May 2009

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We had a pretty good munch today. A class on Spanking and Impact play went really well I think. Master was nervous as always. He gets sweaty palms, it’s so cute. I love his little nerves. He’s so smart and knows what he needs to know. I know that with every class he gets more confident. I love him so much.

If anyone remembers that I was doing Miss Abernathy’s Slave Training last year? I stopped abruptly because my ex-job took my book when I was fired and destroyed it. Well I got a new copy so I’m thinking I can get back into it soon. I’m going to have to go back one lesson and get back into mediation. I’m doing a lot of reading in a few new books about submission and slavery. Some are for Submissive Guide and while I know they will come in handy for that site, they are helping me too.

I’m working on my own training, my interalizing submission as an erotic feeling. That’s a goal to look for! I’m not sure how I’ll do that, but I’m wanting to make it pleasurable for my service. Master would enjoy it too. Right now, I like to see him smile and tell me he’s proud of me but I just get that lovely feeling. I just want to get that sexy feeling now too.

One of my big hang ups is that I don’t like my body right now. It’s evident in almost everything I do. I say it a lot too. I’m not really sure how to change my attitude except to exercise and eat right. Lose the weight and feel better. I must be sexy inside as well as out.



In the summer months I love to wear sun dresses. They flow and are lightweight, usually in bright vibrant colors. They make me feel feminine and beautiful. Master has been wonderful in feeding my love for swingy dresses. Since I have gained weight I can’t wear last years dresses yet. He got me 3 dresses this last month. I’m feeling beautiful again.

The dresses I got were from Walmart and Target. It’s another wonderful thought that even though I’m huge, I can find a few clothes at the cheap places. I’m hoping that by the end of summer I’m a size smaller. Hopefully.

And a perk for him is that I don’t like to wear underwear when wearing sun dresses. I like to feel the air move around, ya know? It’s a little treat for him to know that I’m available. I love teasing him.

The weight loss is scaring me. I’m really hoping that the exercise and food changes I’m doing will start to show on the scale in a few weeks. It would be good to see the scale go down you know. The lower it goes the sexier I feel. I want to be a slutty sexy beast for him. I want to feel it.


Memorial Day weekend was really hard. I spent most of the mornings before Master got up, crying or depressed. I just couldn’t keep thoughts of my deceased Grandmother and my stepmom Kathy’s fading twilight. It’s so hard to think of life without her and I’m just not ready to face it. I don’t want to face it.

Lingering for a long time is so painful for the ones who remain. Only she knows when she will exit and I hope it is peaceful (as peaceful as it can be). All we can do is wait. I hate waiting. I don’t like not knowing. I’m afraid to talk to her. She already knows the important things. Do I need to write and tell her? I don’t know. I’m so uncomfortable around death. Will I regret not telling her I love her one more time?

I regret not telling my grandmother that I was coming to visit 7 years ago. She died three days before I was to arrive, suddenly from a massive heart attack. I can hope that maybe my mother broke the secret and told her I was coming too. I don’t talk to my mother so I just don’t know. I’m sure she knows now, because I believe in a heaven or afterlife. It’s a small comfort for me. I hang onto physical possessions. They stand to remind me.

Will I do the same with Kathy’s? Most likely. They are her handiwork. They exist because she exists.

I didn’t tell Master that I was crying and upset. I kept it a secret. When he found out he was not pleased. I know I’m in trouble for not telling him. Master isn’t good at the emotional side of things like this. I know this so I try not to subject him to it. I thought I was doing him a favor. I am in the wrong though.

I don’t know how I will be disciplined but I think Master is waiting for my down moment to fade.


Memorial Day

Master and I have spent most of the weekend doing our own thing. I don’t think it’s a sign of any separation, just that since we are around each other 24/7 that this is our private time. Perhaps?

I’m feeling down this weekend. I want to visit my grandmother’s grave. I haven’t done so since she passed. I wish we could have gone to Shibaricon this year. I’m really itching to know what it’s like a regional or national event. I’m feeling the need to make some money of my own and Submissive Guide has the potential, I can’t make things move any faster than they are.

It’s a holiday but I think I’ll be working on things this afternoon. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.


My memory is going folks. It selective of course. I have problems remembering the things we do during the heat of the moment. I love reading the stories that others put on their blog about the sexual exploits. Unfortunately I just can’t remember specifics at all.

Master things it’s funny sometimes. He’ll reminisce about a good time and I’ll look at him like, ‘who were you with?’ Duh. I just don’t know why I can’t remember them. I suppose I should practice remembering. Like write about it as soon as it’s over type remembering. I know that you would love to hear the juicy details. (I would too, heh.)

