After a week of illness all that I have left is a nagging cough and I still fatigue easily. I’m getting better though and that’s a good thing. Just in time for my period. Yup, isn’t it grand?
I have my work cut out for me as I reclaim the home and clean it up again. It’s gotten so messy since I got sick. I feel bad about it, but I know I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything.
Last night I had my chat night on Submissive Guide. It was a pretty good discussion and something came up that has been a recent pet peeve of mine that I’d like to talk about.
Since when did being in the D/s lifestyle mean that everything is harder or impossible? I’ve read numerous threads asking for advice on how to cope when your partner goes away on business, or how to be a mom/dad and a submissive, or what to do when you are sick. Is it really any different? Hell no! Sure you live your life differently but that doesn’t make coping with time apart any different than others, or raising children any more difficult or how to ‘tolerate’ being cared for when you are sick. It just irks me that people seem to over think too much and over complicate the simplest of things.
A D/s relationship is still a relationship. A parent is still a parent and being sick is still being sick. You can and do handle these things just fine before you put on the role you choose to wear, why would it be any different?
/vent
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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I think that subs/slaves tend to run into the “What do I do” scenario because they’re trying to balance two different roles at once. When you rely on someone to micromanage, or even just manage, your day for you, when that person is away (say on a business trip), suddenly you can feel like you don’t know what to do with yourself, because up until then you always had someone guiding you. You feel conflicted about doing certain activities because on the one hand you know what you need to do, but on the other hand, you’re a sub, so aren’t you supposed to ask?
Sure that makes sense, but isn’t there some hidden clause that says if the Dominant isn’t there to ask you should do what you feel s/he would like you to do? Meaning, carry on as normal?
I’m not saying that you do not have a right to rant, but I do think raising children while in this lifestyle *would* be harder, and that’s a huge reason I’d be weary to have children at all. If your kid walks in on you having sex with your partner, that probably will not scar them for life. Having them walk in to see you tied up, gagged and getting the shit beat out of you? Well, I can see why that would be a problem!
All of the parent couples I know don’t do BDSM stuff with the kids at home. That tends to prevent that very senario.
As a mother of three and a submissive, I do have to say that it could be scarring for a child to see some of the things my fiance and I do in the bedroom. Which is why we (and most BDSM couples with children) take precautions to avoid such incidents.
The vast majority of our “playtime” is when the children are in school. We also do some playtime when the children are asleep – but since I have a sleep-related disability, we don’t do that very often.
Occasionally a couple wants to have some playtime while the children are home and awake – this is EVERY couple, not just BDSM couples – and there are ways to do that as well. Those are the times when vanilla sex can be utilized. If we do any kind of play it is “soft” play, with a gag to minimize noise. And honestly, what do you think locks are for? I have no fear of my children being scarred for life, because I take steps to protect them from such sights.
Most good parents do.
i rarely post here luna we tend to have too many differences of opinions
but this posted grated on my nerves.
first off you have no kids so how dare you imply that’s its so easy raising kids in a d/s relationship. You try to explain to a cHILD how YOU let the word *master* slip from your mouth. or YOU try to explain to a child when they walk in on YOU and HIm doing bdsm things in the bedroom (EVERY child has walked in on parents at one time or another be it vanilla or BDSM)
and the separation part again luna stick to what you know. I have not been away from MY Master in years. We bath together shop together work together we LOVE being together and neither of us want or WISH for alone time. Many of us in these types of relationships do not go to panera bread for an afternoon alone, for we have NO alone time.
So if/when that time arrives that we will be apart, Yes I am worried. Our relationship is so intense, so unique, so us, that apart time, unlike you, worries us.
And being sick— you think. Try having MS luna. Try working everything around a chronic illness not a poor me boo hoo, I have a cold, or sore wrist or back. ASK SOMEONE with a chronic illness, there are alot of people in the lifestyle with chronic illnesses..ask them. How different it is from a vanilla one, how things are done differently.
