Monthly Archives: December 2009

New Year

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This is the last day in a very crummy year. I hope to never have another year like this (I can hope). Today Master and I are sitting around watching a few marathons on TV. We don’t have anything planned. Maybe some board games later. My back is still killing me so I’m not sure energetic sex will work but I’m tempted to try.

I could say that I’m doing to do the whole lose weight and eat better thing. Who knows what goals I’m really going to set.

Master just ordered me to lay down for a nap, I guess I’ll be finishing this later.

–luna

Plans

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I woke up this morning with the whole plan of getting some more organization of the kitchen done so that I enter the New Year with a clean kitchen. I wanted to get a lot of the house cleaned in fact.

My cramps have settled into my lower back, which if you recall I’ve had problems with recently anyway. So I’ve felt so freaking bad all day. We got a little paycheck, and I did do some grocery shopping so at least I got that done. Other than that I’ve been knitting all day.

I’m working on a baby blanket for my sister’s baby due next month. I know I’ve said that before. I’ve added it to my projects on Ravelry.com. I’ll be taking a picture of it when it’s all done.  I’ve also got a few dishcloths made too. I’ve been pondering putting things like this up for sale. Master is a bit negative about it. I’ve thought about putting a lot of things up for sale and never gotten around to it. Remember my idea to have a kinky craft store? Yeah, never happened. I could just list these things on a simple website and see, who knows. I guess it all depends on how much knitting I plan to do.

I’ve added a new section to the blog here. It’s my Homecare Journal. It’s a start anyway. I’ve got my cleaning routines, some recipes and other tips. I’m hoping to keep everything I find as useful for my domestic growth will go there.

Master and I talked last night while I was relaxing before falling asleep. I asked him how I was doing since the blow up a few weeks ago. He said that I’ve done well. It’s good news for me. My domestics are getting better, my sexual service is going well and while sometimes I still look like I don’t want to do something he said I’m complaining less.

I’m digging out Miss Abernathy again. I know I keep saying it. I really am going to start doing the lessons again. I feel like it can help me now that I’m feeling better about myself.

I also have plans for eating right and exercising into the New Year. I’d like to lose over 50 lbs this year. I also need to revise my goals for next year and see how far I get with those as well.

–luna

Warmth This Christmas

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Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that today was everything you thought it could be.

Today has been so wonderful. It’s been full of quiet moments, good food and play.

This morning I got up and set to work on my first loaf of bread. It turned out pretty good for a first try. It was a little dry so I will compensate next time and remember the carry over cooking. Here’s what the loaf looked like right out of the oven.

The day was spent just watching tv and enjoying each others company. We had already opened presents so there wasn’t any of that today.

But tonight, oh tonight was fantastic. We got the hot wax pots out and Master dripped and coated and poured me into oblivion. It was so wonderful that I’m still floating because of it.I forgot how much I love wax play and being that it’s so messy I understand why we don’t pull it out very often, but OMG it was great.

We hadn’t played like this in months and it was wonderful. I hope we can do it again soon.

–luna

Molly Homemaker Dreams

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I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on things I want to learn to improve my tasks around the house. I’m going to venture into bread making hopefully for the first time tomorrow. I’ve already begun to make from scratch a few of the things we buy a lot of and hope to increase that. Some of the things I already make are:

  • flour tortillas – Homesick Texan has the recipe I use, I shallow fry mine instead of dry cook them. My grandma makes them that way and I love them
  • hot cocoa mix – I use Alton Brown’s recipe
  • taco seasoning – recipe I use from All Recipes. Make a large batch and store it in an airtight container for up to 3 months.
  • bread crumbs
  • egg noodles – I love this recipe. The noodles can be made ahead, dried and stored or frozen!

After the first of the year I hope to add to that list:

I’m also learning more with the knitting I’ve been doing. Right now I’ve reserved myself to dishcloths (or afghan squares) of different stitch patterns. Last night I learned faire isle knitting, which is one way to add colored patterns in knitting. I do hope to some day make mittens, sweaters, skirts, hats and definitely socks and slippers.

