You know…. sometimes I wonder how seasonal depression sets in. Is it an amount of stress that makes it come to head? Or is it just the weather and the gloomy days instead of bright sunshine? I don’t know but I think I have it. And it sucks.
I did have a nicer day though in that Master let me go work outside of home for a few hours. I just feel rejuvenated when I do that. Master wants me to learn to work from home and I agree, but just once a week I love to be out and about. It’s a connection to other people and it feels good.
I’ve got plans for more organized way cleaning ideas. I’m just so frustrated with myself and my disorganized way of homecare. I keep thinking I have a good way to go about it, and then it gets abandoned. I know something has to work and so I need to find it. It’s unfortunate that cleaning isn’t a submissive sort of feeling task for me or I might be more motivated. It’s just more that I have to do it to earn my way here. It’s my job so I have to find a way to be happy and keep Master in a clean and happy home.
Is there ever a time that there is too much organizational tools or whatnot and it gets in the way of the actual tasks? Gosh, part of me just wants a binder and go through it but I’ve had something like it and never kept it up. Gah it’s hard.
I have a lot more thinking to do I think.
I’m so thrilled that the group I had been cheering on all season one the Sing-Off! I will definitely ask Master to buy their CD when it comes out.
I’ve been recovering from my jaw pain. I’m not sure what caused it but it’s still nagging. Last night I sneezed and it didn’t hurt right away but I felt something pull and moments after Master asked me if I was okay and I said I was fine, I was crying and struggling through the pain.
I’m struggling. I’m feeling aimless and frustrated about my submission right now. I can’t get over the feeling that Master isn’t getting everything he needs because I’m constantly hurting. I’m not motivated to do more than I have to and while Master still looks at me with that glint in his eye and moan in pleasure when I bend over in front of him I’m not living up to my potential.
I’m going to have to try harder. I need to be more organized with my own submission. I understand how it should be done and what I need to get there. I can do this.
This has been flying around the blogosphere lately and it’s been named the Virtual Blogger award and the Versatile Blogger award. It’s the same thing as far as I can tell. I’ve been tagged numerous times so I thought it best to post while I have time.
Rules are quite simple. Thank the people who gave you the award, share 7 things about yourself and then nominate 15 other blogs.
Thank you goes to pixie, beloved’s girl, kaya, MDpt, and a few others that I can’t recall now. Oh, and Theresa also nominated Submissive Guide and since I don’t post awards there I wanted to say thank you for that one also.
Now, for the 7 Things…
- 25 Things about me and my submission
- 100 Things about me
- Another 100 Things (in the works)
- Random things
- Yes No things
- 5 Things from Mija
- Another 7 Things meme
Tag, you’re it!
Today’s Submissive Guide Blog Hop is to talk about your most valuable asset in your relationship. It’s taken me a long time to think about what that could be. I mean I’m not a patient person, I don’t do well with completing tasks either.
My most valuable asset is my desire to change and grow. If I didn’t want to change and didn’t work hard to get there I wouldn’t develop into the person I want and need to be for Master. I know he’s happy to have me change.
The fact that it took me so long to figure out what my asset is to him is a worry, in my opinion. Why shouldn’t I know what makes me special to Master? It should be in the forefront of my mind so that I can keep him happy and make my assets really stand out.
Of course, he’d say that it’s likely my ass and tits that are my best assets but I’m not going that direction. Nope, not me.
I slept poorly last night and most of it was in fits of a headache. I had a headache all day today and while that has faded my jaw now hurts. I think I may have slept with it clenched. Miserable.
Master has been great about it. He’s so caring and wonderful and I really appreciate how well he takes care of me. I never thought I’d have the love I have from him in my life. He comforted me, made me hot tea and checked in on me when I was napping. Love, I has it.
