Sometimes Master likes me to give him pain when we play, especially when I’m jacking him off or something. I’ve mentioned it here before but I can’t be bothered looking in the archives. At first I was startled by this request, but I guess there is a bit of a masochist in Master after all. I was hesitant at first because I really didn’t want to hurt Master. I’d never read up on CBT or anything and wasn’t sure what he would ask of me.
Needless to say I overthought it for awhile. Master stays in control, so what is his request other than service? As his submissive I serve him in whatever capacity I can and learning and doing this to him as a part of our pleasure shouldn’t be a problem. I was afraid that he would become a switch and that our dynamic would change. I was sure that I’d be miserable as a top; I had had enough of that in my previous marriage. I’m happy where I am in my role, and now that he asked for these things was enough to cause me pause.
Now that I can see the pleasure he gets out of the things he asks me to do to him I know that I’m still his submissive. I get a sense of happiness that I’m able to bring him a more intense pleasure and that I can still be his submissive while doing it. I never thought I would be finding my own pleasure in his pain. Or perhaps it’s the vulnerability he shows during this that I love. He’s not a solid rock of a man all the time, yet he remains my Master. He shows me all of him. That is powerful and I love him all the more because of that.
I’m afraid of doing more than offering him pain play for sexual pleasure. I’m terrified of not being able to get back into submissive space afterward. I’m scared that I will become bossy and get in trouble. What if he asks me to be in control? Can I do that? Can I take the reigns and control him for a time and then switch right back without damaging our dynamic as it is? Could I think less of him because of this? I don’t know. I try not to think about it. I don’t want to face what could be.
Are any of you asked to top your Dominant on occasion? What’s it like for you? Do you find it hard to do? What about falling more into a top role instead of just serving for pain play? How do you feel if your Dominant wants to fully switch for a time and you are in control? Is it hard to switch back? What is your mental conditioning like to be able to do that?
–luna
Hi Luna, I have been scrolling through your thoughts on and off for about and week and a half. You have a nice writing style that gives me the relaxation I need while exploring my submissiveness further. I have ‘topped’ my partner before. He is a dominant, he is my husband and my best friend.. but we haven’t moved to the term “Master” yet. We feel we both need time to properly give him that title.
Oh! but I do submit as he is my Master. Just a look or a word can send me into a dizzy obilivion…. he has asked me to top before… I have topped probably about five or so times.
I do have a vivid imagination, and I usually work him over for three or more hours. I am in the place of serving him, and it is only ‘play’… not the soul searching ecstasy that crashes over me when I submit. It’s okay… it’s an itch he wants scratched occasionally… and I found that once I got past the fear, it was smooth sailing. Thanks for providing such a wonderful haven here.
holly xx