Monthly Archives: June 2009

Play Date

Posted on by
3

Today was a lot of fun! I felt submissive more than I have in the recent weeks. Master ordered me to wear my collar and cuffs set all day. Master has used me and I’m sure there will be more by the end of the night. I love how he mmmm’s and groans as he’s torturing me and teasing me. I’m still wearing the cuffs and have ben wa balls inside me, jiggling around. He said that this way I’ll be primed for fucking later. I love knowing that my size hasn’t stopped his desire of me. While it has made some of the more active play things pushed aside for now, I know that he’s willing to work with me to get more active and healthy.

I remember the blindfold, clothespins on my nipples and fucking, listening to him get off on my helplessness. I remember the speader bar at my wrist, keeping them from doing much of anything. I remember his voice calling me a whore and I’m getting wet thinking about it. I’m so into the verbal humiliation and moreso when he makes me repeat phrases.

On to other things…

Yesterday he let up on one of the punishments; I can have drinks other than water now (except pop). It was great to be able to have fruit punch, milk, juice and coffee. I think I drank more with those options open to me. After a week of just water I was so happy to show him that I can be a good girl. I want to win back all of his trust. I didn’t mean to lie to him and cover up the lies with more lies.

I weighed in today at 350. That’s 4 lbs less than less week. Hopefully I can continue and lose 2 lbs this week. I could be back to 340 by the end of August. I really hope I can. That would mean 330 by my birthday and possibly less by the end of the year. I’m just projecting success, it’s good thought. I can get past the binging.

Master has been there with the everyday. He’s monitoring everything I eat and since I don’t have access to money he keeps me from eating while out. He is my guardian and my sheild from the bad things that make me want to eat. I just run to him for attention and affection when I’m feeling the sense of loneliness and loss that I’ve been feeling. I’m not fixed, of course, but I know I can do it. I’m not alone.

–luna

Headaches

Posted on by
3

I’ve suffered a bout of headaches this week. Monday I had a massive migraine in the middle of the night that took hours to calm down to a level that I could sleep. The rest of this week has been a number of smaller headaches that I just can’t seem to make go away. Medication dulls them but they never actually leave. I’m not sure if it’s stress (most likely) or I have another issue causing the headaches.

I’m not doing so well with the punishment rules, namely the one about the computer. I’ve gotten scolded for using my personal twitter instead of my SubmissiveGuide one. I’ve checked my email when I shouldn’t have. It’s just frustrating as all heck. I’m hoping that Master’s anger calms soon and he lifts these punishments so that we can work on the underlying problem.

On that front, since Master controls the money and my access to it, I’ve not binged. It’s pretty hard to binge with no cash. Eating at home has been a challenge, but I find myself asking for food more than I used to, so perhaps I’m subconciously having him watch what I eat. I’ll weigh on Monday and see if my weight has reflected a full week without binging. Last time I weighed I was at 354.

I’m sure that I’m not being as submissive as I could be right now, but that doesn’t seem to be a focus at this point. Master tends to worry about me with the smallest things and I have to wonder if what has happened to me and my new issue has caused our dynamic to change. I miss being submissive and feeling good about it, but I think I understand his stand too. I’m not really myself right now and he misses me he says.

I miss me too. I want to go back to the way I was, and soon.

–luna

Eating Disorders Return

Posted on by

(Thanks for all the comments on my last post, but I really do know how to eat healthy and exercise. I don’t have to keep hearing it. I’m an intelligent woman. I’m not looking for praise at every single bit of progress; this is my blog, written for Master and myself first and you all second. I will write however I’d like to.)

I have an eating disorder. It hit me like a ton of bricks on Friday when I was looking at the self-help books for things to use as resources for Submissive Guide. In that moment I knew I had to come clean with Master but I was terrified of what would result.

Driving home, I looked to Master and said, ‘We need to talk.’

I promptly had his attention and poured my heart out cautiously because I know what I was about to tell him would anger him.

I’m a binge eater. I’m a secret eater. I had been lying to him about eating since February. I would go out to get groceries and eat on the way home. I would grab insane amounts of food when at the gas station. I would take out money when shopping and use it to feed my addiction later. I would graze at the fridge when in the kitchen getting something to drink. I would wolf it down before leaving the kitchen. I had sweet stashes that Master didn’t know about. It had been getting worse and worse the past few months and that’s why I’ve not done well with my diet. I’ve gained 20 lbs in 3 months. It’s not because of the inablity to lose weight. It was because I was not letting myself succeed.

