We had a pretty good munch today. A class on Spanking and Impact play went really well I think. Master was nervous as always. He gets sweaty palms, it’s so cute. I love his little nerves. He’s so smart and knows what he needs to know. I know that with every class he gets more confident. I love him so much.
If anyone remembers that I was doing Miss Abernathy’s Slave Training last year? I stopped abruptly because my ex-job took my book when I was fired and destroyed it. Well I got a new copy so I’m thinking I can get back into it soon. I’m going to have to go back one lesson and get back into mediation. I’m doing a lot of reading in a few new books about submission and slavery. Some are for Submissive Guide and while I know they will come in handy for that site, they are helping me too.
I’m working on my own training, my interalizing submission as an erotic feeling. That’s a goal to look for! I’m not sure how I’ll do that, but I’m wanting to make it pleasurable for my service. Master would enjoy it too. Right now, I like to see him smile and tell me he’s proud of me but I just get that lovely feeling. I just want to get that sexy feeling now too.
One of my big hang ups is that I don’t like my body right now. It’s evident in almost everything I do. I say it a lot too. I’m not really sure how to change my attitude except to exercise and eat right. Lose the weight and feel better. I must be sexy inside as well as out.
In the summer months I love to wear sun dresses. They flow and are lightweight, usually in bright vibrant colors. They make me feel feminine and beautiful. Master has been wonderful in feeding my love for swingy dresses. Since I have gained weight I can’t wear last years dresses yet. He got me 3 dresses this last month. I’m feeling beautiful again.
The dresses I got were from Walmart and Target. It’s another wonderful thought that even though I’m huge, I can find a few clothes at the cheap places. I’m hoping that by the end of summer I’m a size smaller. Hopefully.
And a perk for him is that I don’t like to wear underwear when wearing sun dresses. I like to feel the air move around, ya know? It’s a little treat for him to know that I’m available. I love teasing him.
The weight loss is scaring me. I’m really hoping that the exercise and food changes I’m doing will start to show on the scale in a few weeks. It would be good to see the scale go down you know. The lower it goes the sexier I feel. I want to be a slutty sexy beast for him. I want to feel it.
Memorial Day weekend was really hard. I spent most of the mornings before Master got up, crying or depressed. I just couldn’t keep thoughts of my deceased Grandmother and my stepmom Kathy’s fading twilight. It’s so hard to think of life without her and I’m just not ready to face it. I don’t want to face it.
Lingering for a long time is so painful for the ones who remain. Only she knows when she will exit and I hope it is peaceful (as peaceful as it can be). All we can do is wait. I hate waiting. I don’t like not knowing. I’m afraid to talk to her. She already knows the important things. Do I need to write and tell her? I don’t know. I’m so uncomfortable around death. Will I regret not telling her I love her one more time?
I regret not telling my grandmother that I was coming to visit 7 years ago. She died three days before I was to arrive, suddenly from a massive heart attack. I can hope that maybe my mother broke the secret and told her I was coming too. I don’t talk to my mother so I just don’t know. I’m sure she knows now, because I believe in a heaven or afterlife. It’s a small comfort for me. I hang onto physical possessions. They stand to remind me.
Will I do the same with Kathy’s? Most likely. They are her handiwork. They exist because she exists.
I didn’t tell Master that I was crying and upset. I kept it a secret. When he found out he was not pleased. I know I’m in trouble for not telling him. Master isn’t good at the emotional side of things like this. I know this so I try not to subject him to it. I thought I was doing him a favor. I am in the wrong though.
I don’t know how I will be disciplined but I think Master is waiting for my down moment to fade.
Master and I have spent most of the weekend doing our own thing. I don’t think it’s a sign of any separation, just that since we are around each other 24/7 that this is our private time. Perhaps?
I’m feeling down this weekend. I want to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t done so since she passed. I wish we could have gone to Shibaricon this year. I’m really itching to know what it’s like a regional or national event. I’m feeling the need to make some money of my own and Submissive Guide has the potential, I can’t make things move any faster than they are.
