Last night Master and I had a huge discussion. I’ve had a very bad attitude this week and he said he is still mad at me for lying and is upset that I seem to show no remorse for it this week. He explained that last week was better and I was more submissive then. Ok, so first I am still feeling guilty as all get out because of the extent of my lying. But this week I had a goal to try to start repairing the damage of the eating disorder so the horrible feelings of sadness for lying and for being punished has been pushed behind that.
He doesn’t understand that part and I guess that’s fine. He said I don’t seem to be acting like I’m in trouble (asking to look at special items at the store, planned purchases, etc). I really don’t want to be moping around and making my depression worse, but he seems to think that would make him feel better I guess.
The struggle to find my submission right now is a separate matter. I’ve been dealing with a huge case of Submissive PMS. I’ve not been able to get away to fix it since going to Panera for work day is not allowed with my punishment. I think I used it as a break from being around each other all day all the time. I am submissive but I just can’t show it all the time. I’m not sure he can comprehend that.
Again we’ve been arguing and testy with each other, almost to the point of fury I think about some of the smallest things.
I just don’t know how he wants me to act while punished, that is until last night. He appears to want me to mope around, not ask for anything and be so very submissive; more than I really am. I’m just so frustrated right now about the whole thing. The man can’t make up his mind about what to have for dinner, but he knows how he wants me to act and doesn’t tell me before we have an upset. Gah!
So yeah I am still in trouble. I can’t check my email or view websites that aren’t my blog or work related for Submissive Guide. I can’t sit on any of the furniture I want to and I’m supposed to feel horrible for a long time about lying to him about my eating disorder for a bit more.
I think I can do the depression, it’s easy for me to slip into depressive states right now, so if he wants to promote one I can do it.
–luna
Possibly related posts:
I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
Tom's cunt (8)
Kayla (7)
WhippedBlade (7)
Jessie Beth (6)
raven (5)
kethry (4)
anonymouse (3)
mr J (3)
patricialynn (3)
pet angel (3)
My two cents says that depression coupled with an eating disorder screams for professional help, so I hope you are getting counseling.
Thanks for the recommendation but I hate professional help. I’ve been to therapists throughout my life and wind up worse because of them. “Then you aren’t seeing the right one.” I’ve heard that a million times. I’ve just given up on it. I can and have recovered from this eating disorder before; I just relapsed due to the stress I’ve been under in the past 6 months.