The attitude that I alluded to in my previous post is complex but I’ll try to explain.
Before all of this happened (my being fired, turning to stay-at-home, watching my step-mom die) I was in a pretty good mood all the time, I loved serving Master in whatever fashion I could. I did my rules, I was a good girl.
After this all piled up, I became extremely cranky, sensitive to any talking that could be miscontrued. I was depressed and didn’t want to do anything, I performed my service lazily or not at all. I turned down sex and sexual service. When Master asked me to do something I would do it with anger and looks of disgust and quite pissy. My manners failed, my polite behavior disappeared.
I’m obviously still not better. Getting the email from S. yesterday tossed me deep into a depression. I cried all night and woke up still crying. My eyes are watering really badly all day. I can’t get it to stop. I’ve been sleeping poorly since being fired. Master wants me to take some OTC sleeping aid tonight so that he can sleep well. I keep waking him up.
During our arguement last night Master said my only valid stress right now is my step-mom. That is the only thing out of my control. The other things are in my control. I still don’t see how it lessens me stress or depression, but I guess. He said that I need to look to how lucky I am. Not everyone can live at home and serve their Master full time, or work from home on their own websites. We aren’t struggling for money like so many are and even planning moving and renting a house. Stepping up, getting out of our current environment now that I’m not stuck needing to live near work.
So, there’s my attitude. Hopefully I can get over it sooner rather than later.
–luna
Possibly related posts:
I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
Tom's cunt (14)
WhippedBlade (11)
kitten (9)
Kayla (7)
Jessie Beth (6)
raven (6)
mr J (5)
anonymouse (4)
His mija (4)
Jessie Beth (4)
I’m sorry, but I disagree with your master. I suspect he’s never suffered from depression. In an earlier post, you mentioned that he told you to snap out of your depression within a week. It just doesn’t work that way! Depression can have a lot of causes, or no obvious cause at all. But losing your job, facing financial pressures, contemplating the loss of a loved one and making a major change to your work/life are all events that could lead one to experience depression. And you can’t just snap out of it!
You might want to read this list of symptoms of depression, and share it with your master:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms
I know you say in this post that money isn’t a factor, but in other recent posts you’ve definitely mentioned some money worries (such as only be able to afford one trip to your Dad’s), so it must be affecting you to some extent.
Personally, if I were you I’d make an appointment with my primary care physician and consider talking to a therapist.
J – I’m already on antidepressants and have been for almost a year now. Thanks for the suggestion for a dr visit.
I’ve already been round and round with him about my depression and it’s symptoms. It’s a losing battle.
regardless of whether or not you have clinical depression, you still make choices about what you actively do. whether you are depressed or not, you CHOOSE whether or not to snap back at Him, to do or not do your chores, to reply with impoliteness as opposed to politeness.
your depression is an issue you may have to work out with a couunselor, but i believe that your actions are NOT. they are something you are going to have to ACTIVELY voluntarily change. even if you are diagnosed with clinical depression and are put on medication, those things will still remain in YOUR court.
even if you DO have clinical depression, one of the behavioural types of therapy is to actively work toward more positive behaviour: going out with friends instead of staying at home. looking at positive things and actively choosing NOT to dwell on negative issues.
there are more treatments for depression than just drugs, and if you have a more situational kind of depression (which is different from clinical depression) then actively doing those things may help much more than any pill would.
i do agree with J though, that you might want to speak with a therapist, but i also heavily agree with your Master. take an accounting of yourself and your situation. think on good things, actively chose your course of action.
(this is me, not being as nice as some people might, but telling you that you are in control of your life, honey, regardless of how much of that control you give over to another, and your actions, your actual for real ACTIONS are entirely your area of control. your emotions are less concrete, and could have MANY grounds and bases, but action? that’s all yours.
cry if you need to, punch something in private if you have to, go to therapy if you need to. but depression is not an excuse to throw your rules out the window. i’m with your master a great deal more here than some others would be, but i guess.. well, it’s because i know the kind of bunk psychotherapists will pull to get money. (clinical psych degree, thanks!) and i also know that behaviour is often purely up to the client, not the meds.
be PROACTIVE. not REACTIVE. if you feel sad, it may or may not be your fault. if you take things the wrong way, it may or may not be a chemical imbalance that is affecting your perceptions. but, if you snarl and snap at Him and neglect duties given to you, it IS your fault.
i sympathize with you, i really do. i understand the difficulties that are coming out all over in your posts, and it’s really obvious that you’re having emotional issues. i feel that you’re probably going to get many many posts that will tell you ALL about going to therapy and getting drugs, and very few that are going to give you practical advice. (since i’m not your therapist, that’s all it technically is: advice.) i thought you might do well to have another perspective, though, and that’s mine.
