I put up the Christmas tree yesterday. It’s been nearly 4 years (I think) since I last had any Christmas spirit or desire to decorate for Christmas. Part of my need is to display the ornaments that my stepmom made for me some years ago. I wanted to bring a bit of her into my home for the holidays, ya know? The other reason I think I have a bit of spirit is I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. Not just the faith you get from religion, but faith in myself and my future.
I grew up in an Open Bible home. We went to church at least twice a week and my dad was a deacon. I loved going to church and I felt at home within the religion and the teachings. It was a comfort for me when my family life starting going down hill. We stopped going to church when I was 14 but I continued reading the Bible, studying it and following the ‘read the Bible in one year’ plans. I toiled over Job a numerous times because I felt that I was too being tested. I carried my safety net with me til college.
Then, like I was shedding my winter coat I stopped. The reason I stopped was my attraction to men. I don’t think I noticed them before that. But I couldn’t keep my eyes off of them once in college. They filled my every lusty dream and my quiet time in the showers. I wanted men. And not just for sex. I wanted their company. I wanted to feel wanted, not just desired.
My faith got in the way too many times. I was courting online my now ex husband. I was thinking and talking about sex. I had to really wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t going to wait till I got married to have sex. I was going to be naughty and my thoughts were far from the simple fuck. They were elaborate ideas of what I wanted to try. I think that is why I started to question my beliefs. I couldn’t see anything wrong with wanting what I wanted.
I was kinky then too, but didn’t know what that was really. I knew I wanted to try bondage and blindfolds. I fantasized about having a couple of men at one time. I wanted to put foreign objects in my pussy no matter how big they were. I wanted anal sex and for men to cum on me. That was just a taste of what I wanted before I had even had sex. I was in sensory overload from the start.
So I embraced it and my Bible collected dust. My ex husband and I tried a lot of fun and kinky things. Things that have pushed me into the areas that I enjoy now. They were the stepping off point. So, were did my faith go?
It’s changed. It’s not completely gone. I’m more skeptical than I was. I question what I used to believe completely blind. There are things I am certain exist for me, and a few that I’m really hoping do. I believe there is a higher power or higher plane of existence. I believe that when we die we have a chance to reach that existence. I’m not sure that Jesus was the messiah, but I agree more that he was a prophet. Christmas to me isn’t a celebration of Jesus’ birth, but the spirit of joy and giving; of happiness and rebirth. Christmas heralds in a new year for me. It’s a time of reflection and introspection; of growth and learning.
I may not have religion, but I know that my faith is strong. I’m slowly adjusting to my new idea of personal religion.