For all this I have a homecare journal that I’ve logged my chore lists in and such. It doesn’t really do any good for me sitting on the counter. I rarely refer to it. It just takes up space. Which is sad because it could be a huge encyclopedia of information. I think my main problem with it is that I’m much more into technology now and having it online or at least on the computer would be more useful for me than handwriting and printing off things I find online (usually my only source of information).

I’ve mentioned on twitter that I got Alton Brown’s Gear for the Kitchen from Master for Christmas this year. I’ve read through it and dreamed of what I want in my kitchen. He’s asked me numerous times if I’ve made a list yet and I haven’t. First it was because I wasn’t in the mood for a wish list, then when he made it clear that we’d start getting things from the list I’ve been unsure of exactly what I want. I mean I know of a few things, but it makes me nervous to know that Master wants to spend that much on outfitting my perfect kitchen. I’ve put up with some crap things just cause I haven’t had the money for the nicer things I want (like a KitchenAid). I think I might just have to sit down soon and make that list.

–luna

EDIT: I added links to the recipes I could find online.

A Year's Reflection: SubWise #5

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Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on? — SubmissiveGuide.com

I’m sure this question was aimed at me directly when I came up with it for this month’s SubWise. It’s not an easy question for me to answer and I guess I wanted others to answer it too so that I didn’t feel alone with my thoughts.

Looking back on the last year I can see I’ve actually gone downhill more often than I’ve progressed. I spent much of this last year grieving my step mother, the loss of a friendship and the loss of a job. None of these things I’m completely over. It sent me into a depression for which I was medicated for much of the year. There have been several large blow outs with Master and I. We are still holding firmly to one another, but the outlook has been bleak on occasion.

In February when I lost my job, Master took a step deeper with me and said that we would try out me being a full time stay at home submissive. It’s not been an easy adjustment and there are still times where I feel like I am not contributing and I’m more of a burden for Master than a blessing. I enjoy not having to work, but then again I think most people would.

I am capturing a desire to learn how to make more things from scratch, pick up some crafting and home care talents. I started recycling early in March and I’m going to learn breadmaking soon as well as pressure cooker canning this next summer.  I’ve always wanted to jar up my chicken and noodles and beef stew. We always have lots of leftovers from it and it would be so pretty to sit in the cupboard rather than the freezer.  The more I learn how to do at home, the more money I think I’ll be saving Master. That’s definitely a good thing.

I taught myself to knit and basic crochet so that I can make a few things we go through a lot of in this house. I’ve been reading up on knitting socks and hope to try my hand at that after I get the double pointed needles and some yarn suitable for it. I’m starting with tube socks since I am lost when I read about turning the heel and admit that I’m still a beginner when it comes to knitting so perhaps next year I can learn how to turn the heel.

My relationship with Master is more difficult to talk about. I know what he expects from me and most days I can find it in me to feel cheery about it. So much of what he expects isn’t difficult really. My attitude towards it has to change. This is something I picked up from reading The Surrendered Wife that I reviewed on SubmissiveGuide. It’s been helpful and from what I can tell so far I’m doing okay. I’ve added a hand written journal that has really helped me voice things that this blog just isn’t good for. AND the physical journal is completely private, Master doesn’t read it.

Our play time is practically non-existent since early this year. It’s mainly my fault. Either I’m not on the mood, I’m sick or hurting or I’m depressed.  I’m certain that as I improve my mood from this current fall out that the play will come back as well.

Needless to say this has been a difficult year.

–luna

Others Participating in SubWise #5

Bad Back

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I’m dealing with a back pain again. I don’t know what causes it other than my weight so I feel a bit bad about that. I spent all day today sitting on the sofa watching TV and knitting. Master has given me a few shallow back rubs and says that my hip area is slightly discolored where it really hurts. I dunno; I’m concerned but not enough yet to do anything other than take it easy. I’ve been knitting so much today that I’m almost half way done with the baby blanket I’m making for my soon to be born niece. She’s due in 3 weeks or so. I’m thinking I”ll be done with it in a week or so at this rate.

