Monthly Archives: March 2010

Admitting a Misstep

Posted on by
1

I’ve always thought that the example of a good submissive is one that can admit mistakes to their Dominant before the Dominant notices and accepts punishment. I told Master that I think I need a maintence spanking/punishment for being so lazy this week. The house is a mess and I’ve not accomplished nearly enough with my time. I feel bad about it but apparently not bad enough to fix it myself. So I told him about what I’ve been doing… or rather not doing. He agreed that now that it was brought to his attention that it was noticeable.  So, I have punishment coming.

I’m not looking forward to it, but I think it will help recenter me and remind me what I should be doing with my time. I know that the last time we readjusted my behavior I felt a lot better about my submission. So jogging my memory will work I’m sure.

I don’t always admit my mistakes. It’s scary to look at Master and say I messed up and I need to be corrected. Am I a good submissive? I have my days. Something must be right if Master wants to be with me forever.

I weighed in yesterday (357.4) and got a starting point reset for my continued effort with losing inches before dress shopping. Master has set an exercise routine of 6 days a week. We are doing about 20 mins a day this week. I might want to up it to 30 mins next week with a goal to maintain that for all of April. We both have a desire to feel healthier.

Anyone else having insanely beautiful weather? The weatherman predicts 80 degrees tomorrow. I can’t believe it. I might have to dig out my summer clothes for the BDSM panel tomorrow morning. The season has arrived!

–luna

Hrm.

Posted on by
Reply

My wedding obsession is getting really annoying. I feel so bad that Master is constantly telling me that he’s had enough for awhile. It’s all I talk about lately. I get like that; a sort of broken record for awhile. When the newness wears away I know it will stop, but when will that be?

I have a weight loss buddy; hi buddy! Hopefully we can work together to stay accountable and reach our mutual goals of looking good on our wedding day. I’ll be posting to SparkPeople about my diet stuff and only posting updates and success here so if you want to follow the rest of my diet journey you will have to go there.

Thursday morning we have to get up bright and early to do the BDSM presentation at the University. This will be the 9th semester I’ve orchestrated it. Hopefully I’ll remember everything I want to cover before we open it up to questions. I think I”ll want to write an outline so that we talk about everything I think is important for vanilla people to know about what it is that we do. Master will be on the panel as well as a F/m couple we know. Should be a good time.

I’ve not been feeling myself lately. I am finding it hard to focus on anything and my motivation to do my duties is waning. I’m thinking a maintenance spanking may be necessary soon to get me back on track. I’ll see how the next few days go and if I can’t get it going myself I’ll be asking for help from Master. I don’t want to fail him.

I’m having fun with my new make up and trying new things. I did a thick back eyeliner today and while I can see that I still need to practice with that I like the initial look. The mascara however sucks. It flaked off all day and caused a raccoon eye effect that I just hate. I don’t line my bottom lash line for that very reason. Ugh. I also thought I was setting the liner with some shadow and I think I just made it more of a mess because the first time I blinked I had a black halo of shadow above my crease. I guess I still have some learning to do.

–luna

Weight Loss Control

Posted on by
5

Master is taking over control of my exercise and diet again. He’s vowed to be really firm with  me. It’s because I’ve been driving him insane with whining about my lack of weight loss but not doing anything about it. So, he had me tell him my goals and now he’s whipping me into shape. I know by this time next week I’m going to be exhausted.

I go to the Dr next month on the 20th. I could potentially lose about 20 lbs by then. I could lose 30 lbs by the time I try dresses on in June. More than 50 by 1st fitting. Who knows where I could be on our wedding day. That’s being hopeful. I know Master is serious. I hope I can stay serious too.

It is my responsibility to work on my eating. I’m going to start using my food diary again. I will make sure that my portions will be smaller, my food choices will be smarter and I’ll have a set time at night to not eat anymore. Oh, and Master is insisting I drink the water I’m supposed to drink every single day. That, ladies and gents, is at least 100 oz daily. 150 would be better.

