What is weighing on your heart… right… now? – Submissive Journal Prompts
Nothing could be more fitting for this prompt to come up on the site now. I’ve had a lot on my heart lately.
With the holidays coming I have thought about my childhood best friend that parted ways with me this summer. I miss her terribly. I took the advice that my mother gave me and just sent her a Thanksgiving Day card. Yesterday, I got it back. She refused it. Thus, the door really is closed. My heart aches because I will never be able to talk to her again and the way it ended still rips me apart. I do hope that I can move on… and soon.
While that is important, it’s not nearly as important as what has happened yet again last night. Master and I had a very bad argument. It was almost relationship ending in its revelations. If you will recall back in February when I left work and Master decided that I was going to be his stay at home slut he gave me some ground rules and fierce consequences. He said that my only real rule was to listen and obey him.
I have failed miserably in that. My progress as the slut he wanted has not gotten any further; in fact it’s on tenderhooks if I can show him how important this is for me because right now he can’t see it. I’ve pushed him too far in my outright disobedience and uncaring nature that I’ve shown him. He has done nothing but show me he loves and cares for me and I have given him nothing in return.
I refuse his commands, I question his direction and I ignore his requests. I have not been submissive to him.
I threw silly and hurtful remarks at him. I told him I didn’t have enough rules and the ones I did have he wasn’t enforcing. In essence he wasn’t making me be submissive.
I’m a farce. I don’t have a natural submissive bone in my body. I thrive on structure and order and dominance. I love to feel that control over me. But last night Master made me realize that if I wasn’t capable of doing what he needed from me that we shouldn’t be together. No one wants to be in a relationship where you aren’t happy. We both have felt distant for quite some time.
He predicts that these new revelations will result in a week of good behavior and then I’ll fall into my old ways again. He’s ultimately predicting my demise.
I can’t let that happen. We both admit that we love one another more than anything on this Earth. For us, love just won’t be enough. I need to find the desire to worship and serve him as I should have. My love should feed that need. Why it hasn’t shown til now I can not say.
What I can say is that I must focus and show him just how important he is to me. I just can’t see myself with anyone else. He provides everything I could ever need. I really need to start doing the same.
Now, you may be saying that this can’t be. My relationship seems so perfect and wonderful. Well, it’s amazing what you can keep out of a blog. And heck, for the longest time I thought things were going fine myself. Until last night I thought I was progressing. Glaringly obvious now, I was not. I was hurting the one man who I want in my life forever.
I don’t know why I think rules will make me be submissive. He says that it’s not necessary for me to have rules any more really. As long as I remember that I am to listen and do what he says then all will be fine. I see it now why the rules are helpful in the beginning but aren’t needed once you know each other. I know what he wants from me. I could list it if required. I just haven’t done any of it.
If that means I’m not submissive, then fine. But I think it’s more that I’m selfish and controlling and rude. If I’m not willing to change these things then I really am not cut out for submission and I should really think what I want in this world. I know I can change though. I’ve done it since I’ve been with Master. I can continue to change.
He has my heart, he takes care of my needs and fulfills my desires. It’s about time I reciprocate and show him that the gem he holds will repay him.
Today was a new day. I pulled out the schedule I developed months ago and actually did it. I was there for Master when he needed me to. I realized just how easy it is to comply with his wishes if I didn’t listen to my old self. I hope it will continue. I need it to continue.
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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If I may offer a suggestion for the long term it would be quit trying to dissect submission and do what you did today as in “Just Do It”. I love your blog and your other sites. The only thing I notice is that you’re very good at talking about submission but by your own accounts not so good at just doing it.
I would like to also suggest that you think about trying weight watchers points or core and maybe the meetings would give you the extra incentive to eat better.
Good Luck in All your Endeavors
How better to understand why I feel the desire to submit than to research and analyze it. I’ve always been better at talking about something than doing it. It is in my nature. I’ve always been very open with the fact that I am not naturally submissive and in fact it is hard for me to sustain my mindset for longer than a week or so. I fear that a lot of what I resume doing after my focused effort is because of my upbringing and will be harder than normal to break and change.