Master is angry. I lied to him. It’s a cardinal rule. I lied to his face numerous times. I lied to myself too. It just makes me feel horrible. After talking to him, he doled out punishment for lying. I cried so hard with each slap of the leather slapper. I only got 20 on each cheek but each of them bit to the bone and made me cry all the harder. I had lied and felt my world collapsing.

After I calmed we talked about how to fix the underlying problem that was causing my binges and hiding to begin with. He promised to be there for me so that I can get better. The grief I’ve been under is a huge strain, the loss of my job was the catalyst. I think I just succumed. I’ve been a secret eater before; in high school but after I found love and happiness that ended on its own. I know that I can break this problem again and I’m glad to know that Master will be there for me.

So, as part of my punishment I am not allowed use of the computer unless for Submissive Guide work or blogging. I can’t sit on the furniture except the wooden chair and the bed. I can’t drink anything but plain water and he has taken away the debit card, credit card and all my cash. I have to earn these things back when he is not angry anymore.

As part of my getting better I am to tell him when I have an urge to eat and he will decide if it is okay to eat (mealtime) or if we need to find something else to do. I have yet to figure out what sorts of things will help me during the emotional times that brought me to eating before. I am sure that catharic spanking and cuddles will be a part of it. I want exercise to be a part and just being with Master close to me should help to. I have a binge eaters workbook to go through and Master will be reading it as I go along so that he can try to help me.

The past few days have been hard and I’ve had to deal with my father lying to me constantly about how my step-mother is failing (when my stepsister says she’s lingering). I’ve had to hear him tell me how poor he is and at his wits end. I can’t help him. I just can’t. I feel helpless to help. I’m only taking one trip and that will be when she’s gone and I can console dad and say my goodbyes to Kathy in my own way. (See even just thinking it and I cry.) I never thought I’d love her so much and feel so helpless to help her. My father is going though a lot too and I don’t know how he will survive or if he’ll choose to take his life too. I just can’t think of that now, but it’s a very real possibility.

Add to this the fact that since I’ve gained weight, none of my clothing fits, I am embarrassed around people and I just want to not be noticed. Not very leader material, is it? Of course Master is optimistic that we will get through this and I will be able to lose weight. I just have to keep hearing him say it. I will accept it myself soon enough. When I’m ready.

–luna

Double

Posted on by
9

I’m developing a double chin. I’ve been very lucky in the fact that I’m so overweight and yet I don’t have one. My face has just filled out and been chubby but nothing hanging down. I’m really not liking the way my body is changing now that I have reached a new high weight. I’m wider than I used to which makes my butt hang over seats. Most of my clothing doesn’t fit anymore. It’s humiliating. I don’t want to be seen anymore. No matter how many times Master says I look sexy to him I just have to fight the feeling inside that I’m not.

I must fight it harder than I am. I keep thinking that I’ll just eat a salad for lunch and/or dinner but I never do it. I have yummy things I like on my salad, but the typical tomatoes and cucumbers I hate. I still can make a mean salad that would be quite refreshing on days where it’s so hot (like now). Exercise is back on the menu but with no AC it just isn’t appealing. I can’t wait till my landlord comes by to install it.

My period is over 10 days late. I do have signs that it could start any time now, today even but the PMS is horrible. I’ve gained more water weight than I ever have which makes me feel bloated and icky. I’m cranky and mean to Master; thankfully he’s taking in stride although only so long before I pay for it.

My health is nothing like it used to be. I want to be under 300 by the end of the year. I really do. I felt so much better when I was in 2006. Gosh that would be nice. I want to reach my goal before Master turns 30. Kinda make it a special birthday present. I have dreams of a healthy active life and I won’t be denied it while I still have breath in my body. Every day I’m hating myself and how I lack the willpower to succeed.

–luna

A Warm Day

Posted on by
1

I have my first sunburn of the season. You just have to love driver’s tan(burn). It doesn’t hurt a lot, yet, but it’s sure warm. At home the landlord hasn’t installed our AC yet so it’s toasty here too. I’m miserable when I’m hot. I can be cold without much issue, but hot I would rather not experience. Maybe why it’s a good idea I live in Iowa, maybe not. I think with this heat we are going to have to change our eating habits so that we aren’t heating the kitchen in the middle of the day or fixing more cold things. I don’t want to go in there and turn the oven on tonight for dinner.