Guess that’s it.

–luna

Marketplace Service

Posted on by
2

I’ve been re-reading the Marketplace series. Reading it always makes me want to improve my submission for Master. He suggested I make a list of the things I’d like to work on. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Some of the things on the list will be better voice training, a couple basic positions and immediate correction/discipline for failure to behave. Yeah, I want to make it harder on myself. Am I insane?

These are all things that Master has mentioned he’d like to have. We hold a higher protocol at home anyway so intensifying it is an awesome idea. I’m nervous of course. It’s a new level in our relationship and one that means giving up another independent part of myself over to Master for his care.

We are also discussing yet again about my diet and health. I need to lose weight and my personal dedication to it just sucks. I fail. Master doesn’t like the idea of controlling this part of my life, so I’m not sure what we will be able to negotiate.

Quick bits of play should be a part of everyday I think. Perhaps it would help keep our D/s playtime more alive and well. Right now it gets stagnant to non-existent.

I don’t know why the Marketplace series stirs me so much. I know it’s fantasy. I know that trying to attain the same level of submission is rare or impossible.  Does anyone else have the same feeling? I know in my heart I could never be a slave like those in the books, but I know I could bring myself closer to the submission I can feel in me with some of the ideas in the books.

Do you have a book that you feel tug at your submissive heartstrings?

Blind Leading the Blind?

Posted on by
3

I got a comment on this blog the other day that was something I’ve covered here before, but since I’m feeling opinionated lately I’m going to talk about it again. The comment I got said something along the lines of, “Why are you teaching novice submissives, it’s like the blind leading the blind.”

I have raised that question to myself several times and here’s what I believe and why I think Submissive Guide is still growing. I am not a novice. Therefore, just like every other person that has life experience I feel I have something to talk about and share with those ‘younger’ than I am. I am constantly reading the misinformation on forums, the old websites that told you how to be submissive or talking in all these fantastical terms that no one can reach.  Submissive Guide is hopefully there to help weed out the crap and let people find the submission that fits them; not some silly mold that others are trying to push them into.

I know I’m not perfect, but seriously, who is? Have you ever seen a perfect submissive? Have you asked them if they are perfect? Even the ones who have been around longer than I have will say they are likely not perfect. I would not want a submissive who thinks they are perfect talking to me about anything. I want the submissives who struggle and learn, the ones who can say how they should be even if they aren’t attaining it. I want to read about the submissives who are clawing their way into their own submission and happy with their progress.

I don’t write about anything I don’t know about. I’ve admitted on Submissive Guide that sometimes I need to take my own advice but isn’t it that way in a lot of areas in life? Take dieting for example. Everyone knows what they SHOULD do, but not everyone follows through to actually doing it. Does that mean they can’t write about what they know to be true or worth trying for others?

I’m not trying to defend my right to write about things I feel impact novices. I’ve been there. I understand why I felt the way I did and I want to share that with others. That’s why I write Submissive Guide and that’s why I think it’s doing so well.

–luna

March Q & A

Posted on by
1

MrJ asks, “how to help a submissive to timely hand in written assignments, if punishment helps only to a limited extent and the underlying problem is the perception that they are additional obligations in a full life?”

Simply put MrJ, to get her to write and hand in assignments on time is to make sure that it’s a priority. You and she obviously see that her life is full of other obligations, but if you really want her to focus on the written assignments you will do your best to clear time for her to do them.

Establish priorities for your submissive and express just how important your tasks are to your continued relationship. When you see her, if the written task isn’t complete, then make that the time that she has to do it. She has to sacrifice seeing you to complete something you have assigned.

If you want her to reorganize her life to fit your assignments closer to the top of the list, then help her do it. If there are kids involved offer to babysit, if the extra obligations aren’t required, then ask her to remove one from her life until she can figure out how to work your requests into her full day.

