracking my food on Sparkpeople to reign in my eating and exercise. I also amended my goal since there is no way I’ll reach it by our Anniversary. So I changed it to my Birthday in October. The widget on this site should be updated to reflect that too.

I think I’m going to get back into my home management binder work. Take care everyone.

–lunaKM

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