A couple of you think that my relationship is doomed because of my thoughts and what I think is going on in the last post (few posts) and while I don’t have to explain why I blog, I feel I should now.
This is my dump zone. I whine and complain and bitch. I stress out, I struggle with things and I talk bad about Master. In fact he told me yesterday that I do paint a him in a pretty bad light, but he doesn’t care what other people think as long as I don’t think that way. He knows the purpose of this blog and understands. I know I do. To you all he must seem like a really mean man when in fact he quite fair, understanding and knows me more than I know myself.
We also had another talk last night about my concerns I voiced on this blog and I’m certain that we can keep moving that circle of power and I will feel my submission again. I’m to pick up my rules that I haven’t been doing and he’s going to go over them again and probably revise them to reflect the change in my working status. Along with the possible revision is his attention to if I’m doing them.
I like that he has made the decision for me to not work. It’s not a red flag. If I came to him with a real and valid reason why I wanted to work he would honor it. His desire to see me happy would make that decision for him. I have not approached him with a reason and I am happy that I can serve him in this way. It’s not easy but hell, nothing is.
He said that my crazy mood started when the really bad cramps started and not before; so he’s sure it’s period related. I’d like to hope so. I guess I’ll know when the red plague ends.
@thepinkpoppet – You are exactly right about the chaos play and the childhood abuse. He knows that the chaos is why I’m so scared and has NEVER pushed me to do something I wasn’t ready to do. He reiterated last night that nothing would happen until I was ready, and if that means I have a lot of mental work ahead, then he’s willing to wait.
@Catori – I’m still terrible at telling Master what I want and need. Some areas of my life are still stuck in the process of shifting to a more transparent state. I realize that it is my responsibility to tell him how I feel and what I need. We are reworking our relationship and have been for a while; that’s probably why the struggle is so apparent recently. As I said above, he would never push me to do anything I was not ready to do. I have no doubt that he will wait for me to say that I am ready.
@patricialynn – You are right, I’m very negative on my blog. It’s always been that way. I’ve lost readers in cycles because I tend to be a downer. I use this blog in a way that may be different than others. We have just as many good times as bad. But it’s the bad times I need to discuss, work out, vent about and struggle with. That’s why they end up here.
About not working outside the home. There are many submissives and slaves that do it. It is his direction that I am to serve him and his choice is that I do not work, but rather care for him and his house and whatever other needs he may have. He has mentioned several times of ‘loaning me out’ to volunteer for the local BDSM community but nothing has triggered that desire in him yet. Just like with everything else, I struggle with it because I’m not used to it – but it is a good fit for me.
@wendy – Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m sure that we will be able to work though this challenge just as we have the ones in the past.
@danae – Do you think the circle ‘crumbles’ because it’s time to move in a different direction? I often wonder if we started having the miscommunication issues when our relationship dynamic decided it was time to move one way or another and we missed the boat. We’ve both talked and will be working intensely to re-establish that circle so that we can continue the work we’ve started. Thank you.
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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I am so happy that you talked with him again. Open communication is the MOST vital element in any relationship and in a D/s one it is imperative. I left another comment on your previous post from yesterday. It pretty much still sums up my opinions, for whatever they are worth to anyone. As for being negative on your blog…honey..it is YOUR blog and a vehicle for your feelings, thoughts and a way to work them out via the written word. No need to explain or apologize. You should be able to voice yourself and write whatever the heck you want. We all go through days, weeks, months sometimes of dark clouds and crap and it colors our lives and outlooks. And sometimes we are all on a freaking high cloud with rose colored glasses on and the same applies. But however you feel or what you think is YOURS to own and again, this is YOUR blog. Never feel the need to apologize (at least to me) for what you feel. Sending good thoughts your way.
thepinkpoppet´s last blog ..Wet T-shirt and Me.
i understand completely the need to vent a bit, to release the tension and express confusion or frustration through the written word. i have a private blog for that, one that only my Master and i have access to, but which i use for that same purpose…usually things i am not sure i could word “appropriately”, by which i mean with the deep level of respect i feel.
And of course, every blog’s purpose is different. Many try to describe their relationship realistically, some try to convey their philosophies, some paint a pretty picture, and some, like you, use it as a way to express what you may not be able to in another way. Maybe some of the confusion was that those readers who have commented didn’t really understand that you were giving kind of a one-sided view. That’s so common to us in “blogopia” – we tend to forget that what we’re reading is merely a snapshot of a life or a relationship!
i’m glad you clarified, though, as it will make it easier to understand your perspective i think.
i enjoy your blog, and your openness in sharing even the tough things!
~schiava
schiava´s last blog ..On being a Ferrari
Luna,
Venting is great!! i have thought about starting my own blog- to vent and let things out- Sir actually might like that- less venting to Him although he said He never cares how many emails i send Him!! i am happy you are doing well. Like you said nothing is easy- esp. not the things worth doing!! So listen girl W/we are all here reading… let it out!! ~wendy
i do the same thing as schiava ~ i have a private blog that i use for journaling and writing assignments, that only Daddy can see. It’s a great way for me to express things i can’t say to Him directly, either because they’re emotionally difficult issues, or because i’m embarrassed, or because i feel it would be TFTB to state them outright. He takes that feedback and does whatever He does with it.
i don’t have a public blog, but i can understand that the emotions & activities you most struggle with, are often those that you give the most attention to, because that’s what needs fixed. People don’t tend to focus as much on the things that are already working. So i can definitely understand that tendancy.
i don’t work outside the home, either, and i think that’s not overly uncommon for 24/7 TPE subs/slaves. So i don’t see that as a red flag ~ unless you are really miserable and totally isolated, and your M won’t talk about options to resolve that. From what i’ve read, the two of you seem to talk things out quite a bit, which is a very good thing.