My bruises are still quite vivid from this weekend’s play. (Photos have been uploaded to the previous post if you are interested.) Master loves looking at them and I admit a small part of me loves that too. I did have a hard fall from play and the past couple days I’ve been really stuck in emotional and mental questioning.
And it’s so textbook! I’m questioning why I should enjoy Master caning my breasts if he loves me. Why would he enjoy beating my breasts if he loves me? It’s all stuck on the love thing and even though I know deep down inside that we do these things because we love each other it still isn’t registering with my questioning brain right now.
I think part of why I’m having such a hard time is that this last session was all about pain. There was no pleasure in the pain, just straight taking it, trying hard to process it and failing. I never got to the god that feels good sort of pain. Now the vampire gloved spanking, that was oh so yummy kind of pain. I was asking him for more and everything! The tit caning, not so much.
It hurt, it made me cry and it made my struggle to keep myself together and try desperately to enjoy myself. Now, I know that I did, because afterwards I felt good about what I had accomplished but I know it sure took a lot of strength out of me.
I’ve been dealing today with some stomach issues, and I don’t know if it’s related to my sub drop trouble. Master asked me when I was laying down if I was stressed or had a bout of anxiety or something. Neither of those felt like they were the answer, but I couldn’t say with certainty that it was just a stomach thing, ya know?