July 2009

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Worn Out

I’m worn out today. This week has been really busy. Full of chores and work and Dr’s appts. Tomorrow Master and I hope to go to a munch further south, one that promises to be a bit larger and perhaps we will fit in there. We’ll have to see. The last time we went to this group it was for a bondage workshop in a park. This one is just a munch with a discussion topic.

Then, hopefully we will do nothing on Sunday but rest, fuck and maybe play. Ya know, the good stuff because Monday it all starts up again. Fucking would be good and I owe Master a few sex related things too from when I was feeling good. We’ve been in the blahs for about 5 days now. I want my mojo back!

I found out how much the sleep study is going to cost us if I can’t get insurance or financial aid. We have to come up with 1500 up front and then we can pay the rest (another 1500) in payments. Ugh. Well, that means we have to wait for my sleep study. That’s a lot of money to try to find all at once. Master is really stressed about it because the next thing on the list of things to save for was his computer and now he’s pushed this to the top.

I’m trying for health insurance again. If I get denied I found out that my state has a public insurance plan that I can get because I’ve been denied elsewhere. I just need the denial letter (and I threw out the others). Sounds like it’s possible to get the public health insurance because it’s not the same plan as the low income plan. We’ll have to see. If that fails, the hospital that my Dr is at has a financial assistance program that could help me pay for the cost of the sleep study and further follow-up visits too. I’ve not given up.


Went to the doctor today to ask about my meds that I’m currently on. We decided that I don’t need to be on the anti-depressant anymore so I’m going to wean off of it. I got another blood test for my thyroid to make sure I’m at the right level for that med too. He is also checking my blood sugars and doing a basic panel to make sure I’m not anemic or anything.

Then we talked about the fact that I’m still exhausted early in the day and need a nap almost daily to keep going past 9pm. My snoring has increased and I’ve gained 10 lbs since my last visit. He is scheduling a sleep study for me to diagnose/rule out sleep apnea. I’m guessing I have it, but not really something I want to have. He said that once I get decent sleep I’ll feel more energy and my metabolism will work to my advantage and the progress I’m making lifestyle wise will result in weight loss.

He brought up bariatric surgery again and I turned him down again. It’s just not the way I want to live my life. I’m going to make these changes for myself, not because I have to since I’ve altered my internal organs. Energy is the key here; once I recover what I once had I know I can drop weight really quickly. I lost 45 lbs in 6 months just 2 years ago and now that it’s all back plus some I know I can do it again. He is willing to do a doctor assisted plan where we’d use meds and support to help me lose weight, but I’m not willing to do that until we know if I have sleep apnea and how that might help my personal progress.

I’m applying for medical assistance to pay for the sleep study. I’ve brought up before that I can’t get insurance because of my BMI. If I can get it under 40 I can try again. Right now it’s at 48. That means losing 55 lbs. Ultimately I want to get to around 30. This would be right at my personal goal of 220 lbs. It seems so far away through.

So, plan is to track my food intake daily with FitDay.com starting tomorrow (since I can’t remember what I ate this morning). I will try to exercise at least 15 mins every single day with strength training 2 times a week. That’s the start. Ultimately I want to do 5 hours a week of exercise. Not sure on calories; the doctor said not more than 2000 but I don’t think I go much over that now, so I might do 1800. I’ll update my weight loss page to reflect my new tasks.

Hopefully more energy is on the horizon.


I’ve been rather productive lately. It’s been a sigh of relief that Master’s paycheck showed up in time to pay some bills that were getting by erdue. I’ve also been able to get a few things to improve Master’s home and my comfort in it as well. Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll have the bedroom cleaned up and organized again like I’d prefer it to be. The living room is next on the organized list.

I feel so good to be able to get so much done every day. I think Master is happy with it also. Now to just stir my sexual emotions a bit too and he will be one pleased man. I’ve been so non-sexual lately that I think he thinks I forgot how to be sexy and desire sex. I want sex, I just don’t have a desire to try to get it… if that makes sense. Master isn’t going to show interest because I’ve been so off about it. I guess we are at a standstill.

I’m to exercise when I’m done writing this. It’s pretty late but I wasn’t reminded and didn’t remember. It just wasn’t on my mind at all (not a surprise). Hopefully I can do 30 mins again today. I’d like to increase it past 3 days a week after I can actually do 3 days a week :-P

There are still my sad moments. I’ve noticed them coming to me more and more while in the car alone, or in the early part of the morning when I’m up before Master. I miss the people that meant so much to me that I’ve lost one way or another. It’s just so hard. So hard.


