Today I got up on time and did my exercise this morning. I felt good all day long because I had done that instead of putting it off. I know that if I had, I wouldn’t have done it. I’ve had 1800 calories today too; all good.
I don’t have a lot to say tonight I’ve realized. Master and I had an argument (thus the locked post below) but I think we are doing better now. If relationships were easy I don’t think people would be so picky to get what they want, they’d hop person to person.
Master means the world to me and I’ll do anything to make sure that he’s happy and that we work well together. The issues I currently have are with my own submission, and I’ve said several times before that I need to take my own advice that I write about so often. I know what I should be doing, but I’ve not done it. Master’s got issues with that, and right he should be.
I’ve got a long way to go, no doubt about it, and Master hasn’t given up on me yet; although I think he’s wanted to on occasion. That’s pretty committed I think. I’m sure we’ll just get closer as I mature and grow in my submission.
I’m not really submissive right now. I’ve not been a good girlfriend either. I’ve just not made the switch from grief to actual life again. I live the dream and yet I’m not living it. How in the world do people do it? Of course it’s hard to say for sure that the blogs I read and the people I look up to aren’t having similar problems. The beauty of blogging is that you can write about whatever you want. People could just keep the hard parts of their relationship out of the blog.
I’ve found a desire to learn how to sew lately. I think the fact that I own a sewing machine now has done it… and that I don’t have clothing that fits me. I looked up a tutorial on making a wrap around skirt and am going off of that for the one I’m making now. I’m even going to try to make it reversible so that I will get 2 skirts out of it. I will of course take pictures of it when I’m done which will be this weekend hopefully.
I never got around to starting that flogger, as the fabric called me instead. I really need to make the flogger as it was requested by someone and I’m sure I’ll see them sooner or later and they will want to know where it is. Perhaps I’ll feel like doing that this weekend too, after the skirt.
Master has been sick for the past few days. He’s got a cold that is weighing him down. He spent most of yesterday and today in the bedroom with his laptop just recovering. Hopefully he will get well soon as one thing I really miss when he’s sick is the kissing. Forehead kisses just aren’t the same.
I made a group on Sparkpeople for anyone interested in having a support system for weight loss. Send me an email and I’ll give you the link. It’s a private group so it’s invite only. Consider this your invite!
Went to the Dr today. He renewed my meds and we talked about how I’ve felt after the anti-depressant was out of my system. It turns out it was making me more fatigued. I’ve not had to nap since I stopped taking it. He’s put the sleep study on the back burner for now and we’ve got a game plan in place for the weight loss. He agreed to 1600 calories a day and getting up to 5 days a week of cardio to start the program. I don’t have to go back to see him for 6 months unless something comes up. Go me! I want to have at least 30 lbs lost by then…. 50 would be way cool but the top of my goal range.
Master got a Zeus Digital box for electroplay this week. Looks like a lot of fun. I can’t wait till my period is done so that we can test it out properly. The bit of play we’ve had so far is promising. It’s a learning curve of course. Anyone have any experience they want to pass on?
I’m still not 100% today. I woke up with a migraine that is still clinging to me. It doesn’t help that my period is major bad this time. Master isn’t doing so hot either. He’s been trying to work even though he feels icky. We are just a bunch of boring here today. I hate migraines (doubt anyone loves them)
Yesterday I went crazy and used a coupon code that I got from ExtremeRestraints.com to buy something they had on overstock. I saved over $50! Tomorrow we will be getting a digital electrosex box from Zeus and a few attachments to make it fun of course. Master can’t wait to play with it. We’ll see how much excitement we can get from it. He’s always been curious to do electroplay and I know that we want a violet wand some day. This is just another step into our advance play dreams. He’ll likely read all the material he can find and get all the practice in so that he becomes skilled in no time.
I have a flogger I need to make for a friend of mine that I’ve not done yet. I think, if I feel up to it tomorrow I might crank that out. Shouldn’t take me more than tomorrow to complete. I really should get back to crafting things. I feel good when I make something out of nothing. I have some ideas of what to do with the fabric I received from Kathy too. Working on a shirt for a bit of it, and I have plans for a skirt to wear this fall/winter too.
