November 2012

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Restoring Desire

So it may come to a surprise for some that I’ve been in a bad mood lately. (Yeah I know, no big surprise.) I’ve had people tell me that it’s because of the poly relationship with froggy without even knowing me or any part of my current mind. I know that people just assume that anything poly is cause of trouble. But we’ve not had any trouble. All of us communicates well and we don’t let issues fester between us.

Last night I finally let the darkness take me and I realized just what was causing my depression and my sadness. You see, I watch the NRE (new relationship energy) with froggy and Master and I remember when we had that. And I want it again. I’m jealous of the fun sexy times they have. We used to be playful and spontaneous and he used to flirt and play with me all the time.

And then I started rebuffing him and giving him signals to stop. So he did. And now I miss it. He misses it. So I killed the playful nature that he loves. It’s been a constant issue with us and this same thing comes around on a regular basis. I know that I have to make the effort to change in order for things to change.

He listened to me and talked to me calmly about how I was feeling and telling me that it wasn’t stupid or wrong to feel the way I did, but that I needed to make an effort in order for him to want to be flirty with me again since he’s only ever gotten negative responses.

And I totally agree. What’s funny is that he said one of the ways we can fix this is that I give him blowjobs and play time whenever he wants it and stop finding excuses not to. So that’s a first start. Of course I still need to allow myself to feel sexy and flirty with him again so that he knows that I need him and want him.

He knows that the root issue is that I didn’t feel desirable to him anymore because of what I see with him and froggy. Even though that’s not the case at all (and he definitely still shows affection and desire towards me, but I chose to ignore it or push him away). It really is my problem that’s got me so down in the dumps.

While yes, froggy’s name has come up in this, it’s not the poly that is the problem. Actually it was because of froggy that I am reminded again that I’m failing behind on something that Master has been on my case about for years.

It felt like a weight was lifted when I told him today because I had felt so down that I knew he needed to know before froggy came up tomorrow so that I didn’t cause problems with her here. He cancelled his time with her for which I feel terrible.

He told me that one of his girls needs his time and that if it were froggy with an issue he’d be right there for her too. I know she’s sore about not being able to come up tomorrow now, but things just happen sometimes. I never intentionally went out of my way to keep her from being here. She deserves his time too. He makes the decisions and so we must both obey.

–lunaKM

Almost the end of Nanowrimo and I’m working hard to make it to my goal. I’m almost there! I also made Master some bread which smelled divine. I wish my bread smelled as wonderful. *sigh*

Thursday November 29th, 2012

I ate this:

Breakfast – 1/2 c. steamed rice with margarine, cinnamon and sugar, small glass of chocolate milk

Lunch – Bowl of Ham and Potato Soup

Snack – Grande Caramel Brulee Latte

Dinner – 6 oz Grilled Chicken with pesto and cheese, “Better than Loaded Potatoes” Mashed cauliflower, carrots

Snack – Milky Way Caramel

Water – 100 oz

Exercise: none.

Thoughts

I got really depressed after dinner and wanted to eat everything and anything I could find. Instead I had the candy bar that KM bought me. A bit more veggies today had me feeling good about my changes. I will continue that tomorrow for sure.

I’m grumpy today and Master is feeling it. He’s been antisocial since the weekend. He’s not the people person so when he’s been around the public in any measure he retreats for awhile. But I feel neglected this time around and am being pissy because of it. When I told him, he said, “well why would I want to hang around you when you are pissy.” Which just makes me more pissy, so he stays in his office longer making me feel more neglected and the cycle continues.

And it’s all very likely that my period hormone mess is causing all of this since I seem to take everything personally while bleeding. I’m like a sensitive mess. What fun is that?

And then I’m in trouble which makes me depressed as I am constantly reminded that I’m being punished and while I still count down everyday that goes by as another day down before I can go back to normal I still know he’s mad at me and we have to figure out what caused all the anger, lying and punishment to begin with.

Which means I’m not ready to do that writing assignment he wants me to do. I’ll get to it when I know what he wants me to say with what I have to say. It will come to me at some point.

All the while I’m not sleeping well. And when I do sleep I’m having nightmares. Last night I vividly drowned in a lake, crashed my car into a tree and got assaulted and stabbed all in different dreams mind you. So I know I woke up at least 3 times. The cats have been very active at night recently and while that’s normally okay they have been getting into every single lose scrap of paper, string or plastic they can get their mits on which wakes me up more often.

I know Master wants to help me and he’s at a loss at what to do, which I guess is why he took away all of my escapes or at least limited them. I have to sit here and focus on things now because boredom comes faster without the entertainment I had before I got in trouble.

Of course he wants sexual attention too – I’m stuck with depression and frustration and boredom. The last thing on my mind is sucking Master’s dick right now. And yet I try, I really do try to find something sexy to fixate my mind on so that I can proposition him and please him.

Only, my pissy behavior just blows that up because he’s annoyed with me from it and not interested in what I’m selling.

So there’s my life.

–lunaKM

Went to the grocery store with a focus of buying more veggies to eat. Then, as it turns out I didn’t eat any today. Huh, go figure.