I haven’t restarted the Miss Abernathy training yet. It just sits on the desk for me to pick up. It’s for me to do for self enhancement so I guess I just haven’t found the time. That isn’t to say I’m not progressing. I’m learning so much about submission and myself as I work on Submissive Guide. It takes a lot of inner exploration to write in an open-minded view and yet maintain as much fact as possible. Granted a lot of what we do is personal and unique I do try to express that as well. I am growing.

Master has been really cranky lately. There’s not real reason for it so maybe it’s the stress that my period has yet to start even though my PMS has been going off and on for 10 days. I’m so ready for it to be over, with or without a period.

–luna

I've a Cold Stress Affecting Me

Posted on by
2

I did not weigh in again this week. My period still hasn’t come. No I’m certain I’m not pregnant, but have been reassured that the stress I’ve been under could be messing with my hormones. I’m totally PMS’ing so there is certainly a possibility that I will start soon. Looking back last week though I did weigh once in the middle of the week and have lost 2.4 lbs this month. I’m weighin in at around 348.6. I’ll know more once my body decides what it’s doing.

On top of all the female stuff I’ve developed a chest cold that while it’s not really bad still drags me down and sends me into coughing fits. My chest just feels heavy all the time and I could nap all the time. I hate colds in the summer. The last few days here have been really humid and breathing as poorly as I am right now I just felt like the air was mud. It will be nice to get it cleared up soon.

Master won’t let me exhert myself in exercise till the chest congestion improves so I’m resigned to stretching and light work if I want to exercise at all. It’s amazing how much I’d rather be exercising now that I shouldn’t. My mind works odd that way. He’ll take care of me, but sometimes time seems to go too slow. I just want to feel healthier and I’m tired of waiting.

It’s a dreary day today with the rain coming down. I’ve done housework and laundry so far. Now I’m sitting in Panera working on the computer hoping to get some things done before I go home. Master’s in a bad mood because his lap top broke and we can’t find the receipt for the warranty or the extended plan. In fact I think we lost all of the receipts for important things recently. I just can’t think where they might be. I do hope I didn’t toss them, but there is that possibility too. God I don’t know.

I read the final book in the Kushiel’s Legacy series yesterday. It was a wonderful story and I couldn’t put it down. I’m sure I’ll be reading the whole series again soon. Jacqueline Carey has another saga starting too, it’s out in hardback so I have to wait till paperback for it but I can’t wait to see where she will take me in the same universe as these are set. They should be wonderful.

–luna

Sticky: No Blogathon For Me… Unless

Posted on by
4

Unfortunately I have to announce that I will not be able to do blogathon on my own this year because it is happening on the day I hold my local munch. The munch is 10 hours long (it’s a mini-event). The only way I could participate is if I did a group blog of at least 6 bloggers willing to sign up for a time in the schedule to post. So, that brings me to you. I would like to have group effort in a blog this year. Are you interested in writing for a good cause? Continue reading →

A Sexy Kind of Weird

Posted on by
2

Okay, so I’m wiggling my butt at Master before our hot hot sex tonight and he says, ‘You are weird sometimes.’

I reply with, ‘A good kind of weird?’ thinking that he normally likes my wiggling ass.

‘Yeah, in a sexy kind of way.’

Um, okay Master, whatever you say.

Sometimes I just don’t understand him, why question it. :P

The Lazy in Me

Posted on by
6

I’ve not exercised since last Wednesday. If I keep this up I won’t be able to keep my streak of 2 times a week. I want to push it to 5 times a week but it’s just not looking good. I’m really focused to getting exercise in today for sure. I just can’t let my lazy win.

My eating hasn’t been great, but it’s not been overly bad either. I want to get more veggies in me on a daily basis. So far I get about 2 servings. Boost that to 5 servings and I’ll be happy. Next week I want to move it to 3 servings. Those baby steps that I know will stick are what I’m looking for. I feel good about the changes I know I can do with eating.

I go grocery shopping tomorrow or Thursday which will give me a reason to have yummy foods in the house. Oh and I’m looking for more zuchinni recipes, so if you know any… send them my way. I love smashed cauliflower, it’s my new mashed potatoes. I don’t even miss potatoes in any way but baked. Just can’t give up the baked potato. If you have healthy, yummy recipes you want to share, I’m all ears. Leave them in my inbox and I’ll surely try them!

