June 2009

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Play Date

Today was a lot of fun! I felt submissive more than I have in the recent weeks. Master ordered me to wear my collar and cuffs set all day. Master has used me and I’m sure there will be more by the end of the night. I love how he mmmm’s and groans as he’s torturing me and teasing me. I’m still wearing the cuffs and have ben wa balls inside me, jiggling around. He said that this way I’ll be primed for fucking later. I love knowing that my size hasn’t stopped his desire of me. While it has made some of the more active play things pushed aside for now, I know that he’s willing to work with me to get more active and healthy.

I remember the blindfold, clothespins on my nipples and fucking, listening to him get off on my helplessness. I remember the speader bar at my wrist, keeping them from doing much of anything. I remember his voice calling me a whore and I’m getting wet thinking about it. I’m so into the verbal humiliation and moreso when he makes me repeat phrases.

On to other things…

Yesterday he let up on one of the punishments; I can have drinks other than water now (except pop). It was great to be able to have fruit punch, milk, juice and coffee. I think I drank more with those options open to me. After a week of just water I was so happy to show him that I can be a good girl. I want to win back all of his trust. I didn’t mean to lie to him and cover up the lies with more lies.

I weighed in today at 350. That’s 4 lbs less than less week. Hopefully I can continue and lose 2 lbs this week. I could be back to 340 by the end of August. I really hope I can. That would mean 330 by my birthday and possibly less by the end of the year. I’m just projecting success, it’s good thought. I can get past the binging.

Master has been there with the everyday. He’s monitoring everything I eat and since I don’t have access to money he keeps me from eating while out. He is my guardian and my sheild from the bad things that make me want to eat. I just run to him for attention and affection when I’m feeling the sense of loneliness and loss that I’ve been feeling. I’m not fixed, of course, but I know I can do it. I’m not alone.

–luna

Headaches

I’ve suffered a bout of headaches this week. Monday I had a massive migraine in the middle of the night that took hours to calm down to a level that I could sleep. The rest of this week has been a number of smaller headaches that I just can’t seem to make go away. Medication dulls them but they never actually leave. I’m not sure if it’s stress (most likely) or I have another issue causing the headaches.

I’m not doing so well with the punishment rules, namely the one about the computer. I’ve gotten scolded for using my personal twitter instead of my SubmissiveGuide one. I’ve checked my email when I shouldn’t have. It’s just frustrating as all heck. I’m hoping that Master’s anger calms soon and he lifts these punishments so that we can work on the underlying problem.

On that front, since Master controls the money and my access to it, I’ve not binged. It’s pretty hard to binge with no cash. Eating at home has been a challenge, but I find myself asking for food more than I used to, so perhaps I’m subconciously having him watch what I eat. I’ll weigh on Monday and see if my weight has reflected a full week without binging. Last time I weighed I was at 354.

I’m sure that I’m not being as submissive as I could be right now, but that doesn’t seem to be a focus at this point. Master tends to worry about me with the smallest things and I have to wonder if what has happened to me and my new issue has caused our dynamic to change. I miss being submissive and feeling good about it, but I think I understand his stand too. I’m not really myself right now and he misses me he says.

I miss me too. I want to go back to the way I was, and soon.

–luna

(Thanks for all the comments on my last post, but I really do know how to eat healthy and exercise. I don’t have to keep hearing it. I’m an intelligent woman. I’m not looking for praise at every single bit of progress; this is my blog, written for Master and myself first and you all second. I will write however I’d like to.)

I have an eating disorder. It hit me like a ton of bricks on Friday when I was looking at the self-help books for things to use as resources for Submissive Guide. In that moment I knew I had to come clean with Master but I was terrified of what would result.

Driving home, I looked to Master and said, ‘We need to talk.’

I promptly had his attention and poured my heart out cautiously because I know what I was about to tell him would anger him.

