I’m developing a double chin. I’ve been very lucky in the fact that I’m so overweight and yet I don’t have one. My face has just filled out and been chubby but nothing hanging down. I’m really not liking the way my body is changing now that I have reached a new high weight. I’m wider than I used to which makes my butt hang over seats. Most of my clothing doesn’t fit anymore. It’s humiliating. I don’t want to be seen anymore. No matter how many times Master says I look sexy to him I just have to fight the feeling inside that I’m not.
I must fight it harder than I am. I keep thinking that I’ll just eat a salad for lunch and/or dinner but I never do it. I have yummy things I like on my salad, but the typical tomatoes and cucumbers I hate. I still can make a mean salad that would be quite refreshing on days where it’s so hot (like now). Exercise is back on the menu but with no AC it just isn’t appealing. I can’t wait till my landlord comes by to install it.
My period is over 10 days late. I do have signs that it could start any time now, today even but the PMS is horrible. I’ve gained more water weight than I ever have which makes me feel bloated and icky. I’m cranky and mean to Master; thankfully he’s taking in stride although only so long before I pay for it.
My health is nothing like it used to be. I want to be under 300 by the end of the year. I really do. I felt so much better when I was in 2006. Gosh that would be nice. I want to reach my goal before Master turns 30. Kinda make it a special birthday present. I have dreams of a healthy active life and I won’t be denied it while I still have breath in my body. Every day I’m hating myself and how I lack the willpower to succeed.
–luna
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Luna you need to stop dieting and start eating healthy you know this. Diets don’t work. Eating healthy,..does.
Get smaller plates , and take smaller portions. You can ALWAYS go back for seconds, BUT when you fill your plate, you will ALWAYS eat it, whether you are still hungry or not.
Drink a glass, a full glass of something, water, juice, milk BEFORE you eat.
and eat, eat eat. Breakfast do toast an hour later have a banana an hour later have a piece of cheese, do lunch a salad or a sandwich and eat some more an hour later do a fruit an hour later have a fat free pudding. EAT.
And then come night..do a cut off. No more food after 7 PM NONE.(or whatever time you prefer)
But stop dieting..its not going to work.
instead start eating..and eat healthy
Luna,
I tried once to reach out to you on this topic before, but you would not respond. I have been reading your blog for two years now and, although I appreciate all that you taught me in the very beginning of my journey in submission, it feels a little like things have changed for you. I too was 300lbs once. That was nine years ago. I read in someone’s comments that you are against gastric bypass surgery, and that’s fine if you’ve done the research and decided it isn’t for you, because it’s not for everyone.
I just want say to you that even though I’m no longer that size, I get all that you are saying and feeling. Every single day of it! I lived it just like you are now, trust me. I do want to add, though, that it seems as if your blog is a constant proclamation of failure and misery in this regard. Like maybe you are searching for the few atta girl comments, which you inevitably get, that will be just enough to make you feel better for not losing anything or for feeling guilty. I am not trying to be mean in saying this, because I of all people understand it.
Luna, I KNOW it’s hard…..probably the hardest thing we ever have to face when we’re big, food issues/self image that is. Even at 145lbs. and nine years later, I still see a 300lb. girl in the mirror. Master helps me deal with that every single day. There are plenty of people who will help you in whatever way they can, whether it’s accountability, information, resources or just a shoulder to cry on…..use them. You do not need to be everyone’s mentor, in this regard anyway, maybe you can find the right one for yourself. Just my humble opinion.
Good luck on your continued journey,
His little one
Luna, I have been reading your blog for about two years now. I am 52 yrs old and had weight over 300 lbs for most of my adult life. About a year ago, I decided I was not going to die at this weight. So I joined Curves and I only go twice a week..I stopped eating after 6pm…I have my biggest meal about 2pm and have lost 62 pounds since May of 2008. It is slow..but it took me 32 years to gain..Please dont give up..even if it is just a pound a month. The greatest feeling for me is that I do not gain 1 pound back..even if I dont loose 1. Drink lots of cold water..take a bottle with you where ever you go. We both can meet our goals…just need the support and faith of those around us and in ourselves…this is about doing it for us..not them!!..Dee
Luna,
It’s not easy trying to change life habits……trust me, I still love a nice hot fudge sundae now and again. I was thinking that maybe you are not getting enough calories in your diet, that could be why you are not losing as much as you could or would be. Make sure you get enough for your weight and height, if not your body will be holding onto every tiny bit of fat you have and storing it for later use. Maybe you could have that dynomite salad if you wanted and the extras wouldn’t hurt….you never know. I do know from experience if you are not eating enough, your body will not allow you to drop not one ounce!!!!!! I hope things turn around for you……..you deserve to be the best woman you can be, it will just take time. As for your double chin, well……..that adds character……..and it will be gone soon as well, once your weight starts dropping. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t, I have been heavy all my life and still men love me……..I just had to learn to live with it. Down a few pounds, up a few pounds……it is a vicious cycle. Good Luck to you, I am praying for you and in your corner as always….You Can Do This!
Luna,
Yeah! Its very hard to loss weight. I’m just like you, I’m overweight. But with self motivation to loss weight, you’ll definitely loss weight more than you expected. Try to go to the gym and choose healthy foods. I know its hard but its for the best.
Goodluck to you!
I think it is your life, and your blog, so you can say and do anything you want to. Since everyone is different, I don’t think anyone should be giving advice you didn’t ask for. The fact that you want to change at all is commendable, and you are entitled to feel bad all that you want to. No one has to read if they don’t want to….
I have no advice either. Just some heartfelt hugsssss of encouragement. I know you will get there sweetie.
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i read this entry and the newest one…i am so sorry that you’re going through this and i won’t try to tell you that you need to “eat healthy” or do anything at all. Eating disorders don’t listen to logic. i’ve done a few things in regards to my weight that i’m not proud of. my Daddy knows that when i get really disgusted with myself, i throw up my dinner or lunch or whatever. (and i’m still fat…figure that one out!) it happens very infrequently though, and i’ve been to therapy for that and a million other things. But sometimes it still happens. Like i said, eating disorders know no logic. Diet and exercise have nothing to do with it, because at the core, there is something that needs to be fixed first. And everyone trying to make you feel better doesn’t really help, because they’re all saying the same thing. you can do whatever you set your mind to, and this is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. My heart goes out to you, luna, and just hang in there.
and i should add that my Daddy doesn’t approve of me throwing up either, which is why He told me i needed to go back to therapy, among other things (like my OCD). LOL didn’t want to make it seem like He was saying “okay, sure…since it only happens a few times…it’s fine…”!