My bruises are still quite vivid from this weekend’s play. (Photos have been uploaded to the previous post if you are interested.) Master loves looking at them and I admit a small part of me loves that too. I did have a hard fall from play and the past couple days I’ve been really stuck in emotional and mental questioning.
And it’s so textbook! I’m questioning why I should enjoy Master caning my breasts if he loves me. Why would he enjoy beating my breasts if he loves me? It’s all stuck on the love thing and even though I know deep down inside that we do these things because we love each other it still isn’t registering with my questioning brain right now.
I think part of why I’m having such a hard time is that this last session was all about pain. There was no pleasure in the pain, just straight taking it, trying hard to process it and failing. I never got to the god that feels good sort of pain. Now the vampire gloved spanking, that was oh so yummy kind of pain. I was asking him for more and everything! The tit caning, not so much.
It hurt, it made me cry and it made my struggle to keep myself together and try desperately to enjoy myself. Now, I know that I did, because afterwards I felt good about what I had accomplished but I know it sure took a lot of strength out of me.
I’ve been dealing today with some stomach issues, and I don’t know if it’s related to my sub drop trouble. Master asked me when I was laying down if I was stressed or had a bout of anxiety or something. Neither of those felt like they were the answer, but I couldn’t say with certainty that it was just a stomach thing, ya know?
Tied to a hard, straight-backed chair Master caned, slapped, rubber flogged my breasts. They are all purpley-red now. Lovely. He took pictures, but I don’t have them, maybe I’ll be adding them later. He wants me to upload them to FetLife, so I guess we’ll see.
Right Breast - Immediately After
Left Breast - Immediately After
Right Breast - Day After
Left Breast - Day After
This play time took a lot out of me. I’m exhausted, but happy. We are feeling so connected and everything is working well. Elopement is coming up soon too. Love is in the air!
He’s still twitching so we’ll be going at it again later
Master used the vampire gloves on my tonight during play. I’ve never been spanked with vampire gloves before and it was so hot! Master said he even brought blood dots to my skin. There was lots of spanking, paddling, fucking, hitachi awesomeness and (drool) slutty action.
I really don’t have the ability to put two words together right now but I have to get a post out tonight. I think it’s part of Master’s torture, he likes watching me fumble with words and the keys and normal function when I’ve been beat to fluff and had multiple orgasms. Silly luna.
Does anyone else really love music to fuck and play? I gave Master a really good blowjob because the music got me going. I know that I wouldn’t have given nearly as good of blowjob without the music. I played the Queen of the Damned soundtrack, mmm.
Okay, I’m out of words for the night.
Sometimes it’s worth waiting for a good thing. Master and I have been sick, I’ve been on my period and things have not been meshing well for us lately. And then today we have had some awesome hot sex. It’s the kind of sex that makes you exhausted and yet craving more.
I know that as I get better (I still have a nagging cough and we both aren’t sleeping well) we’ll be able to get some SM play in. We both need it. I’d like to have some marks. It’s been awhile since he’s been able to beat me that much to leave them. It’s mostly my fault too.
It’s becoming apparent that I don’t need SM as much as he does. I really thrive with the D/s and the humiliation and slutty play. I love spanking and flogging and what-not but I’m not craving it as much as I used to way back when and I can’t play to the level that he wants/needs to to feel satisfied.
I think he’s going to need to find a play partner, a masochist that can take a lot more mean then I can. He has a real pure sadistic streak in him that I can’t take right now. Which means he’ll need to start putting himself out there at play parties. We already have rules in place from the last time he had a play partner, and I had no issue with that. I don’t feel jealousy as far as SM is concerned. He can go beat on anyone he wants.
What I have requested and since we’re sexually monogamous it was easy to agree to.
- No sex; manual, oral or penetrative.
- No kissing.
- I’d like to be there if possible. I don’t have to participate, but I want to watch and feel the energy. (I’m also very proud of the way he plays and I love watching him.)
So that may come to pass in the near future. I’m not worried in the slightest that it will impact our relationship. He’ll feel fulfilled SM wise and I’ll fulfill his other needs. Not that he’ll stop beating me when he wants to.
If I can learn to accept more pain for him I’d gladly do it. I’ve considered pushing my boundaries and seeing how far I can go and still get enjoyment out of it. That also means staying out of subspace. Trust me, subspace is the worst place for a sub to go with a Sadist. They want the reaction and feed off of your energy. If you go limp and non-responsive the play does nothing for them. So we’ll have to figure out good ways to get me out of subspace if I reach it.
These are all things that will come to pass, sooner rather than later. I’m going to start thinking of what will go in a toy bag for him to play with others. Things that clean really well or are one-use items. I’m sure he’ll have input in that as well. What do you recommend in a play kit that meets these requirements?
doing absolutely nothing. Oh and why is it that when I’m sick I feel like I’m starving? I could eat non-stop if I didn’t have self control. I got up at 8am today thinking that I’d be able to get some thing done before Master got up. Instead I laid about hoping the cold meds I’m taking kicked in. They lift a bit of haze but not much.
After Master went to work in his office I fell back asleep for over an hour. The rest of the day I’ve spent answering the pile of subguide email I’ve had and watching tv. I’m so ready for another nap. And a huge amount of food. I wonder which will come first.
Oh wait, it’s meds time again, brb.
Yeah so I’m working on another article for FearlessPress and with me feeling sick I feel like I won’t do well. I have one week so I have time. 750 words is no issue. It’s just getting the right words on the digital page that’s going to take awhile.
