September 2009

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Some Of You Get It

A couple of you think that my relationship is doomed because of my thoughts and what I think is going on in the last post (few posts) and while I don’t have to explain why I blog, I feel I should now.

This is my dump zone. I whine and complain and bitch. I stress out, I struggle with things and I talk bad about Master. In fact he told me yesterday that I do paint a him in a pretty bad light, but he doesn’t care what other people think as long as I don’t think that way. He knows the purpose of this blog and understands. I know I do. To you all he must seem like a really mean man when in fact he quite fair, understanding and knows me more than I know myself.

We also had another talk last night about my concerns I voiced on this blog and I’m certain that we can keep moving that circle of power and I will feel my submission again. I’m to pick up my rules that I haven’t been doing and he’s going to go over them again and probably revise them to reflect the change in my working status. Along with the possible revision is his attention to if I’m doing them.

I like that he has made the decision for me to not work. It’s not a red flag. If I came to him with a real and valid reason why I wanted to work he would honor it. His desire to see me happy would make that decision for him. I have not approached him with a reason and I am happy that I can serve him in this way. It’s not easy but hell, nothing is.

He said that my crazy mood started when the really bad cramps started and not before; so he’s sure it’s period related. I’d like to hope so. I guess I’ll know when the red plague ends.

@thepinkpoppet – You are exactly right about the chaos play and the childhood abuse. He knows that the chaos is why I’m so scared and has NEVER pushed me to do something I wasn’t ready to do. He reiterated last night that nothing would happen until I was ready, and if that means I have a lot of mental work ahead, then he’s willing to wait.

@Catori – I’m still terrible at telling Master what I want and need. Some areas of my life are still stuck in the process of shifting to a more transparent state. I realize that it is my responsibility to tell him how I feel and what I need. We are reworking our relationship and have been for a while; that’s probably why the struggle is so apparent recently. As I said above, he would never push me to do anything I was not ready to do. I have no doubt that he will wait for me to say that I am ready.

@patricialynn – You are right, I’m very negative on my blog. It’s always been that way. I’ve lost readers in cycles because I tend to be a downer. I use this blog in a way that may be different than others. We have just as many good times as bad. But it’s the bad times I need to discuss, work out, vent about and struggle with. That’s why they end up here.

About not working outside the home. There are many submissives and slaves that do it. It is his direction that I am to serve him and his choice is that I do not work, but rather care for him and his house and whatever other needs he may have. He has mentioned several times of ‘loaning me out’ to volunteer for the local BDSM community but nothing has triggered that desire in him yet.  Just like with everything else, I struggle with it because I’m not used to it – but it is a good fit for me.

@wendy – Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m sure that we will be able to work though this challenge just as we have the ones in the past.

@danae – Do you think the circle ‘crumbles’ because it’s time to move in a different direction? I often wonder if we started having the miscommunication issues when our relationship dynamic decided it was time to move one way or another and we missed the boat. We’ve both talked and will be working intensely to re-establish that circle so that we can continue the work we’ve started. Thank you.

This isn't happening.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster few days here. Master and I tested out the newly made toys last night. I wasn’t sure what to expect from them since it’s been a long time since we’ve done a stand alone pain scene. I knew that I’d have to really keep my body from wanting to run away and try to just take it. Whatever that was going to be.

When I do that I get very quiet because I’ve learned the bratty nature that I feel during that time isn’t what Master wants to hear. So I squelch it. According to Master afterwards, I was too quiet. He wasn’t turned on, he didn’t want me to give him a blow job (which I offered!) and I instantly crashed.

The argument that ensued was confusing and terrifying. Ultimately, what I got out of it was this:

  • The stand alone scenes are not something Master likes doing. He does them because I like them. They are for me and what I want to get out of them.
  • I don’t voice my desires for play well enough, or at all and so it begins to create voids in his understanding for what I want in play.
  • I don’t show a desire for sex or play and so it makes him not want to play. I’m not in touch with my sexuality and that hinders his pleasure.
  • We have no defined beginning and ending of a scene and that has a jarring effect on my emotions.
  • The type of play he wants is more intense, aggressive and painful. It’s far beyond anywhere he’s ever taken me. I can’t even see a median step. It’s going to be a leap. And I’m going to have to do the jumping… soon.

I was shaken to the core to hear that the play that I enjoy he does just for me, that what he gets out of it isn’t the same as what I get out of it. I had the feeling that if he could, the stand alone ‘scenes’ that I love wouldn’t ever happen. His desire for play is more chaos-inspired rather than structured. They scare me.

When I think about the ideas for what he is likely to do I see flashbacks in my head of a time where my father had me cornered and was beating on me. Complete chaos. No control. Fear.

I know that Master would never do anything that I couldn’t handle, but something about the chaos really gets me. I know that he’d be in control the whole time, even if there would be a sense of no control.

