April 2011

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Bliss in Service

I got up at 4:30am yesterday to watch the Royal Wedding. Master thinks I’m silly for doing that but oh well. I’m in wedding fever mode so anything wedding I want to watch. I’ve been watching the specials all week long up to the day. The dress was a good choice. It was understated and classic. I liked the little smiles and body language you got to see. The ceremony was nice. I have never attended a catholic wedding so to have a service in the ceremony is foreign to me. Lovely choir though, I loved that part.

As for the rest of the day I had a headache all day so I was cranky. Which made Master cranky. So we spent the day separate so we didn’t attack each other. I went to bed with a headache and I’ve woken up with a mild headache that I hope will go away before Master gets up.

Master worked on subguide coding (for the new design/site) and he’s constantly dreaming up more products for me to make. I’m not sure where I’ll find the time to do it all but they were great ideas so, who knows. The community side of the site is coming along quite well. I have every hope that it will be worth joining and being a part of.

Journal Prompt: Do you ever find you enjoy the service just for the service’s sake?

There is one thing I can think of that I do because it is service to Master and that in itself makes me feel good. Foot massage. When I ask Master if he’d like a foot massage it is usually because I want to connect with my service. I’m not a foot person, I don’t like feet really. But when I’m sitting on the floor in front of Master’s feet with a bottle of lotion or oil all I can think of is making him feel good and taking care of them. I tend to get focused on what I’m doing more than other things I do. Before the carpal tunnel I was able to massage them a lot longer and I miss doing that.

Another reason I like foot massage is because I can connect with the feeling of doing it just for service sake. There’s something peaceful there.  If I could find a way to connect this way in other tasks I’d be in bliss.


It’s been a busy couple of days.

I went to my mother’s house to show her how to use her computer. She’s just now getting onto the internet and learning the basics of using a computer. I showed her how to make folders on her desktop as well as in her favorites list. I showed her how to make shortcuts to her favorite websites on her desktop. I started to show her how to use a word processing software. She’s on Facebook now and signed up with eHarmony too.

Master played with his play partner while I was at Mom’s. He said the play went well but then she started arguing with her partner, who was there, immediately after and it made him uncomfortable. So, when I came home they were leaving. Master was coming down hard because he didn’t get any sort of afterglow period. It’s hard to see him go through that and not know what will help him. I offered all sorts of things and in the end I just gave him space.

Then we fucked like rabid bunnies. All was right with the world after that.

Today my goal was to get the house in order and to work on Submissive Guide. I’ve felt behind since Monday and today was catch up day. I got a lot done and it feels good.

I’m still documenting where all my time is going every day. It’s getting annoyingly habitual. I’m afraid this might be a long term thing since positive results have come out of it. I’ll have to see what Master decides.

We are coming in on the home stretch for the wedding. It’s just 5 weeks away. I’m pretty excited!


Zipped and Ripped

I told my mom today about the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of Dad. She didn’t remember any of it. I think she was a little shocked. I’m not surprised. She’s having a hard time remembering a lot of things. Doctors don’t think it’s dementia though.

It was a step in trying to get this weight of my childhood off my shoulders. If she wishes to talk about it I’ll have to be open to her and hopefully it will cleanse my mind about the pain I’m re-experiencing. I’m also considering a journal where I write down the things I recall, the memories, the painful thoughts, the stress of growing up in that family.

I’ll be going to mom’s for a mother/daughter day tomorrow. I get to teach her all about computers. LOL. She just got a used one and doesn’t know a whole lot about what it can do or how to work things. Should be a fun day.

Master is playing tomorrow with his playmate. Her Dom will be there to watch. He’s really new and she wanted KM to show him how she can enjoy pain and pleasure together. I’m certain that will have a great time! I might even get to see some of it if I come home from my day with mom at a decent hour.

I got a lot done today. Having to record everything I’m doing and the time it’s taking me to do  it is really keeping me on task and I rarely waste time away like I used to. I’m not sure I’d enjoy doing this long term, but I will continue as long as Master wishes it. I think he’s noticing a positive change as well.

A couple days ago, Master enacted a sex dream for me. It was to have clothespin zippers on my labia ripped off a the point of climax (which he brought on with the Hitachi). It was amazingly painful and hot at the same time. Definitely fun fun fun.


