November 2009

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Faith Based Thoughts

I put up the Christmas tree yesterday. It’s been nearly 4 years (I think) since I last had any Christmas spirit or desire to decorate for Christmas. Part of my need is to display the ornaments that my stepmom made for me some years ago. I wanted to bring a bit of her into my home for the holidays, ya know? The other reason I think I have a bit of spirit is I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. Not just the faith you get from religion, but faith in myself and my future.

I grew up in an Open Bible home. We went to church at least twice a week and my dad was a deacon. I loved going to church and I felt at home within the religion and the teachings. It was a comfort for me when my family life starting going down hill. We stopped going to church when I was 14 but I continued reading the Bible, studying it and following the ‘read the Bible in one year’ plans. I toiled over Job a numerous times because I felt that I was too being tested. I carried my safety net with me til college.

Then, like I was shedding my winter coat I stopped. The reason I stopped was my attraction to men. I don’t think I noticed them before that. But I couldn’t keep my eyes off of them once in college. They filled my every lusty dream and my quiet time in the showers. I wanted men. And not just for sex. I wanted their company. I wanted to feel wanted, not just desired.

My faith got in the way too many times. I was courting online my now ex husband. I was thinking and talking about sex. I had to really wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t going to wait till I got married to have sex. I was going to be naughty and my thoughts were far from the simple fuck. They were elaborate ideas of what I wanted to try. I think that is why I started to question my beliefs. I couldn’t see anything wrong with wanting what I wanted.

I was kinky then too, but didn’t know what that was really. I knew I wanted to try bondage and blindfolds. I fantasized about having a couple of men at one time. I wanted to put foreign objects in my pussy no matter how big they were. I wanted anal sex and for men to cum on me. That was just a taste of what I wanted before I had even had sex. I was in sensory overload from the start.

So I embraced it and my Bible collected dust. My ex husband and I tried a lot of fun and kinky things. Things that have pushed me into the areas that I enjoy now. They were the stepping off point. So, were did my faith go?

It’s changed. It’s not completely gone. I’m more skeptical than I was. I question what I used to believe completely blind. There are things I am certain exist for me, and a few that I’m really hoping do. I believe there is a higher power or higher plane of existence. I believe that when we die we have a chance to reach that existence. I’m not sure that Jesus was the messiah, but I agree more that he was a prophet. Christmas to me isn’t a celebration of Jesus’ birth, but the spirit of joy and giving; of happiness and rebirth. Christmas heralds in a new year for me. It’s a time of reflection and introspection; of growth and learning.

I may not have religion, but I know that my faith is strong. I’m slowly adjusting to my new idea of personal religion.


Bleak Friday

Master and I spend the day laying about. I’ve not felt well today; I blame it on my period which sometimes hits me with the worst body aches, headaches and dizziness all at once. I took a nap in the afternoon and while it helped my exhausted feeling, I had to resort to meds for the rest.

This evening we went out for Burger King and to walk the stores. There really wasn’t anything we needed or wanted but it was nice to get out. We walked around Best Buy and Master got a headphones set for the PS3 so that he could talk to people on the game he’s Beta testing. Then we went to Barnes and Noble, wandered there and then sat down for a bit at StarBucks. I had some hot chocolate.

On our way home we picked up a few things at Wal-mart. Master rubbed my back a bit as we walked. I loved it. It made me all mushy feeling inside. That sort of PDA is awesome. He’s banned me from kissing him on the lips in case my ill feeling is related to a flu rather than my period. :-(

We get to hang out with a friend of ours tomorrow evening. He’s been MIA for over 2 weeks now so it will be nice to see him (which means I need to clean the house tomorrow, body aches or not).  I miss having a girl friend to talk about things. I have been having some doom-filled dreams that I’m never going to find a friend that I can talk to and hang out with like I did with Liz. I sent her a Thanksgiving card. Just to let her know that I’m still here if she wants.

It’s not easy feeling so alone in this regard. I mean, Master and I are great friends and we do a lot of fun things together, but he will always be Master first, then friend. That’s how it is with us. I am reminded at how judgmental people are when I think about how hard it’s going to be to find friends ‘at my age’. Especially that don’t have kids or don’t have things to talk about other than their families.

I know Master tries to understand how I’m feeling.


I'm Thankful

ht6danaewhisperingI’m thankful. It’s been a hectic year, but there are things that I’m grateful in my life. I’m going to share some here.

I’m thankful …

Master’s ability to be so very patient with me when my mood is frazzled and my temper flares.

During these hard economic times I can stay at home and be the submissive Master wants.

My mother and I have rekindled a relationship on my terms and it’s working well.