Master just said I’m throwing out crazy signs. That I’m not in tune with him right now and he’s blaming my period. I don’t know if it’s just that. You know that structure I keep mentioning and how I need it to thrive in my submission? It’s not there. He doesn’t enforce is rules anymore and I’ve been testing him. To see if he’s been watching. And if he is watching, he’s not said anything or done anything about it. So why pick it back up? It obviously isn’t important to him if I do it or not.

We had this big huge discussion not that long ago about needing to get back on track. I don’t know why I’m testing him; but I do know that I expect to be chastised and corrected when I fail to do something. Right now I’m getting a rolling eye and a dismissal.

If I bring it up to him, it will be my fault. I’m always the one slipping in my role and if I’m not submissive he can’t be dominant right? I could swear it was a circle and not a straight line. We are supposed to feed off of each other. Well, it’s not happening.


The kinky crafts was lots of fun. I got 2 floggers mostly done, the canes sanded and tips rounded. I need to stain and clear coat them before I can do handles on them. I remade the crop that Master stepped on over 4 years ago.  I have 2 other floggers in the works. All in all a good day.

I paid for it the following day with my carpal tunnel screaming at me so loudly that I iced them, warmed them, iced them again. The pain pills just didn’t seem enough. Thankfully they feel a bit better today so that I could continue working and the chores got done.

We have yet to try the new toys but I have no doubt that I will feel the full effects of them soon enough. Master has been in a very pain-giving mood. I look forward to it.  We haven’t really played much lately because of what’s been going on in our lives. I know it’s possible to really get into a groove though where, with our situation, we can play a lot more frequently.

Isn’t that the dream though? No one ever seems to play as much as they’d like. We get the itch and never scratch or get so busy with life that things don’t fall into place. What holds us together so well is that the role dynamics are in place all the time so we can continue being Dominant and submissive even if the play doesn’t happen. I’m getting more in touch recently with my intimate connection to Master. He’s noticed me watching him more. That’s part of it. I feel like my heart beats faster when I look at him. He makes my world feel so complete and wonderful. Just knowing that he is there and I serve him helps calm any concerns or worries I may have at the time. That peace is terrific and addictive.

So tonight I hope to feel a bite from one of the new toys and to please Master sexually. It should be a good time. I hope that the new toys are enjoyable and I’ve not bitten off more than I can chew. I do hope that I can take what he wants to give me. I want to please him and I will certainly try my best.


Fall Colors

Today I spent some time at Panera getting some SubGuide work done. I hope to finish reading this book I’m reading for a review this week so that I can post about it next week. It’s slow going though, no for disinterest, but just because I must not be in a reading mood. I did write a couple of posts though and that always feels good.

The house has been moderately clean lately and I’m sure that if I can maintain it through the weekend that I’ll be able to up the level next week. I’ve come to see that the way the house looks reflects on my mood. If it’s picked up and there are only a few chores then I feel good about the world, but if the house is a sty then I feel gloomy. It’s an odd barometer.

I got some supplies for the kinky crafts class I am going to on Saturday. Hopefully I’ll make some dowel canes and a flogger or two. It’s expected that I’ll be learning some chain maille also. Sounds like a wonderful fun time to me. I’m driving 2 hours to get to this all day event and a friend of ours is coming with so I won’t be alone. I don’t think I’ve been excited about something like this in quite a while.

I just thought of this… it will mean driving down there every weekend for the next few weeks though to attend the munch and play party. Oh the joy of driving. At least we won’t be cursing at the fact I don’t have A/C in my car. Fall has come and it feels wonderful. I love the fall.

My birthday is coming up next month. I’ll be 32. I’m beginning to feel old. Well, that’s not true, not old perse, but not young anymore either. It just … is.

I’m going to color my hair again before the weekend. It needs to be freshened up really bad if your Master can tell that it needs it. I’m going to get my eyebrows waxed too. Something about doing that makes me feel really feminine.

You know what else makes me feel feminine? Soft flowing clothes. I got some clothing gifted to me and some of it is beautiful and makes me feel all girly. Just special and wonderful. The rest of it is great for everyday wear and I even have a few basic knit skirts! I’ve wanted more skirts for awhile now.

Does anyone have instructions, or know where to find them online, on how to turn a pair of old jeans into a skirt? I know I’ve seen them. It looks like someone has cut open the inseam and then added panels and that’s it. I have my pair of jeans that I wore through the inner thigh that I thought I could do that with since the waist still fits.

Well, that’s all for me today…


A Dry Spell

Master was sick for much of September… so was I. This lead to a dry spell in our sexual lives. Now that we are both well my period is only days away. So why is it that I am not interested in sex? Master is quite frustrated about it and brings it up often enough. It hurts me that I’m not interested and hurt still more that he’s not in the mood just to take what he needs from me, regardless of my emotions.

I don’t have a reason not to be horny. I spent a good 3 weeks without kissing the man I love, without caressing him and fondling him. I spent that time with pent up energy (and then sickness). Why I can’t spill it out now is beyond me.

This could be another result of my blahs that I’ve been feeling lately. Then again, they could not. I hate the idea of tacking all my issues onto one ‘excuse’ and calling it a day.