I’m a binge eater. I’m a secret eater. I had been lying to him about eating since February. I would go out to get groceries and eat on the way home. I would grab insane amounts of food when at the gas station. I would take out money when shopping and use it to feed my addiction later. I would graze at the fridge when in the kitchen getting something to drink. I would wolf it down before leaving the kitchen. I had sweet stashes that Master didn’t know about. It had been getting worse and worse the past few months and that’s why I’ve not done well with my diet. I’ve gained 20 lbs in 3 months. It’s not because of the inablity to lose weight. It was because I was not letting myself succeed.

Master is angry. I lied to him. It’s a cardinal rule. I lied to his face numerous times. I lied to myself too. It just makes me feel horrible. After talking to him, he doled out punishment for lying. I cried so hard with each slap of the leather slapper. I only got 20 on each cheek but each of them bit to the bone and made me cry all the harder. I had lied and felt my world collapsing.

After I calmed we talked about how to fix the underlying problem that was causing my binges and hiding to begin with. He promised to be there for me so that I can get better. The grief I’ve been under is a huge strain, the loss of my job was the catalyst. I think I just succumed. I’ve been a secret eater before; in high school but after I found love and happiness that ended on its own. I know that I can break this problem again and I’m glad to know that Master will be there for me.

So, as part of my punishment I am not allowed use of the computer unless for Submissive Guide work or blogging. I can’t sit on the furniture except the wooden chair and the bed. I can’t drink anything but plain water and he has taken away the debit card, credit card and all my cash. I have to earn these things back when he is not angry anymore.

As part of my getting better I am to tell him when I have an urge to eat and he will decide if it is okay to eat (mealtime) or if we need to find something else to do. I have yet to figure out what sorts of things will help me during the emotional times that brought me to eating before. I am sure that catharic spanking and cuddles will be a part of it. I want exercise to be a part and just being with Master close to me should help to. I have a binge eaters workbook to go through and Master will be reading it as I go along so that he can try to help me.

The past few days have been hard and I’ve had to deal with my father lying to me constantly about how my step-mother is failing (when my stepsister says she’s lingering). I’ve had to hear him tell me how poor he is and at his wits end. I can’t help him. I just can’t. I feel helpless to help. I’m only taking one trip and that will be when she’s gone and I can console dad and say my goodbyes to Kathy in my own way. (See even just thinking it and I cry.) I never thought I’d love her so much and feel so helpless to help her. My father is going though a lot too and I don’t know how he will survive or if he’ll choose to take his life too. I just can’t think of that now, but it’s a very real possibility.

Add to this the fact that since I’ve gained weight, none of my clothing fits, I am embarrassed around people and I just want to not be noticed. Not very leader material, is it? Of course Master is optimistic that we will get through this and I will be able to lose weight. I just have to keep hearing him say it. I will accept it myself soon enough. When I’m ready.

–luna

Double

I’m developing a double chin. I’ve been very lucky in the fact that I’m so overweight and yet I don’t have one. My face has just filled out and been chubby but nothing hanging down. I’m really not liking the way my body is changing now that I have reached a new high weight. I’m wider than I used to which makes my butt hang over seats. Most of my clothing doesn’t fit anymore. It’s humiliating. I don’t want to be seen anymore. No matter how many times Master says I look sexy to him I just have to fight the feeling inside that I’m not.

I must fight it harder than I am. I keep thinking that I’ll just eat a salad for lunch and/or dinner but I never do it. I have yummy things I like on my salad, but the typical tomatoes and cucumbers I hate. I still can make a mean salad that would be quite refreshing on days where it’s so hot (like now). Exercise is back on the menu but with no AC it just isn’t appealing. I can’t wait till my landlord comes by to install it.

My period is over 10 days late. I do have signs that it could start any time now, today even but the PMS is horrible. I’ve gained more water weight than I ever have which makes me feel bloated and icky. I’m cranky and mean to Master; thankfully he’s taking in stride although only so long before I pay for it.