The way that Master looks at me still sends shivers down my spine.

My step-mother’s love is still raining from above even though she is missed every day.

I had a best friend who stuck it out through thick and thin and was there for over 20 years. I miss her.

Master is just a boy trapped in an man’s body at times; it brings about joy and childish laughter.

Master is a man when it counts. He’s one of the most responsible 20-somethings I’ve met in a long time.

I’m able to develop my homemaking skills.

Pain meds when the pain in my wrists gets really bad.

People I’ve met through this blog and the friendships that have developed.

Master’s playful winks and kisses are still so cute!

Time and energy to write from my heart.

This Thanksgiving, like so many before we are spending alone at home. I’m hoping there will be time for cuddling and time spent together playing board games and watching movies.  I’m so thankful that Master and I love being around each other so much that it pains us to be apart.


Today I feel….

ht4danaewhisperingI woke up feeling a bit testy this morning and it hasn’t gotten any better throughout the course of the day. Master has given me some space and I’ve been keeping to myself so that I don’t get into trouble. It seems safer that way. I don’t have any reason to be grumpy other than my period coming so I think it was a good idea to just be on my own today.

Tomorrow, when Master’s paycheck clears the bank I’ll be able to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. I don’t know why I’m so antsy for it; it’s just the two of us so we won’t need a huge frozen bird, just some breasts. Something about this Thanksgiving feels off, but then again it hasn’t happened yet so maybe we can do something fun. I’d love to play board games and watch movies all day (other than the Macy’s Parade in the morning, but Master won’t even be up then). Last year I think we watched Lord of the Rings (all of it). The year before I know we watched Harry Potter 1,2 and 3. (Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out on DVD December 8th, and you can preorder from for 9.99! Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

I’ve been doing a lot of knitting lately, I want to give my mom and my sister some hand-knit dishcloths this year since they asked for nothing. I’ve got a pattern for some slippers too that I’m going to get yarn to make for myself and maybe Master if he’ll let me.  I’d like to also have a heavy shawl to wear when it’s chilly so that’s in the dreams too.

I weighed in today and am still maintaining that 5 lbs lost from the first week. I’ve essentially given up on South Beach strictly because it gave me severe stomach distress. I’ve resigned to watching the refined carbs and going with good carbs when I can and getting as many vegetables as possible. I’m terrible at exercise though and I’m sure that’s what’s keeping me at maintaining rather than losing.

Master said he needs to step up and micromanage a bit again so there is no doubt that I’ll be exercising again, even if it is on his schedule and not mine. I can feel myself pushing when he directs my actions, but I’m not outwardly expressing it; which is progress.

I’ve started reading The Surrendered Wife. One chapter in I see the me that was in my first marriage. I’m almost certain that I still have that part of myself and while I can’t say I will like the entire book, the first chapter seems promising… at least to have me reflecting on myself. I can try to keep you informed as I read it; or you can wait till I review it in December for

Master really is my best friend, you know. I love spending time with him and he’s great to talk to about anything. I don’t think I could have found a better man to love and devote my life to. I’m so thankful for him in my life.


Favorite Scene Memory holds a topic carnival every month on a different topic. This month I asked about favorite scene memories. (If you are interested in participating, head on over to this post and read all about it!)

So, what is my favorite scene memory?

My memory is never very good when I’m all floaty and feeling good, but one that I tend to think about frequently…

Master tied me to the bed, blindfolded, earplugs and gagged. He attached a vibrator to my clit with more rope and then he sat away from the bed and me. I was in silence and feeling really good. He’d come in off and on and mess with the vibrator, play with my breasts or flog me a bit. I don’t recall how long he did this, but I was sure it was hours while it was happening.

When I’m fantasizing about it, I usually embellish it with a position that makes sex accessible and I’m also his sex toy, he comes in and fucks me when he wants to, as well as torturing me. And that is my whole day. I’m just his toy (well I always am, but it’s emphasized in the fantasy). Delicious!

We haven’t played with total sensory immersion like that in a long long time.


The Weekend Is Here

Master and I really appreciate the comments on the last post. Master said that he knew he wasn’t alone but enjoyed the comments. This is a hard road when you decide to walk into the darkness and venture into the harder, fiercer, exciting play.

We will be exploring it some more for sure since it had such a wonderful effect on both of us. The primal desire was off the charts with me. Master knows that we can explore without being across the line into harm. The rough sex we explore is getting firmer and I’m feeling achy for days later.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had what others call a scene or play session. They are planned, but nothing happening yet. I’m looking forward to it. It’s not a deep craving yet but I know that it will get there soon.

