My back is still giving me troubles. I’m convinced that it’s related to my weight now since I can’t figure out how I could have injured it. I’m taking OTC meds to help with the inflammation and pain so hopefully I’ll be able to do more of my normal routine here soon.
Master has let me off the hook with servicing him sexually since Monday. I really want to please him, yet another reason to get better faster. He’s only commented the once today that he has a lot of sexual frustration pent up.
I’m looking forward to starting my diet, even if it will be a shock to the system right away. I’ve been successful with it in previous attempts, even the short ones. I figure one of these times will be the charm and I’ll stick to it. I don’t doubt that everyone who has even a few pounds to lose feels that way. Master said that he’s glad I picked a diet because my constant complaining about my weight and subsequent depressive moods were driving him to mandate a diet. I think I would have really hated that. (Yet another reason I’d like this diet to work.)
Other things I’m looking forward to as I lose weight
- Healthy digestive system, right now my bowels are so messed up that I can’t remember the last time Master and I had anal sex.
- Being able to shave my coochie, the hair down there needs to go.
- My lingerie will fit again.
- Feeling good about myself when I go out.
- Not feeling like a whale when I lay down; actually not feeling like a whale at all would be good.
- The sweat/heat rash under my apron will go away.
- Sex will be more active and enjoyable for me.
Master found out that he has to work tomorrow which has him in a real stink right now. I’ve pestered him enough about it that I’m just going to try to do my own thing while he works tomorrow. Thankfully it won’t be an all day thing. I know he’s tired of the current project. I don’t know how much more he has to work on it before it’s done.
We’ve been watching a lot of our pre-recorded TV and videos. So much so I’m wondering why we have cable and if it’s time to downgrade. It’s not my choice but I know that when I don’t watch as much TV I get more done. I’m sure it’s like that for many people.
I’m not sleeping well and I’ve been running on empty. I hate feeling tired. Napping is heaven but I can’t do it too much or I’d never get up. I think changing my bed time would help but I don’t wanna (whine).
I guess that’s all for tonight.
I woke up with less pain in my hip today but my lower back pain reminding me that my period has started. It’s that just fantastic? Get rid of one pain to gain another? Ah well, today was my last day to convalesce and I did that as much as possible. I’ll be back to 100% tomorrow.
I got a bit of writing done for Submissive Guide and then spent the rest of the evening working out my meal plan for the induction phase of South Beach. I hope to have my meals planned for the 14 day phase by Friday so that when I do the grocery list I can make sure I get everything I need. I will also be cleaning out the pantry of ‘bad’ foods. Cleverly enough Master and I already have one shelf each. We also have a cooking needs shelf that really is no one’s per se. He can have anything on either shelf but I’m restricted to my shelf only. That way my safe foods are always easy to find.
I’m nervous but excited that this will work. I read the South Beach diet book again and was reminded that I could lose an average of 8-13 lbs in the first 2 weeks. That would be a wonderful thing since my first weight goal is 40 lbs it would put me almost half way there in 2 weeks. Last time I did phase 1 I lost 22 lbs. Imagine that.
So Master also helped me with an awesome idea to save my favorite recipes in pdf format and put them on my Sony Reader. This way I had them at hand instead of hunting them down on SparkPeople.com all the time. He’s so smart! I put them in a collection folder so they are all right there, titles have what phase I can have them too so as it grows I’ll know.
Tomorrow I have to go get my driver’s license renewed. It expired on my birthday and I’ve been waiting till my hip felt better to go, so that I wouldn’t have to explain a pain and possibly get sent to the Dr for a medical clearance note. They are that picky around here. This will be my first picture with a metal collar on.
I also have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow. The house has gone to hell with me unable to bend over and pick things up. I swear for just 2 of us, we are slobs sometimes. I will also be making a list for Christmas of what to make everyone. I found this wonderful howto on soap petals that I will definitely make for my female family members. I have dishcloths planned for every household as well. Dad might like a few homemade mixes if I can find the ones I have that are gluten free. (Kathy used to bake for him special, I’m sure he misses it.) I’ll keep my eye out for other handmade things I can whip up pretty easily.
