I have moved! New web address that is all me Nothing else has changed; same look, same me. Just a name that is all mine.
- If you are a regular reader you will want to change your blog links for this blog.
- If you use RSS with the old domain name in it, you will want to fetch the new RSS URL.
- If you use RSS to read my blog, and use the feedburner URL, you won’t have to do anything.
Master has a sinus infection that has given him migraines the past two days.
I’ve been dealing with whatever type of cold he gave me that became the sinus infection for him. Needless to say we’ve both been laid up.
Master and I have different desires when we are sick. We’ve spent the nights in separate beds because when I’m sick I snore really badly and toss and turn; keeping Master up. He says he’s had the best night’s sleep on the futon in the living room. I sleep better with him in the bed with me, but with me being sick I don’t think my body notices. I like the room to be cool so that I can snuggle. Master prefers to be really warm. He hates noise, I don’t mind a fan.
I’ve been playing my video games and watching TV this whole week. I’m bored, I can’t think straight and I can’t wait for this illness to break. We are both just trying to survive and somehow the dishes are still getting done… mostly.
I’ve had to put the diet on hold due to being sick but I’m itching to get back going on it as soon as I’m able. I have a lot of friends supporting me on SparkPeople now that I don’t want to let down.
Well, I’m off for another night trying to breathe between coughs and runny nose. Gah. Yuck.
I’m not even as sick as I feel I am going to be. You know when you start to get sick but you have this sensation that it’s going to be worse in the morning? Yeah, I have that. I also have the example of watching Master go through it just 2 weeks ago. Today I can’t focus. Tomorrow I might not be able to get out of bed without feeling horrible. We’ll see.
Master and I are making progress. We are closer, I’m more agreeable (when I’m not sick that is) and I love the idea of living as his submissive forever.
I got an email back from my friend that I’m corresponding with. She said that she never saw me as anyone but a slave because of my manners and how I carry myself around Master. Kinda sweet actually. So really it’s my own restriction. I could be considered a slave if I let myself.
I’m not ready for that, but at least I know that others already consider me a slave.
I am certain that I’ll be able to think about this more when I’ m not sick.
I am getting sick. Master’s cold or whatever it was has passed on to me. Hopefully it doesn’t affect me as much as it did Master. I have a lot to do as always and hate having to succumb to illness.
We’ll have to see how it goes, I guess.
Last night Master and I had what we call an intensive. We focus and sink into our roles for a time and don’t have interference. Since it was our first one we didn’t do a whole lot, but talked about it. Master has goals and plans and I have to learn my expectations. What scares me is that Master has a sadistic side that I have not seen, one that he said he hasn’t even accepted as a part of him. It’s going to be quite difficult for me to receive what he is wanting to dish out when we do that. He described it as his desire to hurt me and make me take it. I know that I’m going to have to endure pain that I’ve not felt before. I’m very nervous by it; but I trust him to not harm me so I’m sure at some point we’ll make it to that level.
He said he’s not even okay with these feelings yet, so acting them out may take awhile. Being so pliable will be difficult for me. I use my security blanket of my ability to say no a bit too much, and during these intensives I am not allowed to say no. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to learn and accept.
It’s another step. We move closer in this and our foundation is solid.
Let’s start with the wonderful news. Dad will not have to have surgery! The infection has not gotten to the bones so he’s just have some intensive wound care for the next 4 weeks to get it healed up. I’m so happy!
This weekend I’m hoping that Master and I can get some play in. I’m starting to crave it. I’ve been craving ever since kaya started posting about her trip to SpankFest. She wrote something that really hit me true. She said that she’s not into pain (even though we see her go through a lot!) She said what gets her is that she’s made to take what he dishes. And I said yes, I totally agree. I think if I had this mindset and Master knew that too we’d have more intense play.
Ah here we go, I found the quote I was referring to above, “Pain hurts. I’ve never claimed to like pain, I only like being forced to take it.” I just love it. In fact I love it so much I’ve added it to my random quotes rotation at the top of my blog.
Master’s cold is down to just an awful annoying cough. I can’t wait to be able to kiss him again (we abstain when either of us gets sick just for that added protection). I told him I’d love to just high school make out when he’s better. I love kissing and god I can’t wait.
So back to the play, I’ve been a wimp lately when it comes to pain. I think it’s because we haven’t played in so long. I want more but I have to work up to it. Like a challenge. Hmm… maybe a fall challenge is in the works. I’ll have to talk to Master but maybe I can do something fun that you can follow along on here at the blog. Along the lines of a pain tolerance challenge where the goal is to increase endurance or intensity or both.
Here I am again. No new news on my dad. He hasn’t bothered to call me now that I know he’s been admitted to the hospital. He keeps calling my step sister instead of me; which is really starting to bother me. I haven’t gotten a call since this morning from him. Any new news I’ve gotten from her. Hopefully he will call me when he knows something tomorrow.
Master made a huge sigh when he heard the news. We were just getting ready to move back into intense submission when this happened. I have to try to keep myself from breaking down. Dad will be fine; he’s just got a long road ahead and a major change in life for him. I feel really down today and quite worried as Master has noted, but hopefully tomorrow will treat me better. I want to please Master and keeping my mood up is a personal goal of mine.
He’s still sick, his cough is really bad the past few days. I know we will both be happy when he’s better. I do the best to care for him. It’s been a long cold. Luckily I have not gotten it…. yet.
I’m thinking I might try to sleep in tomorrow. Either that or get up early and work hard. Something to make time pass a bit quicker. I just don’t know which that will be yet.
I am talking through email with a more experienced slave that I know from one of the local munch groups about my personal struggles. One of the things we are talking about is my aversion to calling myself a slave and what slavery means to me. After describing it to her, she said something that rang true.
In reading your letter i note that very strongly you appear to be afraid of losing yourself in all of this. It is meant to find yourself and who you are not the opposite.
When a slave puts her self in her Master’s hand it is with the full knowledge and trust. It is Master’s duty (as he knows you better than you know yourself) not to give you more than you can handle.
I doubt that you are fighting submission/slavery as much as you are fighting for your own identity. It may very well be a phase you are going through.
Being a slave isn’t about losing your identity, it’s about claiming one. I’ve believed that if you choose slavery that you give up all rights to decision-making and that leaves you with nothing of yourself. In actuality it’s everything. Your only purpose is pleasing your Master and you have no worries for anything else because he takes care of it.
I still can’t call myself a slave, but at least I understand how she sees it and what I might be going through.
My father has called me to tell me he is having surgery tonight/tomorrow morning for a diabetic leg ulcer that he let get really bad. He ignored it during the bereavement of my step mother and from what I’ve been told by S. it’s been getting noticably worse for months. He has a high likelihood of losing his leg.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to drive out there again right now. I feel really helpless. Every other time he’s gone under general anesthesia his heart has stopped and they’ve had to jolt him back. There is a small likelihood that I could lose my father in the next few days if it happens again and they can’t bring him back.
I’m scared of the burden I will have if they take his leg. He won’t be able to move around at all, he won’t be able to work, he’s be permanently disabled and reliant on a lot of people. What am I going to do? Do I beg for money for travel to go help him? Do we move out there?
I know I just need to wait to see what happens. It’s the waiting that is killing me.
UPDATE: Dad has an MRI and tests tomorrow to see how deep the ulcer goes. Dr says it’s likely he’ll lose at least one toe, maybe more and could be part of his foot too. If the infection is in the bone however, that means they have to take the whole leg up to the hip. *sigh* Let’s hope for just a few toes shall we?