In a continuation of my previous post, whippedblade asked some very deep questions that I thought I really should try to answer to better understand myself. For those of you who think I should stop analyzing submission and just do it… this IS how I follow through. Anyways, she asks:
If submission is what you want to give, then why do you feel that you fight it so hard? Do you think you would be more consistently submissive to someone else? Do you feel that you’re lacking a certain amount of trust or faith in him being the Dominant that is causing you to rebel?
I don’t believe that I would be more consistent with anyone else. I think that I would be the same in any relationship I fostered. The reason I think this is because how I’m behaving is exactly how I treated my ex-husband too. It could very well be one of the reasons we were both so very unhappy with each other. The reason I feel so attached to Master and in truth am so deep in love with him that I forget myself in my adoration is because I feel this sort of bond like nothing I’ve ever experienced. If I believed in true love, which I don’t, I would think he’s my perfect mate.
Now, I’m sure that would seem fantastical considering the current struggle, but the issue really is all mine. He made it very plain that the reason he can’t be how I want him to be is because I am not being who I need to be. And I know I’ve been the submissive for him in phases and spurts.
When I do submit I feel at peace. When I refuse him I feel at war with myself. So why do I fight against it so hard? I’m afraid of being hurt. Many of you know or have figured out that my childhood was far from sane. My father and mother, the two people that I respected and trusted to care for me failed to do so. I was hurt, abused and neglected. I felt obligated to care for my siblings when my parents failed to. I became a parent figure at 13. They let me down. I trusted them to make sure that my childhood was a childhood and not some mixed parenting and neglect. In that, I find it hard to trust others. If it is not done myself then I question whether or not it was done correctly or at all. I try hard to stay in control even though my inner self is begging me to become vulnerable and open to someone else.
This is the wall that Master fights with everyday. I trust him in my heart, but my head wants to keep control and for the most part I let it. Opening myself up to the submission I know that is in me is terrifying. I have to have faith in someone else, when all I’ve ever experienced is let downs.
I have let Master down numerous times just to protect my own self. What I need to do is show that I’m vulnerable and need his help. Shutting him out has really been the crux of it all.
And of course, now that Master and I have had some amazing sex (which was never lacking) I lost my train of thought. I may have to come back it .