My health is nothing like it used to be. I want to be under 300 by the end of the year. I really do. I felt so much better when I was in 2006. Gosh that would be nice. I want to reach my goal before Master turns 30. Kinda make it a special birthday present. I have dreams of a healthy active life and I won’t be denied it while I still have breath in my body. Every day I’m hating myself and how I lack the willpower to succeed.

–luna

A Warm Day

I have my first sunburn of the season. You just have to love driver’s tan(burn). It doesn’t hurt a lot, yet, but it’s sure warm. At home the landlord hasn’t installed our AC yet so it’s toasty here too. I’m miserable when I’m hot. I can be cold without much issue, but hot I would rather not experience. Maybe why it’s a good idea I live in Iowa, maybe not. I think with this heat we are going to have to change our eating habits so that we aren’t heating the kitchen in the middle of the day or fixing more cold things. I don’t want to go in there and turn the oven on tonight for dinner.

I haven’t restarted the Miss Abernathy training yet. It just sits on the desk for me to pick up. It’s for me to do for self enhancement so I guess I just haven’t found the time. That isn’t to say I’m not progressing. I’m learning so much about submission and myself as I work on Submissive Guide. It takes a lot of inner exploration to write in an open-minded view and yet maintain as much fact as possible. Granted a lot of what we do is personal and unique I do try to express that as well. I am growing.

Master has been really cranky lately. There’s not real reason for it so maybe it’s the stress that my period has yet to start even though my PMS has been going off and on for 10 days. I’m so ready for it to be over, with or without a period.

–luna

I did not weigh in again this week. My period still hasn’t come. No I’m certain I’m not pregnant, but have been reassured that the stress I’ve been under could be messing with my hormones. I’m totally PMS’ing so there is certainly a possibility that I will start soon. Looking back last week though I did weigh once in the middle of the week and have lost 2.4 lbs this month. I’m weighin in at around 348.6. I’ll know more once my body decides what it’s doing.

On top of all the female stuff I’ve developed a chest cold that while it’s not really bad still drags me down and sends me into coughing fits. My chest just feels heavy all the time and I could nap all the time. I hate colds in the summer. The last few days here have been really humid and breathing as poorly as I am right now I just felt like the air was mud. It will be nice to get it cleared up soon.

Master won’t let me exhert myself in exercise till the chest congestion improves so I’m resigned to stretching and light work if I want to exercise at all. It’s amazing how much I’d rather be exercising now that I shouldn’t. My mind works odd that way. He’ll take care of me, but sometimes time seems to go too slow. I just want to feel healthier and I’m tired of waiting.

It’s a dreary day today with the rain coming down. I’ve done housework and laundry so far. Now I’m sitting in Panera working on the computer hoping to get some things done before I go home. Master’s in a bad mood because his lap top broke and we can’t find the receipt for the warranty or the extended plan. In fact I think we lost all of the receipts for important things recently. I just can’t think where they might be. I do hope I didn’t toss them, but there is that possibility too. God I don’t know.

I read the final book in the Kushiel’s Legacy series yesterday. It was a wonderful story and I couldn’t put it down. I’m sure I’ll be reading the whole series again soon. Jacqueline Carey has another saga starting too, it’s out in hardback so I have to wait till paperback for it but I can’t wait to see where she will take me in the same universe as these are set. They should be wonderful.

–luna

I just wanted to let you know that I wrote a post on someone else’s blog and I’d love for you to head over there and read it; feel free to comment! It’s called ‘I Obey’ and has gotten positive responses so far.

Unfortunately I have to announce that I will not be able to do blogathon on my own this year because it is happening on the day I hold my local munch. The munch is 10 hours long (it’s a mini-event). The only way I could participate is if I did a group blog of at least 6 bloggers willing to sign up for a time in the schedule to post. So, that brings me to you. I would like to have group effort in a blog this year. Are you interested in writing for a good cause? Read the rest of this entry »

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