June 2012

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Relief

I feel so much better today. Wednesday night after I blogged we went to Walmart and picked up a thick memory foam mattress pad to put on my sleeping mat to help with my sleeping. It has a huge improvement and I woke up rested for the first time in almost a week. Today was even better than that. My sleeping pattern has returned to normal and I’m not napping during the day anymore.

My funny illness has gone away too. I think I might have been glutened and not figured out a cause for it. I’m still trying to pin down the symptoms I get when being glutened.

I want to thank everyone that expressed concern about my thoughts in the previous post. They were all genuine and showed me just how much you all care for me. It’s great to know that so many of you are confident that you are everything your partner needs all in one package. I know that I am not all that Master needs. About 4 years ago he got in touch with his sadistic beast within and I can’t handle what it puts out. He needs to feed the beast or he gets depressed and feels lacking in this ability to play with me because he has to hold back then. So we opened the relationship to play partners. Froggy was one of those play partners back then. It worked wonderfully and she would never cross any boundaries that I set up for the relationship between them.

It’s no different now. They are both entertaining this relationship on my terms. I tell them what I’m comfortable with, how I’m comfortable with it and when. They define their relationship based on what I am okay with.

Last weekend we tried something relatively new to me. Froggy came up early to wake Master with a blow job (something I don’t do often). I was in the living room and could hear what was going on. I wanted to be somewhere else. I didn’t think I should be listening to them doing something so private.

Later that day they had another sexual encounter with me in the room and again I wanted to be somewhere else. It just seemed so inappropriate that I was there.

I hadn’t connected my discomfort with that until tonight when Master asked if Froggy came up early tomorrow if she could do that and I said that I would be uncomfortable being here during that.

And that was a sudden relief.

I felt uncomfortable and finally voiced it. That was it. Just so that you concerning readers understand – I’m okay with them doing sex stuff. I feel no issues with that. I’m secure in my place in Master’s life. I just don’t want to be there.

Froggy and Master are going to have to work around my new discomfort. I told them both that I have no problem slipping out of the apartment if they want to have fun. They both expressed concern that it didn’t seem right to make me leave. There are plenty of places within walking and driving distance to keep me occupied. I’m not a homebody anyway.

They aren’t making me leave, I’m choosing to. I could choose to not allow them to have sexy fun at all – but again that’s not my problem. How many other primary partners are okay being in the room when stuff like that happens? I’m not poly with froggy, there isn’t a sexual thing going on with us. It’s just Master and froggy. So, asking them to have their fun when I’m not around isn’t much to ask for I didn’t think.

Sure, it might take away some spontaneity but that’s life. You have to work around situations.

I’m certain we’ll be talking about this some more when froggy gets here tomorrow. I’ve already planned to go get doughnuts, OJ and coffee when she slips into the bedroom. Might as well have some refreshments for when the come back out! Besides I found some awesome GF ones at the store 2 weeks ago. I’m craving them.

I did some foot worship for Master tonight. I just love doing that. I feel so connected to my submissive spirit when I’m at his feet, massaging oil into them. Bliss, that’s what it is.

Oh, I haven’t told you yet…. I’ve lost 12 lbs since I went Gluten Free. Apparently my body wasn’t processing the gluten, but instead storing it as fat since it didn’t know what to do with it. I stand to work off a bit more weight in the near future if I keep a healthy diet going.

–lunaKM

I’m not feeling right. It’s not quite being sick but it’s not feeling well either. I can pinpoint one reason but I know there is more than one. I’m not sleeping well. Every so often I have issues with wherever I choose to sleep.  My back aches and I feel fatigued during the day.

I think the other thing that is bothering me is the mental and emotional struggle to fully accept a new open relationship with Master and froggy. It isn’t that I’m not okay with it; it just comes with a bunch of new feelings that I’m trying to understand.

On Saturday she mentioned to Master that she wanted a new title for him other than Sir and I had a gut drop reaction. No way was I going to accept her calling him Master too. That’s of course not going to happen, she’s seeking a new title other than Sir is all. Master sort of understands the value of me calling him Master. It’s definitely a possessive thing. He’s mine! Uh, yeah. I can’t figure out why this one bothers me so much. He’s assured me that they will find something else so why does it still come to mind?

I never thought I’d be an open relationship sort of girl and while I have some personal issues I still don’t have a problem with him being with her. I love the idea that Master is so much more fulfilled as a man and Master with someone else in his life. It makes our relationship so strong and fantastic.

But while all this goes on in my head it has physical side effects. The loss of sleep, the poor sleep, headaches, stomach issues and anxiety. Master’s concerned and it shows in his behavior towards me. It’s fragile and careful.

I know I’ll get through this, any time you go through a change in life circumstances things can manifest in different ways. I’m learning and growing with myself. I don’t hate what’s changed in our relationship, just how I’ve responded to it. Does that make sense?

–lunaKM

This is a response for the Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #9:

Do you have a ritual that reminds you of your submission or your relationship dynamic each and every time you do it? How did it get started? What does the ritual entail?

My favorite ritual is when I get to massage Master’s feet. Early in our relationship we used to come up with many ways for me to serve him that were separate from our normal every day exchanges. Soaking and massaging his feet was one that I connected to right away. I’m not a foot fetishist and I really don’t like feet in general but being close and intimate with my Master’s feet, or perhaps it’s the sitting on the floor while doing it that really has me connecting in a good way.