I’m not naturally submissive either. I know I WANT to submit, but it’s not in my nature to submit. I have had to figure out why I really want to submit. I’m still working on that one. Master said once that he would only accept me into his life on my knees, however over these past several years, I’ve grown into his life and he loves me too much to let me go so that no longer holds. He’d keep me even if I stopped submitting which does NOTHING to help me stay in my submissive mind set. He’d prefer that I am in submission, but “prefer” isn’t as strong of a motivator as “unconditionally, you must submit to be in my life.”
One thing I would ask you to do for yourself is really try to seek and find what in you wants and desires to submit and why. that’s the question I have to ask myself constantly… I have to keep it in the forefront. The answer to that question for me is not “For my Master”.. I wish it could be, but my submission and desire to submit is wholly vested in me and he is a conduit through which that desire travels and is the vessel into which I place my submission, but he’s not the cause or the catalyst.
I wonder if similar is true for you?
Kitten´s last blog ..This Will End In Tears
I think I was two years ago where you kind of are now. For us, it was relationship ending… almost. We went to the brink of the end, sat down as individuals talking to one another without roles, figured out the problems, the triggers, and the whys, and then we gave ourselves another chance at being who we wanted to be to one another.
The work wasn’t all mine to do. He had to do some work, too. The work I had to do had nothing to do with Master. It had to do with my ideals, my head, my concepts of what my life should be by now. It was a lot of Me and not a lot of We. Deep down, I think I wanted him to leave because I could have persisted in my ridiculous holding pattern, but I had enough heart and sense to see how stupid that was and bring myself out of that. There was really no reason to end this nearly 8 years of Us.
Now we are almost 8 months into the new bliss. I’ve done a lot of changing and so much of it just came so easily, but it was so hard. Letting go, letting go, letting go, has become my mantra. Breathing through and letting go.
Good luck.
Kitten´s last blog ..This Will End In Tears
Kitten,
Thank you for giving me some hope that others too reach the brink and are able to be drawn back. I know that my love for Master is more powerful than any other feeling I have ever felt and I feel it tugging me in the right direction if I only listen to it. I should learn to let go and allow his strength to guide me.
Hello Luna,
I have been reading for about a year now, though I do not comment often. I just wanted to say thank you for writing not only about the good, but the bad. No relationship is perfect. I think that this is particularly true in D/s couples, where there are such specific expectations of behavior on both parts, that when they are not met, they hurt so much more. But love is enough to fight for, and you know that. I do not want to offer any advice; just support. Whatever happens will be exactly what was meant to. Good luck to you both.
Thank you Shii for coming to provide your support. It is well appreciated.
If submission is what you want to give, then why do you feel that you fight it so hard? Do you think you would be more consistently submissive to someone else? Do you feel that you’re lacking a certain amount of trust or faith in him being the Dominant that is causing you to rebel?
You ask some hard questions. Ones that I too have asked myself. I shall answer your questions in a post today. Thank you for being my internal voice when I can not hear it.
Maybe it’s not so much that you’re not submissive as it is that you are afraid of just letting go and trusting? Resistance is a way of acting out of fear… maybe what you need to be looking at is not so much how to be more submissive, but discovering what your fear of submission is and overcoming it. And this is something your Master should really help you with.
Good luck,
spirited
spirited´s last blog ..Slavery is Not About Pleasure
I tend to agree with spirited, I had that resistance game going on about 6 years ago, but I finally figured it out,that if I gave in to his needs, just let go and truly trusted him things would go better. Remember the D/s relationship is built on TRUST, with out that you have nothing.
They did, I have such a need for his control, and I trust whatever he does, says, its all in his court.
I reap the benefits daily because of it.
Think about it and soon you will be happy, reaping the rewards with your Master, man of your dreams!!!!!!!!
Happy Holidays Luna……..smiles… Tom’s cunt…..diana