I didn’t weigh in this week. It’s PMS week so I didn’t want to feel absolutely horrible knowing what the scale would have reflected. I’ll weigh in next Monday and see how things are. It would be nice to be 5 lbs lighter by the end of this month. It’s a push, but still possible. It depends on if I get this lazy out of me.

–luna

I Wish I Could Cut my Wrists Off Somedays…

Posted on by
5

Master has begun doing more in the way of exherting his control over me. More than he has done in the past. Or rather, he’s more verbal about it than he was. It’s almost alarming how I respond sometimes, but it’s not unexpected. Learning new behaviors has that effect too. It’s jarring.

My carpal tunnel is relatively bad all the time now. Master gets quite upset when I complain about it and then continue to do something that doesn’t rest it. I’ve learned that it’s a pain I have to live with, in my mind, why should I have to stop what enjoy doing and surrender to the pain? I want to fight it and try to ignore it. He wants me to rest the hands when they hurt. I’d be resting them all the time; incapable of doing anything really. That’s not me. I want to fight through the pain, process the pain and move past it. Make it less annoying, less noticable and be able to keep living. I’m taking meds almost everyday to help keep the inflamation down but that doesn’t stop most of the pain I feel. He’s kind and doesn’t force me to do things that are known to aggravate it (handjobs). I just wish I had a choice with the other things in life.

I finished the book, SlaveCraft last night. It was really good. I hope to let it sit on my mind for awhile and pick up personal tidbits from it. I thought it was excellent reading and want the review I write on it for SubmissiveGuide to be well thought out. So much of it touched part of me in ways that woke up thoughts and dreams of surrender deeper than I have now. Who knew?

–luna

Way and Manner of Obedience

Posted on by
2

I’ve been reading the book Slavecraft by a grateful slave to do a review for Submissive Guide. It is a collection of essays written by one slave about his exploration in deeper submission and servitude. I’m finding myself growing as a submissive in my own relationship and feel that I could develop further just by thinking about the words in the book. It’s not really a book for novices for sure, but definitely for submissives seeking more about themselves, to understand that deeper ocean of our submission.

One of the essays was about obedience, that it’s a primary function for a slave one that brings the most joy. I’m finding myself wanting to connect to this essay more than the others right now, mainly because I do have an issue with obeying and want to please Master but can’t get my head around the fact that the WAY AND MANNER for which I obey is what is important, not the obedience itself.

When I treat some of Master’s commands as a chore, or show distaste in doing them the way and manner at which I perform is not completing the full task; my obedience is fails me. Part of the failure is the feelings I have that are hindering my actions. I have lost the submissive space that will result in joyful obedience.

Master gets this obedience on occasion, and he loves when I am able to obey fully but lately it is lacking and while I seek to help novice submissives, I am also trying to rectify my own issues with my mindset. I have tossed back and forth the idea of a meditation or something that would ground me in my submission when I feel it waning. I really do want to serve joyfully and get depressed when I know that the mindset is off.

Correcting my obedience would help Master through leaps and bounds as he develops his Mastery more. I know that I can make it easier for him if I could correct myself. It will take time, but now that I can see what I need to do, I can devise a way to put the plan into action. No doubt there will be struggle and fight in me as I shift; but the outcome is well worth it.

I will change the way and manner in which I obey so that instead of saying, ‘I obeyed,’ I can say ‘I joyfully obeyed.’ I know that the happiness I seek will bring me closer to the level of service I wish to provide.

–luna

Sexual Disinterest

Posted on by
1

Yesterday was a hard day for Master. I wasn’t interested in giving him a blow job, I just couldn’t find it in me to want to do it. He told me that he wanted one early on and when I got home from working on SubmissiveGuide he asked for one just as I came in the door. I had spent the whole drive trying to psych myself into doing it because I still didn’t want to. The whole evening I just couldn’t get into the game. I just wasn’t into giving Master what he wanted. I’ve gotten better with giving Master blow jobs in general but I still get hung up sometimes.

As I’ve said before, Master and I are at a stand still as far as our development in our relationship. Master says it’s time for him to grow and he wants to work on a few things that are hanging him up. It is making me nervous and excited. I don’t doubt that as he grows I will struggle to keep up. One of these things is his resolve to make me do something when I apparently don’t want to. Pretty much the thought that what he says he gets. Right now I’m sure a part of me knows that if I push or whine hard enough he’s give up… rather annoyed.