There’s nothing really excited going on.  We will hopefully be able to get into the whole play thing soon. Everytime our schedules free up we have something come up. I know this is just life and people say if it is important you’ll make time. *sigh* That’s just insane sometimes. Master really wants to tie up my tits and smack them around. I’m really looking for some control, that power exchange ya know?

I just need to get this back better so that we can do it.

Ya know, I feel bad that this blog is a whine and complaint zone all the time. We really do have wonderful times together. Our relationship is strong even during the really stressful times. I look at him and I just can’t help but feel overwhelmed with love and lust.

–luna

Closer to 30 than 20

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Master came to me with the realization that he is now closer to 30 than 20. He still is young to me. I’m practically proud that Master is so intelligent and mature for his age. Today is Master’s 2nd 25th birthday ;P He has to be more uncomfortable with age if he explains his age that way. I don’t know. He also once said that he and God have an agreement that he won’t age past a certain point…. coming from a man who doesn’t believe in God.

It’s always been a dream of mine to make Master’s birthday very memorable. Up to now I’ve been unsuccessful. Either my body betrays me and I spend it laying about to recover like this year or I’m so bratty and poor attitude that he doesn’t get what he wants just because I refuse.

Master slept in today and when he got up I enjoyed his company. This afternoon we went to get him a few new games for his birthday. I also made his cake. Double chocolate! Tonight should be good yet. He’s playing with his games right now while I prepare dinner.

Speaking of which I need to get back to it.

Happy Birthday Master. I love you.

Squeezing in a Post

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I left this post to the last minute before I’m supposed to be in bed; and I forgot the dishes too so I’m doing them in between thoughts.

I got quite a bit accomplished early on in the day, and then it went down hill from there. I blame Master. He gave me my Christmas present early (Prof. Layton and the Diabolical Box). I’ve been playing that and watching TV all night. Bad subbie!

The visit with my family went okay. I still took about 3 hours to decompress. It’s such a stressful time. I never know how it’s going to go. At least I got them to stop yelling at my nephew every time he moved. He’s 5, he’s allowed to be a kid at Aunt luna’s house for crying out loud. I put my foot down and let them know that at my house is my rules and if he runs around like the kid he is, that’s fine with me.

He got to sit next to me during dinner which he loved but his mom (my sister) was nervous about. I don’t have kids but I guess that means I don’t know how to handle them? Hm.

I got some lovely presents. Mom can still pick out clothing that I’d actually wear and they fit too, so that’s wonderful. Sister looks like she’s about ready to pop any day now with my new niece on the way in 3 weeks. My brother is majorly depressed and no one can see it. They just say he’s been acting weird. Well hell, he lost his job 2 weeks ago, is getting divorced and only gets to see his daughter once a month. I’d be depressed too.

So, um yeah. I gotta do better at the evening stuff getting done long before 5 mins before I go to bed. Off to finish the dishes folks.

–luna

I'm awake… mostly

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Yesterday I forgot to blog. It was a busy day and I was beat tired by 4pm, but I shoveled through it until 10pm. That’s when Master suggested bed and I was all for it.

I’m still not quite awake now, even though it’s almost 10am. Apparently my emotional and mental stresses are affecting my sleep patterns recently. I’m tempted to use a sleeping aid tonight if I feel just as tired in the afternoon that I did yesterday.

All in all, what I did get done yesterday was all domestic. I’m hoping that I will be sexually available for Master today; he’s been very patient with my fatigue but I doubt that will last. Since I don’t have a lot of chores to do today and plan to start them as soon as I’m done here I think I should be able to concentrate my energy on Master directly.

Tomorrow my family comes to visit for Christmas. I’m expecting  a hectic time. My sister is 8 months pregnant, my nephew is an angel but Mom and sister put him on a short leash and that annoys me. I’ve not seen or talked to my brother in years. It’s just going to be an odd day. Master wants to be excluded but unfortunately for him he can’t say he has to work. Poor guy, I feel for him.

