I feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night even though I went to bed at 9:30 and didn’t get up till 8 this morning. I’ve tried hard not to take a nap because I’m afraid I’ll not wake up.
It has helped a bit that the stress of this week is starting to lift, even if things aren’t perfect yet. We have a little bit of money coming in and more coming a bit later. I know that Master has plans to not let it happen again, but it’s going to take time to build up our savings. Our dreams will realize one day.
The BDSM panel discussion yesterday went really really well. While talking I realized that I have quite a structured life and that my behavior modifications bring me deeper into submission than I thought. Talking with my friends on the way home it turns out the way I think about submission and the methods that Master has taught me to understand myself are not very common. They were quite impressed with how I see my personal growth and would like for me to present on them at some point in the future at the local group. I’m still thinking about that, but I think I’d love it.
From a personal standpoint, when I first started my journey I was quite content to say that I submitted because I wanted to please my Master. Now, I consider that a knee-jerk reaction and not a good enough reason. Master has taught me that my desire to serve needs to be in the forefront before his pleasure because that way what I serve him is ultimately better and more fulfilling.
He’s lead me to a personal growth in my submission that I never thought I’d reach; something that I think very few submissives ever try to get to. So many that I know are happy to stay at the knee jerk submission and not reach within themselves to know more about what makes them happy to serve. I can say that through all my struggles, Master has been adamant about me learning why I struggle rather than just overcoming the obstacle.
It’s made me better that way. He has been the best thing to ever happen in my life because he has taught me to better myself from the inside out.
I love you Master.