Today I spent most of the day convalescing again. It turns out that our hunch was correct; the drivers chair in the car is pretty broken down and I have to have it propped up to be able to drive. Thursday evening we drove 1.5 hours to do a kinky crafts class and then 1.5 hours home. Once I got out of the car at home my back was killing me. We will be getting my chair replaced very soon so that I don’t have to endure that again.

This weekend I think Master and I will kick back and relax, maybe get some play in. He’s beta testing a game on PS3 and I’m knitting and coding a website so things are pretty solitary for us right now. Not that we have to be around each other all the time. Well, we are, but we aren’t.


The Monster

Yesterday afternoon Master took control and dragged me into the bedroom by my hair. He was very aggressive and didn’t take no for an answer. I was perplexed because all day we’d been having issues discussing the sex mood we have been experiencing. He had a dark look in his face as he forced his way on me. I was startled but once he started fucking me I was in it and enjoying it. He pulled my breasts, tugged my hair and scratched down my back. It was painful and exciting. It was everything I had been longing for.

He stopped to play with  my pussy, he was rough and hard, forcing 2, 3 then four fingers in. Pushing hard, so hard it stretched and ached. He tried to fuck me with his hand in there. It was painful and he moved on to fucking me again. His voice seemed filled with emotion and something darker.

He hovered over me and said, He was holding the monster back and that if he let it go he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control it. I wanted to see where he would take me. I knew I’d be afraid. I knew I would probably cry. I told him to let go.

It started. He pulled my hair really hard and wrenched my head back, he was fucking me so hard that I was bouncing on the bed. He turned my head and pressed it into the pillow, cutting off my oxygen. My suffocation phobia kicked in and I did start to cry; but I trust Master so I wasn’t afraid. He turned my head and started slapping me. It was shocking and with more force than I have had in awhile. He grabbed my throat, his voice still very thick with a darkness.

He called me a whore. I called him an asshole. I actually enjoyed egging him on. The pain I was enduring was really turning me on. Master continued to slap me, he was still really bruising me with his cock.

And then it stopped.

He reared up and said, this was wrong. His monster wanted to take over and he was afraid of it.

Later, he explained to me that he had hit a wall where he wanted to really hurt me and not care what I thought or how I felt. He didn’t want to cross that line and it scared him. He’s told me about a monster inside him that he’s not sure how to handle. I’m sure that if we work together we can face this.  I’m thankful he stopped, but I’m really hoping we get to do some sex like that again. It was scary. It was hot and it was fun. Until it ended.

Now, my whole blog is usually about my struggles with submission and life in general but here Master really was having an issue with his own sadism and emotions. I do hope that we can work through it. I wanted to share this because it is a perfect example of what a Dominant could go through during a scene and how it can go bad for them. It was enough to scare him.

I want to taste it again, hopefully we can keep the monster at bay… for now.


Weekend from Hell

This weekend was one that I’d like to forget. I was in such a horrible mood that it passed on to Master and we pretty much wanted to ignore each other all weekend. That didn’t help Master’s sexual frustration since he’s not likely to approach me at all when I look like I could bite his head off.

The hot sex that I’ve been fantasizing about and what he wants to make happen in some fashion has been put on hold. I know Master is frustrated. It’s been a whole 3 days since we’ve had sex all because of my crappy mood.

I know that he wanted to punish me or something but was at a loss as to what to do. I got depressed, really depressed and as he told me… yet again… that I was changing for the worse from what I used to be.

I’m not as affectionate as I used to be. I’m not as frisky. He said it was like my sexuality died. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel the same way. I’m off kilter.

I remember being very alluring and tempting when I was courting Master. I was voraciously horny all the time. I wanted to play kinky and be kinky at every turn, at every available moment. I want to be that woman again. I had a lot more fun when I was freer.

Maybe that’s one of my problems; maybe I’m restricting myself and not allowing myself to enjoy my sexuality.

Master told me this evening that he was watching me today to see how many times I returned affection when he gave it to me. Turns out about 25% I do. That’s horrible! What is wrong with me? I find Master to be so sexy and I can’t help myself but stare at him when I can. Why can’t I return affection like I used to?

I guess I have more questions than answers right now.

To compound things, my stomach has been doing a horrible number on me since last night. It hurts pretty badly. Master says it’s my diet. I haven’t been following it 100% so that’s what’s causing my pain. I’ll get it going on it now that I’m in phase 2. It will feel better that way.

I weighed in today. I stayed the same, so I maintained the loss from last week. I’m now in phase 2 of the diet and will be adding exercise into my routine. I hope to work up to 3 hours a week. Not sure where I’ll be starting but the 3 hour bar is relatively high for me right now.

So that’s about it.


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