I’ve been writing in my physical journal a bit lately. This is a book that even Master won’t read. I feel that I can let it all out there and it seems to do some good. You’d think that my blog offers me some of the same feelings, but really it’s more a voice to Master than it is a voice to myself. You can’t say things the same way to the one who owns you than you can to yourself. It just doesn’t work. He gave me the journal over  a year ago now, but there are only a handful of entries. I tend to use it when I’m really struggling as a way to keep comments and advice I don’t need from bugging me.

Speaking of bugging me I think I’m going to cut down on the amount of posts here about my weight loss struggles. There is only so much I can handle hearing about the best weight loss tricks. I’ve been fat since I was 12. Believe me, there is nothing you can suggest that I’ve not heard about. I’m firmly against gastric surgery (so against it I’d rather die fat than live off of pills all day because I can’t give my body what it needs.), I’m not going to spend money to do a program anywhere. I KNOW what I should be doing. It’s not an issue with not knowing.  Just like my submission, I’m at the ‘just do it’ phase.

That’s it, that’s all I got.

–luna

Why Do I Fight?

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In a continuation of my previous post, whippedblade asked some very deep questions that I thought I really should try to answer to better understand myself. For those of you who think I should stop analyzing submission and just do it… this IS how I follow through. Anyways, she asks:

If submission is what you want to give, then why do you feel that you fight it so hard? Do you think you would be more consistently submissive to someone else? Do you feel that you’re lacking a certain amount of trust or faith in him being the Dominant that is causing you to rebel?

I don’t believe that I would be more consistent with anyone else. I think that I would be the same in any relationship I fostered. The reason I think this is because how I’m behaving is exactly how I treated my ex-husband too. It could very well be one of the reasons we were both so very unhappy with each other. The reason I feel so attached to Master and in truth am so deep in love with him that I forget myself in my adoration is because I feel this sort of bond like nothing I’ve ever experienced. If I believed in true love, which I don’t, I would think he’s my perfect mate.

Now, I’m sure that would seem fantastical considering the current struggle, but the issue really is all mine. He made it very plain that the reason he can’t be how I want him to be is because I am not  being who I need to be. And I know I’ve been the submissive for him in phases and spurts.

When I do submit I feel at peace. When I refuse him I feel at war with myself. So why do I fight against it so hard? I’m afraid of being hurt. Many of you know or have figured out that my childhood was far from sane. My father and mother, the two people that I respected and trusted to care for me failed to do so. I was hurt, abused and neglected. I felt obligated to care for my siblings when my parents failed to. I became a parent figure at 13. They let me down. I trusted them to make sure that my childhood was a childhood and not some mixed parenting and neglect. In that, I find it hard to trust others. If it is not done myself then I question whether or not it was done correctly or at all. I try hard to stay in control even though my inner self is begging me to become vulnerable and open to someone else.

This is the wall that Master fights with everyday. I trust him in my heart, but my head wants to keep control and for the most part I let it. Opening myself up to the submission I know that is in me is terrifying. I have to have faith in someone else, when all I’ve ever experienced is let downs.

I have let Master down numerous times just to protect my own self. What I need to do is show that I’m vulnerable and need his help. Shutting him out has really been the crux of it all.

—–

And of course, now that Master and I have had some amazing sex (which was never lacking) I lost my train of thought. I may have to come back it .

–luna

Weighing On My Heart

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What is weighing on your heart… right… now? – Submissive Journal Prompts

Nothing could be more fitting for this prompt to come up on the site now. I’ve had a lot on my heart lately.

With the holidays coming I have thought about my childhood best friend that parted ways with me this summer. I miss her terribly. I took the advice that my mother gave me and just sent her a Thanksgiving Day card. Yesterday, I got it back. She refused it. Thus, the door really is closed. My heart aches because I will never be able to talk to her again and the way it ended still rips me apart. I do hope that I can move on… and soon.