Maybe luna if you focused more on your subsmission and less on what other people are doing then you wouldn’t experience the submission issues that you have, That you would understand that BDSM changes YOUR entire life and how you function, think, feel, believe, it makes you reassess your values, goals and opinions, that preparing a simple cup of coffee is no longer simple for YOUR Master has some ritual he wants to go with it. That getting dressed is no longer *go pick something to wear* but more of “what does master want me to wear today,”
True, real, out of the Bedroom BDSM changes YOUR entire life. Its a million times more difficult then a vanilla one for in a vanilla one you have to think about..YOU……. BDSM you should/are suppose to put YOUR Master first in everything He wants.
Sheesh, what bug crawled up your butt today starla? If we have too many differences in opinion why did you feel the need to attack me and my relationship and point out yet again that YOU are living with all these challenges that make submitting an art and you have an infallable relationship, hmm? Just go find another blog to read.
Actually, Starla, what Luna said was that D/s shouldn’t complicate raising children. That being in a D/s relationship doesn’t lessen or increase the emotions behind being away from your partner. That being in a D/s relationship doesn’t make being sick – with a cold OR a chronic illness – any better or worse than it would be were you ill in a vanilla relationship.
Maybe, Starla, if you read what people actually said rather than what you think they’re saying, and responded to that, rather than going off on a tangent and accusing people of being less than, you might not have so many problems with them after all. But I’m just spit-balling, here.
Rayne´s last blog ..But… but… I can’t sleep. ~pout~
Starla, I have never come across you before, but I find myself appalled by your attitude.
You are taking the “my submission is better than your submission” attitude which is repulsive in most BDSM circles. EVERYONE is unique, and thus every relationship is unique. That doesn’t mean that a struggling submissive is any better/worse than a “perfect” submissive….if there even is such a creature out there.
Face it – we are ALL struggling submissives. Some days the lifestyle comes easily, most days it doesn’t. Luna is no less a submissive than you are….in fact, I think she is more honest than most because she is willing to vocalize her issues. It makes her more real, and quite frankly she has made me MORE comfortable with my shortcomings than I ever have been before – because I now realize I am not the only one who struggles with these issues.
And yes, like several others subs who have responded to your comment, I am also a parent AND a submissive with multiple chronic medical conditions.
Starla, your comment, to me, comes across as really. . . well, centered on your own ego, and a need to defend yourself/your relationship. It also makes me think that you are letting yourself buy into ableist thinking, and allowing your disability to define- rather than be a part- or who you are, and that its conflict with your desire to be submissive for your Master makes you a martyr or worse- a super crip in Sub clothing.
Take a deep breath- just because people are doing it differently, and have vastly different needs and whose MASTERS have vastly different needs than your own, does not make them wrong. Nor are their differences a referendum on your own relationship.
As for comparing disabilities/illness: that is unacceptable in the disability community, just as comparing submissiveness is frowned on in the BDSM community.
Thing is, each person’s experience is as much as they’ve experienced, and so it can be hard on them even if it isn’t something that is hard on you, and vice versa. So while you may not experience the same level of distress as Luna at a cold, her experience is one of distress and has every right to be. The fact that your experience means you would not be as distressed is not relevant to her own experience of the same event.
okay, there are challenges in every relationship, but the world doesnt stop just because you are in a D/s relationship. And there is a reason that doors have LOCKS!! To keep kiddos out when playtime happens.
having kids is challenging. As for letting the word “Master” slip from your lips…so what, the kids will probably think that you are being sarcastic. Generally, by the time you have kids the relationship has developed beyond the “you will always call me Master” point, and actual slips will be few.
And yes i DO have kids.
aislinn´s last blog ..Victory!!
As someone who has children, a chronic illness and has never spent a moment apart from her owner besides the usual work day, I just wanted to say I completely agree with you, Luna.
Rayne´s last blog ..But… but… I can’t sleep. ~pout~
“…BDSM you should/are suppose to put YOUR Master first in everything He wants”
Is this for real? Just because that’s how YOUR relationship works, doesn’t mean everyone’s works that way. Nor does not make MINE less of one because it isn’t the same as yours.
My FIRST rule is that I need to take care of ME. Being someone’s property means that I need to sleep, feel good, have friends and things that fulfill me, hobbies, a job, and time to myself to recharge. If I can’t be a WHOLE person, I certainly cannot expend the energy on making Sir’s life easier, happier or even feeling loved. Neglect yourself, and you can’t take care of anyone else.
