A couple of you think that my relationship is doomed because of my thoughts and what I think is going on in the last post (few posts) and while I don’t have to explain why I blog, I feel I should now.
This is my dump zone. I whine and complain and bitch. I stress out, I struggle with things and I talk bad about Master. In fact he told me yesterday that I do paint a him in a pretty bad light, but he doesn’t care what other people think as long as I don’t think that way. He knows the purpose of this blog and understands. I know I do. To you all he must seem like a really mean man when in fact he quite fair, understanding and knows me more than I know myself.
We also had another talk last night about my concerns I voiced on this blog and I’m certain that we can keep moving that circle of power and I will feel my submission again. I’m to pick up my rules that I haven’t been doing and he’s going to go over them again and probably revise them to reflect the change in my working status. Along with the possible revision is his attention to if I’m doing them.
I like that he has made the decision for me to not work. It’s not a red flag. If I came to him with a real and valid reason why I wanted to work he would honor it. His desire to see me happy would make that decision for him. I have not approached him with a reason and I am happy that I can serve him in this way. It’s not easy but hell, nothing is.
He said that my crazy mood started when the really bad cramps started and not before; so he’s sure it’s period related. I’d like to hope so. I guess I’ll know when the red plague ends.
@thepinkpoppet – You are exactly right about the chaos play and the childhood abuse. He knows that the chaos is why I’m so scared and has NEVER pushed me to do something I wasn’t ready to do. He reiterated last night that nothing would happen until I was ready, and if that means I have a lot of mental work ahead, then he’s willing to wait.
@Catori – I’m still terrible at telling Master what I want and need. Some areas of my life are still stuck in the process of shifting to a more transparent state. I realize that it is my responsibility to tell him how I feel and what I need. We are reworking our relationship and have been for a while; that’s probably why the struggle is so apparent recently. As I said above, he would never push me to do anything I was not ready to do. I have no doubt that he will wait for me to say that I am ready.
@patricialynn – You are right, I’m very negative on my blog. It’s always been that way. I’ve lost readers in cycles because I tend to be a downer. I use this blog in a way that may be different than others. We have just as many good times as bad. But it’s the bad times I need to discuss, work out, vent about and struggle with. That’s why they end up here.
About not working outside the home. There are many submissives and slaves that do it. It is his direction that I am to serve him and his choice is that I do not work, but rather care for him and his house and whatever other needs he may have. He has mentioned several times of ‘loaning me out’ to volunteer for the local BDSM community but nothing has triggered that desire in him yet. Just like with everything else, I struggle with it because I’m not used to it – but it is a good fit for me.
@wendy – Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m sure that we will be able to work though this challenge just as we have the ones in the past.
@danae – Do you think the circle ‘crumbles’ because it’s time to move in a different direction? I often wonder if we started having the miscommunication issues when our relationship dynamic decided it was time to move one way or another and we missed the boat. We’ve both talked and will be working intensely to re-establish that circle so that we can continue the work we’ve started. Thank you.