Finding Feelings

I’d like to thank everyone for commenting on my venting post about a disagreement Master and I have had over and over again in our relationship. I really did take all of your thoughts to heart. After having the long difficult discussion with Master I went away and wrote in my physical journal. It’s private enough that even Master doesn’t read it. Since then I’ve been pretty darn good.

My attitude has changed immensely and I am trying to show him that I really do care for him as my Dominant and as my love. I’m really hoping that I can show him I am ready to be available when he needs it or wants it. I need to make myself more emotionally available to him though during these times and that’s the challenge.

Master understands the idea that feelings can’t be expected during service, but I serve him differently when I’m not feeling it and it becomes unsatisfactory and unsatisfying for him. It is quite visible. The blow job given with feeling is more enjoyable from him then one given in service. The unconditional love idea from the previous post’s comments is a nice one, but not exactly what Master wants. I’ve tried to let him know I will do it no matter my feelings and then I don’t treat it the same as I do when I’m happy doing it.

Service, when it comes to sexual activites needs to have feeling. There’s just no way around it. So, I need to get in touch with my sexual desire and keep it going all the time for him. He has realistic expectations in that now he’s asking for what he wants and giving me a time frame to do it in. I will endevor to do it in the timeframe he requests. This should give me time to find my sexual desire to do whatever it is he has requested.

I’ve also been very cranky since losing my job, as expected. But now I’m ready to embrace my living at home plans, work on a routine and not make Master regret his choice to give me a chance at trying stay at home life. He’s a bit depressed as he sees we now have to pay for self-employment taxes, health insurance and a few other bills that have come in. All of his precious money that he’s working harder for, is going out faster than he expected. We’ll still be fine, but he’s stressing. I can understand and showing him the budget should be comforting. We’ll be fine.

My mood this last week has also to do with my PMS which has hit me so hard that my boobs hurt to have a bra on, brush them up against anything or sleep how I like to (on my stomach). I can only hope that I gets better when it finally starts. I just feel horrible.

I’ve been working hard on SubmissiveGuide.com and I’m sure that someday in the next few months I can start to offer online classes. I’ve never been so happy with a website before. I’m constantly looking for more post ideas, so if you have questions you’d like answered or ideas for topics geared towards new submissives, please let me know. I’m also looking for someone willing to do a series of posts on Polyamory since I’m not familiar with it at all. I have a few topic ideas, but can’t answer any of them. Anyone interested?

Possibly related posts:

1. Our Ideal Relationship
2. Serving to Serve vs. Serving for Pleasure
3. All a Matter of Thought
4. Negative Positive
5. Feeling Sexy and Serving