(Thanks for all the comments on my last post, but I really do know how to eat healthy and exercise. I don’t have to keep hearing it. I’m an intelligent woman. I’m not looking for praise at every single bit of progress; this is my blog, written for Master and myself first and you all second. I will write however I’d like to.)
I have an eating disorder. It hit me like a ton of bricks on Friday when I was looking at the self-help books for things to use as resources for Submissive Guide. In that moment I knew I had to come clean with Master but I was terrified of what would result.
Driving home, I looked to Master and said, ‘We need to talk.’
I promptly had his attention and poured my heart out cautiously because I know what I was about to tell him would anger him.
I’m a binge eater. I’m a secret eater. I had been lying to him about eating since February. I would go out to get groceries and eat on the way home. I would grab insane amounts of food when at the gas station. I would take out money when shopping and use it to feed my addiction later. I would graze at the fridge when in the kitchen getting something to drink. I would wolf it down before leaving the kitchen. I had sweet stashes that Master didn’t know about. It had been getting worse and worse the past few months and that’s why I’ve not done well with my diet. I’ve gained 20 lbs in 3 months. It’s not because of the inablity to lose weight. It was because I was not letting myself succeed.
Master is angry. I lied to him. It’s a cardinal rule. I lied to his face numerous times. I lied to myself too. It just makes me feel horrible. After talking to him, he doled out punishment for lying. I cried so hard with each slap of the leather slapper. I only got 20 on each cheek but each of them bit to the bone and made me cry all the harder. I had lied and felt my world collapsing.
After I calmed we talked about how to fix the underlying problem that was causing my binges and hiding to begin with. He promised to be there for me so that I can get better. The grief I’ve been under is a huge strain, the loss of my job was the catalyst. I think I just succumed. I’ve been a secret eater before; in high school but after I found love and happiness that ended on its own. I know that I can break this problem again and I’m glad to know that Master will be there for me.
So, as part of my punishment I am not allowed use of the computer unless for Submissive Guide work or blogging. I can’t sit on the furniture except the wooden chair and the bed. I can’t drink anything but plain water and he has taken away the debit card, credit card and all my cash. I have to earn these things back when he is not angry anymore.
As part of my getting better I am to tell him when I have an urge to eat and he will decide if it is okay to eat (mealtime) or if we need to find something else to do. I have yet to figure out what sorts of things will help me during the emotional times that brought me to eating before. I am sure that catharic spanking and cuddles will be a part of it. I want exercise to be a part and just being with Master close to me should help to. I have a binge eaters workbook to go through and Master will be reading it as I go along so that he can try to help me.
The past few days have been hard and I’ve had to deal with my father lying to me constantly about how my step-mother is failing (when my stepsister says she’s lingering). I’ve had to hear him tell me how poor he is and at his wits end. I can’t help him. I just can’t. I feel helpless to help. I’m only taking one trip and that will be when she’s gone and I can console dad and say my goodbyes to Kathy in my own way. (See even just thinking it and I cry.) I never thought I’d love her so much and feel so helpless to help her. My father is going though a lot too and I don’t know how he will survive or if he’ll choose to take his life too. I just can’t think of that now, but it’s a very real possibility.
Add to this the fact that since I’ve gained weight, none of my clothing fits, I am embarrassed around people and I just want to not be noticed. Not very leader material, is it? Of course Master is optimistic that we will get through this and I will be able to lose weight. I just have to keep hearing him say it. I will accept it myself soon enough. When I’m ready.