My jeans have holes in the crotch, why is that always the spot that wears first? I went to look for new jeans and Lane Bryant changed their measuring style. I have no clue what I should get. I think I need to try them on to find out. I feel horrible that most of my clothing currently doesn’t fit. I’ve gotten that big. I’ve not been talking about my diet efforts because there hasn’t been any effort. I know what I should be doing, I just haven’t done it. I’ve got plans, but I’m going to talk to my Dr first on Friday. We’ll see what happens when I come out of that appointment.
You know I’ve been waffling about really sticking to a diet and a number of you have written me saying just do it already and stop complaining. You know what – a diet won’t work if you aren’t ready. Obviously I’ve not been ready. I’m tired of not having clothing that fits though so I really have to get going. That should be my push — to fit into clothing that doesn’t fit anymore.
So, why help me out? I’m looking for someone who needs to lose a lot of weight that needs a buddy. Someone I can be accountable to and make friends with. Someone not on a paid diet plan, but doing it themselves. If you are interested, shoot me an email.
This has been a busy weekend.
Friday my mother came to visit. I don’t really want to talk about it a lot but she basically gave me the perception that she owes me something (probably from absent mother syndrome). Master commented that he’s glad he trained a few of those bad behavior traits out of me. (!)
Saturday we went to Des Moines to see an old friend of mine that got back in touch with me via FetLife. It was wonderful. We had fun just talking and enjoying time together. Then Master and I went on to the Fair. It was pretty good. I wished I had more time, so next year if we get to go I want to be there all day. I enjoy the free entertainment the most, but the food is fun too.
Sunday we spent the day with another friend, Lexi. We had lunch, walked around the mall, visited a few other friends and then had dinner. It was a pleasant time for me and a social overload for Master.
Today we are exhausted and I think I caught a flu or something. I feel horrible. I’m icky feeling. Hopefully I’ll recover enough soon to do what Master has been waiting 4 days for.
That’s right, a blow job. Kinda a constant thing on this blog isn’t it? I should find a ticker and stick it on the side.
This is most likely going to be a random thought vomit type of post. I apologize in advance.
I offered to get lunch for Master and myself today. It’s something I do occasionally but this time I had a great feeling a I drove to pick up subs. A sense of accomplishment and service. My emotions have been all wacky lately for a number of reasons but this day had a wonderful piece of happiness to it. I know that only good things can come from trying it over and over.
I called my mother because the last time I knew she was coming up to visit today. Well her plans changed and she changed it to Friday without telling me. Thanks for the stress mom and no, I guess I’m not doing anything on Friday. I haven’t seen her for 6 years because of a falling out. Why not make it another 2 days.
I’m not going to do pay services on Submissive Guide. You have all spoken and I realize that I don’t have the experience or expertise necessary. I will continue just offering my advice as I have been and find other ways of making money while staying at home. I’ve beefed up on reading for professional blogging and tactics to help ‘teach’ what you want to. I’m also looking into optional ad markets.
Has anyone explored Google Scholar or Google Books? They are way cool! I was doing some looking around for BDSM related materials and found a couple interesting things to read. The books aren’t full views, but the amount of preview I got on one of them was enough to get some interesting thoughts going. Gotta love another free way to find knowledge that might help myself and others explore who they are. I’m sure I’ll be sharing what I find when I continue to write for Submissive Guide.
People on Fetlife are judging me without even knowing me. Okay so I’ve not had 20 years of BDSM experience but the viewpoints and opinions I do have can help people. The people say that since I don’t have a degree in therapy or haven’t yet had classes in lifecoaching that I shouldn’t try to be a mentor to submissives. And yet I see it all the time.
I asked for people to give me their input into having online courses that people would pay a small fee to access. Practically a resounding hell no, why would we pay for something we can get for free? Um, people do it all the time.
I’m looking to start a life coach business attached to Submissive Guide but let me tell you that all the crap I’ve heard today makes me want to not do that. I don’t know why I let people get to me and Master says I need to not take things so personally. I just do, that’s the way I am.