I’m also planning on decorating for Christmas this year. I haven’t done that for 2 years. I just feel the need to get out the handmade items that Kathy has made me for Christmas… a full tree’s worth of handmade ornaments, tree skirt, place mats, napkins, and other treasures. It will feel like Christmas here even if we will probably spend it alone.
Last weekend Master and I went down to a Halloween party, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post. I now have pictures of the pumpkin I carved. The only kinky (but not the only perverted) one there!
I’m going to do low carb again. I felt healthier than I ever have on it. It’s going to be a drastic change for my current eating, but worth it. I’ll fix my stomach problems and hopefully start losing weight. The next time I go shopping it will be with South Beach meal plans. That also means cooking 2 meals each time again because Master can’t have a meal without carbs. (Mainly because he won’t eat a lot of veggies.)
My sparkpeople.com account has been neglected. That has to change. I have to make this a priority like I have being Master’s submissive. It has to be part of taking care of him by taking care of me.
I know he’ll appreciate the benefit of when I lose weight my snoring goes away. It’s hell for him right now. I don’t blame him when he gives up and sleeps on the futon in the living room. I feel bad, but I have to accept it also. He has to work. I can take naps if I don’t sleep well. Which I don’t. Snoring has that effect on me too.
Yes I could have sleep apnea. We still can’t afford the 3100 bill to get a sleep study done so that’s just on hold. I’m going to work harder on losing weight so hopefully I don’t have to have one. That’s the plan.
I’ve been miserable lately. Being fat is just crappy. Today I have a painful back so exercise had to be put on hold too. And I woke up wanting to exercise… that doesn’t happen everyday you know!
My period is coming so I’m more bloated than normal which has me feeling more icky. It’s just a ‘get me a new body’ type of day.
This weekend was nice. The Halloween party was great. We carved a pumpkin that had a ball gag in it’s mouth. And it was a hit! I’ll get a picture of it when I have one. We had a blast. Lunch with Mom was weird as usual. I swear I never knew how white trash my childhood was until I see it now. Good lord! I’m glad I’m not there now. I’d be embarrassed with myself.
The spanking did not happen…yet. Things came up and there just wasn’t the right mood or time. I’m sure I’ll get my birthday spanking with interest when we get the time to do it. Perhaps next weekend. I’ve been really really moody lately which helps explain why we didn’t do it too. A fun spanking isn’t fun when you are in trouble.
I’m being interviewed for Dungeonplace.com Podcast. I’ll post a link when it’s released. It’s exciting! I never really thought I’d be asked for an interview for anything.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m feeling old.
Master has purchased a steel locking collar and I now wear that instead of my jewelry one I’ve had for 2 years. It’s an interesting thing. Quite heavy. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.
He and I were very excited to get it. He’s not about ceremony really so off went the other and on went this one without much of a ‘you are mine’ comment.
I’m going to DSM tomorrow for a Halloween party! It’s been a very very long time since I’ve been to any kind of party. Hopefully I’ll meet some interesting people and have a great time. We’ll be carving pumpkins and talking about goodness knows what. The libations will be running free so who knows, right?!
Master commented last night how great our relationship feels right now, he feels more in control and I feel more controlled. It’s a feeling I hope we can maintain. I’m settling into a peace in my submission that while it still comes hard I am finding it best to reach for it than to not try at all.
I’ve been really bitchy lately and it’s attributed to my PMS so I can see Master’s patience is a bit higher than normal. I think this is the 4th year in a row that my period has come on or around my birthday. No sex for me!
