laurie’s ramblings of a madwoman
It’s been just over a week since I lost my job. I’ve been home everyday trying to learn a new way of living at home. I don’t have a routine started yet. I’m just trying to figure out my daily chores, work with Submissive Guide and trying to keep the dreams at bay.
That’s right. I’ve had some horrible dreams. All of them pertaining to my lack of work. Some of them are my old boss calling and asking desperately for help with something that I didn’t document that I do. My old co-workers calling to ask for help doing something. My loss of health insurance also plagues me now that I have a continuing need for thyroid meds and anti-depressants.
My step mom is nearing the end of her battle with cancer and I feel at a loss. I can’t go there like I had hoped now that I’m unemployed. I don’t know how to help my dad or comfort him. I’m still trying to comfort myself.
Hopefully next week I can do all of the housework that needs to be done and balance my website work too. I want to savor being home and being available for Master and serving him by caring for his house and his love. It’s just the start of the path.
Can you do me a favor? I know this is essentially self-promotion, but if you find The Submissive Guide useful and worth keeping going, could you help me out?
First, you could always donate a bit of spare change to keep me buzzing with hot tea and chocolate. You can send it to me via the donate form on the right sidebar.
I also have several options for advertising. If you have a site or business you’d like to advertise on Submissive Guide, please see my Advertising page.
If you don’t have the cash, but would love to help me anyway I would be thrilled!
Please, just take a moment and spread the word. I’m here, I’m willing to mentor and share my experience, give me an hand and let the world know.
Spread the word about it. Here are a few things you can do to help me out.
Just let everyone know that you’ve found a great new resource that deserves attention.
The anticipation of the kiss, the touch, the exposure.
2. Do you have “a most exciting part of a sexual encounter” with a usual partner?
Yup, when Master undresses and his cock is exposed for the first time; it gets me excited every single time. Doesn’t quite work the same though if he’s already naked and decide to fuck. It has to be hidden first and then exposed.
3. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you just met?
Not open at all. I just met them, they don’t need to know to make an impression of me.
4. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you work with?
Well, obviously we all know how that went. I was fired because someone at work saw what I was looking at online. So um, yeah now I work from home with Master.
5. How open and honest are you about your life with a casual acquaintance who lives in your neighborhood (or the parent a your child’s friend or…)?
Why would I need to be? These are silly questions. I’m an exhibitionist, but I’m not looking to get shunned any time soon.
Today is the first day of really getting into a habit that will develop into a routine for me to follow. I’ve never done well being home with nothing to do, so I’ve had to come up with all sorts of things to do to keep me busy. Thankfully I craft a lot and I can start making things to sell, as well as things to use around the house.
My plans are to
I can’t say how long it will take me to get into a groove and be completely happy with my decision to try the ideal relationship. I don’t know how long the test will last if I fail before Master says to go get a job. I need to make sure we both don’t get cabin fever. I know that we can be more playful and sexual now that I’m home.
Once Master has noticed that I’m settled in my new routine he said we will be working on a more formal protocol at home and my rules will increase. It’s exciting and scary. I’m reaching one of my dreams staying at home. It’s almost surreal that we can actually afford for me to do this. I thought we’d have to be rich first, ya know. It’s always been prefaced before with, ‘When we are rich, I can stay at home and work…’ Master is sure we can do it with his current income and I’m willing to try, for sure.
It’s scary but so very sought after in this lifestyle. I hope that I can make it work for us.
After a bit of discussion with Master, asking advice from other submissives and really searching my heart if it were possible, Master and I have decided to try to have me be a stay at home submissive. I will be learning a more formal protocol and structure, keeping a clean and organized house, learning simple and green living, developing my 2 online income ventures Submissive Guide and luna’s BDSM Crafts (still in heavy development and planning). I’m also tossing around the idea of making the best of BDSM is Love into an e-book. I have over 1500 posts to pick from. Since there isn’t a lot of play described on this blog, I don’t know how well it would do as an erotica book, but I can see novice submissives buying it. We’ll see if time allows for this.
Today I got up at 7am. I did the dishes, cleaned the kitty box and wrote up my to do list for today, opened my home management journal to see what I had planned for Thursdays. Now I have goals, I have time and I have preparedness. I think I can do this. I really liked being the one to wake Master instead of an alarm.