So, 5 years of intense, immersed living doesn’t graduate me out of novice status into a more experienced role. *sigh* BDSM isn’t rocket science, you don’t need a degree to be a good listener and be able to communicate your thoughts well.
Submissive Guide has grown to be twice as large as The Iron Gate and even larger still than this blog. People are reading it and enjoying it. I just want to turn it into a business. I’m so irked at how people judge without thinking.
Am I really not ‘qualified’ to help submissives fresher on the path than I am?
Here I am again in front of a blank screen trying to come up with something to say about the progress with our relationship or just how the day went. Amazingly, I always have something to say even when I feel like I have nothing to say.
Today was an okay day, yesterday was better. I was a bit cranky for no reason whatsoever when I came home from Panera working on SubmissiveGuide. What made it hard for Master was that I denied that I was in a bad mood.
Then dinner was a flop so we went out for fast food (plan B).
Yesterday must have been really good because Master has mentioned that he was proud of me for how I behaved yesterday. Sure I could regale what made yesterday but I’m not 100% sure how to repeat the performance or what made my day so good for Master. Anyway, it was a good day.
If Master’s paycheck is in the mail tomorrow we’ll be going to the Iowa State Fair. If not, I’ll be working tomorrow as hard as I can. I’d rather go to the fair, but Master figures it will be here this week if not tomorrow so we still have time to make it there. I love the fair but it’s been over 6 years since I last went.
I’ve started using SparkPeople.com again for food logging. I tend to waffle but we’ll see how well I do.
I completely forgot how it felt to not have anything to write about but be required to write anyway. Ah yes, this is how it feels.
Today was a crummy day. I felt off, like I really didn’t know what to do with myself and was completely not interested in a lot of anything. I didn’t want to be at home, but I didn’t know what to do with myself away from home either. I spent a few hours at Panera today and I really didn’t do anything. I watched some internet TV and just surfed the net. It was quite nice to be away from home though.
I was so snappy with Master and he was nice enough to just remind me that I’ve had an attitude. I guess I could have gotten in trouble, and there’s no saying that I won’t later for being horrible to him. I really need to work on adjusting my behavior around him. It’s just not right.
So why am I behaving this way? Am I wanting to get in trouble? What do I expect the gain? Where did my submission go? I think it’s time to find my way deep into my service and figure it out.
On to other things… Master wants me to start the Miss Abernathy lessons back up again. I’ll have to reread the book but I think I can get going on it again.Hopefully I’ll learn something from them that will help our relationship thrive in peaceful bliss.
I’ve always wondered if doing them on Submissive Guide in some way would be helpful. And then, I’d have to change them enough so that I wasn’t infringing on copyright too. I’m going to have to read up on how changed it needs to be before I can use them.
Last night Master decided that he was going to make me come. Now that’s not unique in itself and at first I thought it was going to take awhile but once he got in the groove I was feeling it coming together.
You know those deep belly feelings when the orgasm is building, something that tells you it’s going to be a good one if you can just hang on. It’s a slow build and as it keeps coming it also quickly fades if the sensation changes just slightly. Oh it was delicious torment, trust me. I wanted his fingers inside me but didn’t want him to stop what he was doing or lose his spot so I said nothing. I just felt my pussy quiver with nothing to pulse around. When it crept the to edge I came hard, it was a wavelike orgasm.
But he didn’t stop rubbing. I wanted him to stop but also didn’t. You know that feeling girls, don’t you? It’s too much but then you realize that it isn’t. I was creeping towards another orgasm. This time his hands inside me would have been too much so I’m glad I didn’t speak up before. I peaked relatively quickly and it was wonderful.
I begged for a 30 second reprieve when I realized he wasn’t stopping again. He gave me 15 or so. I was counting. This time It was a painful orgasm. You know the ones that make you think that it’s right there on the very surface of your skin and it caused me to shiver and tremble. I’d tense and relax and not find a comfortable spot to lay. I kept apologizing or moving. And I came again. It was so sharp I’m sure I yelped through that one.
