I’ve been really cranky today and lazy and full of blah. I just don’t know what’s into me recently. I don’t feel well but can’t describe any symptoms other than I just don’t feel right.
It doesn’t even feel like depression so I’m ruling that out.
Master has given me his normal things to do and I’ve done them, but not without a lot of inner turmoil. In my head I’m talking back, I’m digging my heels in and I’m just saying no. He doesn’t see that. I just do it anyway. I just couldn’t have him mad at me for something when I don’t feel like I’m giving myself any praise either.
I get caught up on one thing, only to find that I have let something else slip. I still don’t have a routine in place, no matter how hard I try. I am really struggling with the stay at home job. Don’t get me wrong, the website work is fun most days, but the housework that goes along with it is just chores. Master likes me here to be available for service and has said no to my thoughts of finding work again. I have no real reason to find work other than I am not working out well here.
And to top it off I feel that my weight loss isn’t going to work like it did last time. I am so desperate about losing weight that I’ve dreamt about going through bariatric surgery. Yes, why I’m dreaming it I couldn’t say because I’m firmly against it for myself. Maybe it’s my longing for faster results with less work. Let’s face it, I could work a lot harder at it. If I made it a priority it would come off a lot easier. I’d reach my goals and I’d be happier with myself.
I’m not happy with my body. I hate looking at it, I hate the limits it has put on me as far as movement and comfort. I hate that I don’t have any clothing that fits right or looks good on me (of course how do you dress a whale). Master still gets turned on by the sight of me, and every time I look at myself I get turned off. I’m just so gross.
My to do list for myself and my happiness gets longer and longer. I’m not working on it at all. I can’t explain why. I know I can be happy; I’ve been there before. Master does make me happy if only I can see past myself and my personal insecurities. I could lose him if I don’t get out of this funk. Who would want a submissive who hates herself as much as I do?
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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Luna, i am sad to see you so sad. i hope you are feeling better soon. Question- do you think getting out of the house and working would help you to feel better? Some people need that people interaction and outside friends. If so, talk to your Master about the reasons for wanting to work. Maybe you have to much time on your hands to think the bad thoughts. i know if i didn’t work i would feel bad a lot of the time. Anyway, it was just a thought and i want you to know i am thinking of you ~ you are beautiful!! ~wendy
wendy,
I’m sure I’ll be fine. I don’t know if getting out of the house to work would make me feel better. I’ve never enjoyed work outside the home when I was doing that. The only thing about work that I enjoyed was that there was a set routine and my requirements were all laid out for me. I felt good when I accomplished what I had set out to do. I know that once I get that going here at home, I can feel just as fulfilled.