It’s a holiday but I think I’ll be working on things this afternoon. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
My memory is going folks. It selective of course. I have problems remembering the things we do during the heat of the moment. I love reading the stories that others put on their blog about the sexual exploits. Unfortunately I just can’t remember specifics at all.
Master things it’s funny sometimes. He’ll reminisce about a good time and I’ll look at him like, ‘who were you with?’ Duh. I just don’t know why I can’t remember them. I suppose I should practice remembering. Like write about it as soon as it’s over type remembering. I know that you would love to hear the juicy details. (I would too, heh.)
Does anyone else have this selective amnesia?
I mean I can understand not remembering what happens during play if I’m floating. But sex? I mean come on, I’m there I’m really in the moment. But my memory checks out. Gah!
So, it really irks me, can you tell? I want to be able to remember the hot sex we are having, because damn it is.
I can not begin to list the number of hot naughty sex Master and I have had recently. It’s just been out of this world! We’ve had anal sex twice, after a 2 month draught due to stomache issues. I’ve been fisted and had a monster inflatable dildo put in, inflated and then fucked with it! I’m still loosey goosey but we haven’t stopped. Master got a new toy and he loves it; so do I since it means less stress for my carpal tunnel hands. It’s a fleshlight. This thing is awesome! I can’t recommend it enough because as far as male masturbators go this is king. Hot sex, trust me.
We’ve been playing more with breath play. Actually it’s more like Master presses my throat as he’s fucking me or getting me off. It’s so scary but I get so hot and juicy. I just can’t believe I’d like it. I have a suffocation fear so bad I can’t even put the covers over my face in bed. I trust him to know what he’s doing though and as long as it’s communicated to me before hand I’ll be fine. He’s been great with putting his hand at my throat and then saying something along the line of ‘Are you ready?’ I know he’d stop if I looked unprepared.
We are venturing into some fun waters as far as our kinky sex goes and I’m loving it!
Dracona tagged me and then thekittenpup tagged me… I guess that means I should do this
1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged
So, my seven things:
1. My weight loss goal is more like a size goal. I want to be able to walk into any women’s clothing store and pick out XL clothes. That’s right, 1 XL, not 4 or 5 which is where I’m at now. That puts me right around 200 lbs for my height. I need to lose 150 lbs. I have a goal of 5 years.
2. I hate flying. I have to get on a plane some day to bid farewell to my stepmom and be there for my dad. I’m afraid that I will be humiliated and forced to pay for 2 seats. I can’t afford 2 seats.
3. One day Master will ask me to marry him, and as he already knows, I will say yes.
4. To simplify and declutter I am going all digital. That means DVDs will be ripped to the RAID, all music is already there and I bought a Sony digital reader for all of my books that I don’t need to keep in physical form. I’m gifting my music and books to my best friend and the DVDs are going into storage.
5. Since I lost my job I have learned a lot about how to feel happy at home. It’s still a struggle, but not nearly as confining as first thought. Being with Master all day has it’s joys.
6. I have considered on numerous occasions recently to scrap this blog and start over, fresh and brand new: no old archives. No one reads them anymore anyway. Still not sure though really. I’d like my own domain for my blog too, but that would have to wait.
7. Can you be a new trek fan? I love the cast of the new Star Trek. Went and got all the original series and movies…. I’m loving em, but nothing compares to the new film. Master and I have seen it twice.
I read a post on persephone’s blog today that really had me thinking about my own desires. She talks about consensual non-consent and a rape fantasy that her boyfriend and her did one night. Yes it was hot to read, but it also made me think about the times that Master takes me when I’m not showing any desire for sex. It happens, but not a lot. Master is more into making sure I’m in the mood first which could mean that he’s getting less sex than he wants since his sex drive is higher than mine.
I know that I like to be taken and used, there are times I ask him just to take me, that I want to feel like an object. To me, that sounds like consensual non-consent and I get so turned on by it. He’ll do that occasionally and there are the late night visits that I love. I love it because he really gets controlling and sometimes aggressive. He cares to NOT CARE about what objections I’m saying. It’s very hot.
