I feel ugly. I’ve felt unhappy with myself for several months. It’s been about that long since I got my eyebrows waxed. Something about that always makes me feel pretty. I have crappy makeup supplies and even worse talent in applying it.
I want to feel pretty again. Part of Master’s rules has always been to wear makeup, take care of my hair and remain hairless below my neck. I’ve really gone downhill in all of those things. It has to start somewhere but I think learning to apply makeup the way I want to look would be wonderful.
Tonight I’ve spent some time watching videos about makeup application and looking at cosmetics websites and dreaming up what I’d like to have. I have a few new pieces of makeup today and I’m going to practice my application skills so that I can hopefully perfect what I want to ultimately look like.
My experience with makeup application is my mother’s baby blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick. My best friend and I used to put on make up when we spent the night. She did really good but I can’t remember all the tricks we learned as children. I’m starting over from scratch. I want to learn how to do really neat eyeshadow techniques, wear eyeliner correctly and feel feminine again.
I have this huge pull to be feminine. I can’t explain it really. I want to wear dresses and skirts, although winters in Iowa is hardly the place for that. I want sexy clothing and I want to be someone that others look at and lust after. Sure I’m fat, but that is just one obstacle. Feeling beautiful will lead to being beautiful.
We’ll see what Master says about getting more makeup supplies.
I’d love your makeup tips if you have any.
I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about children on this blog, or the reason why I don’t have any. It’s not a secret. I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. When I was 8 years old I gave my sister all of my baby dolls. When mom asked why I had done that I stated matter of factly, “I don’t want to be a mommy.” Now I don’t know how Mom took that. I don’t know if she thought it reflected on how she mothered me and it doesn’t matter. My opinion has never changed. Even when I married children were never a thought. I’ve always been clear with my boyfriends that children were never going to happen with me so they had better know for sure what they want.
It’s not that I don’t like kids. I love kids. I just do NOT want the responsibility of raising kids. I don’t want them around all the time. I may not know what I want all the time, but I do know that kids are definitely not a part of it.
I use the excuse a lot of times that other people ‘like the Duggars’ have already hit the quota for kids and I’m not going to add to world overpopulation. I say that I’m afraid that the abuse I suffered will be repeated and I’ll become an abuser (it’s a real fear I have). A kid crying grates on my nerves so bad and if they scream and raise havoc I want to go over and shake them sometimes. It’s bad.
I do not spend more than a few hours alone around kids. It’s for their safety and my sanity. I’m fine with other people around, for some reason it’s manageable.
I can’t write about what it’s like to have kids or be submissive while being a parent. Does this make me any less of a submissive or a person? No. I know where my limits are and I do not assume to know what it’s like to be a parent submissive. Anyone who has asked for my advice I clearly state that I am not a mother and don’t really know what to do for them. This doesn’t change my opinion that being a parent doesn’t make being a submissive any more difficult. It just makes it different. You do things differently. You think differently. You behave differently. How you handle being different CAN make it difficult, but again this is not the same thing.
If you have additional questions about my choice for no children in my life I’d be happy to answer them.
I’ve written a new post over on SparkPeople.com. If you are following my diet efforts, come on over!
After a week of illness all that I have left is a nagging cough and I still fatigue easily. I’m getting better though and that’s a good thing. Just in time for my period. Yup, isn’t it grand?
I have my work cut out for me as I reclaim the home and clean it up again. It’s gotten so messy since I got sick. I feel bad about it, but I know I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything.
Last night I had my chat night on Submissive Guide. It was a pretty good discussion and something came up that has been a recent pet peeve of mine that I’d like to talk about.
Since when did being in the D/s lifestyle mean that everything is harder or impossible? I’ve read numerous threads asking for advice on how to cope when your partner goes away on business, or how to be a mom/dad and a submissive, or what to do when you are sick. Is it really any different? Hell no! Sure you live your life differently but that doesn’t make coping with time apart any different than others, or raising children any more difficult or how to ‘tolerate’ being cared for when you are sick. It just irks me that people seem to over think too much and over complicate the simplest of things.
A D/s relationship is still a relationship. A parent is still a parent and being sick is still being sick. You can and do handle these things just fine before you put on the role you choose to wear, why would it be any different?
Each day I feel a little bit better so that’s a good sign. I’m still sick and sleeping or resting constantly. I am, however, starting to feel pressure to do something. My pre-written posts for Subguide run out Wednesday. I have not been in the right mind to write well enough to produce what people are used to. Master tells me to rest, that I have a right to be sick and not work. He’s right of course. I need to allow my body to recover before I push myself too far.
I thought it was just a cold and for awhile, that’s really all it was. It’s more like severe cold I guess. I get worn out after only 20 mins of activity. Master has insisted I nap more often because I’m not sleeping well. Coughing wakes me up and I’m even waking up because I clear my throat in my sleep. It’s miserable. Master is sleeping on the couch because my snoring has been horrible. I miss having him in bed with me and I feel this illness has put a wall between us. I can’t wait till I’m well again.
