April 2013

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There were so many comments in the last post about my feeling less playful that I thought it deserved another post.

Master and I talk all the time, and before the post went live we had already discussed my declining playfulness and my desire to rekindle it. We came to a conclusion that part of the reason it isn’t happening right now is that I’ve been sick off and on for weeks and it’s hard to feel sexually playful when you are sick every other day. Which of course amplifies any reaction to the playfulness I see between froggy and Master because I’m unable to engage in my own due to illness.

The other fact is that I’m feeling very negative about my attractiveness and my body right now. It’s got me really down at the moment and while I know exactly what I need to do to make it right that doesn’t help the feelings I’m experiencing right this moment. It’s not what Master sees and I know it. He finds my body very attractive and even though I love that he practically stops whatever he’s doing to watch me walk through the room I still feel like a blob.

Master has suggested that we take some sexy photos of me to try to boost my body confidence. I used to love being in front of the camera and posing for Master. For some reason or another I stopped wanting to do it. I agree that I’d have fun doing that for him so we have that planned.

In fact we had it planned for tonight but I’m feeling so depressed that I can’t even think about being sexy let alone letting it show on my face. Master feels so helpless right now. He’s frequently asking me if there is anything he can do and honestly there isn’t anything. And my tears are creating painful glances from him. I wish he could help me, I do.

I just have to dig through it and find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. The scale can be an evil master.  But looking at what I’ve been eating lately there is no surprise that I’ve gained. I’ve really slipped and not cared one hoot about it.

But Master has noticed and has mentioned here and there that he’s concerned that I’ve not exercised in a long time, or that I’m eating an awful lot of bad for me foods and less of the good ones. I’m snacking more and drinking less water. I well aware of it.

So, today when Master asked when I was going to exercise again and when I said I didn’t know, he wanted to know what kind of excuse that was. I got up right away and did a power mile (WATP). While I’m happy I did it, I’m still crying because I feel ugly.

You see, even though I usually have fantastic body image and I’m usually confident that I exude sexuality and femininity I have my off days. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how I’ll recover this time around but I know I will.

Mischief in May is this weekend. I do hope that I can feel good about myself by then. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to play in public. I don’t even want to get undressed in front of others. It’s interesting to think that last year when I weighed 20 lbs more I was just fine flashing it all – even asking people to check out my saline-inflated breasts.

I’ve got 4 days. Let’s see if I can turn it around.

–lunaKM

Twinge

Twinge of jealousy and bewilderment that I somehow lost my playfulness. Master and froggy banter back and forth throughout the day, she does sexual and kinky little things for him. And while I never really got off on the doing things out and about town, I do miss the attention and little bits of play that happened in the beginning of our relationship.

If this means the honeymoon is over I don’t want that! I do know that at some point down the line I stopped responding favorably. I started whining and complaining when he asked these things of me. It has been like that for almost 8 years now.

And with froggy around, he’s getting to do those little things, with her.

I’ve asked him several times just today if I’m as much fun as she is. “Of course I am,” he says. I believe him, but part of me wonders why I stopped responding to his little games so long ago. I’ve never really figured that out.

It’s something I’d like to try to rekindle, but after 8 years of negative responses from me, how is he supposed to know that I might play back or just give him the cold shoulder again?

Most of what I’m saying is just internal monologue and I don’t expect anyone to follow it. I felt the desire to talk to myself about something troubling me.

Like tonight, he pinched my nipples through my shirt and instead of sighing or moaning or showing even the slightest joy for his attention. I cringed and muttered, “ouch”. And it’s not that I didn’t want his attention or that it really hurt to begin with. Did I want him to stop? No.

Give me back the playful.

–lunaKM

This has been a hellish day for me health-wise. Last night I developed a migraine which kept me up for most of the early morning. When I woke up after finally falling asleep I still had the migraine but joy of joys I also had nausea, dizziness and sound sensitivity.

By the time I woke Master up the headache had come down a notch but the rest of my symptoms screamed at me. I spent the day laying about from the bedroom to the living room, sitting up, laying down. Trying to sleep and failing. Sitting in the bathroom praying I don’t throw up. It’s been a bad bad day.

Master insisted I take it easy and has been checking on me constantly. He even was sweet to go to the store for some 7up for my stomach. I felt a twinge of guilt that I had asked him to go to the store. It was odd and I tweeted about it as I was feeling it. I’m his slave and usually am the one taking care of him so the guilt was more that I was asking him to do something for me and that I was unable to take care of him.

I’m sure it’s a normal reaction and I’ve struggled with it before. Often I’m okay with it, I’ve accepted that he takes care of me when I’m sick, but today just doesn’t feel comfortable. It could be because he’s not feeling well himself. He has a toothache that has prompted the scheduling of having all 4 wisdom teeth removed. And that’s just the start of the dental care he needs. Master is taking penicillin for the infection and it’s not agreeing with his stomach. So he’s miserable. I should be caring for him. That’s my job.

Yes I know you are all saying to yourself that it’s his job to take care of me and I know that, and I agree completely however I’m still feeling a bit off about the whole thing.

Tonight my headache part is all but gone. I still and quite nauseous and dizzy, weak and tired. I’m trying not to do too much moving around and will attempt to sleep early.

This weekend is a weekend without froggy – which I’m thankful for only because neither Master nor myself are well enough right now. She’ll get to spend some time with her daughter. We’ll recover. She’ll be back up here next weekend.