I find those moments to be very erotic and I know I get really wet and hot thinking about it. It’s not in Master to do that at any time he wants, he has to have ‘permission’. Kind of just an opening. I tell him that I’m in the mood for object sex and that will let him know that it would be open for him. I don’t know if one day he’ll realize that he doesn’t need ‘permission’ from me, that I’m wide open to it and even if I put up some struggle that’s part of the game.
It’s so hot to be forced. It’s very hot to be struggling against it. I love to hear his growling in my ear telling me to take it, or his hands holding my body down and the violation. I could do it more, or rather, I could have it done to me more.
It’s a common fantasy I’ve had for years. Sometimes it’s rape from a stranger, sometimes it’s Master forcing me, forced group sex even. The common theme is force. My desire NOT to do it makes me hot with desire.
Anyone else like consensual non-consent? What’s it like for you?
I’m having an ugly day. No matter what I try to think about, I’m constantly coming back to the fact that I’m so very obese that certain activities are impossible. I’m tired of being fat, but also want the results from the work I’m doing to lose weight to happen overnight. I don’t want to wait anymore.
Master assures me that I’m sexy and desirable and I adore him for that. It’s really just a temporary thing. I am looking for comfort and food used to be what I ran to. Not sure how I managed to keep myself out of the kitchen today. But I did.
I’m hungry. It’s been quite a while since Master and I played more than just a little bondage or pain during sex. I am really craving an intense session. Master is more than willing to comply so I’m sure that it will be in my near future. The fantasy that I wrote about last week about the bag over my head is an actual event that will happen this weeknd too. I’m hoping that come Monday I’m recovering from play and sex and sensory overload.
It’s a myth that people who life 24/7 get to play and do play whenever they want to. I think Master and I average about once a month or so with an intense scene. Casual players actually get more than we do, but as far as role dynamics I’m certain that we have a lot of that. 24/7 does exist in this home and while so many believe that it doesn’t exist I find it hard to believe it wouldn’t.
Take for example husband and wife. Do you ever stop being one or the other without a divorce? Of course not. I feel it is the same for D/s. I’ve been spending a bit more time on FetLife since my decrease in activity. I’ve not participated a lot because there seems to be a lot of bickering and close-mindedness. I’m irked by it.
I’m in a group called Masters and slaves and while I don’t identify as a slave I feel the most… comfortable in there. At least most of the time. The other relationship oriented groups don’t seem to talk much about the actual relationship and focus more on the play. Really I could talk play stuff till I’m blue in the face, things don’t change there. Safety is rehashed over and over and the same questions are asked. Ugh.
I’d love to withdraw completely from some networks, but I know that they are vital for my budding Submissive Guide. I learn what novices are asking and try to address them in a timely manner. I have to have an endless supply of conversational topics in order to build value in my site. It’s what I care most about right now. It’s my work. Iron Gate may go through an evolution in the future too. It’s not being used the way I want it to be. Master had an excellent idea, now if I can find a CMS to implement it.
I see I got into a tangent. Oh well. Hopefully next week I’ll have some hot stories to tell and a HNT or two to share as well.
After another munch where we questioned where Master and I really fit in I think it’s simple to say that we don’t. We aren’t players, we aren’t one of the cool kids, we aren’t swingers who are kinky and we aren’t drinkers. It kinda grated on us and it was commented to a friend of ours that the line in the room was drawn between the traditionalists and the avant garde. We’re too into 24/7, protocol and rules for that bunch.
The group Master and I run has set the bar high as far as educational opportunities and social activities goes. We have mini-events every month where people can have a discussion, a class or workshop, perhaps a demo and then a munch. If we had someone willing to continue the event it could go into a bar meet later. We don’t have play parties and we will never be play party focused. There are plenty of party opportunies at other groups in the area. Education and information are where our group excels. We will bring interested persons in and it will be a safe place to learn. Not a party group, not a drinking social group.