It started as a Sunday ritual, something to cap off the week and prepare for the new work week. I prep his tub of water with epsom salts to relax the tired muscles. After he has soaked them for as long as he’s able to (usually the water is pretty cool by then) I sit down with massage oil to lovingly apply it to his feet.

I don’t have any training with massage so I’m just rubbing his feet how I think they would feel good and watching for his reactions. He loves to have his ankle bone areas massaged, his heels especially and further up his calves.

While I’m doing this, it’s noticeable to myself and him that I’m zoning out or inward as the case may be. I feel so content and happy to be doing it. It’s a direct connection to my submission and service to him. If my carpal tunnel didn’t get in the way I know I’d do it more often. As it is we get to this ritual about once a month now and I look forward to it each and every time.

It’s so special to me that I’ve asked him not to allow froggy to do it. It’s my time with Master, alone in communion with him.

–lunaKM

Worship

I massaged Master’s feet tonight. I connect to a center of peace when I do that. I know Master enjoys it but the pleasure I feel is completely cerebral. I feel so fantastic. It’s like subspace but more euphoric.

–lunaKM

Connection

The sex we had this morning was hot and sexy for me. It felt like a spiritual connection, a melding of minds and bodies. I’m certain that for Master it was just sex, but well, it was fantastic.

It’s not often that I feel this way during sex. It’s more like just sex, fucking, being used. Passion and pleasure. The connection is special and unique each and every time it occurs.

The AC guys were here again today. This time they found a crack in our furnace coil. That means we get a new furnace. It also means the blower fan will be high powered enough to cool the apartment with the new AC unit. Took them long enough – it also explains the excessive headaches we had this winter and maybe even the sinus problems.

Gonna make Master some brownies tomorrow before I leave for the submissive forum.  I’m looking forward to seeing him smile when he has yummy chocolate brownies to eat :)

Well, I’m off. I really hope I’ll have more to say on Friday.

–lunaKM

Fatigue

I started out strong today even though I was sure I didn’t sleep well. I got the kitchen and bedroom all cleaned up and was ready to dive into the living room when I hit my wall. Fatigue, crippling fatigue.

Master is tired today too but I can’t be sure if I’m just tired or if I’m feeling this way because of an accidental glutening. It’s so hard to know these things. Master said I wasn’t very careful this weekend but I know I stuck with safe foods. Hrm.

Either way I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to. I sure don’t want to go another week feeling behind on things. I have so much I want to accomplish and as each day passes it piles up higher.

I haven’t talked about my visit with Dad on Thursday because there isn’t that much to tell. He didn’t stay very long. We went out to lunch and he left immediately after that. I asked him back inside but his SO didn’t even want to leave the car. She seemed to clam up as soon as I said we weren’t going to talk about religion when Dad brought up praying.

So, after not seeing him for 3 years he visits for 2.5 hours. He’s in the area until Wednesday morning but all the time he had for me was lunch. Not sure how that works but oh well. He’s creating just as much distance as I have.

Oh well I guess.

–lunaKM

Last Friday my mom and I went to Grandma’s (her mom’s) grave to place flowers. My great-grandma is also in the cemetery not far away.

There were already flowers on both graves but Mom was certain they looked like the ones she placed last year (faded, same style/color) so she moved them around and with the new ones she brought filled both headstone vases.

I placed my separate bouquet nearby, that I bought during memorial flower sales.

Tonight I get a call that the person (mom’s cousin) that actually placed the original flowers on great-grandma’s grave returned and was so upset that the flowers were moved around that she ripped all the flowers out of grandma’s grave (save mine since they were separate). It was a misunderstanding on mom’s part about the flowers and she feels really bad about it but…

How cruel and horrible! I’m just beside myself with anger and sadness.

Yes, the cousin probably thought the same thing when she saw what happened, but who takes it that step further and just tosses all of the flowers from someone’s grave to get back at the ones who placed them?

And then she didn’t even have the guts to tell Mom directly but passed it through another cousin. OMG.

I’m so upset it makes me sick and while I’m glad that the flowers I placed are still there I am shocked that people can be so childish.

What I’ve come away with this is… don’t touch other people’s memorial flowers, no matter what.

–lunaKM

Master has a budding relationship with froggy going on. I’ve been slowly accepting and allowing more sexual interaction between them. (Yes I’m his submissive, but he also wants to respect my boundaries in this area so their interactions go through me and my limits.)

Very recently I’ve been preparing for the time that they will have sex. And the only hang up I have right now, other than birth control and STD screenings, is that I’m not feeling possessive about it. Ok, that sounds weird doesn’t it. I’m confused that I don’t have a strong feeling about his having sex with someone else one way or another. And part of me feels that I should – which happens to be the part that I’m wrangling with.

I’m his slut-wife. Why don’t I feel somewhat a sense of ownership over the sex we have. Is it security and trust? Is it that I don’t find myself afraid of what will happen? I just don’t know.

And then… I can think of it this way and it computes. We have sex, no one has sex the way we do with each other. No matter if he has sex with froggy or not – the sex we have will remain just as passionate and fantastic as always. He’s not cheating on me and he’s not in this to try and shop for someone else. He tells me all the time that I am the most important thing to him and he shows me too. So, that’s why his having sex with someone else isn’t a threat.

Nothing will change between us. And not all couples can say that.

Now, Master is fiercely possessive of me. He won’t ever share me. And I like it that way. I don’t have a desire to have sex with anyone else. He is my perfect mate. It just happens that he has someone else too.

Maybe there is more to this, and maybe there isn’t. I just don’t know.

–lunaKM

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