It really boils down to how important she finds your tasks. If they aren’t important to her, she will fail to move them up in the priority list. Realize that perhaps written tasks aren’t helping your relationship and choose other tasks. Or if they truly are important to you and your relationship then you must find a way to help your submissive put them where they belong.

Could it be that her already full life doesn’t have room for the written assignments or is it that she just doesn’t want to do them so she finds them a chore? You really didn’t say. Get to the bottom of it first. If it’s her attitude toward the chore then you have work to do. If she really doesn’t have time to fulfill your wishes, does she have time to do anything else related to your tasks?

–luna

Love Declared

Posted on by
1

I took some time alone for me today. I asked Master last night if I could go to Panera (my alternate work environment) today and he said I could. This morning I was so very glad that I got to go. I think he was too. I was being moody, ignoring him and just on my own. Since I’ve been here I’ve felt more relaxed and I’ve been able to get a lot of things done that I know would have been a struggle at home.

This isn’t to say that Master and I are having problems, because we aren’t. Our love is so powerful that I still have moments where I can do nothing but blush and smile and think of how lucky I am to have him in my life. I couldn’t have asked for more. Planning a wedding that declares this love is turning out to be a challenge. He wants simple and I want a lot of symbolism. I’m driving him nuts with all the wedding TV I’m watching. I’m looking forward to booking the ceremony site and the photographer next month. Yay! Follow that up shortly with the reception location and the dress. It’s that close.

Last night I played a little role play with Master. He’s not really into role-play; it doesn’t do anything for him so I knew it had to be simple. He was a rockstar and I was his groupie. Pretty easy to get into really and I had a blast. Apparently his groupie is naughty in bed and loves to talk dirty *blush*

The past few months I’ve been considering the possibility that I might have PMS induced depression or PMDD. I’m going to talk to my Dr next month when I go in for thyroid bloodwork and renewal of meds. Master has said several times that he wishes I was on anti-depressants during my period so I have that to work with. PMS is coming and I really hate how I feel leading up to it and during that I’m certain that I’ll be pushing for answers at the Dr.

Master has applied for a job, in California. It makes me happy for him and nervous at the same time. Planning a wedding from a distance will be hell if it comes to that. If he gets the job, then that’s a step in the right direction for him. I want to support him, but I want the easy road, ya know? I’ll go where he leads, I’m just hesitant since the wedding is still so far off. I guess we could move it up right quick if necessary….

–luna

Bits

Posted on by
4

I come here without a lot to say recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I am happy with my submission right now or that things are just that perfect.

I guess neither really apply. I’m really knuckling down on housework this week. I feel bad that I’ve let it go. I need to correct it before Master does; that’s for sure.

Master has my learning to move my gag reflex. He found a how-to and I’m to try it for the next month and then we’ll test the results. Interested? http://www.ehow.com/how_2098053_control-gag-reflex.html

The Wedding Chapel called and confirmed that the date was still open, they allow secular music and discussed when we’d be in the area to visit. I’m excited about being able to cross that off the to do list in the next few weeks!

I’m going to start dress shopping in May. I asked my mom if she’d like to go along – she’s not had the chance to do it with me or my sister before. I think it will be special for her.

Dreams of losing some weight before I walk down the isle are still simmering. I exercised today which made me feel good. Now to keep that going I need to exercise tomorrow too.

Hey folks, it’s still March Question month, anyone interested in asking some questions? I’m digging for content, ask me anything!!

–luna

Anxiety

Posted on by
1

I’ve been an emotional mess this week.

Master, for his part, has been very understanding and patient with me. I’ve tried to handle it in silence, but I found that it just doesn’t work that way. He knew something was wrong and approached me about it at every turn.

I finally mourned being divorced. It sounds insane, really since it happened last year and we’ve been apart for so many years previous to that. Most women I’ve talked to treat getting divorced as a celebration. I constantly remind myself that I failed in my marriage. Marriage is a very big deal for me, sometimes I wonder if it’s more of a big deal than accepting Master’s collar. The weight of it just feels more intense. I know it sounds like I should have mourned my divorce before I accepted Master’s proposal, but I believe that it took his declaration of commitment in this way for me to realize that I am worth spending the rest of one’s life with.

