I’m worn out today. This week has been really busy. Full of chores and work and Dr’s appts. Tomorrow Master and I hope to go to a munch further south, one that promises to be a bit larger and perhaps we will fit in there. We’ll have to see. The last time we went to this group it was for a bondage workshop in a park. This one is just a munch with a discussion topic.

Then, hopefully we will do nothing on Sunday but rest, fuck and maybe play. Ya know, the good stuff because Monday it all starts up again. Fucking would be good and I owe Master a few sex related things too from when I was feeling good. We’ve been in the blahs for about 5 days now. I want my mojo back!

I found out how much the sleep study is going to cost us if I can’t get insurance or financial aid. We have to come up with 1500 up front and then we can pay the rest (another 1500) in payments. Ugh. Well, that means we have to wait for my sleep study. That’s a lot of money to try to find all at once. Master is really stressed about it because the next thing on the list of things to save for was his computer and now he’s pushed this to the top.

I’m trying for health insurance again. If I get denied I found out that my state has a public insurance plan that I can get because I’ve been denied elsewhere. I just need the denial letter (and I threw out the others). Sounds like it’s possible to get the public health insurance because it’s not the same plan as the low income plan. We’ll have to see. If that fails, the hospital that my Dr is at has a financial assistance program that could help me pay for the cost of the sleep study and further follow-up visits too. I’ve not given up.

–luna

I’ve been rather productive lately. It’s been a sigh of relief that Master’s paycheck showed up in time to pay some bills that were getting by erdue. I’ve also been able to get a few things to improve Master’s home and my comfort in it as well. Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll have the bedroom cleaned up and organized again like I’d prefer it to be. The living room is next on the organized list.

I feel so good to be able to get so much done every day. I think Master is happy with it also. Now to just stir my sexual emotions a bit too and he will be one pleased man. I’ve been so non-sexual lately that I think he thinks I forgot how to be sexy and desire sex. I want sex, I just don’t have a desire to try to get it… if that makes sense. Master isn’t going to show interest because I’ve been so off about it. I guess we are at a standstill.

I’m to exercise when I’m done writing this. It’s pretty late but I wasn’t reminded and didn’t remember. It just wasn’t on my mind at all (not a surprise). Hopefully I can do 30 mins again today. I’d like to increase it past 3 days a week after I can actually do 3 days a week

There are still my sad moments. I’ve noticed them coming to me more and more while in the car alone, or in the early part of the morning when I’m up before Master. I miss the people that meant so much to me that I’ve lost one way or another. It’s just so hard. So hard.

–luna

I spoke with my Mother yesterday. She’s planning a trip around Iowa and stopping by my house. I’ve not seen my Mother in 7 years. I’ve been talking to her again so I guess it was time to see her again. She’s coming with my sister for lunch next month. I’m nervous. Thankfully with it being on my turf I can feel a bit more comfortable.

I’ve been constantly thinking about the best friend I lost. I’m in denial about it really. I keep hoping that she’ll forgive me at some point in the future and try to contact me… a year from now or whatever. I hurt really bad and feel so depressed. I just wish my mind would stop going back to her.

I asked Master not to relax his roles and to make sure I’m doing what he wants from me even though I’m in another grieving period (on top of the other 2 I’m going through). He said he feels horrible reminding me to do things when I’m feeling bad but he’s doing it. I’m grateful that he is. I need his stability. I also need his attention. He’s giving both in full measures.

I’m really hapy with how our relationship is growing back together. I know that we can get back to where we were and even further. Master told me he knows what he’d like to train in when we’re back on track fully. I’m pretty excited. It means the future is in front of us and he can see it.

I’ve not been in a really good work mode lately either which means that SubmissiveGuide has been lacking in time spent on it. I’m just not in a mood to write and hopefully I can get that back soon.

Tomorrow is our munch. It is the last one. We are closing our group. No one from the local area really showed an interest in the activities and while we love teaching and providing educational opportunities it’s just not cost effective for us anymore in time or money. Perhaps in the future we will come up with a way to continue to teach without having to hold a social group in an area that obviously doesn’t need one.

–luna

I have just lost my best friend from childhood because of something I did while visiting her after my step mother died. I’m not going to rehash what I did or said, but in truth it was unforgivable and because of this, she has decided to no longer be my friend.