Master worked really late into the night to meet a deadline so when I got up this morning it was to a day off! Master and I went out to search for my birthday present. My birthday is this Saturday and if you are interested, here’s my Amazon wish list! I had noticed a phone on sale that I wanted to see if we could upgrade our plan to get. Turns out we have another year before we can upgrade! Ugh. I will definitely pick an awesome phone in a year’s time. I think I just settled for a pretty phone this time and while I do like it… I really wanted a messaging phone with a full keyboard. Of course I’m also looking for more people to text and get to know through messaging so if you’re game, send me your number and name you’d like to be known as. If I don’t recognize you from the blog it might be hard to get a message from me though. We’ll see.
Then we went to look at video games. I saw a few that might be interesting to have for the DS, but then I realized I had 3 games at home that I haven’t played yet. So, I vetoed that idea.
Master suggested jewelry and while I love jewelry I don’t wear the pieces I have now very often so I couldn’t see spending money on another piece right now.
That left us back at square one as far as a birthday present. We got hot beverages at Starbucks and then walked around Target. I found a purse to replace the one I had last year that is wearing out. We got a few other things that were on the grocery list for things we needed. Other than that I was at a loss of what I wanted.
On the way out to the car Master suggested we look for the collar that Master wants me to have now that we have more income he feels we can afford it. It’s an excellent idea and will be looking for one this weekend! Master wants a locking/allen key type but not the plain steel ring. He’s wanted some embossing on the ring. I know of only one place that I’ve seen this type of collar. Chaotic Creations. Does anyone have any experience with them?
Master and I are doing wonderfully. We feel so harmonious and working so well together. I’ve not been disobedient or forgetful and Master has been strict and comfortable in his control over me. I am happy to say that my efforts are paying off for me and Master is pleased as well. It just goes to show that good things have to be worked on but they are so worth it!
I got up this morning with a goal to get my housework done completely so that I could spend the afternoon doing website work. After fighting with the printer for almost an hour and finding out that the drivers need to be completely uninstalled and reinstalled (and I don’t have the disk) I gave up.
Which left me cranky when I woke Master. Not a good start to my morning. I did however, get all of my cleaning done and felt good to see the bathroom sparkle. It hasn’t been that clean in a few weeks. I feel bad of course, that I’m not accomplishing all that I promised when I started the stay at home gig. I’ve never been that great with domestic chores and while I can do them it takes a lot of internal push to do them all the time. I’m a lazy woman. Master knew this when he said he wanted me to stay home.
I’m plagued again with the feeling that I’m not making any money. I don’t know how I’m going to learn that money isn’t how my worth is going to be weighed. Master values my efforts at home. He wants me to work on the things that I keep talking about instead of just talking about them. He’s exhausted with me talking about how I want to act and not acting.
So, I am going to start planning my changes this week; something that I’ve always needed to learn. One of my obedience tasks. I’m sure once I think about all that I’ve said I’ll figure out what I need to be doing. Make sense? No? Yeah, I know.
Less talk, more action.
I think what would make Master the happiest would be to do less complaining and more quiet obedience. We’ll see how I do with that.
This afternoon I worked on website work a bit. I have to get 4 hours a day in, but I’ve not done that in 2 weeks. I’m finding it hard to focus overall.
My birthday is Saturday. This will be the first holiday that I won’t hear from my childhood best friend that stopped talking to me. I’m really feeling it. Part of me is hoping she’ll call, but the rest of me is sure she won’t.
Zak brought oatmeal cookies when he came over to play games tonight. It was really sweet. Master and Zak have lots of fun playing video games. I’m happy that Master has someone to hang around even if I’m here too. I know that just being around me all the time can be annoying.
I’ve spent the past several days fighting headaches. Some as bad as migraines. I try to do some work and then I get the twinge. I hate it.
Master and I are doing great. We had some amazing sex yesterday. See we have these new vampire gloves that made titty squeezing quite pleasurable! Mix that with a bit of sex and I’m in heaven.
That’s not the only thing going right around here. Master and I have done quite well with reaffirming our dynamic. It’s still a little shaky but we are getting in groove. It’s great. I’m getting everything done, my rules are being enforced and I’m feeling so good.
That’s about it right now. I’ll check back here when the head isn’t aching.
