We purchased our wedding  bands today. I got a white gold simple band and Master selected a yellow gold band. It will be quite lovely. This is just one more step closer to the big day.

The end of April we will get the marriage application submitted. Wow. It’s so close! Master said he’s not nervous yet but that it will likely come a few days before. I’m nervous now. He says it doesn’t feel like a life changing event yet. I keep reminding him that I think it is.

I really wish my headaches would go away. I’m hoping they are just stress related. I have had low grade headaches for over a week. Ugh. My wrists have been bad lately too. My hands are so swollen I feel like I’m doing everything in water.

Master is getting aggravated that I have to keep postponing sexual favors due to my physical conditions. I just keep trying to work them in when I’m feeling better than bad (if that makes any sense).

–lunaKM

So, this weekend we did a complete 180 degrees. Friday night we had a big discussion, got a lot out in the open and then just started fresh. Every day has gotten better. Sex is back on the hot and heavy radar. Our dynamic is getting back to normal.

I really can’t explain what happened. It just sort of blew over and that was it.

We went to a new munch group on Saturday; one that emphasizes the M/s and D/s relationship. It has protocol required and a dress code. It rocks, it really does. They have plans for a Master’s dinner every year and want to discuss protocol, structure and struggle of a 24/7 type relationship. I’m thrilled and want it to do well.

This Saturday Master is doing a flogging and Florentine flogging demo at the munch. He’s been working hard on learning the 6-point Florentine so that he has a bit more flare to the class. I think people will be interested. He is going to practice with me more this week to get his technique and aim down better.

So, that’s it from here. Things are remarkably better and I’m not wanting to jinx it. No-way.

–lunaKM

Is it any wonder why I’m depressed? Master and I are stubborn as mules when it comes to sex and because neither of us wants to do what the other wants we just aren’t having any. Sucks to be me.

I want intercourse. I want the intimacy that intercourse brings. Master wants a blow job. I find no real intimacy there, but that’s what he wants. Well, and that’s not 100% true. He wants me to volunteer to do something to please him without his asking. The only thing I can do is blow jobs and hand jobs. I’ve had headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups as I’ve talked about on here so those have been…. the last thing on my wish list right now.

And since I am physically incapable of being the active person in sex (me on top) that leaves us with nothing.

It’s hard today. I had hoped for some reconciliation and closeness again; starting with morning romp in bed. He declined me. So my mind jumped to the most irrational thing. That he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore. You don’t need to be attracted to someone to want a blow job from them after all. Or that’s where my mind is.

So I put clothes on and am not shaving until tonight. The things that would normally indicate that I feel confident in my sexuality I just don’t feel like showing off. I’m hiding. It’s a sense of security and childishness I guess.

I’m falling apart inside. I’ve already started worrying about my inner voice struggles and those moments where submission isn’t as important to me as I should be. These things I’ve already talked about and they bothered Master immensely. Now I’m questioning my ability to be sexually attractive to him. Can a girl feel any more worthless and still hold it together?

I’m not pleasing him submissively, nor am I satisfying him sexually. What the hell is wrong with me?

–lunaKM

I missed my required post yesterday and Master is gracious enough to allow me time today to make up for that.

The last post really brought in a dark cloud for Master. He’s troubled that I will be stuck in this rut for awhile and it will affect all aspects of our relationship. Personally I think he’s taking it a bit further than I consider it to be, as I saw it was a personal inner struggle that while it has a few visible repercussions it mostly is my issue.

As so many of you noted, having cold feet is normal and to be fearful that one marriage will be like another is also typical. I am certain that I’ll get through those feelings soon enough. I love Master deeply and am sure that I will see that the same things that failed in my previous marriage can’t happen here. We are far more communicative and compatible.

We go to a new munch group this weekend. This one is M/s related and will have group protocol for the meetings as well as a dress code. I’m really looking forward to it! The leader’s intentions is to someday become a MAsT chapter. It could even be that this bit of protocol will liven up our relationship and we’ll seek even more in our private life. I’m sure we’ll fit in here just fine.

–lunaKM

I’ve been fighting a lot with myself lately. I’m not feeding my submission and it has lead to me questioning my devotion to submission and to my Master. Recently I have not felt the same joy at maintaining the house as I used to, to caring for his needs and feel a sense of sadness when the feelings well up inside. I’ve even gone as far as thinking horrible thoughts about disobedience and refusal to obey.

It’s disgusting to me that I have let myself get so far off the path that I have loved for so long. My growth and the closeness at which Master and I love and live feels forced. This has nothing to do with the love I feel for him; which grows daily, but for my own position in life. I’m struggling.

The other day Master brought to my attention that I’ve been off balance since the fuckmeat moment of a few weeks ago. I’ve been growing more distant since then. I have to admit to myself that I am still struggling with my feelings of that night. These thoughts may very well be what has caused me such strife lately.

I’ve grown selfish, very selfish in my desires and have no fear in expressing them and forcing them on Master. He has rightfully put me in my place a number of times and yet all I can think about is what he is denying me. I need for nothing and yet I am getting greedy with my wants. I have yet to fulfill all of his wants and needs so why I think mine are suddenly above his alarms me.

The past 5 days I’ve had intense headaches and carpal tunnel flare ups for twice as long. Yet these things are getting in the way of my service and irking me to no end. I truly feel sorry for having these physical issues, but am I really ready to serve him once I am well?

I need to find that joy I have had in the past, the progress of my submission restarted and a positive light on my life. I will look further inward to spark my desires once more.

In the meantime, we will be married in a couple months time and I’m getting nervous. I fear that our lives will suddenly shift or something will happen to make marriage a bad decision. Now I know these feelings are all based on my past experience and this relationship is far different than my first. I want to marry Master with my whole being, yet I am waking in fear of becoming his wife. He won’t change how he treats me, so why does the word ‘wife’ bring such dread to me? Slut, I adore, baby, even more. But wife…. that is a word that scares me.