I’m just irked with how I feel about another almost wasted Saturday night. I say almost because we did enjoy our time with Sir Areli and always leave wishing we could stay longer.
I had tea with a new friend of mine. She is new to the BDSM community and I think we hit it off well. We talked about all sorts of things and I may have found someone to do the pictures I was looking for, for a project of mine. That could be exciting. I really enjoyed myself and I hope she did too.
Master is deciding whether he wants to attend regional/national events or not. Currently they do not appeal to him. I’d love to go to them. I’m hungry for more information, exposure to new people and it was awesome. I’ll just have to wait and see what he decides.
Today I worked on some crafts. I made a couple duct tape floggers to sell. If you are interested in one, head on over to my shop. I have the mono colored one listed so far, but I’ll get the duo color one up sometime tomorrow. I’m also working on a duct tape slapper that should be fun too
My diet is going okay. Either my scale is broken or I haven’t lost any weight in the 2 weeks I’ve been on phase 1 south beach. I’m about ready to toss in the diet thing though. I can’t stop trying to lose weight though, it’s part of Master’s deal breakers now. He hates to see me feel bad about my weight and so he figures that if I am constantly working on bettering my body that I’m happier. He’s probably right. I just miss bread and pasta a lot. It’s not like I abused them when I could have them, but there’s no gauranteeing that I’ll be able to have them in any part of phase 2 either. My body may not do well with them. *sigh* I still have time to make up my mind. I’m going to be really cooking it with exercise though. That’s where the real difference is.
I have an option then to just eat healthier, more whole grain items and smaller portions or stick with south beach diet. I just don’t know right now and I’m sure that the big hang up is that the scale is either busted or I am just way too fat for it (which I wasn’t about 6 mo ago). God I don’t know.
I did really well with the housework today. The house is actually clean and I feel good about it. Master commented on how clean the living room was and I liked having the laundry done and put away instead of living out of the baskets. We are going to get a different litter box system though. The cats seem to not know how to clean their paws out and we get litter tracked through the bathroom, in the hall and into our bed. Ick. I looked into the Breeze system. The litter pellets are way bigger and there are pads you change every 3 days. The pellets last a month and you just clean the waste off the top. Definitely going to try it as the pellets are way to big to get in little kitty paws! The cost differential is no more than I’m spending now in the litter.
We went out and got Master Guitar Hero and I’m watching him play and be all cool. It’s fun. He’s my sexy lead guitarist and I get to fuck him later! Our sex life is pretty darned good and he has some bondage fucking and the bag over my head oral planned for the near future. I’m excited and nervous. Play like this can cause major drops and while he’s very caring and wonderful I would much rather not have to go through them. (Especially since Ice Cream is still off limits!)
(Master, I think I’m ready.)
Waiting in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed while I hear your rummaging under the sink. You have told me that this will push my emotions and try my mental space as an object. I’m not sure I’m prepared for what is to come.
Returning, you have a brown paper bag in your hand and a pair of scissors. Laying them next to me on the bed you bind my hands behind my back, take off my glasses and quietly ask if I’m ready. You cock is already swollen and dripping precome as I nod slowly and bit my lower lip.
Cutting a hole in the paper bag you slip it over my head. The world turned into brown hazy darkness as the only available space is my mouth which you have conveniently lined the hole up with. I’m scared, really about how this will make me feel; more of an object than I have ever been before. Usually that gets me off, but this is dehumanizing. Am I able to take it?
You press my available mouth against your glans and insist I open my mouth. Fucking my face like some glory hole. That’s what I am. I’m just your glory hole. You get aggressive with me, fucking my face and making me gag. I slobber all over myself and all I can hear is the bag crinkling and rubbing against my head. Your hands now have hold of my head and fuck me faster. Your cock steadily grows firmer, harder than I’ve felt it before.
I shiver with object feelings. I’m tearing up but trying my best to give you what you want.
I am your glory hole.