I feel like a part of me has died and honestly if I were alone I think I would die. Master is staying close to me. I’m afraid of being alone for the pain to come back or for my strong desire not to feel the pain.

I have no friends now; no one to understand me, to confide in, to hang out with or talk for insane amounts of time. Master says we’ll find more friends. Perhaps I’ll even find someone I feel as connected to as the one I lost. Only time will tell.

Right now I feel as if someone has died (and that feeling is still raw so that’s probably why I feel it). The break up is all my fault. Twenty-five years of friendship destroyed in a single weekend.

Who would want to be my friend now?

–luna

Today was a first test in making sure our negotiations are taking hold. I got up this morning and made Master’s coffee while on the phone with my sister. I remembered I still had the credit card in my purse from last night and took it out and placed it on Master’s desk. Then I sat down and made a to do list for chores I wanted to get done that day including the ones that Master mentioned the night before that had to be done. My goal was to get them done before lunchtime.

After Master got up I served him his coffee in the manner I am supposed to instead of just placing his mug and leaving. I felt good for remembering that piece of service. Off to cleaning work I went. I got the kitchen cleaned and the dishes done. Master set a new standard of cleanliness in the kitchen and I had a bit of work to accomplish it, but I’m almost there. The sink hadn’t been cleaned in so long that to get it white I’m going to need to bleach it (which I don’t have right now). I also couldn’t mop the floor because I’m out of mopping pads for the swiffer. I considered hand scrubbing it but remembered the pain I was in last time I tried that and just decided that the mopping would have to wait till we got Master’s paycheck.

The rest of the cleaning went by smoothly. I didn’t get to the living room, but that’s going to be a huge chore in itself so I have it on the list for tomorrow’s chores.

I watched an excerpt of a cooking show that I love to watch and saw a recipe for some yummy veggie burgers. Inspired I asked Master if I could get the rest of the supplies to make them to freeze and eat later. He agreed and off to the store I went. I was excited to get them made and they look fantastic and smell good too. I will have one tomorrow for dinner while Master has burgers. I’ll let you know if they turn out as good as they look.

This afternoon I got to go to Panera for a couple of hours to get some Submissive Guide work done. I need to get my proxy set up on the laptop again so that I can access FetLife from there though so some of my work was left undone and on the to do list for tomorrow as well. It felt good to get so much done today.

Dinner wasn’t a hassle like it used to be. I didn’t hate making it, I didn’t want something differnet and I didn’t question whether Master would eat it or not. It just was there. Odd I know it seems, but dinner really was a sticking point for us so many days that I was glad that it could just get done.

Master had to remind me to do my exercise and I replied snippy which I regret. He was doing his job, I don’t know why I had to reply that way. I got up right away and did it though. No use putting it off. I did 20 mins of WATP. Wednesday I hope to do 30.

Then I gave Master a blowjob. It turned out great. Honestly before I approached him I had this bout of internal argument that I didn’t want to do it, but he had it coming (he had asked for it when my hands felt better) and I was honestly fine now so I could do it. I sat down in front of him and the negative thoughts disappeared. I just wanted to have fun. I wanted to make him make a lot of noise and boy did he. I love hearing him enjoy himself. It’s such a delight.

All in all I think today has gone really well. I’ve done everything he asked me to, almost everything on my to do list for the day and even a bit of work got done too. I feel good, I’m happy and other than a bit of fatigue for not taking my sleeping meds last night I think I feel good too.

Oh and I weighed in at 348. That’s down 3 lbs from last time I weighed before I left for Virginia. And I’m on my period so I’m almost certain that it will go down more for next week. I’m going to start tracking my food again so if you follow my diet page I’ll have that updated soon enough. Tomorrow I hope. Perhaps even tonight I can remember some of what I ate today to fill it out.

–luna

My step mom’s memorial on Saturday was really hard.

In the morning we went to the church to set up the table that would serve as a place of remembrance. Dad placed each item on the table himself crying all the while. There were beautiful quilts, baskets, fabric crafts of all sorts, pictures of Kathy and Sage and Dad and Kathy and so many other lovely things. All things that she had made herself. Kathy’s remains were placed in one of the bags that she lovingly made of all of us for Christmas gifts. It was perfect in size as if it was meant to hug and hold her remains. It was purple and had kitties on it. She rested slightly above the table next to a picture of Dad and Kathy on their wedding day. Around the table Dad had placed potted plants that would become her memorial garden from the nursery she worked at before she died. It was all so beautiful and everything I remember about Kathy could be pulled from the table.

