A couple of you think that my relationship is doomed because of my thoughts and what I think is going on in the last post (few posts) and while I don’t have to explain why I blog, I feel I should now.

This is my dump zone. I whine and complain and bitch. I stress out, I struggle with things and I talk bad about Master. In fact he told me yesterday that I do paint a him in a pretty bad light, but he doesn’t care what other people think as long as I don’t think that way. He knows the purpose of this blog and understands. I know I do. To you all he must seem like a really mean man when in fact he quite fair, understanding and knows me more than I know myself.

We also had another talk last night about my concerns I voiced on this blog and I’m certain that we can keep moving that circle of power and I will feel my submission again. I’m to pick up my rules that I haven’t been doing and he’s going to go over them again and probably revise them to reflect the change in my working status. Along with the possible revision is his attention to if I’m doing them.

I like that he has made the decision for me to not work. It’s not a red flag. If I came to him with a real and valid reason why I wanted to work he would honor it. His desire to see me happy would make that decision for him. I have not approached him with a reason and I am happy that I can serve him in this way. It’s not easy but hell, nothing is.

He said that my crazy mood started when the really bad cramps started and not before; so he’s sure it’s period related. I’d like to hope so. I guess I’ll know when the red plague ends.

@thepinkpoppet – You are exactly right about the chaos play and the childhood abuse. He knows that the chaos is why I’m so scared and has NEVER pushed me to do something I wasn’t ready to do. He reiterated last night that nothing would happen until I was ready, and if that means I have a lot of mental work ahead, then he’s willing to wait.

@Catori – I’m still terrible at telling Master what I want and need. Some areas of my life are still stuck in the process of shifting to a more transparent state. I realize that it is my responsibility to tell him how I feel and what I need. We are reworking our relationship and have been for a while; that’s probably why the struggle is so apparent recently. As I said above, he would never push me to do anything I was not ready to do. I have no doubt that he will wait for me to say that I am ready.

@patricialynn – You are right, I’m very negative on my blog. It’s always been that way. I’ve lost readers in cycles because I tend to be a downer. I use this blog in a way that may be different than others. We have just as many good times as bad. But it’s the bad times I need to discuss, work out, vent about and struggle with. That’s why they end up here.

About not working outside the home. There are many submissives and slaves that do it. It is his direction that I am to serve him and his choice is that I do not work, but rather care for him and his house and whatever other needs he may have. He has mentioned several times of ‘loaning me out’ to volunteer for the local BDSM community but nothing has triggered that desire in him yet.  Just like with everything else, I struggle with it because I’m not used to it – but it is a good fit for me.

@wendy – Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m sure that we will be able to work though this challenge just as we have the ones in the past.

@danae – Do you think the circle ‘crumbles’ because it’s time to move in a different direction? I often wonder if we started having the miscommunication issues when our relationship dynamic decided it was time to move one way or another and we missed the boat. We’ve both talked and will be working intensely to re-establish that circle so that we can continue the work we’ve started. Thank you.

Today I spent some time at Panera getting some SubGuide work done. I hope to finish reading this book I’m reading for a review this week so that I can post about it next week. It’s slow going though, no for disinterest, but just because I must not be in a reading mood. I did write a couple of posts though and that always feels good.

The house has been moderately clean lately and I’m sure that if I can maintain it through the weekend that I’ll be able to up the level next week. I’ve come to see that the way the house looks reflects on my mood. If it’s picked up and there are only a few chores then I feel good about the world, but if the house is a sty then I feel gloomy. It’s an odd barometer.

I got some supplies for the kinky crafts class I am going to on Saturday. Hopefully I’ll make some dowel canes and a flogger or two. It’s expected that I’ll be learning some chain maille also. Sounds like a wonderful fun time to me. I’m driving 2 hours to get to this all day event and a friend of ours is coming with so I won’t be alone. I don’t think I’ve been excited about something like this in quite a while.

I just thought of this… it will mean driving down there every weekend for the next few weeks though to attend the munch and play party. Oh the joy of driving. At least we won’t be cursing at the fact I don’t have A/C in my car. Fall has come and it feels wonderful. I love the fall.

My birthday is coming up next month. I’ll be 32. I’m beginning to feel old. Well, that’s not true, not old perse, but not young anymore either. It just … is.

I’m going to color my hair again before the weekend. It needs to be freshened up really bad if your Master can tell that it needs it. I’m going to get my eyebrows waxed too. Something about doing that makes me feel really feminine.

You know what else makes me feel feminine? Soft flowing clothes. I got some clothing gifted to me and some of it is beautiful and makes me feel all girly. Just special and wonderful. The rest of it is great for everyday wear and I even have a few basic knit skirts! I’ve wanted more skirts for awhile now.

Does anyone have instructions, or know where to find them online, on how to turn a pair of old jeans into a skirt? I know I’ve seen them. It looks like someone has cut open the inseam and then added panels and that’s it. I have my pair of jeans that I wore through the inner thigh that I thought I could do that with since the waist still fits.