Again he didn’t stop. And something changed in the feelings in my pussy. I’ll try to describe it. It’s like as he rubs I’m still coming but not quite. I’m sitting on the edge and yet climbing to a new high. By then my heart was pounding a mile a minute and my hands were clenched in the sheets. Master was laying there working his magic and I wanted him to just keep going, it wa OMG good. It took awhile and my asking him to rub lighter, then harder just to find the right way to get over the edge. I felt this urge to have him hold me, to feel him close but had my eyes so tight shut that I couldn’t even look at him let alone ask for anything. And over I went. This wave was intense. One of the most intense I have had.
He kept rubbing. I was then able to voice that I needed him to hold me, let me wrap my arms around him and feel him close. He came up to my head and I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my face into his shoulder as he went back rubbing. It was just as high intensity and I was going out of my mind with the way I was feeling. I was almost crying as I came again, bucking under him and holding him so close. It was bliss. It was spiritual and I was with my god. I don’t think Master could understand the feelings I felt or the sensation of out of body heavenliness.
My pussy aches today and not all of it is because of the sore clit. It’s not all bad and I still twitch when I think of it.
I don’t even really remember the blow job I know I gave him afterwards, or the sex that followed. I was still in my orgasmic heaven where everything was an orgasm waiting to happen. Oh the bliss.
It was pouring outside as we drove home from the store tonight. Master got all quiet and when I asked him what was going on he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. I reminded him that if it were me that that response wouldn’t fly.
He opened up a little and said that he feels that we are still out of balance and that we aren’t going anywhere. I’m forcing him to do everything and not doing any of it myself. I ask him to help push me to do things I need to do and then also push me to do the things he wants me to do. He’s tired of constantly pushing and I need to take some initiative to do some of this work myself.
I agreed. I’m not pulling my weight in this relationship repair and I need to step up to the plate.
The odd thing is that I have thoughts that are so fleeting of things that I should be doing or want to be doing that I know would make him happy and instead I don’t act on them. Honestly, I can’t explain why. Sometimes he gets this look that makes me want to kneel in front of him and kiss his feet. I don’t do it. Other times he makes me want to flash him or tease him or please him in some way, and yet I don’t act.
I have other moments too, moments of rebellion and I seem to listen to those more than the good thoughts. I just can’t figure out why. I love making him smile but lately he’s not smiling often.
I’ve lost the sizzle and excitement that I felt in the beginning of my BDSM explorations. The ones that made everything fun and exciting and worth trying because it turned me on. Now I don’t know. It just doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong I don’t not enjoy it when it happens, but I’ve lost most of the desire to initiate it. I dream about it, fantasize about it but to make it happen would have to come from him. A responsibility that we should be sharing.
I love the idea of having to wear rope while doing my chores, or getting back into butt plug wearing at night. I miss the cuffs ritual we had at night now that I wear braces. I long for more play activities during my everyday. I’m home all the time now and I thought that it would actually increase. Perhaps it still will. I’ve been depressed for so long but now that the meds are being removed I think I’ll be fine. I still have a sleep study to get through but I know that can help make a positive shift in my mood.
Incorporating more stimulating things into my day may be a way to keep the negative rebellious thoughts at bay. I want to serve, I feel drawn to serving Master completely and can’t understand my lazyiness to do the things that would make us both happy. That’s got to change.
Balance must be restored.
I’ve spent the past couple of days having sex or smelling of sex and boy has it been great! I’ve been very hot and horny for Master lately and while I can’t explain it I don’t want it to end either.
Today I flashed Master a number of times while we were out shopping. I got so excited by that the juices were dripping down my thighs. At one point Master whispered in my ear that he could smell me and to not get too close to people or they would too. That made me blush bright red I’m sure. I’ve just not been that turned on in a long long time.
It might be because I’m more frisky myself. I loved walking up to Master last night and pulling him to me and kissing him, touching him everywhere and luring him into the bedroom for more attention and fucking. I reveled in hearing him moan and enjoy what I was doing to him. I wanted some in return. It was so hot!
Master has been giving me so much pleasure, I’m so spoiled! The orgasms he can rip from my body are so intense and the sensation of his cock while he fucks me is out of this world. Our sex is still the best we could ever have. It just never gets bad.
