I remember when I used to blog here about my questioning whether I was submissive or not. The issues I had then were that I was so independent and pushing against Master’s control that I didn’t think I could be as submissive as he wanted me to be. Even then Master said he could see my deep desire to be submissive even if I couldn’t see it myself.
It took me a long time to accept that submission really was where I wanted to be in life. When I did that something inside me shifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I thrived on perfecting my submission to him and even though I am far from perfect I think for a time he was very pleased with me.
We’ve had our set backs. But we’ve had progress too. I used to complain endlessly about blow jobs on this blog to the point that readers would ask me why I haven’t put it on my limits list or how can I really be submissive if I don’t like giving head. Today, I enjoy it enough that complaining doesn’t happen. Master has awesome blow jobs. I’ve learned new tricks and I’m more at ease facing a cock. It is a good thing.
I’ve also slid into laziness, lost my focus with domestic chores and the rules I’ve had for years are slipping. Is this because I need him to recognize when I’m slipping and punish me? I don’t know. Punishment hasn’t really been something we do. Master prefers positive reinforcement.
So am I digging for attention? I don’t think that’s the answer either. I get plenty of attention whenever I need it. With Master home all the time I can see him whenever I’m feeling a moment of need.
Then is it that I’m no longer submissive? Can you fall out of submission?
Master has recently asked if we could move from D/s to M/s. This of course means I need to acknowledge and identify as a slave. I’ve never been comfortable with the title and unlike other people that I’ve talked to, it feels restricting. Identifying as a slave isn’t a freeing moment for me, it would be like locking me in a cage. I know it’s simply how I feel and that can be changed, but if I’ve felt this way for so long how long is it going to take?
Am I capable of being a slave? After a long talk with Master with some very raw feelings, it turns out that I probably can’t be the slave that Master wants. It hurts me to know that I’m inadequate. I understand that no one can be everything to someone, but that I am failing him in this growth hurts.
The biggest reason that I can’t accept slavery is the childhood abuse I suffered restricts how I manage things now. I’m not capable of letting go completely. I trust Master, I really do, more than I’ve trusted anyone. I know he’s not going to hurt me. But down inside myself is this beast, this dark evil thing that threatens to come out and be the abuser; or to tell me that no one can be trusted and drive me to feel like a child all over again.
I’m going to have to go to therapy to take care of these issues. It could change me. I’m hoping it would make me a better person and that Master would love me more; perhaps I could then become the slave for him. Right now, we can’t afford therapy; but soon.
I think I’ve started to self medicate by not talking to my father on the phone. I’d really like to not have the visions of pain and anger in my head and whenever we talk they come flooding back. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also considering writing about the abuse to get it out and sort through it. Is self-therapy worth trying? I’ve had these things bottled up or maybe just the emotions attached to the events locked away for a long time.
So if I finally shed my childhood misery can I reach out to touch the slavehood that Master wants and I can possibly fulfill?