Well, that’s all for me today…

–luna

Today I was informed that someone had scraped 11 essays from SubmissiveGuide.com to post in their group without attribution or even a note of comment that the information was not written by them. Needless to say I am furious, but with any written content on the web we have to face the fact that someone might want to steal it. Thankfully the law provides us with a small measure to help us combat these thieves.

I have just filled out my very first DMCA Takedown Notice and sent it to the website administrative team. That is if the group owner doesn’t take it down first. See, I joined their little group and posted a message informing all of the members and the moderator that they have violated my copyright and request that the enumerated essays (11 of them) must be taken down.

We shall see what happens.

UPDATE: All posts have been removed by administration. Win!

I wonder sometimes what in the world brings me back to the blog when I have nothing to say. Master is still not 100% so he’s cranky which makes me cranky. We aren’t spending a lot of time together and basically we are just existing right now.  It’s not always a bad thing but when we were working on getting back on track it sure puts a damper on things.

Oh, one of the things Master wants me to start doing for both of our sake is cooking more healthy foods. No more quick fix meals. Which makes me whine a little because I’m currently not in the mood to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. And then of course I will want to because the food I’m making will be different and yummy and healthy. All bonuses.

Although tonight Master didn’t want the chicken and vegetable risotto I had planned so we had Pizza Hut. So much for healthy huh? I’ll pick it back up tomorrow. I did caramelize about 4 lbs of onions though, half for French Onion soup and the other half will be for anything I desire… on top of sandwiches, eggs, hash, toast and so much more. For some reason it just sounds wonderful. I have another 3 lbs to do tomorrow the same treatment but with peppers also. There’s so much I can do with mixtures like that. I have to remember to set some aside uncooked for fajitas early next week. Hmm, but caramelizing them would be fine too… I guess I”ll have to decide soon.

I think some of the reason I’m feeling blah is that I have a lot that I need to do and never feel that I have the time to do it. I’m not sleeping well, and not sleeping a decent amount. This puts a pressure on my time that already feels pressed. Tomorrow I have a lot of house chores to do as well as web work.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is better.

–luna

I’m still getting comfortable in my new domain. I’ve tried to think of ways that I can make this more than a blog, since it is my name site it can be anything that has to do with me, right? Maybe Master will allow me to put up picture galleries of naughty and fun pictures we’ve taken over the years. I think that could be interesting. Of course there are other things I can add to this blog to make it more personal and full of who I am. Anyone have any ideas of things they’ve done or would like to see here?

Now, as for my cold it’s mostly gone. I do have a heavy feeling in my chest that could end up being a cough when my body wants to clear it out. Right now I feel just …. heavy. Hopefully I will be able to get back to a regular routine tomorrow. I’m planning menus and working in how to get all the housework done that didn’t get done when I was sick so that the apartment is back to normal by Friday. I also have a lot of work I’d like to catch up on Submissive Guide too. This week is guest post week. If you want to post on Submissive Guide, let me know!

Master is still not 100%. He has a sinus headache that has lasted 4 days now. I’m worried. He gets better and then worse again. He’s missed a lot of work but I know that he will try to work through his headache. I don’t want to be him tomorrow if his head is still hurting.

I’m quite ready to get back to working on losing weight again. I hated that I had to stop for being sick. Get right back on that wagon I tell ya. The struggle will continue. I’m certain that with my efforts I will make progress, how’s that?

Master asked for better menu planning, full meals with 2 side dishes instead of just winging it. It’s been awhile since I’ve done that form of planning so I’m rusty but it also means I can dig out the cookbooks and get creative. I’ve been bored with food anyway. I enjoy reading danae’s meal plans and hopefully I can be as varied in dishes as she is. Certainly would find some yummy things to eat.

I’ve had Miss Abernathy’s Lessons sitting next to my computer for so long I need to get back into doing them. I know Master would agree. It would certainly help with our role establishing time. Let’s see if I can get them restarted this week?? I know that many of you were following along and miss it. I’m going to just pick up where I left off… somewhere along the lines of lesson 8.

I’ve been thinking of my best friend quite a lot lately… the one that won’t talk to me anymore. I wonder if I could try talking to her yet or if I should continue to wait. It’s been 2 months. Part of me says to let it go awhile and another part wants to desperately bring her back to me. I miss her so much. I’m making new friends, no doubt about that, but nothing can fill that void she left. I want someone nearby to hang out with, sit at Panera (or other wifi spot) for hours and just spend time around each other.

Someone other than Master ya know?

–luna

So…

Master has a sinus infection that has given him migraines the past two days.

I’ve been dealing with whatever type of cold he gave me that became the sinus infection for him. Needless to say we’ve both been laid up.

Master and I have different desires when we are sick. We’ve spent the nights in separate beds because when I’m sick I snore really badly and toss and turn; keeping Master up. He says he’s had the best night’s sleep on the futon in the living room. I sleep better with him in the bed with me, but with me being sick I don’t think my body notices. I like the room to be cool so that I can snuggle. Master prefers to be really warm. He hates noise, I don’t mind a fan.