This weekend was bittersweet. It was the end of our munch group. The small number of people that came out every month wasn’t enough to keep a group running and costing us financially. We admitted defeat quietly and didn’t tell everyone that the group would be closed after the munch. The people that did come out for our final munch were wonderful and I’m sure we’ll be talking on a personal level and getting together in small numbers just to remind ourselves that there are a few of us up here in the middle nowhere that have similar interests.

The pain of losing my best friend is still fresh on my mind and probably will be for a long time to come. I’m just learning to deal with it. Saying her name doesn’t bring uncontrollable tears to my eyes anymore, but it hurts. A sob gets stuck in my throat and I can hide that most times.

I miss my stepmother immensely. I’ve taken her sewing things that I was given and packed them safely in a tub until I can deal with them. There are at least 20 (might be closer to 40) already made quilt squares that I need to figure out what to do with to honor her memory. I thought about making pillows, or pillow shams, window valences, wall quilts, table runners, bed covers or duvet covers. I’m not ready to learn quilting but the fabric I got is beautiful and I’m sure I can do small fabric crafts to honor her and improve my home and for gifts. Even if it means to continue making the gift saks she gave Christmas gifts in I know that I would smile thinking of her while I did them. Right now though I feel that the sewing machine needs to stay in the closet.

Master and I are moving well into our new roles. I asked him how he thought things were going and he said he was happy with the progress. I am too and hope that we can continue to come back to one another and be who we truly want to be with each other. I feel so happy about my place in life at his side that I will do anything to stay there. The changes I’m going through are such an improvement on my old self that I don’t recognize myself sometimes.

We are talking of moving, have been for years but this year is going to be the year we save up for it and actually do it. We are looking for an area with an active community that we can become a part of and find happiness in. Master doesn’t want to live in a large town, but a burb wouldn’t be bad. I want a larger home, perhaps even up to a 3 bedroom apartment/house if we can find one in our rent price range (which is relatively small). It’s all a matter of economics.

I weighed in today at 348. That’s the same as last week. I’ll be able to go grocery shopping tomorrow and get some smarter options as far as food so I’m confident that we will be starting to get healthier. Master also makes me exercise which is a blessing and a curse. He’s not a tyrant, but I just hate exercising right now that I feel bummed when he tells me it’s time to exercise. I’ll feel better about it when I start building my endurance.

I’m hoping to get to 340 by the end of August.


I spoke with my Mother yesterday. She’s planning a trip around Iowa and stopping by my house. I’ve not seen my Mother in 7 years. I’ve been talking to her again so I guess it was time to see her again. She’s coming with my sister for lunch next month. I’m nervous. Thankfully with it being on my turf I can feel a bit more comfortable.

I’ve been constantly thinking about the best friend I lost. I’m in denial about it really. I keep hoping that she’ll forgive me at some point in the future and try to contact me… a year from now or whatever. I hurt really bad and feel so depressed. I just wish my mind would stop going back to her.

I asked Master not to relax his roles and to make sure I’m doing what he wants from me even though I’m in another grieving period (on top of the other 2 I’m going through). He said he feels horrible reminding me to do things when I’m feeling bad but he’s doing it. I’m grateful that he is. I need his stability. I also need his attention. He’s giving both in full measures.

I’m really hapy with how our relationship is growing back together. I know that we can get back to where we were and even further. Master told me he knows what he’d like to train in when we’re back on track fully. I’m pretty excited. It means the future is in front of us and he can see it.

I’ve not been in a really good work mode lately either which means that SubmissiveGuide has been lacking in time spent on it. I’m just not in a mood to write and hopefully I can get that back soon.

Tomorrow is our munch. It is the last one. We are closing our group. No one from the local area really showed an interest in the activities and while we love teaching and providing educational opportunities it’s just not cost effective for us anymore in time or money. Perhaps in the future we will come up with a way to continue to teach without having to hold a social group in an area that obviously doesn’t need one.



I have just lost my best friend from childhood because of something I did while visiting her after my step mother died. I’m not going to rehash what I did or said, but in truth it was unforgivable and because of this, she has decided to no longer be my friend.

I feel like a part of me has died and honestly if I were alone I think I would die. Master is staying close to me. I’m afraid of being alone for the pain to come back or for my strong desire not to feel the pain.

I have no friends now; no one to understand me, to confide in, to hang out with or talk for insane amounts of time. Master says we’ll find more friends. Perhaps I’ll even find someone I feel as connected to as the one I lost. Only time will tell.

Right now I feel as if someone has died (and that feeling is still raw so that’s probably why I feel it). The break up is all my fault. Twenty-five years of friendship destroyed in a single weekend.