(for the record, i have never been diagnosed with Clinical depression, as i do not have clinical depression. if your master doesn’t have clinical depression, that doesn’t mean He has never been depressed, however. i’m kind of irked by the way J put that in her comment. you might ASK him if he’s ever had a depressive episode in his life. might gain some insights.)
Master’s ~melly
Thank you. I do appreciate every comment I get, even if I don’t agree with it. I take each of them and can see how someone else sees what is going on and it does help me get some perspective.
I see exactly how you explained and yes that’s how it is. I take a lot of negative things in my life and dwell on them for long periods of time. Happy moments don’t get nearly enough attention. These negative moments make me snarly and aggressive. Things that I CAN change about how I respond to things.
Thanks again.
I think Master’s ~melly has some good points. And maybe I put it too strongly when I assumed that your master hasn’t suffered from depression. But having suffered from depression, I know that it’s not something you can necessarily just snap out of, and his prior order, which Luna related, that she had a deadline to get over her depression seemed ridiculous (and irked me!) because it’s not something you can just snap out of. (And Luna, since you mention that you’ve been on antidepressants for a while, you obviously understand this. With that knowledge, it sounds like there might be even more benefit to talking to your doctor…maybe the time has come for a change in meds or change in dosage, since it sounds like they’re not working as well as they previously have.)
I do think ~melly has good suggestions re. sticking to a routine, taking ownership of your responsibilities and keeping on task.
I wish this time was easier for you. At this point I think it’s very important to put your own health and personal life to the front of anything else. You can only be the best for others when you’re the best for yourself. It may sound silly but it’s true. There is nothing wrong with dealing with depression, nothing wrong with anything anyone has said above – but in order for you to focus on what is important in your life, what is right in front of you, dealing with family members needs to be pushed to the back burner. This does NOT make you less of a wonderful daughter, step-daughter, nor friend – it makes you an intelligent woman that knows when too much is simply too much. Although I cannot speak to the relationship you have with your master, I can speak to the family issue – your step-mother knows you love her, your father knows you think of him. Know that that is enough for right now. Your father is taking excellent care of his wife. That is all any of us could want. Take care of yourself and email me if you need anything.
Luna – a question, if i may? when you worked, and i mean in general, not specifically at the last place, did you place personal, emotional importance with the work you did and the people you worked for? I know i did, i’m not the kind of person who can turn up, do a job mindlessly, and then go home again and as soon as i step out of the door of the workplace, drop all work worries and cares. (It’d probably be better if i could). I know when i had problems with the people I worked for a few years ago i took it as a personal rejection. I wonder if this is the same for you, that you’ve taken being fired that same way, and this is what has triggered your depression?
I do feel your Master is perhaps being a little unfair by saying that the only valid stress you have at the moment is your stepmom. I think i know what he was driving at, but at the same time, telling someone who is upset that their emotions have no validity isn’t ever going to help someone. I think perhaps – and feel free to correct me if i am wrong – he was simply pointing out that the facts, the basis for the emotions, are not worth getting upset over. E.g. work, maybe a better way of looking at it is that they’re the ones losing out because they no longer have your services, your care for their systems, and they’re the ones that will lose out in the long run. I don’t know how he phrased it, but i also know, again, from myself, that if something is said to me, and there’s two possible ways to take something, negative or positive, i almost always go for the negative meaning. Even sometimes something that is almost neutral, but has negative meaning for me, because it was said in such a nasty way by someone else, means that i then treat the other person like i was talking to the original person that said it. There are times when Master will say to me: “I am NOT your parents!” .. and what he means by that is: stop taking everything i say like they’re saying it, with currents of meaning that you should be getting, because i’m not saying those currents! I wonder if you’ve taken Master’s statement, the validity statement, the same way, and that has come across in how you’ve relayed it to us? (I am very very aware in listening to an argument that we usually only ever hear one person’s side of it).
