I’ve been fighting a lot with myself lately. I’m not feeding my submission and it has lead to me questioning my devotion to submission and to my Master. Recently I have not felt the same joy at maintaining the house as I used to, to caring for his needs and feel a sense of sadness when the feelings well up inside. I’ve even gone as far as thinking horrible thoughts about disobedience and refusal to obey.

It’s disgusting to me that I have let myself get so far off the path that I have loved for so long. My growth and the closeness at which Master and I love and live feels forced. This has nothing to do with the love I feel for him; which grows daily, but for my own position in life. I’m struggling.

The other day Master brought to my attention that I’ve been off balance since the fuckmeat moment of a few weeks ago. I’ve been growing more distant since then. I have to admit to myself that I am still struggling with my feelings of that night. These thoughts may very well be what has caused me such strife lately.

I’ve grown selfish, very selfish in my desires and have no fear in expressing them and forcing them on Master. He has rightfully put me in my place a number of times and yet all I can think about is what he is denying me. I need for nothing and yet I am getting greedy with my wants. I have yet to fulfill all of his wants and needs so why I think mine are suddenly above his alarms me.

The past 5 days I’ve had intense headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups for twice as long. Yet these things are getting in the way of my service and irking me to no end. I truly feel sorry for having these physical issues, but am I really ready to serve him once I am well?

I need to find that joy I have had in the past, the progress of my submission restarted and a positive light on my life. I will look further inward to spark my desires once more.

In the meantime, we will be married in a couple months time and I’m getting nervous. I fear that our lives will suddenly shift or something will happen to make marriage a bad decision. Now I know these feelings are all based on my past experience and this relationship is far different than my first. I want to marry Master with my whole being, yet I am waking in fear of becoming his wife. He won’t change how he treats me, so why does the word ‘wife’ bring such dread to me? Slut, I adore, baby, even more. But wife…. that is a word that scares me.

What happens when I become his wife? Will I be expected to be anything more than I am? Why do I suddenly feel a weight of additional responsibility on me? Could this be the reason for my submissive struggles right now?

How am I to reconcile what I already know to be true? Becoming his wife will not change me anymore than in name.  I look forward to the commitment we will make to one another as something just as sacred as the collar I wear.