I’ve been playing my video games and watching TV this whole week. I’m bored, I can’t think straight and I can’t wait for this illness to break. We are both just trying to survive and somehow the dishes are still getting done… mostly.

I’ve had to put the diet on hold due to being sick but I’m itching to get back going on it as soon as I’m able. I have a lot of friends supporting me on SparkPeople now that I don’t want to let down.

Well, I’m off for another night trying to breathe between coughs and runny nose. Gah. Yuck.

–luna

I’m not even as sick as I feel I am going to be. You know when you start to get sick but you have this sensation that it’s going to be worse in the morning? Yeah, I have that. I also have the example of watching Master go through it just 2 weeks ago. Today I can’t focus. Tomorrow I might not be able to get out of bed without feeling horrible. We’ll see.

Master and I are making progress. We are closer, I’m more agreeable (when I’m not sick that is) and I love the idea of living as his submissive forever.

I got an email back from my friend that I’m corresponding with. She said that she never saw me as anyone but a slave because of my manners and how I carry myself around Master. Kinda sweet actually. So really it’s my own restriction. I could be considered a slave if I let myself.

I’m not ready for that, but at least I know that others already consider me a slave.

I am certain that I’ll be able to think about this more when I’ m not sick.

–luna

I am getting sick. Master’s cold or whatever it was has passed on to me. Hopefully it doesn’t affect me as much as it did Master. I have a lot to do as always and hate having to succumb to illness.

We’ll have to see how it goes, I guess.

Last night Master and I had what we call an intensive. We focus and sink into our roles for a time and don’t have interference. Since it was our first one we didn’t do a whole lot, but talked about it. Master has goals and plans and I have to learn my expectations. What scares me is that Master has a sadistic side that I have not seen, one that he said he hasn’t even accepted as a part of him. It’s going to be quite difficult for me to receive what he is wanting to dish out when we do that. He described it as his desire to hurt me and make me take it. I know that I’m going to have to endure pain that I’ve not felt before. I’m very nervous by it; but I trust him to not harm me so I’m sure at some point we’ll make it to that level.

He said he’s not even okay with these feelings yet, so acting them out may take awhile. Being so pliable will be difficult for me. I use my security blanket of my ability to say no a bit too much, and during these intensives I am not allowed to say no. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to learn and accept.

It’s another step. We move closer in this and our foundation is solid.

–luna

Let’s start with the wonderful news. Dad will not have to have surgery! The infection has not gotten to the bones so he’s just have some intensive wound care for the next 4 weeks to get it healed up. I’m so happy!

This weekend I’m hoping that Master and I can get some play in. I’m starting to crave it. I’ve been craving ever since kaya started posting about her trip to SpankFest. She wrote something that really hit me true. She said that she’s not into pain (even though we see her go through a lot!) She said what gets her is that she’s made to take what he dishes. And I said yes, I totally agree. I think if I had this mindset and Master knew that too we’d have more intense play.

Ah here we go, I found the quote I was referring to above, “Pain hurts. I’ve never claimed to like pain, I only like being forced to take it.” I just love it. In fact I love it so much I’ve added it to my random quotes rotation at the top of my blog.

Master’s cold is down to just an awful annoying cough. I can’t wait to be able to kiss him again (we abstain when either of us gets sick just for that added protection). I told him I’d love to just high school make out when he’s better. I love kissing and god I can’t wait.

So back to the play, I’ve been a wimp lately when it comes to pain. I think it’s because we haven’t played in so long. I want more but I have to work up to it. Like a challenge. Hmm… maybe a fall challenge is in the works. I’ll have to talk to Master but maybe I can do something fun that you can follow along on here at the blog. Along the lines of a pain tolerance challenge where the goal is to increase endurance or intensity or both.

–luna

My father has called me to tell me he is having surgery tonight/tomorrow morning for a diabetic leg ulcer that he let get really bad. He ignored it during the bereavement of my step mother and from what I’ve been told by S. it’s been getting noticably worse for months. He has a high likelihood of losing his leg.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to drive out there again right now. I feel really helpless. Every other time he’s gone under general anesthesia his heart has stopped and they’ve had to jolt him back. There is a small likelihood that I could lose my father in the next few days if it happens again and they can’t bring him back.

I’m scared of the burden I will have if they take his leg. He won’t be able to move around at all, he won’t be able to work, he’s be permanently disabled and reliant on a lot of people. What am I going to do? Do I beg for money for travel to go help him? Do we move out there?

I know I just need to wait to see what happens. It’s the waiting that is killing me.

UPDATE: Dad has an MRI and tests tomorrow to see how deep the ulcer goes. Dr says it’s likely he’ll lose at least one toe, maybe more and could be part of his foot too. If the infection is in the bone however, that means they have to take the whole leg up to the hip. *sigh* Let’s hope for just a few toes shall we?