With all this sick going around right now Master has been an angel as far as sexual desire. I know he has it, I know he’s sick too but that hasn’t stopped him in the past. I love him so much when he’s compassionate. He worries about me and we’ve got to get better so we can get on with the kinky sex. And I want to ramp it up with the SM too. I’m needing to do it.
You that feeling you get when you are so close to your dreams you can taste them? Well Master and I took another step forward in our business plans and Kinky-Blogging is almost ready for open sign ups. It’s exciting. I’m certain that once people know about it, they’ll move their kinky blogs to us. We are setting up with a payment processor for the upgrade packages people can get. Just a few more coding plugins and then it’s ready!
This blog will move to Kinky Blogging at some point (you won’t notice a change) and so will Submissive Guide. In fact Submissive Guide is next on the list once KB is open and running. I’m excited and thrilled because I’ll be able to offer even more to readers and the community will have more awesome features too.
On to personal things…
Master and I have not been sleeping well. It’s apparent that we are either getting sick again (ugh) or it’s just darned cold. I’d wager it’s the later. And Master has been plagued with headaches for awhile. Anyone else feeling the winter blahs big time? I just want the spring and summer sun to come through my windows again.
I’ve started doing the requested tasks that I mentioned a week ago. Master really likes me asking permission to enter his presence. We use it for his office only, as this creates a more special space for him. So, at the door I knock and ask if I can enter. He grants me permission and when I’m finished doing whatever it was I entered for I ask for permission to leave. He has said several times that he likes it. I’m sure we’ll continue with that.
It makes me feel good to know that he’s got some private space and that we have added a bit of protocol to our life. It’s so wonderful and is a start for some fantastic things to come.
You got me folks, I guess I never meant to delete my archives; I just wondered what the point of them was if no one read them. Heck, now that I know you guys read them I’m even more amazed.
Saturday Master and I went to a dinner and discussion with a play party afterwards. The discussion was great. We talked about the bad rap of bottoms (not that bottom). I wrote up a post for Submissive Guide to be posted later. There were 30 or so people there and I love being around that many in a community where I can be me. Master was his usual witty comments self and I think it’s adorable and awesome. It also means he getting more comfortable with this group. Always a plus.
The party afterwards was alright. There were like 4 kitties there! I’ve never seen so many giant balls of yarn, cat toys and kitty ears in one place! I gave Master a foot rub with some wonderful smelling lavendar vanilla lotion that I borrowed (thanks again, you know who you are!). Upstairs we spent a good deal of time once the play started where we chatted with the hosts and enjoyed just hanging out.
In the conversation there Master said I was a service submissive. I was like what? I am? really? no way. But to him I guess I am, to others I guess I am, I just don’t think I am myself. Guess it’s something I’ve learned but never accepted. Hmm. It probably goes along the same vein that I don’t think I’m that good of a submissive, but everyone who knows us sure thinks so.
I’m thinking we’ll have to pack a small play bag and just keep it in the car. Master might want to start playing at parties and he can’t do all his naughty things with just his hands (although they are quite capable). We’ll see if he warms up to the idea. Of playing that is.
The financial stress that we were under this week has lifted. It’s not completely gone, but we have some wiggle room now for awhile and that’s always a good thing.
Hopefully our moods will recover today and we’ll enjoy being close to one another again. It’s been awhile since we’ve been so connected and happy with each other.
But maybe it needs to start with me. I’ve felt so disconnected with my submission lately. I’ve been forgetting some simple behaviors that I actually asked for! He reminds me and I feel bad that I not only forgot but that he’s having to prompt me. He shouldn’t have to and it’s not really punishable since it’s something I asked for. Gah. I keep wanting to blame it on something else (hormones, stress, winter blahs) but it really is my fault.
At least the beginning to fixing any problem is to realize you have a problem. Now I just need to be more present in the moment and I think I’ll be able to pick up the behaviors again. Just to remind myself, these are the behaviors that I asked for:
- Present items with the following phrase, “Your ____ Master.”
- Ask to leave/enter Master’s presence. I’ve not done this one AT ALL.
Okay so on to this blog… I’ve removed all the tags, they were useless. I mean who is going to search for tags like period, pain, frustration, stress? Yeah, just not happening. I’m using categories and I guess I can be more specific in my categories. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is getting too unwieldy. It has 6 years of archives that no one will ever read. I don’t want to lose the archives but what good are they?
I’ve had a couple of suggestions to make my blog posts into a biography book. I dunno, that’s a lot of work. And would it really be worth reading? Other people’s lives are more interesting for sure. Meh.
When life is as stressful as it is for us right now, there’s no wonder that we are snapping at each other and looking depressed. At least it’s external stress and not relationship stress. Our relationship will weather this storm without much impact. And I know that Master will work to make sure the stress we are experiencing is unlikely to happen again.
I’ve not been feeling very submissive as a result of the dark mood I’m in and I’ve not been very active. I know Master is irked by it and I expect I’ll be getting in trouble soon for laziness. I either need to get in the grove again or face his anger. And I really don’t want to face his anger so I’ve got one path.
My ex husband contacted me the other day with a confession of sorts and he wanted my thoughts, opinion and validation(?) of it. I’m really not sure what I think yet but it’s caused me dreams, weird dreams. I’m not going to detail it since he shared it with me in confidence but it’s a life changing decision for him. I’m just a bit perplexed right now.