I don’t whine or push when I really genuinely want to do it for him. It’s just when I can’t get my little submissive head around doing it for him when I’d rather not. Is it selfish? I don’t know. Soon he’ll be able to push me into doing something when I’m not fully in it. I’ll grow and develop because of it and perhaps, if we are lucky, I won’t fight it anymore and can work on feeling it while I do it.

Yeah, I can see me doing something when I don’t want to but not really into it. Master has been given a number of blow jobs like that. I just do it but don’t show emotions and excitement. It just doesn’t turn me on.

Summer really does it for me. I get hot and don’t want to get hotter. I get sweaty and skin irritation gets worse. So exerting any motion is just… not what I want. I’m fighting my summer instinct to relax and be very passive when he asks for sexual pleasure in the middle of the day. I dunno. It’s probably an excuse.

–luna

Revamped the Site

Posted on by
4

This week is going by relatively fast. I worked really hard on Submissive Guide yesterday and today I need to do a bit of housework. Master and I have been working through a few things as far as our dynamic goes. As I mentioned before, Master wants to be more consistent in his enforcement of my rules and his commands. Obedience is important to him, but he’s finding some of this Dom stuff to be hard for him. I think it’s time for him to take a step up the Dom Mountain. I’m sure I’ll be struggling myself once he finds where he is at in his journey.

I’m working on myself too. Master says that my submission would deepen once he gets his role and behaviors refined. So I guess we are in a holding pattern. Of course, I am still learning about myself and what I want to offer him. The soul searching has really come about because of the Guide. I feel so much closer to mmy submission when I work on the site. Connecting to the world view and submission.

The Blog

I’ve changed my blog theme (again) if you are interested in checking it out. This one comes with a few new things I want to showcase. I have a lifestream page that has my twitter and RSS and all the other activity online that I can share with you. I love it, and find it really cool.

I have a weight loss page as well, that focuses on my goal to lose weight and feel better, healthy. Hopefully with all of you reading my struggles I can keep going and make it though my excess weight.

Next I found a really cool plug in that hosts my library. I’m adding only my BDSM books, but I’m able to add reviews and rate them and stuff. You can see it in the right side. I love it. OH and if you buy one of the books through the links I have, I get a little kick back.

Lastly I have a request. There is a box at the top of this blog that I can’t think of what to put in it. If you know of a cool WordPress widget that would be awesome there, let me know!

–luna

I'm Not Liking This New Size

Posted on by
6

Weigh In: 351

I’ve gained 3 pounds since last week. I’m pissed, depressed and annoyed. We may have only done 2 days of exercise last week, but I watched what I ate pretty well and increased my water intake by 1 liter. I’ve never been above 350. I feel humiliated and unhealthy. My knees are screaming at me, I’m afraid my back will go out on me again (like it did when I was up this high before), I’m sure my blood pressure is really bad too. Stressing about it I’m sure just makes it all worse.

Master and I are going to try to exercise every day this week. We have a few different work outs planned. I hope I can make it though them and come out next Monday with a lower weigh in. I want to lose quite a bit of weight and the first step is to lose some so that I have motivation.

I bought healthier foods and didn’t buy the bad foods. We’ll have to see if that helps my food choices. Master is getting healthy too and I’m looking forward to doing it with him.

As far as my submission I’ve been horrible at my mood. I’ve been angry and snappy. Just horrible. I don’t see it ahead of time, I just blow and then get in trouble. Sure, it could be the weight, the physical stress of weighing so much. He’s asked me to find time to go over my cleaning routine so that he can start enforcing it. Sure, we can get to that. I’d like him to be more consistent in his focus on me, it’s been a bit staggered. Maybe I’m stressed with that as well.

I know I was quite bratty at the munch on Saturday. I was quite temperamental today and Master asked me what was wrong. It took me a bit to say just about everything. It wasn’t honest, but it was truthful. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. Everything was bothering me, but he didn’t like that I wasn’t specific. I know that he let it slide today because as soon as I told him my weight… well… he took it as my big issue.

Sigh.

–luna

Urgh

Posted on by
Reply

Bear with me. I installed the beta version of WordPress and I see it has bugs in it. If you notice issues with my blog, I’m sure I already know. Patience, It will get fixed.