If you haven’t noticed, this blog has been missing it’s regular posts. I’ve been sick. The lovely flu I’m sure. It started with a malaise and then body aches, headache and sore throat. Escalating to cold sweats, slight fever, coughing and dizziness. I’m back down now to occasional bouts of cold I can’t shake no matter what I wear or curl up into and a sore throat that hurts so bad it woke me up every time I swallowed in my sleep. Ugh.
It’s always a waiting game to see if Master gets it. The odds are stacked against him but we go into quarantine mode. My snoring has gotten really bad since being sick so Master has taken to sleeping on the futon. There has been no kissing and no sex. It’s all frustrating but necessary when he works from home.
So, I’m going to continue recovering. I should be back to normal soon.
Today I struggled with the simple fact that I’ve got no alone time. Master works from home so he’s always here and for the time being he doesn’t have an office to retreat to either. I was getting stir crazy and thinking to myself how wonderful it would be to have some alone time. My only alone time is when I go to Panera (which means I’m surrounded by lots of people) to get away from Master.
Which he isn’t my problem, it’s just that sometimes I want to be alone in the world, that being my home and since he has nowhere to go and no way to go anywhere anyhow I feel trapped at times. It hurts Master, I see it, when I ask to be left alone or to get out of the house because I can’t stand being there one minute more.
I have daydreams about that it would be like if Master had a job outside of the home, or even just an office where then the rest of the house would feel empty. I think I could get my fix then. I know he’s totally ready to have an office for the same reasons. We just have to wait till summer to make it happen.
I’ve been doing some more knitting. I started a dishcloth set I’m going to call Daisy I think. It will be this sunny yellow and white. I’m really liking the yellow color even if I would never use it myself. I’ve also looked up a few nice patterns for fingerless gloves/wrist warmers. Now that I can knit on double-pointed needles and in the round I think it’s time to give the warmers a shot. I’m tempted to make some that go over my carpal tunnel braces so that they aren’t so ugly. Ha! I got some interesting sock yarn from the clearance bin the last time I bought yarn. I’m looking forward to what it will look like all knitted into a fun pair of socks. Of course, if I don’t like them, they will be listed on Etsy. So those of you hoping to see hand-knit socks in my shop can start praying now that I don’t like them. *wink*
Tomorrow I have a mental list of things I need to try to do. I need to try to make bread, but if my wrists still hurt I’ll make biscuits instead. Then I reserved some meatloaf mix that I’m going to make homemade ravioli for freezing (see Alton Brown’s recipe). I’m hoping to make chicken and ravioli soup later this week. I’ve got carrots to peel and cut into sticks for snacking too. After that I just might work on a website or two.
Master and I have wanted to play for quite some time, but my mood never seems right. I’m working and hoping that it will snap into place soon.
I think part of it is that my thyroid meds just aren’t right yet. When I go get my blood tests next month I’m going to insist he up the dose even if my numbers are in the general range. I don’t think it’s MY range. Master also wants to buy stop snoring aids. He insists on trying the Breathe Right strips first which I swear won’t work since my snoring is in the throat. Those trays I’ve seen to pull your lower jaw forward a bit is what I’m betting my money on but they are $60. We’ll have to see how things go I guess.
Master has been working on my word use; especially the word ‘huh’. When I can’t hear him I have the habit of saying ‘huh?’ It drives him mad so he’s started to punish me when I say it. So far it’s happened the once, but I know that it’s going to be a long road before I get that worked out of my system.
Anyone want to guess how many times I’m going to get swatted on the ass with the dragon’s tongue before I learn my lesson? I’m getting it will be more than the 2 I earned tonight.
Some things are so hard to relearn or unlearn. The way I tell someone that I didn’t hear them or misunderstood has almost always been ‘huh?’. Well now it has to be, according to Master, “What did you say Master?” or “Pardon?”
We are going to a play party tomorrow. Master isn’t planning to play but I would really like to bring a small bag just in case the itch happens. I dunno, I just don’t like going to a party without the possibility of a tiny bit of play. It just seems wrong. I’m bringing The Motherlode bars with me so I’m sure I’ll be the light of the party.
Last week Master decided that in order to get the things he wants and to buffer our savings that he was going to work more hours. He works 12 hour days twice a week. This additional pay will be enough, hopefully, for us to move this summer. That would be so wonderful! He wants to get a 3 bedroom, or a 2 bedroom house with a finished basement. We are still looking to rent but my goodness it would be nice to finally give Master the office he so deserves.
I got a lot done today. If you follow my twitter you know I used the 30 min timer method. I love using the timer method; I feel like I get a lot more done then. I may have to use it again tomorrow to complete the cleaning for the week and knuckle down with website work.
I’m feeling good about the direction of things lately. The home feels more at peace and Master appears happier now than he was. We are working through getting my sexual desire back and slowly that is happening. It’s a step by step process.
Part of what may be impacting our activities lately is my sleeping problems. Master started noticing last week that my memory wasn’t what it was and in fact I am not sleeping well because I always feel out of energy. I’ve increased my sleeping meds to try to counter the problem. By Monday we should notice changes if there are any to be had.
I listed a few things in my new Etsy shop. It currently has a few dishcloths in it. I’m sure I’ll be adding more as I make them. I’m planning on making more socks too as well as fingerless gloves and who knows what else. Knitting is all I have right now, but I have cross stitch I could do as well as embroidery. I’m loving crafting again.