Master is still the sexiest man in my life. He enters my dreams and he sleeps naked in bed with me. I lust after him and I love being lusted after by him.

I told him yesterday that for sex to be fun for me I crave a bit of pain or something. That something being play of any sort. But I see now that I’ve not given him any clues as to my desires other than that; and worse yet I’ve been crabby with him even mentioning that I’ve not sexed him the way he wants for a few days.

The blowjob he got yesterday wasn’t half bad. I took me a bit to get into it, but in the end it was fun. I blindfolded him so that he couldn’t see my face… at first to mask the bored look… and then because he makes more noises that way. I love the noises. It’s hard to get him to make those noises during sex. He said he’s concentrating on other things then. Sure, I’ll buy that.

So what’s with me? I think hormones is one reason. My period is so near that I keep running to the bathroom with that sensation. You know what I’m talking about girls.  And just as my period will start I can bet you that my horniness will go through the roof. And of course, he won’t use me then. So blowjobs and attention for him will have to tide him over.

Why can’t it be simpler? You want to fuck me, okay… go. Nah, there have to be expectations and emotions attached to it.


Today I was informed that someone had scraped 11 essays from to post in their group without attribution or even a note of comment that the information was not written by them. Needless to say I am furious, but with any written content on the web we have to face the fact that someone might want to steal it. Thankfully the law provides us with a small measure to help us combat these thieves.

I have just filled out my very first DMCA Takedown Notice and sent it to the website administrative team. That is if the group owner doesn’t take it down first. See, I joined their little group and posted a message informing all of the members and the moderator that they have violated my copyright and request that the enumerated essays (11 of them) must be taken down.

We shall see what happens.

UPDATE: All posts have been removed by administration. Win!

A Case of the Blahs

I’ve been really cranky today and lazy and full of blah. I just don’t know what’s into me recently. I don’t feel well but can’t describe any symptoms other than I just don’t feel right.

It doesn’t even feel like depression so I’m ruling that out.

Master has given me his normal things to do and I’ve done them, but not without a lot of inner turmoil. In my head I’m talking back, I’m digging my heels in and I’m just saying no. He doesn’t see that. I just do it anyway. I just couldn’t have him mad at me for something when I don’t feel like I’m giving myself any praise either.

I get caught up on one thing, only to find that I have let something else slip. I still don’t have a routine in place, no matter how hard I try. I am really struggling with the stay at home job. Don’t get me wrong, the website work is fun most days, but the housework that goes along with it is just chores. Master likes me here to be available for service and has said no to my thoughts of finding work again. I have no real reason to find work other than I am not working out well here.

And to top it off I feel that my weight loss isn’t going to work like it did last time. I am so desperate about losing weight that I’ve dreamt about going through bariatric surgery. Yes, why I’m dreaming it I couldn’t say because I’m firmly against it for myself. Maybe it’s my longing for faster results with less work. Let’s face it, I could work a lot harder at it. If I made it a priority it would come off a lot easier. I’d reach my goals and I’d be happier with myself.

I’m not happy with my body. I hate looking at it, I hate the limits it has put on me as far as movement and comfort. I hate that I don’t have any clothing that fits right or looks good on me (of course how do you dress a whale). Master still gets turned on by the sight of me, and every time I look at myself I get turned off. I’m just so gross.

My to do list for myself and my happiness gets longer and longer. I’m not working on it at all. I can’t explain why. I know I can be happy; I’ve been there before. Master does make me happy if only I can see past myself and my personal insecurities. I could lose him if I don’t get out of this funk. Who would want a submissive who hates herself as much as I do?


Middle of the Week Blahs

I wonder sometimes what in the world brings me back to the blog when I have nothing to say. Master is still not 100% so he’s cranky which makes me cranky. We aren’t spending a lot of time together and basically we are just existing right now.  It’s not always a bad thing but when we were working on getting back on track it sure puts a damper on things.

Oh, one of the things Master wants me to start doing for both of our sake is cooking more healthy foods. No more quick fix meals. Which makes me whine a little because I’m currently not in the mood to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. And then of course I will want to because the food I’m making will be different and yummy and healthy. All bonuses.

Although tonight Master didn’t want the chicken and vegetable risotto I had planned so we had Pizza Hut. So much for healthy huh? I’ll pick it back up tomorrow. I did caramelize about 4 lbs of onions though, half for French Onion soup and the other half will be for anything I desire… on top of sandwiches, eggs, hash, toast and so much more. For some reason it just sounds wonderful. I have another 3 lbs to do tomorrow the same treatment but with peppers also. There’s so much I can do with mixtures like that. I have to remember to set some aside uncooked for fajitas early next week. Hmm, but caramelizing them would be fine too… I guess I”ll have to decide soon.

I think some of the reason I’m feeling blah is that I have a lot that I need to do and never feel that I have the time to do it. I’m not sleeping well, and not sleeping a decent amount. This puts a pressure on my time that already feels pressed. Tomorrow I have a lot of house chores to do as well as web work.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is better.


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