I’ve not been well today, kinda foggy. I’m not sure if I have something percolating or it’s just a bad day. Master wanted my pain slut to come out and play today but I feel icky.
I took a nap and didn’t want to get up. I had to force myself.
One of the cats got sick on our bed and money is so tight I can’t launder the blanket right now so I have to stash it.
I’m tired of poor people food.
And then there is the email from my father. He’s been back into the hospital for his leg. It’s gotten worse again and he’s talking death…again. He’s known to be dramatic so I’m not sure really how bad it is. It can’t be too bad as he knows I don’t check the email address that often that he has.
I don’t want to deal with it right now. I’m not sure what to think. I’m certain he’s not taking care of himself. I know he’s lonely and bored and poor. There is nothing I can do to improve the situation any. But I feel helpless.
And then there is the thought that he might die and I’ll have to deal with all of his remaining ‘stuff’. I love him because he’s my dad, but with the history we have makes me dread the work he’s going to leave me. I have no clue how to deal with the financial and other will related things he’ll leave behind. There is no doubt that it would all be debt.
Master’s been more pushy lately. Not in a bad way really; he’s doing what he promised he’d do which is pay more attention to the rules and protocol he put in place and follow up with me for awhile to make sure they get done. This is really to help me, but I think it’s been helping Master too. He feels more at ease in his element and I don’t think I’ve been fighting against it nearly as much.
As a new development Master has started calling the apartment HIS home when he reminds me what chores I have to do. He’s never done this before and I rather like it. There’s something to knowing that in reality I shouldn’t claim possession of the apartment at all. I’m certain that this is just a start for me. I’m going to start acclimating myself to not taking possession of more items. It could be a key to my submissive development.
Tossing the idea around in my head as to what might help me embrace my submission a bit better and other than taking my own advice that I give on Submissive Guide I’m coming up blank. So…. that’s where I’m going to start. I never admitted that I was perfect and hell, if you’ve read here for any length of time you know I’m not. But apparently I know what I should be doing. Now it’s time to take my own medicine.
Another nice result of his pushing is that we’ve been more sexually active recently. He’s touching and grabbing my ass, slapping and mouthing my breasts whenever I enter or leave a room. He’s eyeballing me up a lot too. All of which has a wonderful exciting effect on me. I love that he still finds me sexy and beautiful when I know I’m having issues with myself.
On to other things, I’m finding that I enjoy cooking things from scratch. I made pancakes last night that were so much better than using a baking mix and a lot cheaper too. So, what I think I might do is memorize a few basic recipes. I’ll start with pancakes and biscuits, maybe sugar cookies. That should make me very happy I think. I could branch into muffins and cake too later on. Devoting my time to memorize it will be fun. It’s a skill I don’t tend to use since school ended. I might be a little rusty!
Love Our Lurkers Day IV is today. Bonnie started this lovely tradition and this is my third year participating. I’ve had lots of fun in the past with meeting new people.
In the spirit of the day I welcome everyone to introduce themselves in the comments. Even if you comment often, come on out and say hello. I won’t bite and once you’ve said hello you can go back to lurking. I love to know that people are visiting me.
If you feel so inclined, ask me a question. I’ve been blogging here for almost 5 years so there are a lot of things I’ve covered but I don’t expect you to read it all (only a few have admitted to doing that). If you leave a question I will come over to your blog (if you have one) and say hello. Just an added perk for talking to me.
This girl honored me with a great reads award! I’m so happy to be considered. I have so many great reads every day that I’m not sure I can come up with a good list to pass the award on. Here’s what I’ve been able to decide as my favorite reads.
Just because you aren’t on this list doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy your blog. I just didn’t think of it at the time. I truly enjoy every blog I read (and at last count it was over 200).
Watching the news tonight was a mixed bag. Master and I both commented that we are thankful we work from home and don’t go out often when it comes to the H1N1 flu season. If we don’t linger around a lot of people we are likely not to get sick. Of course we know we aren’t in the danger groups but I still wouldn’t want to be sick with the flu.