It’s not going to be an easy adjustment. I’ve got to keep myself busy at first to see what I can accomplish and what I can do on my own. I’m hoping it means more play too, since the stress of working away from home is gone. I also wish more than ever that Master had an office. It would seem more like I have a domain and he has his instead of me invading his during the day. I don’t want to disturb him, but I don’t want to avoid the living room either.
Perhaps we’ll be able to move this fall. We might be able to afford a 2 bedroom and make one his office. Then who knows.
Yesterday was a horrible day in my life. I only have me to blame for it since I could have not done any internet surfing and I wouldn’t be in this situation. I think that no matter what websites I was looking at I would have been fired for violating their internet policy. I’m not arguing it. I left without saying a word.
I cried a lot last night, I feel guilt, loss, anxiety, paranoia and fear. I must have cried in my sleep because I woke up with sticky eyelids and a wet pillow. This morning, the friends and contacts I had made will find out that I am no longer there.
I feel vengeful too. I want the contract to fail, I want them to realize how hard they have it now that I’m gone. I want the contacts to hate the new person and beg for my return. I want them to screw up so bad with the new person, or the billing, or realize that I left with so much information not written down and they can’t figure out how I did something. I’ve been assured that this feeling is normal.
This morning I got up and made Master’s coffee. Last night we went over the 2 website business ventures that I can be working on while I look for work. If they seem promising I could go into business for myself. Master will increase his hours to full time and make more than we did together when I was working. We will be fine for money.
However, the first thing to go last night was Shibaricon dreams. We canceled the registrations and hotel reservations. It’s just not feasible to not have me working for extra money and try to save it at the same time. It would put too much stress on Master. Maybe next year. There will be rope pleasure though, as the second Two Knotty Boys book, Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes will arrive tomorrow. I can’t wait for Master to tie me up again!
So now I figure out a new routine, filed for unemployment, look for a job, work on my websites and try to get some income off of them. (BTW if you are interested in advertising or donations for Submissive Guide, please contact me)
We’ll survive. I have a wonderful Master that keeps saying we’ll be fine and he’ll take care of me because that’s what he wants to do. One day I hope to say it myself. Right now, it’s just a holding pattern.
I have been fired for looking at my websites from work. Sucks but I can’t say it’s not fair. I broke policy. Now what do I do?
1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?
My favorite charity is the National Leather Association Domestic Violence Project. I have raised money through Blogathon in previous years and will continue to do so.
2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
It’s a queen size mattress and box on the floor. We broke the bed frame over a year ago and never replaced it. I sleep on whatever side is nearest the bathroom. I have poor coordination and vision at night. Closer is better.
3. How important is a partners kissing ability?
Very important. I love love love kissing.
4. Have you ever “taken advantage” of a person under the influence of alcohol? Have you ever been “taken advantage” of while under the influence of alcohol?
No and no.
5. Ever tried to replay the famous scene from From Here to Eternity? How was it?
I actually had to watch the clip to know what was talked about and no, I’ve never done that.
The prelude to Valentine’s day was already written about in Turning Up The Heat but that was just the night before. The two weeks before I had set up automatic love tweets on twitter to Master. He enjoyed it immensely. Now the day had come. I was able to make a very romantic day for Master.
Dinner was in the crockpot by 9:30am. Pot roast, yum.
I snuck out to Walmart in the morning and got a few things for the day. When I came home I curled back into bed with him and snuggled up against him. He woke up horny and I took good care of him. Fucking him is so great, so hot and the best I’ve ever had.
Then I made his coffee and offered him an apple turnover.
I let him relax and wake up as I went around and lit the lilac candles around the house.
More sex later on was hot and steamy.
We relaxed the rest of the day till dinnertime. Master worked on his current website work and I did my own work.
Dinnertime we had the yummy pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy goodness. Dessert brought out the next romantic interlude. I opened the sparkling wine and flutes, and Master’s dessert; red velvet cake. (I’m on a diet and can’t have cake.)
I fed Master bite by bite and we sipped the wine. I enjoyed the pleasure of feeding Master. We finished our dessert and cuddled for quite a long time on the sofa.
At bedtime we had some wonderful hot sex again. Mmmm.
