Wife Struggle

I’ve been fighting a lot with myself lately. I’m not feeding my submission and it has lead to me questioning my devotion to submission and to my Master. Recently I have not felt the same joy at maintaining the house as I used to, to caring for his needs and feel a sense of sadness when the feelings well up inside. I’ve even gone as far as thinking horrible thoughts about disobedience and refusal to obey.

It’s disgusting to me that I have let myself get so far off the path that I have loved for so long. My growth and the closeness at which Master and I love and live feels forced. This has nothing to do with the love I feel for him; which grows daily, but for my own position in life. I’m struggling.

The other day Master brought to my attention that I’ve been off balance since the fuckmeat moment of a few weeks ago. I’ve been growing more distant since then. I have to admit to myself that I am still struggling with my feelings of that night. These thoughts may very well be what has caused me such strife lately.

I’ve grown selfish, very selfish in my desires and have no fear in expressing them and forcing them on Master. He has rightfully put me in my place a number of times and yet all I can think about is what he is denying me. I need for nothing and yet I am getting greedy with my wants. I have yet to fulfill all of his wants and needs so why I think mine are suddenly above his alarms me.

The past 5 days I’ve had intense headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups for twice as long. Yet these things are getting in the way of my service and irking me to no end. I truly feel sorry for having these physical issues, but am I really ready to serve him once I am well?

I need to find that joy I have had in the past, the progress of my submission restarted and a positive light on my life. I will look further inward to spark my desires once more.

In the meantime, we will be married in a couple months time and I’m getting nervous. I fear that our lives will suddenly shift or something will happen to make marriage a bad decision. Now I know these feelings are all based on my past experience and this relationship is far different than my first. I want to marry Master with my whole being, yet I am waking in fear of becoming his wife. He won’t change how he treats me, so why does the word ‘wife’ bring such dread to me? Slut, I adore, baby, even more. But wife…. that is a word that scares me.

What happens when I become his wife? Will I be expected to be anything more than I am? Why do I suddenly feel a weight of additional responsibility on me? Could this be the reason for my submissive struggles right now?

How am I to reconcile what I already know to be true? Becoming his wife will not change me anymore than in name.  I look forward to the commitment we will make to one another as something just as sacred as the collar I wear.

–lunaKM

 

5 comments

  1. Lada MacManus’s avatar

    I’m sorry this is going on for you.
    I don’t have much I can say. I really want to thank you for being honest and sharing this.
    Sometimes I read online and get this impression that no other sub in a long term f2f relp ever has doubts, finds themselves wearing the selfish cranky pants for a time, and/or stiff self-lectures don’t fix everything right away.

  2. MrJ’s avatar

    Have no experience in being a wife, but am having one. Frankly, she did not change a bit upon marriage! ;-)
    I have never complained, nor been surprised, about that particular lack of discontinuity (there are others on which I care more ;-) ) . Both of us have, however, been disturbed about all those inquiries of people who somehow seemed to expect differently…

  3. J’s avatar

    I hope you feel better soon. Do you feel like you are getting what you need as a submissive,. Of course your Master’s needs come first, but you are still a human being, and submission takes a lot out of us, especially emotionally. Maybe you are feeling greedy and unsettled lately, because you need a little extra reassurance, and are acting out, perhaps not even realizing it. While you can consent to being submitting and doing scenes, your body doesn’t always get the memo! A rough scene can easily put up a “wall” to protect you…like a flight or fight response. And that can stay open long after the scene has ended, if those natural feelings aren’t resolved. Maybe some relaxing rituals after scenes like taking a shower together, or just some extra cuddles from your Master can help. :) And if he grants you those things, be so grateful, and remember what a gift he is giving you, just as you give to him. When you feel so happy and fulfilled to commit, your Master feels happy to dominate and claim you, and things will flow again. I hope you can relax and be the excited bride you deserve to be! Your fears are normal. Don’t fret so much. I think you know in your heart your Master is the one. :) Best of luck.

  4. PurpleOrchid’s avatar

    Some of what you’re feeling at the moment may well be down to the residual effects of a rough scene but it may also be down to plain simple cold feet that inevitably will warm up again shortly. I’m currently obsessing over offbeat bride and there are frequently girls on there feeling that the bounce has left their springs.
    Trust your heart, your heart is telling you you love this man more than anything but you got burnt once before. As J said, your fears are normal and in-built, but don’t let them rule you! I’m sure you’ll find your path again.

  5. kinkykittiekatt’s avatar

    hey, my name is leta and i have been interested in the sub lifestyle for some time. I dont have any experience or haven’t met any fellow subs to0 talk and relate too. I would love a chance to chat with you, if your looking for a new bubbly friend drop me a note. (P.S) It seems through everything you wrote a deep fear lingers through your words of this marriage failing like the last. Every man is different and it truly seems you have become a strong, proud woman through all you have been through. being submissive to me is more of a calling it doesnt define your character in every aspect. You are a survivor through and through so with your knowledge, love and wisdome from and for your master all will work out. Hope to hear from you soon!

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