What happens when I become his wife? Will I be expected to be anything more than I am? Why do I suddenly feel a weight of additional responsibility on me? Could this be the reason for my submissive struggles right now?

How am I to reconcile what I already know to be true? Becoming his wife will not change me anymore than in name.  I look forward to the commitment we will make to one another as something just as sacred as the collar I wear.

–lunaKM

I woke up today with a headache. I hate days like that. Headaches that start out in the morning tend to stick around all day long and this has proven to be true with this one. I’ve done my best to work hard anyway and I did get a post written for Submissive Guide. Anything really didn’t happen.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I did the dishes and washed a load of laundry. I played a lot of Pokemon White today to try to just chill. I took a nap as well.  Is that a full day to you? No? I didn’t think so.

I feel bad that I’m not working hard and yet I’m not feeling well at all.

Master woke up in a grumpy mood and warned me about it from the get go. We stayed on our own sides of the apartment for most of the day. With me not feeling well and him being grumpy I just knew we’d be arguing by the end of the day.

You know, the amount of protocol and rules we have everyday and I wonder what we’ll be adding next. The office permission rule works great and I rarely forget to do it. So, next is what? I love that we are getting more and more into a strict home. Doesn’t sound like fun to most but I think I would enjoy it. Perhaps I should make sure to do better with my makeup and hair routine? That could begin the way for a dress code, perhaps?

Oh and did I already say that I’ve played a lot of Pokemon? I’m addicted. If you also play Pokemon White/Black I’d love your friend code! I’ve never done the battles over wi-fi but I’m sure I’ll want to try and I’m definitely in the market for trading.

I’ve been working from a new location recently and I think I’ve found a way to get some work done and not have to go somewhere else to get it done. I set up the folding table in the kitchen and have been working from there the past few days. It’s been nice (not perfect) and getting more done. Hopefully it will stay that way.

Not that I don’t enjoy being  out and about, but I know Master wishes I were home more often.

Other than that I have nothing else going on.

–lunaKM

Steak and BJ day today… at least he got the BJ! I’m feeling so in love with him right now. And I’m lusting too. Too bad PMS is biting me hard. It’s always the case. Sex today was hot though, really hot. I’ve been having some really sexy dreams lately. It’s been a long long time since I did that. I’ve not had a lusty stirring in awhile. I think Master’s going to be a lucky man quite a bit during my period.

My wrists are a bit better today and I was able to get some writing done. There’s a decent series of posts I’m putting together in April for Submissive Guide. It’s about 7 posts long so far.

I’m planning a lot of things this month. I’ll be presenting a topic at a dinner and discussion group on Saturday about talking to vanilla people about BDSM. Then on the 31st I’m doing a EdenBlogger’s meeting on blog inspiration and topic idea generation.

Then in April I’m helping Master with a flogging demo, where he’ll show Florentine and he also learned a 6-point Florentine recently. He’s great with mechanics and skill, just scared with the public speaking.

Then in May I’m doing a class at an event locally. I’m getting out there to see if I’d be good as an educator. I think I could be a good presenter. We’ll see.

–lunaKM

The past few days I’ve been really at a loss for what to talk about here. It’s easy to come up with things to say when activities happen, but when it’s a quiet week? Not much.

My carpal tunnel has flared up and I’m spending less time in front of the keyboard to try and get it to calm down a bit. I’ve always got so much writing to do that I forget to take it easy most of the time. So, when my wrists flare I’m forced to suffer or step back. Master is really good at giving me a break when I’m hurting like this and I’m very grateful for that.

We went out and bought the new Pokemon games (Black and White). I’ve never played but Master assured me that I’d enjoy it. I am so far; he’s looking forward to when we can fight against each other. I’ve got aways before I catch up to his level though. Before now he and I have never really agreed on any multiplayer games that both of us would like. I’m more of a spectator when it comes to gaming. I love to watch people play but when it comes time for me to give it a try I tend to be rather picky about the types of games I like.

Moving on, the wedding day is getting closer. We need to figure out where we are going out for dinner afterwards so that we will know how many people we can afford to invite. There are other plans that I’m hoping to finalize this month/early next month as well. Things are still so up in the air yet. It’s frustrating.

I guess it’s back to Pokemon and a casual Saturday at home.

–lunaKM

I’ve been watching MASH, as I’ve mentioned before and I appear to be tearing up more frequently than I usually do. I blame it completely on PMS but it’s also just making me emotional overall.

Master tried to treat me special and gave me the chance to pick up a new game for my DS. I looked at many but none of them really jumped at me. I know he wants to get me something and put me first for attention. I guess I just have an issue accepting this kind of special treatment.

Blah.

–lunaKM

I’m not feeling so hot emotionally today. I really can’t explain it. And it’s likely a combination of a ton of things. Which leaves me with very little to talk about today.

We go to a munch tomorrow. There will be an interrogation presentation. I think it will be very interesting.

I’m going to be a presenter at the annual event they hold in May. I’ll be talking about pain processing during play. I get to do some extra research and put together a 90 min talk. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time.

There’s a new group forming locally that will have higher protocol at events and a dress code. I asked Master if we could go and it looks like he has tentatively said yes for at least one. We’ll be going to the thrift stores to find him some business casual dress and I need to see if I have anything that fits that will work.  The group will focus more on the relationship dynamics and mental discussions rather than play.

–lunaKM

March is question and answer month again. Of course you’re welcome to ask questions any time but as it’s been a tradition all over the blogosphere the last few years here goes again.

Does anyone have any questions for lunaKM or KnyghtMare?

If you have any questions or curiosities, leave a comment or send an email.