So it may come to a surprise for some that I’ve been in a bad mood lately. (Yeah I know, no big surprise.) I’ve had people tell me that it’s because of the poly relationship with froggy without even knowing me or any part of my current mind. I know that people just assume that anything poly is cause of trouble. But we’ve not had any trouble. All of us communicates well and we don’t let issues fester between us.
Last night I finally let the darkness take me and I realized just what was causing my depression and my sadness. You see, I watch the NRE (new relationship energy) with froggy and Master and I remember when we had that. And I want it again. I’m jealous of the fun sexy times they have. We used to be playful and spontaneous and he used to flirt and play with me all the time.
And then I started rebuffing him and giving him signals to stop. So he did. And now I miss it. He misses it. So I killed the playful nature that he loves. It’s been a constant issue with us and this same thing comes around on a regular basis. I know that I have to make the effort to change in order for things to change.
He listened to me and talked to me calmly about how I was feeling and telling me that it wasn’t stupid or wrong to feel the way I did, but that I needed to make an effort in order for him to want to be flirty with me again since he’s only ever gotten negative responses.
And I totally agree. What’s funny is that he said one of the ways we can fix this is that I give him blowjobs and play time whenever he wants it and stop finding excuses not to. So that’s a first start. Of course I still need to allow myself to feel sexy and flirty with him again so that he knows that I need him and want him.
He knows that the root issue is that I didn’t feel desirable to him anymore because of what I see with him and froggy. Even though that’s not the case at all (and he definitely still shows affection and desire towards me, but I chose to ignore it or push him away). It really is my problem that’s got me so down in the dumps.
While yes, froggy’s name has come up in this, it’s not the poly that is the problem. Actually it was because of froggy that I am reminded again that I’m failing behind on something that Master has been on my case about for years.
It felt like a weight was lifted when I told him today because I had felt so down that I knew he needed to know before froggy came up tomorrow so that I didn’t cause problems with her here. He cancelled his time with her for which I feel terrible.
He told me that one of his girls needs his time and that if it were froggy with an issue he’d be right there for her too. I know she’s sore about not being able to come up tomorrow now, but things just happen sometimes. I never intentionally went out of my way to keep her from being here. She deserves his time too. He makes the decisions and so we must both obey.