Tonight I’ve been browsing prices for a basic needle play kit. Master and I went to a demo on needle play recently by Lqqkout and I’m super curious about it enough that I’d love to be his pin cushion. I asked all these questions about once they are in how to make it more painful, lol. Endorphin rush I’m sure. He’s given me permission to get a kit together after his next paycheck. I’m excited! I hope I like it as much as thinking about it makes me excited.
Nanowrimo has fallen flat this week. I’m shooting for 25K now… that’s half the expected goal. I have just 3K left to get there. I have gotten a lot done and even more plans together for more. Inspired that December will be a simple month for content I’m sure I can get more writing done next month than I usually do.
Tomorrow Master and I are home for Thanksgiving. I’m making a stuffed bacon wrapped turkey breast and all the fixings. I’m going to try a mashed sweet potato casserole this year. I always look forward to the Macy’s parade on TV and there’s always Punkin’ Chunkin’ on Discovery at night (LOL).
Saw Mom today. Got her all set up with her new computer so that she could use it for facebook and online Bingo – you heard me right. Ah well, I also showed her all the free TV and radio that is online so that she can enjoy other pleasures.
I had another Submissive Forum tonight. I went great. I learned a lot. And anyone who says that the facilitator won’t learn anything is wrong. We learn just as much as the attendees. The topic tonight was overcoming anger and frustration. I focused on frustration because that leads to anger and if we can squash frustration we’ll have less anger. I learned about all the ways other handle frustration and why it’s so difficult for submissives specifically; we overthink a lot of things and expect us to be perfect a lot.
I’ll be doing a video post on the subject this week for Submissive Guide as well so hopefully I’ll put all those thoughts into the video so that others can understand it too. Next month’s topic will be just as fantastic – courtesy, manners and appropriate speech. A bit weighty for just 2 hours but I bet we can wade through a lot of it in that time.
Master has been feeling a bit neglected sexually so I need to pay more attention to him tomorrow. I really do adore him and each time I talk about him at meetings and such it just reminds me how perfect he is for me and how much I love what he does for me. I could never be the person I am today without him.
Thanksgiving will be low key here, just the two of us. I’m making a bacon wrapped stuffed turkey breast and a few of the fixins. I always look forward to the Parade so I’ll be watching that also. Master won’t be up till noon. I think we might have a movie marathon if he’s up to it. I know one year we did Lord of the Rings and another we did Harry Potter. Not sure what we’ll do this year but we’ll spend time together, that’s for sure.
I have another toy from BDSM-Gear that I need to test out so that I can review it soon too. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a leather strap so that means a spanking is forthcoming. Yay!
I missed posting yesterday. I went to bed early. I’ve not been sleeping well. I fear that I may be sick again. I’m going to have to learn to function while sick because so much doesn’t get done and then I have a back log of things to do. It makes me feel constantly behind and I hate that feeling.
I went to my bi-annual BDSM Presentation for my alma mater on Thursday. The class was very interested in the rules that I have and it always makes me realize just how many I do have and how far into protocol Master and I are compared to others in the lifestyle. I can’t help but be amazed by my own relationship then.
And of course while I’m telling them some of my rules, I come up with another one to ask Master if I should consider. I called it the 3 second rule, as in I have to wait 3 seconds to speak when he’s around so that I make sure I don’t interrupt him. I think my main problem with interrupting him is that I don’t make a note to see if he’s talking to begin with. I’m so into my own thoughts and conversation that I am unaware. Bad submissive! This 3 second rule is going to suck and I’m going to be so frustrated by it as I learn if it will work or not. Master likes the idea so we’ll be testing it out now.
We have so many other rules that have fallen by the wayside – unenforced and undone. I remember what some of them are, but still don’t feel the push to do them so they just sit as failed rules… for now. I know that every rule that Master suggests are ones that he’d like to have enforced but also know that would be very taxing on him. It’s my job to remember the rules and do my best to do them.
I seem to always think about my rules when I’m feeling behind, like my mind just wants to pile more onto the stress for the hell of it. I don’t know why it does that.