But that wasn’t all. Sunday there was more.
After lunch I laid our rose petals on the bed. You can get them in the crafts area at Walmart near the wedding stuff. Then I had Master lay down on the bed in the petals, I lit the candles in the bedroom, incense going and gave him a sensual massage. I wanted to focus on sensuality so no sexual touching happened. It was very romantic to me and I know Master loved it.
All in all, a very very nice Valentine’s weekend.
Master has looked at his Valentine’s Day card 3 times today. It’s just a silly card with Giraffes on the front and an I love you inside.
I started out Valentines Day yesterday with a night of cock worship. I had Master lay on the bed in our room with just a light and some soft music. I set my goal to tease him and really give him what he’s been asking for. I used the music as a timer somewhat. I’m terrible at judging time and tend to go to fast in my teasing.
I softly touched his body, my fingertips tracing every inch of him. He trembles with the slightest touch. I like watching the gooseflesh. I savored the moments where he let me do what I will with him.
The next song came on and I slipped into carressing him with more contact. I wanted him to be really turned on before I got to his cock, where the passion would play out. I traced his inner thighs and up his sides, I drew my nails across his chest. It was quite enjoyable.
He has the most sensitive man-nipples. They are like a direct line to his cock. I lick and tickle them, nibble and flick them with my fingernails. He groans and bucks and moans. That is so very hot!
There is power in Master allowing me free reign over his body like that. And only when I take it to be his pleasure rather than a chore do I really enjoy it myself. This was going to be one of those nights.
In the next few songs I moved on top of him and kissed him deep, I nibbled his neck and teased him with my breasts across his chest, sliding down along his body, grinding against his cock and then further, kissing his body on the way down till I came face to cock with his excitment.
Anyone hear the song Lolipop cover lately? Oh yeah, his dick was like a sucker in my hand and I bathed it with my tongue. Teasing the head and shaft, caressing his balls. Sucking just the head in until he bucked for more.
And then I gave it to him. I sucked him in deep and fast, I teased him. Sucking and licking until he moaned and bucked hard, nearing his climax and then… I stopped. I squeezed his cock to stop the twitch. Oh how I loved watching him struggle.
I went back to his cock, sucking again, this time slowly and determined to make him come. I drove him up to deep purple head and then I jerked him fast with a steady rythm.
When he came it felt so very good. I loved to see him reach the pinacle of pleasure. It was a great start to Valentine’s Day festivities.
You are the love of my life; a true love that no other could take your place. When I am with you I feel like nothing could hurt me and that your protection will keep me strong. I thank the heavens every day that you came into my life so unexpectedly and that you chose to stay.
I can’t help but wonder how fate brought us together; how passion is keeping us together and how we will survive the years of our lives together. It is a wonder I have thought would never happen to me. I am so in awe of the happiness you give me with just the slightest smile or wink.
When we embrace, I get lost in the scent of you. The warmth of your body is like a magnet that I don’t want to pull away from. I love just feeling you near me in my sleep. Just the touch of your fingertips is like inscribing joy across my flesh.
On this day meant for lovers, I hope that I can show you that our romance is vibrant and strong. I want to take you to the core of our love and show you the joy I feel every day when I gaze into your eyes. Allow me to lead today and you will be taken on a journey like no other.
I love you,
This week’s slave lesson was meditation. I’m not really good at it, but I have spent once a day just resting my mind. I’ve gone about 45 seconds before a though pops in and I have to force it out. I generally don’t last more than 5 mins before I’m completly relaxed. I’ve done this at work during my lunch break, but not at home yet. Hopefully tonight.
Last night I gave Master his foot massage that I had to put off from Sunday. I hate how Carpal Tunnel has run my life lately and governed when I do the things I enjoy doing. While rubbing Master’s feet and generally savoring my submission at his feet I couldn’t help but space off and imagine how life could be different. I also watched our fish tank. (Anyone else love how relaxed and stress free that makes you feel?) I gazed at Master, who was almost asleep. He really was enjoying himself. I hope I can find more things like this that we both enjoy to connect us.
Master loves to come and give me surprise hugs and kisses and love pats. I enjoy his attentions so much and I’m working to stop what I’m doing and care for his attentions better. Lately I’ve acted like it’s an intrusion in what I’m doing and it really should be the other way around. Perhaps this week’s lesson will help me stop the flood of thoughts when he touches me and just be.