Then Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. I’m baffled. The European community must think that he’s done something to be awarded it and I hope that he does something wonderful with the money. I’m glad that he stated he is a war president in this acceptance speech. He emphasized that he is working in two areas of war and that peace is his goal but he’s not there yet.
Master has been working hard all day long to set up our new server for all of our websites. For the past several months we’ve had some hosted on GoDaddy, others on our old box which was getting outdated. Now we are working to put them all on a faster and Master’s opinion better box. It helps that it’s half the cost too. He’s moved SubmissiveGuide and The Iron Gate so far. This blog will be moved at some point, so if you come here and find it not working, give it a moment and it will come back.
We are living tightly right now. I miscalculated the budget by a large margin and have had to use what little money left for food. We’re just sitting at home until Master’s paycheck comes in. I feel horrible for having done this for the second time. I think Master’s silence on the issue is killing me more than if he had reamed me a new asshole for it. Everyday I sit in wait for something to happen. Paycheck is still about 2 weeks away. This sucks.
On the diet front, there’s no progress there either. I’m not slipping but I’m not losing either. Master has me exercising so I know it will show sooner or later. I just need to kick it into gear. I’m hoping for a loss this week when I weigh in.
Today marks 5 years of being together. 5 years ago tonight he stepped off of a plane and into my life. It’s been a wonderful 5 years, good and bad bumps in the road. We’ve grown and loved and laughed and cried. Here’s to many more.
Just thought I’d link to the past 4 years anniversary posts as they are sappy and wonderful. More couldn’t be said.
2005: One Year Ago…
2006: Happy Anniversary Master!
2007: Let it All Begin
2008: Floating In Rope
This month on Submissive Guide I am running a charity fundraiser for National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. I’m trying to raise at least $1000. I would really appreciate any help you can provide from donations to posting about it on your own site, or tweeting it to high heaven. Help me out.
If you need some incentive, for every $10 you donate your name goes in a drawing for a $100 gift certificate for JT’s Stockroom. For every post, day tweeted or banner/widget posted you get an entry into a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com.
It’s worth it. Come help.
We got a few new toys today. First a pair of vampire gloves. I’ve always been curious by them. Master tried them out during sex. I like to have my breasts squeezed so to add the element of pins to that was wonderful. I loved it and I know that Master did too.
Then we got a hood. It’s spandex with a blindfold and an open mouth. I thought it would be good to get used to and I was certain that Master would love the objectification aspect of it. I tried it on for a short time to see how my rebreathing phobia was going to be. I was fine. We’ll try it out in scene soon enough.
I did a lot of work today and it made me feel really good about myself. I think I will have to employ the same trick that I did today in the future. I set a timer for 30 mins and did some online work, then 30 mins to do housework, and back to the online work. Simple and effective for me.
Last night Master and I had a great time with a friend of ours. He came over to play some games, he didn’t win any, but it was fun anyhow! I can’t wait till next time he comes over.
Last night, I attended the college graduation of my little sister. I cried and smiled and did everything to make sure she knew that I was so proud of her. She dropped out of high school at the age of 16, had a baby, ran off to discover herself but found drugs instead. Came home, settled down a bit and got her GED. Then in the blink of an eye she got married and had another baby. When she told me she was going back to school for an AA in Business that I grinned. I knew she would do it. And last night as she walked across the stage she proved it. (and looking quite pregnant might I add with her next adventure, a girl).
It was a bittersweet graduation too. My sister’s childhood best friend since kindergarten died a few months ago suddenly in her sleep. She would have been walking across that stage immediately after my sister. Instead her husband and their 2 little girls did it for their mommy. The entire theater stood up and applauded. I cried. I knew her like a sister because when her own Mother died in a housefire, we were her foster family for 3 years. She lived with us and shared my sisters clothes. They were inseparable.
The graduation program had a memorial in it for her. My little sister wrote a poem to her best friend. It made me cry too.
In the end I’m so very proud of my little sister for finding the courage to break through all her obstacles and graduate.