I changed my blog theme again. The header image isn’t working and it’s frustrating me. I’d like to some day use the media library again but it’s not on Master’s high list of things to fix. I think the whole thing is a bit buggy, like right now in the post editor I can only write on half of the post box before it carriage returns. Odd. Ah well, a cobbler’s children never have shoes as the saying goes. I’m sure he’ll get to it eventually.
Tomorrow I go to UNI to do another BDSM presentation for the sexuality class there. I’ve done it for 6 years now so it’s nothing special but I have a lot of fun and hopefully people learn from what the panel of people have to say. Every year new questions are presented that we never thought we’d be asked. Very fun!
I’m doing okay on the writing this week. I’m behind by like 5000 words but I think that I’m doing pretty darned good considering. I need to be more inspired for an ebook, and I might have come across an idea for a topic that would interest people. I’ll have to flesh out my ideas and see if I can generate enough information for it. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow on the ride up to UNI if the company I’m with isn’t chatty. Last time they were though which is just as fun so who knows.
Goal-wise I’ve written 25 blog posts, 2 one-week ecourses, in progress of a blog series and started an ebook (that isn’t going well). I wanted to get more ebooks written but it’s not looking like it.
This period is kicking my ass. I was so sick feeling yesterday I went to bed at 9:30 but didn’t fall asleep until almost 1am because of a headache. OMG headache. The cats got annoyed with my constant tossing and turning too. I’ll sleep better tonight I think.
Updates on the Nanowrimo front:
I’m just at 20K and the halfway point is tomorrow. There is no way I’ll get to 25K by the end of tomorrow but I am proud of my efforts so far. I’ve got a lot of blog posts written and 2 ecourses done. I’m running close to out of topics and farming other sites for ideas. I hope I can keep my steam going.
I can’t wait till Master fixes the problem I have with posting little avatar pictures on here. I miss them.
This weekend I helped Mom get a new computer set up. I have to go back with some more software to get it to connect to the internet but she was very grateful to me for doing so. I also got a Bissel Steamquick machine from her. She bought it for herself when her kitchen floor wasn’t getting clean with scrubbing. She called me to ask for help and I told her a simple trick – vinegar. I told her to use dishsoap and 1/2 c. vinegar in her mop bucket and it shined up her floors getting all the grime stuck in the texture and she’s so thrilled that she gave me the machine for my carpets. Hopefully I can get a bit more dirt out of them cause it’s bad. I know the apt complex didn’t clean them between tenants.
Hrm. I really don’t have a lot to say today. I’m struggling.
This week has been difficult. Compared to the explosive sexual energy that we kindled and kept alive last week, we’ve fallen flat this week and it’s mostly my issue. I’m not feeling it. I try to please him, but because I don’t have genuine interest in it he’s not getting turned on. It’s been a struggle which came to a head late one night.
We always have an argument about sex when I’m not feeling sexy and it starts to hinder his sexual frequency most importantly his need for powerfully erotic sex. I struggle to be on that scale a lot – even though in the past I didn’t have nearly the problem I do now. It’s not that I don’t want sex, but that I can’t find the desire that makes me want to tease and flirt and be his sexy voracious slut for him.
My carpal tunnel has flared enough that I’m not even trying to reach my word goal for Nanowrimo. I am trying to do some writing everyday and I am still tracking my word count so that if the carpal tunnel calms down I can get some more intense writing in but Master has forbid me to overdo it. I’m bummed but I know that I can still get a lot accomplished in little sprints throughout the day that will have little impact on my wrists.
Do you remember those habit changing goals I was doing a while back? Like brush my teeth and do the dishes before I go to bed? Yeah, they fell by the wayside. I’m just terrible. I need to pick them back up because I got up this morning, looked at my kitchen and my shoulders slumped. Ugh – dirty dishes I thought. Yeah, I used to feel great to walk in my kitchen in the morning and see it clean and dish free. I’m restarting that task tonight, along with the teeth brushing.