March 2011

You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2011.

We purchased our wedding  bands today. I got a white gold simple band and Master selected a yellow gold band. It will be quite lovely. This is just one more step closer to the big day.

The end of April we will get the marriage application submitted. Wow. It’s so close! Master said he’s not nervous yet but that it will likely come a few days before. I’m nervous now. He says it doesn’t feel like a life changing event yet. I keep reminding him that I think it is.

I really wish my headaches would go away. I’m hoping they are just stress related. I have had low grade headaches for over a week. Ugh. My wrists have been bad lately too. My hands are so swollen I feel like I’m doing everything in water.

Master is getting aggravated that I have to keep postponing sexual favors due to my physical conditions. I just keep trying to work them in when I’m feeling better than bad (if that makes any sense).


Mr J asks: Looking for creative, non-corporal corrective measures for ensuring obedience in terms of exercises and assignments. What is there beyond the well-known repertoire of lines, cornertime, grounding?

The question I have is why do you need so many different punishment methods? As a submissive, once one thing works I’d prefer you stick with it. If you know I absolutely hate to have my computer time taken away then that will work for any wrong doing that you consider to need non-corporal punishment.

If you want to do punishment fits the crime you can be creative. If it’s back talking, then don’t let them talk for a time. If it’s neglecting to do a task, then make them do without something they enjoy (or the reason they neglected to do the task). It’s all about correcting behavior so you don’t want the submissive to feel like they are never going to improve. Make it something that works and stick with it.

Just my thoughts.


So, this weekend we did a complete 180 degrees. Friday night we had a big discussion, got a lot out in the open and then just started fresh. Every day has gotten better. Sex is back on the hot and heavy radar. Our dynamic is getting back to normal.

I really can’t explain what happened. It just sort of blew over and that was it.

We went to a new munch group on Saturday; one that emphasizes the M/s and D/s relationship. It has protocol required and a dress code. It rocks, it really does. They have plans for a Master’s dinner every year and want to discuss protocol, structure and struggle of a 24/7 type relationship. I’m thrilled and want it to do well.

This Saturday Master is doing a flogging and Florentine flogging demo at the munch. He’s been working hard on learning the 6-point Florentine so that he has a bit more flare to the class. I think people will be interested. He is going to practice with me more this week to get his technique and aim down better.

So, that’s it from here. Things are remarkably better and I’m not wanting to jinx it. No-way.


Falling Apart

Is it any wonder why I’m depressed? Master and I are stubborn as mules when it comes to sex and because neither of us wants to do what the other wants we just aren’t having any. Sucks to be me.

I want intercourse. I want the intimacy that intercourse brings. Master wants a blow job. I find no real intimacy there, but that’s what he wants. Well, and that’s not 100% true. He wants me to volunteer to do something to please him without his asking. The only thing I can do is blow jobs and hand jobs. I’ve had headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups as I’ve talked about on here so those have been…. the last thing on my wish list right now.

And since I am physically incapable of being the active person in sex (me on top) that leaves us with nothing.

It’s hard today. I had hoped for some reconciliation and closeness again; starting with morning romp in bed. He declined me. So my mind jumped to the most irrational thing. That he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore. You don’t need to be attracted to someone to want a blow job from them after all. Or that’s where my mind is.

So I put clothes on and am not shaving until tonight. The things that would normally indicate that I feel confident in my sexuality I just don’t feel like showing off. I’m hiding. It’s a sense of security and childishness I guess.

I’m falling apart inside. I’ve already started worrying about my inner voice struggles and those moments where submission isn’t as important to me as I should be. These things I’ve already talked about and they bothered Master immensely. Now I’m questioning my ability to be sexually attractive to him. Can a girl feel any more worthless and still hold it together?

I’m not pleasing him submissively, nor am I satisfying him sexually. What the hell is wrong with me?


Luke Warm

I missed my required post yesterday and Master is gracious enough to allow me time today to make up for that.

The last post really brought in a dark cloud for Master. He’s troubled that I will be stuck in this rut for awhile and it will affect all aspects of our relationship. Personally I think he’s taking it a bit further than I consider it to be, as I saw it was a personal inner struggle that while it has a few visible repercussions it mostly is my issue.

As so many of you noted, having cold feet is normal and to be fearful that one marriage will be like another is also typical. I am certain that I’ll get through those feelings soon enough. I love Master deeply and am sure that I will see that the same things that failed in my previous marriage can’t happen here. We are far more communicative and compatible.