Does anyone else have this selective amnesia?

I mean I can understand not remembering what happens during play if I’m floating. But sex? I mean come on, I’m there I’m really in the moment. But my memory checks out. Gah!

So, it really irks me, can you tell? I want to be able to remember the hot sex we are having, because damn it is.


I can not begin to list the number of hot naughty sex Master and I have had recently. It’s just been out of this world! We’ve had anal sex twice, after a 2 month draught due to stomache issues. I’ve been fisted and had a monster inflatable dildo put in, inflated and then fucked with it! I’m still loosey goosey but we haven’t stopped. Master got a new toy and he loves it; so do I since it means less stress for my carpal tunnel hands. It’s a fleshlight. This thing is awesome! I can’t recommend it enough because as far as male masturbators go this is king. Hot sex, trust me.

We’ve been playing more with breath play. Actually it’s more like Master presses my throat as he’s fucking me or getting me off. It’s so scary but I get so hot and juicy. I just can’t believe I’d like it. I have a suffocation fear so bad I can’t even put the covers over my face in bed. I trust him to know what he’s doing though and as long as it’s communicated to me before hand I’ll be fine. He’s been great with putting his hand at my throat and then saying something along the line of ‘Are you ready?’ I know he’d stop if I looked unprepared.

We are venturing into some fun waters as far as our kinky sex goes and I’m loving it!


Dracona tagged me and then thekittenpup tagged me… I guess that means I should do this ;)

1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged

So, my seven things:

1. My weight loss goal is more like a size goal. I want to be able to walk into any women’s clothing store and pick out XL clothes. That’s right, 1 XL, not 4 or 5 which is where I’m at now. That puts me right around 200 lbs for my height. I need to lose 150 lbs. I have a goal of 5 years.

2. I hate flying. I have to get on a plane some day to bid farewell to my stepmom and be there for my dad. I’m afraid that I will be humiliated and forced to pay for 2 seats. I can’t afford 2 seats.

3. One day Master will ask me to marry him, and as he already knows, I will say yes.

4. To simplify and declutter I am going all digital. That means DVDs will be ripped to the RAID, all music is already there and I bought a Sony digital reader for all of my books that I don’t need to keep in physical form. I’m gifting my music and books to my best friend and the DVDs are going into storage.

5. Since I lost my job I have learned a lot about how to feel happy at home. It’s still a struggle, but not nearly as confining as first thought. Being with Master all day has it’s joys.

6. I have considered on numerous occasions recently to scrap this blog and start over, fresh and brand new: no old archives. No one reads them anymore anyway. Still not sure though really. I’d like my own domain for my blog too, but that would have to wait.

7. Can you be a new trek fan? I love the cast of the new Star Trek. Went and got all the original series and movies…. I’m loving em, but nothing compares to the new film. Master and I have seen it twice.

Take Me Anyway

I read a post on persephone’s blog today that really had me thinking about my own desires. She talks about consensual non-consent and a rape fantasy that her boyfriend and her did one night. Yes it was hot to read, but it also made me think about the times that Master takes me when I’m not showing any desire for sex. It happens, but not a lot. Master is more into making sure I’m in the mood first which could mean that he’s getting less sex than he wants since his sex drive is higher than mine.

I know that I like to be taken and used, there are times I ask him just to take me, that I want to feel like an object. To me, that sounds like consensual non-consent and I get so turned on by it. He’ll do that occasionally and there are the late night visits that I love. I love it because he really gets controlling and sometimes aggressive. He cares to NOT CARE about what objections I’m saying. It’s very hot.

I find those moments to be very erotic and I know I get really wet and hot thinking about it. It’s not in Master to do that at any time he wants, he has to have ‘permission’. Kind of just an opening. I tell him that I’m in the mood for object sex and that will let him know that it would be open for him. I don’t know if one day he’ll realize that he doesn’t need ‘permission’ from me, that I’m wide open to it and even if I put up some struggle that’s part of the game.

It’s so hot to be forced. It’s very hot to be struggling against it. I love to hear his growling in my ear telling me to take it, or his hands holding my body down and the violation. I could do it more, or rather, I could have it done to me more.

It’s a common fantasy I’ve had for years. Sometimes it’s rape from a stranger, sometimes it’s Master forcing me, forced group sex even. The common theme is force. My desire NOT to do it makes me hot with desire.

Anyone else like consensual non-consent? What’s it like for you?


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