Who would want to be my friend now?


Today was a first test in making sure our negotiations are taking hold. I got up this morning and made Master’s coffee while on the phone with my sister. I remembered I still had the credit card in my purse from last night and took it out and placed it on Master’s desk. Then I sat down and made a to do list for chores I wanted to get done that day including the ones that Master mentioned the night before that had to be done. My goal was to get them done before lunchtime.

After Master got up I served him his coffee in the manner I am supposed to instead of just placing his mug and leaving. I felt good for remembering that piece of service. Off to cleaning work I went. I got the kitchen cleaned and the dishes done. Master set a new standard of cleanliness in the kitchen and I had a bit of work to accomplish it, but I’m almost there. The sink hadn’t been cleaned in so long that to get it white I’m going to need to bleach it (which I don’t have right now). I also couldn’t mop the floor because I’m out of mopping pads for the swiffer. I considered hand scrubbing it but remembered the pain I was in last time I tried that and just decided that the mopping would have to wait till we got Master’s paycheck.

The rest of the cleaning went by smoothly. I didn’t get to the living room, but that’s going to be a huge chore in itself so I have it on the list for tomorrow’s chores.

I watched an excerpt of a cooking show that I love to watch and saw a recipe for some yummy veggie burgers. Inspired I asked Master if I could get the rest of the supplies to make them to freeze and eat later. He agreed and off to the store I went. I was excited to get them made and they look fantastic and smell good too. I will have one tomorrow for dinner while Master has burgers. I’ll let you know if they turn out as good as they look.

This afternoon I got to go to Panera for a couple of hours to get some Submissive Guide work done. I need to get my proxy set up on the laptop again so that I can access FetLife from there though so some of my work was left undone and on the to do list for tomorrow as well. It felt good to get so much done today.

Dinner wasn’t a hassle like it used to be. I didn’t hate making it, I didn’t want something differnet and I didn’t question whether Master would eat it or not. It just was there. Odd I know it seems, but dinner really was a sticking point for us so many days that I was glad that it could just get done.

Master had to remind me to do my exercise and I replied snippy which I regret. He was doing his job, I don’t know why I had to reply that way. I got up right away and did it though. No use putting it off. I did 20 mins of WATP. Wednesday I hope to do 30.

Then I gave Master a blowjob. It turned out great. Honestly before I approached him I had this bout of internal argument that I didn’t want to do it, but he had it coming (he had asked for it when my hands felt better) and I was honestly fine now so I could do it. I sat down in front of him and the negative thoughts disappeared. I just wanted to have fun. I wanted to make him make a lot of noise and boy did he. I love hearing him enjoy himself. It’s such a delight.

All in all I think today has gone really well. I’ve done everything he asked me to, almost everything on my to do list for the day and even a bit of work got done too. I feel good, I’m happy and other than a bit of fatigue for not taking my sleeping meds last night I think I feel good too.

Oh and I weighed in at 348. That’s down 3 lbs from last time I weighed before I left for Virginia. And I’m on my period so I’m almost certain that it will go down more for next week. I’m going to start tracking my food again so if you follow my diet page I’ll have that updated soon enough. Tomorrow I hope. Perhaps even tonight I can remember some of what I ate today to fill it out.


One of the big things I’m to work on with our new start is my setting restrictions on my service. Most of these are in the form of ‘I don’t feel like it, or I don’t want to’ but I know I’m also likely to put things off and that restricts my service too.

I know that I should be obedient. I know that when Master says he wants something done I should do it. He has my best interests at heart and while I know that at the time I don’t want to, they will not harm me. Most of what he requests that I tend to put limits on is sexual in nature. Just last night he suggested something and I said I didn’t want to do that; thus it didn’t happen. He was upset because I had again put limits on my service.

Why I wasn’t in the mood doesn’t matter. What I should have done is submitted to him. He asked me a bit later if that should have been a moment where he asserted his dominance and done one of the focusing rituals we discussed (pulling my hair or slapping my face). I said no, but now I’m not so sure. It’s so confusing to know what will work or what won’t. We are going to just have to try it and see how it works I guess.

I’m hoping that we can find a way to break my rebellion as far as sexual things go. That’s a huge thing for Master and I know that I want to please him. I have no real reason why I don’t do what he asks. I just don’t feel like it. How do you get over the don’t feel like it’s to do what you need to do without expressing that I don’t want to do it.

Is this just a growing pain? Will I get past the personal disinterest and just submit? What is keeping me from doing it to begin with?


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