Speaking of froggy, she’s really stressing Master out right now. He’s short with me a lot today even if he doesn’t mean to. He’s said that he’s been talking to froggy about things and that’s about all he shares. It’s none of my business anyway. Hopefully he can play his video games and “kill” enough people to vent some steam.

I’m going to rest up some more.

–lunaKM

Breaking Schedule

Master has given me permission to not blog as often here – as he has stopped reading it since there isn’t anything I’m writing right now that give him insight into my mind. I am not sure how much blogging I’ll do but the regularity may be broken.

I still like using this place for things that come up in my life and I doubt that I’ll ever stop blogging. It just means that my schedule will change.

So, help me out here, my dear readers. What would you like me to talk about? What are you curious about with my life as it is now?

–lunaKM

Drawing a Blank

OMG, It’s quite bad when the first person to tell me that I haven’t posted in a week isn’t Master, it’s froggy. Oiy. I had completely no clue that I had missed blogging! Wow. I guess I was just not doing anything that needed telling.

So, what’s been going on here? Just the same ole’ thing really. I’ve had a sinus head cold thing, Master is dealing with a toothache and froggy has been up here for weekends. That’s pretty standard fare lately.

I’m beginning to get antsy about finding a rental in the town we want to move to. It’s not exactly rental city and for a house in our budget and desires it’s not an easy find. 3.5 months will go by quickly I just know it. froggy brought over like a dozen 30 gal rubbermaid tubs and a ton of boxes she had collected from when she was moving or planning to move (she’s not now). So, I guess I could start packing early. Of course I prefer not to start packing until I know where we are going. Heh.

Master wants, and I agree, that I should be ramping it up with work on Submissive Guide. He wants me to set up webinars, more videos and more ebooks/ecourses type content and try to find contributors for writing content as well. It’s a big push to get me to consider Submissive Guide a business and a job instead of a hobby. I believe him, I really do – it’s just scary. I never thought that I’d be making a business out of helping submissives the way I do. It feels good to know that I’m making a difference in people’s lives, but also that I am afraid I might steer some wrong and they will resent me. Where that line is I don’t know.

So I’m adding more videos as I can, working on understanding what I need to do to make webinars happen, twitter chats started and so much more. As long as I can enjoy my work it will still be a joy to me.

–lunaKM

Stormy Weather

It is a warm day today. The thermostat got up to 82 at one point. Of course it didn’t help matters that I made bread for Master, flax bread for me and then used the broiler for dinner. :-P

There is a chance for storms tonight and just the other day Master was lamenting the lack of storms. Hopefully he gets his wish and it stirs up a good one for him.

I guess the reason I’m giving the weather report is that there isn’t much going on here at the moment.

I spend my days working or housework. I’ve poured over the usual  places for rental housing in the town we want to move to and it’s not very promising right now. Thankfully moving day isn’t until 7/31 so we have time to find something. I know we are going to have to go there and drive around for some of it in case places aren’t listed. It’s a small sleepy town community so we are already pressed for housing.

Then our budget, while generous, isn’t going to go far. We have dreams to expand into a larger home, one we can live in for the long term until we can afford to buy a house. I’m just nervous and impatient to find somewhere. Limbo is hard on me.

I’ve been dealing with a rash of headaches lately. It’s hard to know where they are coming from but they pretty much make it impossible to focus on anything for a long time.

Work is going slowly and I was able to record another video post for Wednesday. I wanted to record 2 but the construction guys outside stopped that. Hopefully I can get it tomorrow. I want to have a surplus of videos instead of waiting so long to do them. Lots of plans in the works ya know.

Master, froggy and I are going to Mischief in May again this year. I’d be more excited about it if the classes were super interesting to me. They aren’t. I’m also a bit frustrated with the local community. I know when the weekend comes I’ll have a good time so there is that. Maybe we’ll meet some interesting people? I asked Master to play with me one of the evenings (there are 2 parties). Not sure yet what I’m craving but I know I’ll have fun.

–lunaKM

anoymous asks:

Hi Luna,

I have been reading your blog and various other bdsm blogs for awhile and the one thing I have wondered Is how do you accept someone else’s control over you? And how do you also accept the idea that everything you have and own is your masters? I think the hardest thing for me would be asking to use the bathroom and being someone’s property…. But that’s just me…. I have thought about being a sub/slave for many years and would find the loss of control hard to deal with… How do you do it???

Through trust. I trust Master with every fiber of my being. He know me and my boundaries and cares for them. So in exchange I submit to him.

I don’t have to ask to use the bathroom, it’s not a control he wishes to have with me. However with every other control he has I gave it to him slowly and willingly. It was a progression. I didn’t get to this point overnight. I’ve only identified as a slave for about 9 months now. Before that I wasn’t ready to be recognized as property – no matter how much he owned of me already.

How do I deal with the loss of control? I don’t feel it as a loss in the same way that you picture. It’s a giving of myself and that is a pleasure to me. I thrive in submission and he knows how to care for me and treats me well. So I have no concern over giving over the control.

–lunaKM

Headache

I have a headache today so this is just a cursory post. I’m sorry but thinking is just out of the question. The darned construction workers outside my window all day didn’t help. Oh the noise!

I think I’ll just go curl up and try to relax.

–lunaKM

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