I cried all day long. The program was beautiful, sharing steps in her life that touched others and honoring her artist’s heart by listing what she had mastered; basketweaving, photography, quilting, teddybear making, gardening and a few others I can’t remember right now. Next to the programs Dad had placed one of Kathy’s baskets with scraps of quilting fabric so that you could take a piece of Kathy’s fabric to remember her. It was beautiful.

That evening at the memorial we sat in front and I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the seat or look around at the other grievers. I was told there were about 20 there. The eulogy by the Hospice Pastor made me cry so hard, ti was like she was telling a tale about Kathy and I was right in it. She KNEW Kathy and I didn’t want her to stop telling the story of Kathy’s life. There was a wonderful man then that sang a song acapella. His voice was beautiful and wonderful and glorious.

Kathy’s celebration of life was touching and I will always have a part of her in my heart and now in my fingertips. I was given Kathy’s sewing machine and all of the fabric she left behind for crafting. I will learn how to make thing with her fabric. I feel that would honor her and keep her close to me.

I wish I had told Kathy that I loved her. I know she knew but I could never bring myself to saying it out loud. I had always kept my distance because I didn’t know how to handle my own feelings about her. She was my mother when my own mother failed me. She was a friend when I needed one and a protective sheild from my father’s harsh words. And now, every year I will celebrate her love and her life with fireworks.

I will miss you Kathy. I love you.

Each person deals with death and grieving in their own way. I know this. My dad is doing whatever it is he needs to to process the loss of his wife. Something that happened today is angering me and I feel it’s outside my boundaries to do anything about it.

We picked up my step mother’s ashes today. They are kept in a small box, in a canvas bag from the cremetory. I drove so that Dad could carry Kathy in his lap or something. Instead he placed her on the floor at his feet.

Then we went to lunch before going home. We asked if Kathy was coming in with us and he said ‘no I’m not bringing her in there’ and instead locked her remains in the trunk.

Once we did get home, her ashes, still in the canvas bag, went under the table just inside the door where a mountain lion picture used to hang. He went off to return some calls and I thought perhaps he’d come back and place her somewhere in honor. Instead he requested a nap and I spirited my Aunt away to give my dad some time alone, which I thought he needed.

We arrived back at his house after he had gone to bed and as soon as I stepped in to see my Aunt goodnight I noticed the bag and box hadn’t moved. Kathy was still sitting under the table in the entryway.

I’m angry, very upset. I want her placed somewhere special, she doesn’t deserve to sit under the table where you place things you don’t know what to do with.

And then I wonder if that is what she is right now. Something Dad doesn’t know what to do with or how to handle her remains or isn’t ready to.

Either way, I would be treating her differently. I loved her and can’t imagine her just sitting somewhere collecting dust and not honored in some way. I don’t know if her wishes were to be scattered somewhere or what but right now I’m just angry she’s not where I think she should be.

My Aunt said I should move her if I don’t want her there, but I feel it would anger and upset my father that I crossed a boundry. He’s been funny about anyone touching anything in the house or moving anything.

The memorial tomorrow is going to be so hard. I don’t want her gone, but holding her in my lap on the way home from the lunch was so precious to me and yet so very real. She’s not here anymore and it’s not fair.

–luna

I’m not sleeping at all. I don’t feel sleepy and when I lay down I just cry. The sadness is horrible. I think I have most of the plans for my travels in place. I need to do laundry so that I have clothes and he has towels and get groceries for Master so that he doesn’t starve while I am away. I leave Wednesday and will be returning the following Thursday. Dad is holding a memorial on Saturday and I hope that I will be able to resolve my need for goodbyes then.

I’m worried about so much and depressed otherwise. I’ve dealt with an upset stomach all day yesterday, I go from furious hunger to disinterest in food. I can’t make decisions easily and am just utterly griefed. I’m trying to decide if I should call my Dr for something to help me sleep. Master says that OTC stuff will work fine; I just have to make sure I don’t take it too much.

I don’t know what I need to do for myself to say goodbye yet.

–luna