I remember when I used to blog here about my questioning whether I was submissive or not. The issues I had then were that I was so independent and pushing against Master’s control that I didn’t think I could be as submissive as he wanted me to be. Even then Master said he could see my deep desire to be submissive even if I couldn’t see it myself.

It took me  a long time to accept that submission really was where I wanted to be in life. When I did that something inside me shifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I thrived on perfecting my submission to him and even though I am far from perfect I think for a time he was very pleased with me.

We’ve had our set backs. But we’ve had progress too. I used to complain endlessly about blow jobs on this blog to the point that readers would ask me why I haven’t put it on my limits list or how can I really be submissive if I don’t like giving head. Today, I enjoy it enough that complaining doesn’t happen. Master has awesome blow jobs. I’ve learned new tricks and I’m more at ease facing a cock. It is a good thing.

I’ve also slid into laziness, lost my focus with domestic chores and the rules I’ve had for years are slipping. Is this because I need him to recognize when I’m slipping and punish me? I don’t know. Punishment hasn’t really been something we do. Master prefers positive reinforcement.

So am I digging for attention? I don’t think that’s the answer either. I get plenty of attention whenever I need it. With Master home all the time I can see him whenever I’m feeling a moment of need.

Then is it that I’m no longer submissive? Can you fall out of submission?

Master has recently asked if we could move from D/s to M/s. This of course means I need to acknowledge and identify as a slave. I’ve never been comfortable with the title and unlike other people that I’ve talked to, it feels restricting. Identifying as a slave isn’t a freeing moment for me, it would be like locking me in a cage. I know it’s simply how I feel and that can be changed, but if I’ve felt this way for so long how long is it going to take?

Am I capable of being a slave? After a long talk with Master with some very raw feelings, it turns out that I probably can’t be the slave that Master wants. It hurts me to know that I’m inadequate. I understand that no one can be everything to someone, but that I am failing him in this growth hurts.

The biggest reason that I can’t accept slavery is the childhood abuse I suffered restricts how I manage things now. I’m not capable of letting go completely. I trust Master, I really do, more than I’ve trusted anyone. I know he’s not going to hurt me. But down inside myself is this beast, this dark evil thing that threatens to come out and be the abuser; or to tell me that no one can be trusted and drive me to feel like a child all over again.

I’m going to have to go to therapy to take care of these issues. It could change me. I’m hoping it would make me a better person and that Master would love me more; perhaps I could then become the slave for him. Right now, we can’t afford therapy; but soon.

I think I’ve started to self medicate by not talking to my father on the phone. I’d really like to not have the visions of pain and anger in my head and whenever we talk they come flooding back. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also considering writing about the abuse to get it out and sort through it. Is self-therapy worth trying? I’ve had these things bottled up or maybe just the emotions attached to the events locked away for a long time.

So if I finally shed my childhood misery can I reach out to touch the slavehood that Master wants and I can possibly fulfill?



Not a whole lot to say today. Master fucked me nice during lunch break. He pulled out the Hitachi wand, my favorite orgasm toy and ripped, and I mean ripped, a couple from me.

If you have ever been told not to move while coming you’ll understand why I now have achy muscles all over. My wrists are shot and I’m exhausted.

Today Master had me keep track of everything I’ve done, with times. It’s been insane and sometimes silly but for whatever reason I can say I know what I did all day. I don’t think there’s any lost time. I think this is to work on my being lazy and not knowing where all my time is going everyday.

I’m gonna cut this short. I haven’t done alot of reflection today so there’s no progress on other fronts. Other than I need therapy we can’t afford right now. Blergh.


I got another piece of the wedding wardrobe today. The shawl I’m going to wear over my shoulders. It’s really pretty and will work well. I’m getting so excited. I think I just need shoes and jewelry.

Master and I are still strained D/s relationship-wise, but the communication lines are wide open. We’ll figure something out that will make us both happy. Right now I’m working on focus. I asked Master for weekly meetings to see where I’m slipping and hopefully catch it before it gets bad.

I wrote an essay for him answering some questions he posed to me a while ago and they were difficult to answer. The answers will make it hard for him to move forward with his training plans for me and I foresee some therapy in my future to work out childhood issues (things I don’t want to face).