Wednesday November 28th, 2012

I ate this:

Breakfast – 3 scrambled eggs, deluxe american cheese slice, 2 slices lunchmeat ham

Lunch – 20 cocktail shrimp with sauce

Dinner – 6 oz ham lunchmeat, 2 pickles, pepper jelly/cream cheese and rice crackers

Water – 30 oz (OUCH!)

Exercise: none.

Thoughts

Why didn’t I drink more water? Wow, that’s bad. And veggies. I need veggies. Tomorrow I will prep some carrots for roasting and raw snacking. That will help that they are easily available.

Exercise in the morning, no excuses!

Spent much of today driving again, like Saturday.

Tuesday November 27th, 2012

I ate this:

Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs, deluxe american cheese slice, 2 slices lunchmeat ham

Lunch – Grilled Chicken (6 oz), Baked potato with cheese, bacon, butter and sour cream, cole slaw

Dinner – 2 servings of Homemade GF tuna mac and cheese

Water – 90 oz

Exercise: none.

Thoughts

On the road much of today had me thinking that I could make drastic changes but would they stick with me? So many diets I hear about and have tried myself are huge changes to the way I live and things I doubt I could maintain. Master has always been adamant that this is to be a life change not a diet so I may be going about things differently than those who so kindly give me free advice have tried to point me towards.

* Water intake is too low. Sure is, that’s because the 1/2 your body weight in ounces also has another variable – exercise. If you exercise you will of course need more water. I am not at that stage yet so I will not be drowning in water at this point.

* Too much salt. Says you. I drink enough water that the salty foods (pickles, olives) aren’t impacting my diet as much as you think. I don’t salt foods often and when I do I under salt them. My sodium levels are just fine.

* Not following the low carb plan at all. Right, because I’m not shocking my system into ketatonic state nor am I tossing all the food currently in the pantry. I’m using that up gradually before I make a full switch. It’s smarter and cheaper that way.

Last week’s weigh in: 354.5

Today: 356

I’m going to assume that it’s water weight from my cycle. Hopefully it’s back down next week. I just wish my period would start already.

Monday November 26th, 2012

I ate this:

Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs, deluxe american cheese slice, 2 slices lunchmeat ham

Lunch – 2 servings of homemade GF cheesy tuna mac and cheese

Snack – 2 pickles and 10 green olives, Grande Peppermint Mocha

Dinner – Smoked sausage, mashed potatoes, raw carrots and pesto hummus

Water – 90 oz

Exercise: none.

Thoughts

OK, so it’s obvious that I’m not even trying hard. Do I want to go to the concert or not, sheesh.

Master finally decided on a punishment for my secret eating and lying about it. Starting today I am not allowed any video games and only 1 hour of TV per day for 2 weeks. He also wants me to write about why I started secret eating again (I have no idea). I’m more irked by the writing assignment than I am the rest of it. If I knew why I was secret eating don’t you think I’d be able to control it? Secret eating is a part of binge eating – although I do not binge and haven’t since 2007. It’s not always easy to pinpoint exactly why someone does that.

He asked me point blank if it was because of his new relationship with froggy. I said no, because I don’t think so. But I also told him that I wouldn’t tell him if it was because it would jeopardize his relationship with her. He’s happy and if I have a problem then I need to deal with it. Of course, his asking the question has sewn a seed of thought about it and I’m desperately trying to find/not find that as the reason this all started up again. Hell I don’t know. When I think that it could be the reason I start to cry and when I think it’s not the reason I feel a sense of relief. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to think about it while I find other things to occupy the time that used to be video games and TV. I’ll have to pick up my knitting again, and read some more, and work some more. Anything to not be bored. I hate being bored.

My period is a few days late again. It’s driving me insane because the placement of this new IUD is in a different spot for sure – the cramps are super intense and painful. More than they were with the other one. The difference this time around is that I’m spotting but nothing substantial. Just start already. Grr.

Tomorrow we drive up to Cedar Falls to do the BDSM panel at UNI again. Master is going to be on the panel this time, which is a rare treat for me. I love having him sitting next to me instead of in the audience. Talking to students about BDSM is a positive experience for me; I feel that the learn a bit of acceptance from being able to ask their questions and satisfy their curiosity.

Well that’s it for me today.

–lunaKM

The bulk of the day was spent miserable and crampy thanks to Mother Nature and being a girl.

Sunday November 25th, 2012

I ate this:

Breakfast – 3 eggs, scrambled, 2 pieces of GF toast with all fruit jam and 3 oz ham, 1/2 cup coffee

Lunch – ham, pickles, olives, rice crackers and red pepper hummus

Dinner – 8 oz steak, 3 cups oven roasted vegetables (zucchini, mushrooms, red peppers, carrot), 3/4 c. rice with soy sauce

Snack – Large glass of chocolate milk

Water – 80 oz

Exercise: none.

Thoughts

I’m actually quite happy with my food choices today. I was hungry in the evening but I decided to suck it up and just have more water. I’m not sure if I should eat past a certain time of night even if I’m hungry for fear of it settling about my middle.

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