I also know, and again, this is from experience, that much of depression has to do with how you see the world. Its like with your current situation, working for the home: you can either see it as “my god, i am *so* lucky to be at home, close to Master all the time, able to really get close to him, serve our home to the best of my ability and have time to work on the things i love, to be supported, emotionally and financially by him”… or you can see it as “I got fired. I’ve got to do this cos i’ve no other option, i can’t find a job in the current economic climate. This is second best. I’m not doing this cos i deserve it, i’m doing this cos i screwed up”. And, Luna, no matter what you say, i strongly suspect your thoughts, your private thoughts, are tending towards the second set of thoughts, because you’re so miserable.
Do you know anything about CBT? (and no, i don’t mean whacking men’s genitals!). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, i think it stands for, and its basically about training yourself to have more positive, better thoughts. Google it. I think its something that could be extremely helpful for you for certain things. I’m no therapist, not qualified in anything so take all of what i say with a large pinch of salt but i wonder if something as simple as an elastic band around your wrist, which you ping against yourself when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts would be a step forward? In correspondence with that, write out positive thoughts – your own, that is, not copied from the net – and stick them around the place. E.g. on the fridge, inside the door of the cupboard where you keep the coffee things, where you wake up in the morning. Perhaps you could also go through the comments from your blogs, and print out some of the really positive compliments that have been paid to you as well, put them around the place too. One of the hardest things to get used to about being at home (as opposed to the workplace) is that your social interaction is drastically reduced: and this also cuts the amount of compliments you might get, for example, if you dressed really nicely one day. So if no one else is going to give you those comments, you’d better give them to you instead!
Finally: and again, this is something i wonder about from my own personal experience, and forgive me for the personal, pointed question: are you letting the time at home, where there might be only Master to see you on a daily basis, mean to you that you don’t have to dress up, shower, do your hair, look nice and so on? If you’re slobbing around in comfy, old, but not terribly flattering clothes, maybe just putting your hair back in a ponytail, no makeup, no jewellery, then this is a big mistake. Wear old clothes for cleaning or gardening, sure, but after that – get dressed nicely. You feel better, you look better, and it carries through everything. Flylady has a good term for it – getting dressed to shoes. And yes, i know exactly how hard that can be – i’m currently sat here in really old, dirty (muddy) tracksuit bottoms, boots, no bra, a vest that could really do with going in the laundry, no jewellery apart from a ring i always wear and my collar, and my hair scraped back in a pony tail. Its a battle i constantly have – and if you don’t have it, then for gods sake, don’t let yourself slip that way. Keep dressing nicely, even if its casual, just dress with care and thought instead of throwing any old clothes on.
*hugggggggggggsss*.. you’re in my thoughts, hon –
keth
xx
I’d also agree with melly about choices and actions. And boy, i know exactly how hard that one is to put into practice. How often do you hear people say “I had no choice?” Its truly very very very rare that someone has absolutely no choice in something: what they really mean is that they have a choice, but that the other route is something even more unpalatable than what they’re doing now! She’s absolutely right in that you always have a choice as to how you *act* on what you feel. Your emotions are never wrong – how can they be? they’re just emotions, and i don’t believe people really have much control over them. What they do have control over is what they do about those emotions.
For example: next time you get pissy when he asks you for sex/sexual service, explore those emotions, but at the same time, pull back, keep part of yourself cold, and ask what is the correct way to respond to those emotions? Obviously the right way is going to be different for you and your Master than it would be for someone else, but i wonder: would he be upset if you said to him, honestly, but calmly (i.e. not shouted, not with passion, or anger): “Master, i’m not feeling in a good place right now, i’m a bit pissy, and i don’t want to be that way while i service you. May i have 10 minutes to go away, deal with my pissiness, and get my service hat on, and come back to you to perform your order?” I’m 99% sure my Master wouldn’t object to such a request, especially if it meant the difference between grudging, lacklustre sex and enthusiastic, wonderful sex. What that means though is that you’d have to make damn sure you follow up and be ready in 10 minutes (or however long) because otherwise, he won’t trust you the next time you ask for that break.
ack i screwed up!!! i can’t edit this, but if you can read it so that the “and finally…” paragraph goes at the end of it all.. DUH!!!
*huggss*
xx
you suggested the clinical therapy method i would have used here…thank you for being so much more eloquent about it than me and my hard-nosed approach. i was being kinda.. simple, and kind of straight up, and i guess i could have taken a bit more time and been a LOT more informative. you’re awesome. that was a great comment.
Master’s ~melly
*blushes*.. thankyou