We go to a new munch group this weekend. This one is M/s related and will have group protocol for the meetings as well as a dress code. I’m really looking forward to it! The leader’s intentions is to someday become a MAsT chapter. It could even be that this bit of protocol will liven up our relationship and we’ll seek even more in our private life. I’m sure we’ll fit in here just fine.


Wife Struggle

I’ve been fighting a lot with myself lately. I’m not feeding my submission and it has lead to me questioning my devotion to submission and to my Master. Recently I have not felt the same joy at maintaining the house as I used to, to caring for his needs and feel a sense of sadness when the feelings well up inside. I’ve even gone as far as thinking horrible thoughts about disobedience and refusal to obey.

It’s disgusting to me that I have let myself get so far off the path that I have loved for so long. My growth and the closeness at which Master and I love and live feels forced. This has nothing to do with the love I feel for him; which grows daily, but for my own position in life. I’m struggling.

The other day Master brought to my attention that I’ve been off balance since the fuckmeat moment of a few weeks ago. I’ve been growing more distant since then. I have to admit to myself that I am still struggling with my feelings of that night. These thoughts may very well be what has caused me such strife lately.

I’ve grown selfish, very selfish in my desires and have no fear in expressing them and forcing them on Master. He has rightfully put me in my place a number of times and yet all I can think about is what he is denying me. I need for nothing and yet I am getting greedy with my wants. I have yet to fulfill all of his wants and needs so why I think mine are suddenly above his alarms me.

The past 5 days I’ve had intense headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups for twice as long. Yet these things are getting in the way of my service and irking me to no end. I truly feel sorry for having these physical issues, but am I really ready to serve him once I am well?

I need to find that joy I have had in the past, the progress of my submission restarted and a positive light on my life. I will look further inward to spark my desires once more.

In the meantime, we will be married in a couple months time and I’m getting nervous. I fear that our lives will suddenly shift or something will happen to make marriage a bad decision. Now I know these feelings are all based on my past experience and this relationship is far different than my first. I want to marry Master with my whole being, yet I am waking in fear of becoming his wife. He won’t change how he treats me, so why does the word ‘wife’ bring such dread to me? Slut, I adore, baby, even more. But wife…. that is a word that scares me.

What happens when I become his wife? Will I be expected to be anything more than I am? Why do I suddenly feel a weight of additional responsibility on me? Could this be the reason for my submissive struggles right now?

How am I to reconcile what I already know to be true? Becoming his wife will not change me anymore than in name.  I look forward to the commitment we will make to one another as something just as sacred as the collar I wear.



Trade Days

I woke up today with a headache. I hate days like that. Headaches that start out in the morning tend to stick around all day long and this has proven to be true with this one. I’ve done my best to work hard anyway and I did get a post written for Submissive Guide. Anything really didn’t happen.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I did the dishes and washed a load of laundry. I played a lot of Pokemon White today to try to just chill. I took a nap as well.  Is that a full day to you? No? I didn’t think so.

I feel bad that I’m not working hard and yet I’m not feeling well at all.

Master woke up in a grumpy mood and warned me about it from the get go. We stayed on our own sides of the apartment for most of the day. With me not feeling well and him being grumpy I just knew we’d be arguing by the end of the day.

You know, the amount of protocol and rules we have everyday and I wonder what we’ll be adding next. The office permission rule works great and I rarely forget to do it. So, next is what? I love that we are getting more and more into a strict home. Doesn’t sound like fun to most but I think I would enjoy it. Perhaps I should make sure to do better with my makeup and hair routine? That could begin the way for a dress code, perhaps?

Oh and did I already say that I’ve played a lot of Pokemon? I’m addicted. If you also play Pokemon White/Black I’d love your friend code! I’ve never done the battles over wi-fi but I’m sure I’ll want to try and I’m definitely in the market for trading. :)


New Desk

I’ve been working from a new location recently and I think I’ve found a way to get some work done and not have to go somewhere else to get it done. I set up the folding table in the kitchen and have been working from there the past few days. It’s been nice (not perfect) and getting more done. Hopefully it will stay that way.

Not that I don’t enjoy being  out and about, but I know Master wishes I were home more often.

Other than that I have nothing else going on.


« Older entries