Master is dealing with me in a bad funk. I just don’t want to do anything, I am not sexual feeling at all and it’s grating on his nerves. He asked me to do his foot massage and I really don’t want to do it. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it, but my heart isn’t in it. I’m actually horny but not in the mood for sex; how weird is that?
I’m troubled by my odd mood. Master sees it a lot lately and I’m not sure why I get this way. I could blame the depression, the hypothyroidism, the stress over my step-mom but really when it comes down to it, the problem is me. I know I can find a way through the fog and feel happy with my submission and the joy will come back.
I spent Sunday cleaning the living room in a methodical way. It’s the cleanest it’s been since…. god I don’t know when. The bedroom was supposed to be today, but Master and I woke up so tired that we didn’t get anything done. I’ll do it tomorrow.
I moved all my CDs onto the raid in MP3 format so I won’t use them anymore. Master is working on putting the DVDs we have onto the raid too. All of this will be stored in the closet then so that we can decrease the clutter we have around here. Last month Master allowed me to get a Sony Digital Reader. It’s like a Kindle only not I have 140 books on there right now, all classics. I am sending all of my classics that I have in physical form that I have on the digital to my best friend. This way there will be less book clutter. I’m feeling better about moving up in technology and removing clutter.
I’ve also started working on recycling in the kitchen… cleaning glass, plastic and tin, saving milk jugs and returning bottles. My next task once I get comfortable at this I think will be to make more things homemade. Being on a diet is a little difficult with that but I’m sure I can figure it out.
Master and I are dieting. I’m starting my second week of South Beach tomorrow. For Master, I’m just watching what he eats, giving him healthier options and he’s doing well. He is doing less coffee now too, which was his own choice. What’s frustrating right now is that the scale I use says I’m beyond what it can register. After a week of dieting I could hope for something in range, but I don’t know. I’ll know tomorrow morning when I weigh.
Lexi at Behind The Collar awarded me a Sexy Blogger Award! I’m so touched! She said, “She’s confident and and so devoted to her service. I envy her.” That’s really sweet, really. I am devoted, but only because it makes me so happy to be so true to myself. Thank you Lexi. You are awesome too, and very hot!
So, accepting the award comes with rules.
“This award comes with some rules. You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people.”
I know I can do this.
5 Sexy Things About Me
- My new nipple piercings! They make me feel so sexy because my nipples stay out and feel perkier since they don’t invert and hide. They are also more sensitive to touch; something I had been wishing would happen for a long time. I can’t wait for them to heal a bit so that Master can play with them too!
- My eyes. I have baby blues. Youcan see them in the pic up a the top of this blog. I’m constantly finding ways to enhance the vividness so that people can see them. My next step I think will be contacts. I wear glasses and they get hidden pretty easily.
- I’m comfortable with my body. That’s not to say that I like my body right now but I’m comfortable sitting around naked or mostly nude and can not be ubber concious that I’m very obese. I do imagine myself making it to be a size 18/20 as I was in college when I thought I was so very fat. Odd how that works. As long as I imagine it, I know I can get there.
- I want to help. I love to help people and that’s why I’ve started a site dedicated to doing that. It’s my baby and I feel wonderful doing that.
- My friends! I know this doesn’t seem to be about me, but if it weren’t for my friends I’d not feel as sexy as I do. They remind me that I am special (and in some cases famous).
The 4 Sexy People With Blogs
Sir Areli – She is an awesome friend and a sexy Dominant. I can’t help but be amazed at how she handles all the world throws at her and she still sparkles.
CarrieAnn – Have you seen her clips for sale yet? She’s hot hot hot!
Suze – I lust after her breasts and she knows people do… that’s why they are all over her blog.
Scarlet Lotus – She makes me proud to be a woman of size. Her thoughts and passions have my transfixed.
As most of you know, it is the First of May. I’d like anyone who can to go out and have sex outdoors for me, as Iowa is not kind for outdoor play today… brrr! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this: First of May by Jonathan Coulton