I’m so afraid of failing this time around too. The anxiety of these fears had me crying and stressing in Master’s arms early in the week. He reassured me in that gentle way that only he can. He’s in it for the long haul and he wouldn’t have asked me if he wasn’t completely sure that I make him the happiest person he could ever be with. I think I’m ready to move into another level of my relationship with him and become his wife.

Then in a complete 180 degrees, I became obsessed with wedding planning. I’ve spent countless hours online looking at dresses, wedding communities, venue ideas, favors, and good lord knows what else. It’s all a blur now but I don’t see it ending any time soon. I watch the TLC shows about weddings and I get choked up when I watch them. I can just feel the love they must be feeling and I can’t wait for our day.

I’m stressing about my weight and the fact that finding a dress will probably be a challenge; while I am in love a few very pretty dresses online, the test will be when I try samples on. My first dress was a 24. I’m a 28/30 now. I’d love to get back down to that before trying on dresses but I have to face the fact that it probably won’t happen. I need to accept my body and make it the most beautiful thing he sees on our wedding day.

–luna

Fuckmeat Headspace

Posted on by
1

Yesterday Master declared a fuckmeat day. This means that he will use me whenever he feels like it, I’m not to make noise or look at him during sex. I’m pretty much his masturbatory tool. During this time I feel separate from my body. He is using me but my body doesn’t respond sexually other than the fact that I’m really wet.

After the first session I got really grumpy and practically banished him from my sight while I calmed down. The second time I got all weepy. The third time that day he declared that to be it for the day, he wanted me ‘back to normal’.

Back to normal and we haven’t had sex … yet. He wants me tonight. Oh yeah, he wants me.

–luna

Love, Laundry and a Little Chicken

Posted on by
Reply

I’m feeling good about myself today. I dressed and put on make up. I did my exercise and I’ve gotten all of today’s chores accomplished. Not bad, really.

Tomorrow is more of the same. I have a bit of SubmissiveGuide work to do in the afternoon but I’m sure that as long as I feel at peace with myself things will get done.

Master and I are happy. We say I love you more than we have in the past and I love just watching him. I can’t believe that we are going to plan forever in just a few months. Wedding day will be here before you know it and I’ll be recognized as his in the eyes of the law. A simple thing really but so worth it. And worth the wait too.

I have a wedding planning blog so that I don’t bombard this blog with ideas and planning… also so that our family and friends can watch our wedding come together. I’ll probably post the link to the blog once the countdown is less than a year. Right now it’s just occasional posts about ideas and thoughts… no real progress yet. Of course, if you want the link early you can email me and I’ll hand it out. Just please remember that it’s a vanilla blog :)

Master has been wonderfully dominant lately. He’s on my tail about all the little things and keeping me in line. I feel the purpose of my place and hope he continues being aware of what I’m doing and not allowing a slip.

Like wearing make up. Today he asked to see my face, he likes to approve or disapprove my make up. He also had my remove the pink chrome nail polish. He didn’t like it so I threw it away. I’ll have to repaint my nails tomorrow with something less flashy. And my mood about being feminine is shifting for the better. I’m dreaming of wearing skirts again, and I still have a skirt I need to finish sewing. (If you recall about 5 months ago I started making a reversible trapezoid wrap around skirt. I never finished it. All I have left is to sew on the sash and it’s done. I don’t know why I’m procrastinating. Then I can get permission to find some comfortable shoes to wear with my skirts and I’ll be all set. Girly girl me will be ready for Spring.

This week I’ll be using up the last of the laundry powder supplies I bought last February. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have the borax and washing soda yet, but I had to buy more bar soap to grate. I’ll be making a heap of it this week to replenish my stock.

Speaking of stock I have found THE best way to make stock. The crock pot. Oh I love it and don’t know why I didn’t think of it before now. Here’s how I do it.