This weekend we keep planning all sorts of things and then changing them. I know Master wants to try fireplay again so we’ll probably do that. It’s less strenuous than other play and he’s exhausted from the fun we’ve been having. I’m nervous about fireplay but I’m sure Master will do his best to relax me before hand. We are going to start out with it on my back so that the visual doesn’t freak me out. He’s also going to tie me down so that I don’t try to kick him again and almost catch him on fire like last time. I’m certain I’m ready to try it again through and am glad that he is too.
During the munch Master and I attended on Saturday there was a lively discussion on Master/slave relationships. I find it quite interesting to hear what people consider to be M/s vs. D/s. The presenter gave a description that to me sounded exactly the same. Description was like the slave has no limits other than those of the Master, safewords may not be used and there is a symbiosis between the two that makes it work. I’ve read in a book on protocols recently the author’s view was one I really liked. It said that D/s was the exchange of power, whereas M/s is the exchange of authority. Sounds good to me.
Master had a lot of wonderful things to say during the discussion and was even suggested that he had a bit of old guard and old fashioned beliefs. It was pretty complimentary to him, and appeared surprising to the people who said it because Master is so young. I guess they didn’t expect to hear the those thoughts from someone so young. Master has always had old style beliefs and it has attracted me numerous times.
Personally I’m really not sure how I would define an M/s relationship. I do see one difference being that slaves are human property. That doesn’t make them subhuman or nonhuman to me. An owner/property relationship is what I class as that. I believe that slaves have given over their rights to make any decisions on their own and do not have the ability to say no or question the Master.
Some of the things that I do for Master or my own behavior people have assumed I am a slave. I am not. I identify as a submissive and am happy with that identity right now.
Today, Master mentioned wanting to get experience in a few play activities that we’ve attempted but not gotten any further or new ones. He said he’d like to have basic skills in a lot of play activities while he is still young so that he can master them as he gets older. He brought up caning, cupping, fire-cupping, and fireplay. I mentioned violet wands. So, more play and facing fears is in my future.
I love that he wants to learn a whole bunch of things and that means that our play will be exciting and new every single time. I can’t wait to get started.
- Family is …
Fading in and out of my life. Members I haven’t talked to in years are planning to visit and ones I’ve talked to frequently are silent and fading from view.
- Friends are
Everywhere but here. I have so many long distance friends, but no one to grab a bite with or walk around the mall. It’s hard feeling lonely with all the friends I have.
- Exes are good
Examples of who not to marry, mistakes to never make again and losers.
Are always talking to me. It’s usually friendly banter and something that is normal here in Iowa. I had a couple in the cold and flu aisle approach me as I was shopping for meds for Master. They ‘helped’ me find a med for his symptoms. It was funny. Strangers around here are always doing that.
- Relationships are strongest when both people work really hard to keep them. I hate the current ebb and flow I’m experiencing.
I dreamed of spending time with my best friend last night. Woke up sad but finally not crying about it. I don’t want to move on, she is still very important to me even if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I just have to find a way to do that and not feel bad.
Morning went by uneventful. I did Master’s chores and then tired out. I just have no energy right now. About lunch time Master wanted to go get some more Naruto Manga so we went to the book store. He was able to pick up 4 more volumes. I still felt sad about my dreams and then also realized that today is the one month anniversary of Kathy’s death and I felt worse.
I really want to be through grieving but I feel that I’m going to be stuck with it for quite awhile. I appreciate the kind words I keep getting and they are helping me get through things. I’ve put Kathy’s things away till I’m ready to start using them to craft things. Trust me I have ideas.
Yesterday Master did some breast bondage. He did the cupcake harness, coined because it’s used on large breasted women where the mammaries end up looking like cupcakes It’s a wonderful feeling. Then Master took me into the bedroom to fuck me on all fours, pressing my wrapped tits into the bed. Delicious indeed! When that was done Master wanted to leave marks so he bit and sucked on each one till a great big mark appeared.
I do so much writing on SubmissiveGuide that I am finding it hard to come up with things here, and now that I have my blog requirement I get to come up with things to say more often.