More Indepth Discussion

By lunaKM on March 11, 2009

Wow keth, if I didn’t have readers and commenters like you I don’t know what I would do! Your last comment was a huge help and an insight that I didn’t see until you pointed it out. Sure made me feel good and frustrated all at once.

I was raised to place emotional and personal importance in my work, it was valued more than my other character traits from my family and friends. It’s just the way I roll with things. If I was critiqued at work, I took it personally, sometimes too personally. When I was fired I felt that I was being personally attacked. I’ve not made any contact with anyone I used to consider work friends because the shame I feel for being fired. I still feel humiliated, but I’m getting better. I’ve not had a dream about work calling me up and begging me to come back in about a week.

I’ve been dealing with depression for over a year, but my meds don’t seem to be cutting it with this new stress. I’m tempted to call my doctor and ask for a higher dose or something. I’ll put it on my to do list. I was put on meds last August because I was really down but couldn’t explain why. Then when the thyroid meds were on board, I asked to stay on the anti-depressants until after K. died because I wanted a buffer so that the event wouldn’t drop me into a dumb stupor that my grandmother’s death did.

I’ve always been a ‘glass half-empty’ type of person. I’m a party pooper, a negative seeker and it’s always been that way. So seeing just how lucky I am is gonna have to take a slap in the face really. And trust me, I’ve gotten several so I get it, I really do. I’m a damn lucky lady to be able to live our dream life so early in our explorations.

Since I’ve been fired I’ve spent most of my days in a rope and pony tail. I have to force myself to remember to put on make up to leave the house. I have dreams of dressing up nicely everyday, but just haven’t done it. I know this is related to my depressive state and I will do that change first. I have a morning routine that I need to rewrite now that I’m not leaving for work but I can do most of it now without a problem.

I also wonder if I need to get up earlier so that I have more alone time before Master gets up. I love my weekends becuase I have from the time I get up till noon before Master gets up to just hang around and be myself. It’s my alone time. Right now I have 2 hours before Master gets up everyday. I think I’ll work with that and stop wasting it in front of the news first and actually do my routine.

The sex service thoughts deserve a post of their own and I’m working on how I think about it. It’ll come at some point. Thank you keth for your thoughts, they really have helped.

–luna

Possibly related posts:

One response to “More Indepth Discussion”

keth
March 13, 2009 at 7:52 am | Permalink | Reply

you’re welcome, Luna. I think i see a lot of myself in you, we share a lot of the same traits, which is why i feel like i know where you’re coming from.

Couple more thoughts from what you’ve said: It might be worth getting in touch with someone from work again. They may be able to fill you in on more background on the circumstances for your firing, that may help you to put it to rest once and for all. Could well be, that in these times, that they were looking to cut the wages paid out to people, so they were looking for excuses to fire people, or something like that. At least then, if you know that’s the situation, you know it wasn’t personal and you can keep telling yourself, that it wasn’t a personal rejection. I know it’ll be hard as you still feel humiliated but here’s another way to look at it: if it goes badly, all you have to do is hang up and never speak to them again. Its not like you have to work with this person again, even more so if you n your Master are planning a move away from the area. its a risk, to be sure, but i think it has potential payoffs, and one worth taking, but discuss it with your Master, see what he thinks.

When you live together 24/7 “alone time” is a very important part of managing your relationship. That isn’t a reflection on your relationship in any way, rather its a simple statement, even more so, i think, when you’re involved in a D/s relationship. Every person needs time to simply “breathe”, to be alone without any other demands on them, to simply be themselves. Its a kind of grounding. In our relationship, because Master is home 24/7 as well, we stagger our bedtimes: he stays up until around 8am, then comes to bed, and gets up around 3pm (part of this is also because he suffers with sleep-related problems, it not purely to do with our relationship), i go to bed around 2am and get up around 8 hours later. That gives us both alone time, and on the occasions where our routines have been thrown out for some reason and one of us is invading the other’s alone time, so to speak, even if its for a really good reason it still leaves us feeling somewhat grumpy. I use my alone time to wake up, surf the net, and then to get on with various projects. I try to do those things that require me to spread out over the desk then, and have them put away by the time Master gets up. But you know, that’s me, that’s what works for me, you have to find what works for you.

I’d also say this: even if you’re in a rope dress and a pony tail for the day, that doesn’t prevent you putting in some nice studs on your ears (assuming they’re pierced), maybe putting on a little make up, doing your hair nicely. I took a leaf out of my own book yesterday and dressed with a bit more care than i usually do, and was gratified with a nice smile on Master’s face. I felt pretty good for the rest of the day too!

Ok I’m gonna stop there or there’ll be another long post in your comments…!!

*hugggggggsss*.. let us know how its going, eh?

keth
xx