Chicken Stock in the Crock Pot

  • 1 2-3 lb chicken carcass remnants
  • 2 carrots, broken in large pieces
  • 2 ribs celery, broken in large pieces
  • 1/2 onion, roughly chopped (you can have more, I don’t like onion much)
  • 2 whole cloves garlic
  • 6-8 whole peppercorns
  • salt to taste

Place all veggies in bottom of crock pot. Add chicken on top. Fill to top with filtered water (tap works if it tastes good). Toss in peppercorns and season with salt. Turn crock pot on low and cook for 18-24 hours. I tend to stir about half way through.

Strain, chill, skim the fat off the top once cold and use or freeze for later. I’ll never go back to stove top stock. This stuff rocks!

–luna

Abrupt Stop to Play

Posted on by
3

I’m still coming down so this post may be incomprehensible. Master and I just finished playing for the first time in awhile. It was a delicious time, it really was. At one point he asked me what I wanted while he leaned hard on my tied up titties. I hollered that I wanted this to stop. Well he took it the wrong way and stopped altogether. I crashed, I got really quiet. I got angry that he stopped and then realized it was my fault. The playtime we did have was fantastic and I could totally have some more soon.

Which leads me to realize that even though I can communicate pretty well, I don’t do it well enough that Master can understand my every meaning. He asked me why I hadn’t said yellow. I had to come clean and tell him that stopping completely wasn’t my intention. So, what could have ended in orgasms for both of us ended short. Hopefully we’ll pick it up soon because I don’t want to feel like this.

We need to exercise today sometime. I’m hoping that will pick up my mood a bit. I’ve set an insane goal to lose 12 inches in the waist by January of next year when I’d like to purchase my wedding dress. I’m going to have to really work as far as exercise goes. I’m going to start doing stomach toning too to help tighten and strengthen and lean up my stomach. I think I can do about 1 inch a month or so… what do you think? This would get me into a size 22 dress according to the chart for the dress I want. That would be awesome!

–luna

Question 1: Pain Conflict

Posted on by
2

trazure asked me: “How do you handle the conflict of needing and wanting pain when a Master wont give it because he’s fearful of his own reaction to the enjoyment of your hurt?”

trazure,

Just as submissives and bottoms have to come to terms with the idea of enjoying pain, Dominants and Tops have to realize that it’s okay to enjoy giving it. I’d recommend that the Dominant talk to a few more experienced Tops, perhaps join a group so that he can get some mentoring and advice to help with his own fears. You might also like to read ‘The Loving Dominant“. It talks about SM play and the thoughts from the Dominant perspective as well as the submissive side.

As far as you handling the conflict, there isn’t much you can do. You can ask if you can play with someone else at a party or invite a friend over to take care of your need. You can self inflict some pain to take the edge off. You can help him reach a place he’s comfortable and do a little bit of pain play at a time; a small spanking, just using nipple clamps, scratching, etc. Incorporate it into your lovemaking and he might respond a bit better to it.

Best of luck-

luna

___

This is a question for March Question Month. If you have a personal question to ask me, please head on over the that post and ask!

Question and Answer

Posted on by
1

Now that the ring is here I’m less worrisome and more hopeful. Last night wasn’t so good though. I had this overwhelming fear that this marriage would fail like my first one did; that I’d lose the best thing that has happened to me. It had me crying in his arms. He said he understood but I’m not sure he could.

We picked up the ring and my mood shifted drastically. I can’t stop making it twinkle, right now I’m wiggling my finger with extra keystrokes. It’s great fun. A more beautiful ring I’ve never seen.

Tonight Master and I had some wonderful post-period sex; it’s hard to describe the sex after not having any for almost 2 weeks (due to horrid PMS). Sooo good. How’s that? He’s feeling the itch to be mean and sadistic and I know that soon I’ll be on the receiving end. Yum.

___

This month is typically Question Month in blog world, and I’m not immune. If you have questions you’d like to ask me feel free! I’ll take anything you can throw at me.