Master and I had an argument tonight. I’m still in a bad attitude since getting fired and Master said last week that the attitude stops and it hasn’t. The discussion was full of stress, and crying and miscommunication. I think we’re back on a solid footing, but I’m sure I have a lot of work to do to get back into the right attitude that he expects of me.
I’ve been pissy and moppy and annoying to him. It’s not very submissive and I’m failing in my role right now. I really wish this was all easy but it really isn’t. It’s not all roses. I’m still feeling bad about losing my job, but Master said that I need to see just how lucky I really am right now. Yes I’m lucky. I could be totally screwed, but instead Master is allowing me to try stay at home (in fact he suggested it). He’s happy with the decision, he has told me twice now that his dream life is almost complete.
I wish I could say the same. Stay at home is really hard to adjust to. I feel like I need to be earning my keep, working as hard as he is. I need to be trying to make some money with my Submissive Guide soon, I need to be trying to get going with the little toy store I want to have. I don’t know how much housework each day is enough, I don’t know how much website work is too much. I just feel kinda lost. I have a few routines I’m establishing and I’m getting things clean. It feels good to walk around and see a clean home.
On another front I’m really stressed about my step mom and my dad. If you haven’t been reading my step mom is dying of cancer at a rather rapid pace. Right now I know I need to go out to VA to see Dad, but I’m in a quandry. I can only afford one trip, so do I go while K. is still alive or after to comfort Dad? I’d love to see K. again, but I’m terrible at bedside manner and get really uncomfortable around medical stuff. I’m not any easier around my dad. With my childhood and how awkward he is anyway it doesn’t mean I’ll be very comfortable either way. I haven’t talked to Dad yet about flying out there. I’m going to have to do that soon.
So there it is.
–luna
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I just fired you off an email about this. Know I’m thinking of you during this time.
I think the stay-at-home stuff will settle in time. It really is a big adjustment to make, especially with the whole guilt factor (I still have periods of feeling guilty and it’s been a couple of years for me now). The schedules and the routine will fall into place. Just be patient.
About your dad and step-mom – is this something that you’d feel comfortable asking them which they’d prefer? If you explain you can only make one trip, would they like to see you now or later? I would think K would like to see you before she passes, but that’s such a personal decision. I’m really sorry you have to make that kind of choice at all, that’s a terrible position to be in. My heart goes out to you.
*hugs*
kayas recent blog post..Q&A – almost done.
I really do hope the routines settle out and I feel better soon. It’s really driving me batty.
I got the email from Sage ^^ and her mom is to a point that she’s sleeping more than awake and has difficulties with memory. I’m not sure being there for her would matter at this point. I’d be crying all the time just seeing her. My dad is very stressed out though and I don’t know if I can be there now. It’s a tough decision to make but I’m not going to give Dad a choice. I’m just going to call him once I know what I’m doing and tell him my decision.
Maybe I can bring some light to the trip and take a train down to NC to see my best friend. I haven’t seen her or her son in 4 years.
Luna – looking at your twitter, and forgive me if i’ve read this wrong, but it seems like your step mom isn’t recognising people any more? if that’s the case, and you still feel strongly about not wanting to see her like this, then it becomes more about when your dad wants you there, and when you feel you can do the most good. And like kaya said, that’s something that can really only be answered in a conversation with him. I don’t know the ins n outs of your history with your dad, but i do know that death, funerals and family all adds up to one big pile of stress, and out of that, can come a whole pile of stuff, from good stuff like good decisions, resolutions and closure, through to bad decisions, pain, arguments and rifts that can take years to put right. All you can *ever* do is to do what feels right to you at that particular point in time, and as long as you know you’ve done your best with what you had at that point, anything else is irrelevant.
Staying home is a difficult thing to master. I feel that guilt and i stay home on two counts – not just because he wants me to, but also because of a bunch of health problems that add up to me just not being employable. And i STILL feel guilty when we don’t have enough money! Its so ingrained in us to bring in money, to go out to work, that when we do stay home, we see it as being lazy, even though, often, the person staying at home drives themselves harder and for longer than the person going out to work. I think too you need to start to see the value in what you do to support your Master. Lets say you keep his office tidy. That’s time that he doesn’t have to take out to do, so it lets him be more productive in other areas that maybe do bring in money. In a very real sense, you’re actually contributing to the productiveness of the household when you perform tasks like that, and that has a knock on effect monetarily. Lets say also, that you have an erroneous electricity bill come through the door. You call the company, sort it out, and not only get the error fixed, but some money taken off as well. Not only have you saved money directly, but you’ve also saved your Master time from calling himself. Those are made up examples, but I’m sure if you think about it you’ll see areas where you are contributing in other ways. Its no accident that they used to say: behind every successful man lies a woman.
I think as well, you need to be a little bit kinder to yourself. You got fired. You’re trying to adjust to a new job. Your step mom is dying. You’re now working from home, along with your Master, which means you’re ontop of each other 24/7. that all adds up to one big pile of stress – no wonder you’re unhappy, moping and not coping well! Be realistic – you’re not going to adjust to all this in a matter of weeks – it’s going to take MONTHS to adjust, if not years.
You don’t say what the right “attitude” is with Master, but i think maybe you should have a think about all this: bad attitude could be anything from taking out your anger/frustrations on him, not serving him at all, or not anticipating his needs, or even serving him in an angry way, slamming things around (you get the idea), none of which is good. It could also be serving him anyway, but not with a smile, perhaps with your thoughts with your mom. Again, maybe not good but i think far more understandable than the first lot, and – for me, anyway, more forgiveable. Do you know what the “bad attitude” is that he’s unhappy with? I know often, that when Master accuses me of having a “bad attitude” its not even that he’s pissed if i’m unhappy with his orders. Its that i’m *angry* with his orders, and showing it. I’m perfectly allowed to not like his orders, as long as i get on with it. I’m not even required to smile. I’m not even required to perform his orders with a flourish, with that extra effort i might do with orders i do like. All i have to do is to do it.. without slamming around. It may be something like that with your Master – and that he actually doesn’t require you to act as though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your life, that you aren’t going through some major upheaval and having some difficult readjustment to things, just to not take it out on him, to give him the same level of service that you always gave him.
If that is the case, maybe try to find other ways of dealing with some of the stress and anger. I dunno. Maybe put a photo of the person who fired you on a darts board and lob darts at it. write out your feelings onto paper, use all sorts of swear words, get all your bad thoughts out, then burn the paper. I used to beat up a pillow, that helped a lot.
again, i know there’s a lot here, and if i’m talking out my arse for any of it, then feel free to ignore it
*hugs*.. and i hope things sort themselves out soon.
keth
xx
and i saw your reply to kaya’s post re: not giving your dad a choice after i posted my long post.. So ignore the part where i said talk to your dad..
*hugs*
I’ll be talking about all of this more in today’s post, so I’m going to skip replying to you here. Hope you don’t mind!