It angers me to know that the abuse I suffered as a child is hindering my progress as his submissive and that it’s taken this long to realize what’s stopping me from submitting fully. If it’s what I want, but can’t get past the barriers, what happens to me? To us? I put up this protective wall and I’m terrified of what I see on the other side. Why would I want to tear it down? The abused can become the abuser. I can see it. I feel it. It’s there, hiding in wait. The wall is the only thing keeping it back. And I want to put a happiness in submission on top of it.

But that’s not enough. I push at authority because of it. I question every decision. I can’t relax and allow him to be in control. But I want it! Damn childhood trauma getting in the way.

My life sucked, why does it get in the way of my new happy life? Am I destined to struggle?


Evil Bastard Play

Master played yesterday, although not with me. He’s got a masochistic bottom that he can be evil with in ways that I can’t process. This is the second time that he’s played with her and probably not the last. It appears to be working out well between them, and between Master and I. It’s a new experience for Master to let the evil bastard out.

Since he’s picked up someone else to beat on the edge as he calls it doesn’t creep into our play, inhibiting his ability to play with me the way I need and want. It could be a blossoming of our relationship if he’s able to express his play in more than the one way. He won’t be as limited and the evil bastard inside that I just can’t handle has somewhere to go as well.

The reason I can’t handle the bastard are quite simple really. I love Master and I know he loves me, but I just can’t process the emotions that his evil side brings out. I can’t accept it as play. You might recall a few months ago where we had a scene and one of the things is he spit on me. It just hit a nerve and I was stuck on the way I felt for days. I couldn’t get past it and realize it was just play and that Master still loves me more than I can probably fathom and his evil bastard ways are just part of him.

He’s accepted that I can’t process a lot of his mean, evil desires and that’s where his new play bottom comes in.

I still like to play, but admittedly my play is more tame and less raw emotion I guess. We still love it and feed off of each other during our play time. There’s something spiritual to me about our play, like two souls that dance in perfect harmony through pain and pleasure. Even something as simple as a spanking binds me to him just a bit more. It’s hard for me to imagine my world without him in it.


High Hopes

Today has been a really good day.

Besides waking up at 3:30am feeling like I was going to throw up…. but that passed.

I got up and got some website work done. When Master got up I started off with errands. I went to the bank and then off to get my eyebrows waxed. They needed it bad, seriously. I also booked my hair trial and day of appointments!

The off for the first part of grocery shopping. I feel great when I get deals. And I love Aldi’s. I got 3/4 the list for under $80 and that’s for 2 weeks groceries. Then I found an over the door exerciser for $12. If any of you follow Offbeat Home you’ll know a recent post talked about using it for alternate purposes and the kink in me peaked. I had to try it out.

Got home with it and Master just looked at it in the trunk and then smiled. Oh yeah he got it. Before I could finish putting the groceries away he was putting it together and trying it out in the door frame. We have a winner!

Then we went out to lunch, enjoyed chatting. He approved my proposed budget of under $50 for wedding day shoes so I’ve been hunting for some sexy low heels in gold/gold sparkle. Not an easy task. Why is it that the standard heel height is 3″? I need 2.5 or less. And I don’t like flats, they don’t feel formal enough. Anyone want to help? I need an 11 wide or 11.5.

On my second trip out for groceries I got permission to get hair color. The hair stylist recommended going back to something close to my natural color before I try coloring it the red on the blue end of the spectrum that I prefer since it’s been so long (over a year). And I’m going to need a haircut before the big day too. Maybe I can get that done along with the hair trial. I’ll have to call and ask.

I’m getting so excited. Everything is coming together, I have a couple things in the mail on their way to me. We still don’t have a restaurant for after the ceremony but we’ll figure something out. With a party of 7 it shouldn’t be to hard to go just about anywhere.

Talked with my best friend, Lexi. She’s going to Taiwan next month for 10 days. I’m so jealous! It sounds like a great time. She’ll have some stories for me definitely when she comes back. I like visiting other places I just don’t like the traveling part :P

Tonight we tried out the over the door bar. I asked Master is he wanted to slap my tits around before I sucked his cock. Can I get a hell yes? I don’t think he hesitated at all. It was more of a hands rubbing together in evil excitement. I have a couple marks since my boobs mark easily and the blow job was fun too!

Today, good day.


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