While that is important, it’s not nearly as important as what has happened yet again last night. Master and I had a very bad argument. It was almost relationship ending in its revelations. If you will recall back in February when I left work and Master decided that I was going to be his stay at home slut he gave me some ground rules and fierce consequences.  He said that my only real rule was to listen and obey him.

I have failed miserably in that. My progress as the slut he wanted has not gotten any further; in fact it’s on tenderhooks if I can show him how important this is for me because right now he can’t see it. I’ve pushed him too far in my outright disobedience and uncaring nature that I’ve shown him. He has done nothing but show me he loves and cares for me and I have given him nothing in return.

I refuse his commands, I question his direction and I ignore his requests. I have not been submissive to him.

I threw silly and hurtful remarks at him. I told him I didn’t have enough rules and the ones I did have he wasn’t enforcing. In essence he wasn’t making me be submissive.

I’m a farce. I don’t have a natural submissive bone in my body. I thrive on structure and order and dominance. I love to feel that control over me. But last night Master made me realize that if I wasn’t capable of doing what he needed from me that we shouldn’t be together. No one wants to be in a relationship where you aren’t happy. We both have felt distant for quite some time.

He predicts that these new revelations will result in a week of good behavior and then I’ll fall into my old ways again. He’s ultimately predicting my demise.

I can’t let that happen. We both admit that we love one another more than anything on this Earth. For us, love just won’t be enough. I need to find the desire to worship and serve him as I should have. My love should feed that need. Why it hasn’t shown til now I can not say.

What I can say is that I must focus and show him just how important he is to me. I just can’t see myself with anyone else. He provides everything I could ever need. I really need to start doing the same.

Now, you may be saying that this can’t be. My relationship seems so perfect and wonderful. Well, it’s amazing what you can keep out of a blog. And heck, for the longest time I thought things were going fine myself. Until last night I thought I was progressing. Glaringly obvious now, I was not. I was hurting the one man who I want in my life forever.

I don’t know why I think rules will make me be submissive. He says that it’s not necessary for me to have rules any more really. As long as I remember that I am to listen and do what he says then all will be fine.  I see it now why the rules are helpful in the beginning but aren’t needed once you know each other. I know what he wants from me. I could list it if required. I just haven’t done any of it.

If that means I’m not submissive, then fine. But I think it’s more that I’m selfish and controlling and rude. If I’m not willing to change these things then I really am not cut out for submission and I should really think what I want in this world. I know I can change though. I’ve done it since I’ve been with Master. I can continue to change.

He has my heart, he takes care of my needs and fulfills my desires. It’s about time I reciprocate and show him that the gem he holds will repay him.

Today was a new day. I pulled out the schedule I developed months ago and actually did it. I was there for Master when he needed me to. I realized just how easy it is to comply with his wishes if I didn’t listen to my old self. I hope it will continue. I need it to continue.

–luna

Sit on Santa's Lap Contest on FetLife

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03xm28If you haven’t been to FetLife recently then you are missing the huge contest they are holding for the holidays. John Baku has gotten all of his advertisers together and they have donated over $25,000 in products for the contest.

All you have to do is go to Sit on Santa’s Lap and tell him what 3 things you want for Christmas from the really long list.

Then sit back and wait for the January 4th drawing.

I’ve got my vote in for the following 3 things:

So get your butt over there and warm Santa’s Lap!

–lunafet

So I Suck at Losing Weight

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If you’ve been wondering what has happened to my diet, I’m about to tell you.  I quit. The South Beach diet was killing my stomach. I dealt with severe pain almost everyday and couldn’t figure out any other reason than my diet.

But this also means I’ve not done anything healthy and I know how to do it so why haven’t I? Inspiration, desire and motivation. I’ve gained back the 5 lbs I lost dieting and I’m far more annoyed now than ever.

I hate exercise but I feel good when I’ve done it, so I really need to do it. It’s the results I need to keep a focus on not the work to get there.

Master is completely against organized diets anyhow (which makes sense) and said that I know how to eat right, so just do it. And he’s right. I can cook good food and eat healthy so I need to just do that.