I also vehemently disagree that BDSM is a million times more difficult than any other relationship. In fact, in comparison, I find it easier because I don’t have to waste time with confusing roles, uncertainty of goals, or bothering to pretend to be something I’m not.
I agree with you Luna. BDSM starts with people. And people, no matter how much the books might disagree, really CAN’T hang by their wrists for 24 hours or kneel every second of the day in submission. Most dominants really DO need their submissives to take responsibility for “life”.
It’s about priorities and desires. While it’s easy to say to one these what should be your priorities. Sometimes a D/s relationship is created that can exclude a “normal life”. This is not to say that one cannot function in the real world but for some what they want their D/s to be to them is larger than every Sat after the kids go to bed. It does become consuming and exclusionary to all else. Is it wrong? Are we really to judge if that is what they want and they are not harming anyone? Not in the least, But this is NOT for everyone.
Think for a moment about a poly relationship, where there is a single home shared. A simple married couple has their own issues and having a third or more can make things even more complex. How do you explain to your kids why Mommy Daddy Auntie and Uncle sleep in the same bed? A simple lock on the door doesn’t hide this.
For me it comes down to priorities, while many feel happy with a relationship that is compatible to “normal” others need more. So they adjust their priorities. This is difficult, and not something to be taken lightly. I had a friend who had to wear a CB2000 for a week, during which he had to take a business trip by plane. While the CB2000 is plastic, it was locked with a brass lock. You can imagine what then happened. However this was acceptable for him (this was prior to 9/11)
Can it be more complicated? Yes… My wife and I are poly and we’ve had to discuss with my ex our lifestyle as my daughter going to my ex and asking why do daddy and his wife have a girlfriend. I spoke to my ex and various family members when a club I attended was raided. Name one vanilla relationship that has these conversations.
However, with this all being said, it comes to what do you want out of your life. BDSM or not or to what degree. I believe that as long as no harm is being done everything is equal. We all struggle with various aspects of a relationship and we really cannot judge another’s struggle as we don’t live their situation.
My wife is in chronic pain every day she takes numerous drugs simply to function and even still gets extreme migraines. I will often apologize when I get a headache or backache and complain. She told me, I know that I hurt more but it doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts for you. BDSM is defined differently in each of us.
For example, @aislinn spoke about a D/s relationship developing past the “always call me master” point. Why? What reason? That’s a personal definition not a global rule.
Even if BDSM stops at the bedroom door or when the kids are home… how do you explain cuts and bruises? My kid once saw my back after a signal tail session that had the marks brought out by flogging. Very pretty but traumatic for her.
What happens when your adult kid comes across your profile on Fet life?
What are the “vanilla” circumstances that would compare?
Luna,
I agree with silverdreams………
I thought I would just make one statement. When my Master is out of town, and that is quite often….about once a week; for a few days.
It is the time I use to get one-step-ahead.
To clean what I don’t do daily or weekly, to arrange things, to just get ahead of his wants.
I tend to look at what he might anticipate and have it done before he can request it.
I have children and he has children, we are not 24/7 but that does not change our dynamic. I have locks on my bedroom door, and he does as well.
Our children would never just try to enter as they have been taught to RESPECT privacy.
We don’t walk in on them, they don’t walk in on us. Knocking is the way to get into the room.
Luna, about you……..You are doing a wonderful job of bringing up issues that us submissives think about but never discuss openly. I love your blog, you are a REALIST………no sugar coating…..and I like that.
Keep up the good work, thank you for posting and sharing. I hope you feel better and get playtime before period time.
smiles…..Tom’s cunt
it comes down to living life, if that life includes children, you work around what life gives you…and my point was that there shouldnt need to be the worry about a slip of the tongue…in front of the kids, being a major issue. it’s something that you work on while they are young, kinda like using foul language. if it’s important to you, you find away to work it out.
Children and the lifestyle, can go together just fine…must extra precautions take place….well…duh, yes it does. But if it’s important…there are ways.
this is a lifestyle…life happnens…kids, family, work…and it all is hard. no lifestyle is easy.
aislinn´s last blog ..Victory!!