So on to what I’m going to try (and hopefully not fail) to do next. I’ve been watching a few bloggers out there taking pictures of their meals and sharing them with people. I know that I always need accountability and perhaps taking pictures of my food and sharing them will provide the motivation I need to make sure the food I eat is healthy since I’ll be sharing it. Hmm? Maybe. I’ll ask Master today what he thinks.

I don’t know if I’d be using this blog to share the pictures though. Then again, this is my place… Hmm, I could exclude the category from the front page so that, unless you read my RSS, you won’t have to look at it all the time.

Part of me is saying that’s more work than it’s worth. I like to be lazy ya know. But then if I focus on the results and not the work; like with the exercise I should be rewarded, right?

–luna

Dehydrated Woes

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I’ve spent all of today recovering from dehydration. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way. For some reason I just stopped drinking the amount of water I was used to. Yesterday I started getting a headache and my mouth was dry. Then I got dizzy. I knew it had to be that.

I woke up this morning feeling just as icky. I took meds for my headache and started drinking water. I’ve been relaxing and drinking water all day. My headache is almost gone and Master is getting antsy for more play. I’m itching for it too so hopefully I’m well enough tomorrow.

I’m doing a lot of knitting this week and next for Christmas Presents. I’m making knit dishcloths for everyone in my family. I’m hoping for 5 per person…. I have 6 more to make to reach that goal. Should take me about 3-4 days yet. I know some people will be less than grateful but well… I don’t care. I’ve already planned that next year I’m making embroidered tea towel (3 per person) so I have to start those a bit sooner. I’m also considering working on a crocheted baby blanket for my sister (she’s due in January).

I’m also mentally putting together a list of things to help me be more economical; starting with the kitchen. One of my cooking idols is Alton Brown and well, he shows me how to make things that I would normally buy. Golly some of them look pretty easy so I’m going to do them. I think I’ll start with taco seasoning and chocolate syrup, hot cocoa mix and my egg noodles. Right now it’s just dreaming, but I do hope to have more homemade things. Master probably thinks I’m biting off more than I can chew. I’ll go slow and see how things go.

I’ve been reading on several blogs of people losing their jobs and this economy is eating people up. I’m so grateful that Master is still working, and working hard to provide for us at the level we currently enjoy.  I’m also happy that he’s taken on the finances and seems to want to tackle them head on instead of my habit to drag them along. He said we won’t be moving any time soon which is a bummer but that also means when we do we’ll have less debt. He said he wants to get me some things to make me happier here and make it better for our current lives. I don’t know what that will entail, but I’ll certainly wait and see.

I’ve been reading The Surrendered Wife and I have to say that I like what I’ve been reading so far. Submissives will certainly be able to pick up tips and self-help for their own development and growth. I look forward to writing the review for Submissive Guide later this month. Perhaps I should see what all the hub-bub is about it.

For me I’m picking up a lot of tips (including the finances stress that I handed off to Master earlier). I think this book might help me a lot more than others I’ve read specifically on submission. You never know!

–luna

Who's Got the Money?

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Today I handed over another bit of control to Master. I told him that I didn’t want to be in charge of the finances anymore. The stress that it was putting me under was not worth me enduring. I was thinking that Master would hesitate to do it since I’ve been in charge of the budget since he’s been here. I was wrong. He picked it up right away and redid my spreadsheet.

I’m nervous. This is a big thing for me. I’ve been in charge of the money since I left home at 18. I’ve never left it up to anyone else. I know Master can do it and will probably do it really well. He’s agreed to give me an allowance for the things I do and will make me happy. I just know that the stress of not knowing if we’ll pay the bills, or save the money we want for things we want, etc. I just don’t want that stress again.

On other fronts we’ve had so much awesome sex today. I’m sitting here right now with a sore pussy and an orgasm headache. It’s insanely good sex. Master wants to tie up my tits and really hurt them soon so he has been kind to them right now. I’m excited to think about our mojo coming back. With less stress on my shoulders I think I will be able to devote more time to pleasing Master.

At least that’s the plan.

–luna