I have a poll on Submissive Guide that I’d love everyone’s input on. Please come on over and let me know what training you would like to see on Submissive Guide. Thanks!
1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?
Feet, I don’t find feet attractive at all.
2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
OVER! I hate when the roll is turned so the paper comes from under. There is actual etiquette related to this too. Something to do with the person having to touch a lot of the roll to get it from the underside verses the top, showing whatever patterns may be pressed into it and to point it for guests for easy pulling.
3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?
4. Did your parents have a “birds & bees” talk with you? Id so, at what age?
No. And I got excused from sex ed in Jr. High too. My parents were afraid of sex.
5. What is one thing someone could do to you to rock your world?
Surprise me with a trip to somewhere exotic.
A new development in our sexual relationship has been my serving as Master’s top. Something that seemed to me like a paradox, but from what I’ve read it really can work. So I’m going to make it work. I’ve not met anyone else who has a relationship like ours so I can’t associate this to anyone else. I kinda like that.
Master gets these urges for pain, very specific pain in which I am asked to provide that pain to him. This pain happens to be CBT. I’m pretty new at CBT and am slowly learning what Master likes and I think I’m coming along. It’s a rare thing anyhow. When he asks for it I feel conflicted about who I am. I’m his submissive. And now I’m also serving him in his desire for pain.
At first, I didn’t know I’d be able to hurt my Master so that he could enjoy himeself more. It goes against all I thought a Dominant was; but who follows the definition exactly? Certainly not Master and I! We chaff against the ‘norms’ this lifestyle tries to apply to us. What’s one more?
Master and I are truly happy with how our relationship is evolving. I still have a lot of struggles with myself but our relationship is still as strong as ever. I’ve been sending him twitter messages every day this month in preparation for Valentine’s day. I love the thought that he gets them when I’m asleep and it’s a little reminder of how special our relationship is.
So, serving him by giving him pain is a pleasure that I am learning to be better at.
This does mean that we get to start buying toys for Master’s itch. Sound like fun?! Oh yes. So, if you have ideas starting with cheap or handmade CBT toys I’d love to hear them.
If you are also a submissive wearing a service top coat I’d love to hear from you.
This lesson is about obedience. Reading the lesson there are a few exercises to do throughout the week. The one is to begin practicing mediation. Here’s the description:
Sit comfortably with your spine straight. You may choose to sit in a chair or cross-legged on teh floor, as long as you can maintain the position for at least twenty minutes. Do not lie down, as this posture encourages drowsiness.
Now, close your eyes, and draw your attention to your breath. Observe how the breath enters your nostrils as you inhale and exits as you exhale. Focus your awareness on the point where the breath enters and exits. If thoughts or feelings surface – and they will – simply return your attention to your breath. Do not judge or follow your thoughts; simply return to the breath. Count ten full breaths (in and out). When you are finished, slowly become aware of your surroundings. When you are ready, open your eyes.
I’m supposed to try this every day for a week. I’m going to try it right now. The direction is that as you persist you will be able to shut out the thoughts that come in. “Most submissives find it very difficult to hold their bodies still for any length of time, but this is a vital skill for a slave.” (Ms Abernathy) Wow I find this to be so true for me! I’m really hoping that the meditation will help me just sit without a lot of fidgeting.
Then, for the next activity, which I’m not going to do exactly, requires an alarm watch. I’m supposed to stop every hour and pay attention to my physical posture. I’m supposed to assess my state and correct it so that I’m relaxed. Then restart. Every hour. I think I’m going to try to do something similar to that. I’ll have to coordinate that with Master.
Once I have an inner awareness then I’m to work outwardly. That’s the next lesson.
I am a failure. Something that appears to come easy for someone else I am still spending so much time trying to find my way. I’m talking about pleasuring Master.
Countless times I talk about my issues with blow jobs. But really it’s all pleasure that is for Master that I have something wrong.
Master got really depressed last night when he thought about the fact that I don’t appear to enjoy pleasuring Master. He’s probably right and I can’t really understand why.
Now, I love Master. I love what he does to me and for me and I want to be with him forever. I also know that I want to do everything I can to make him happy.
My submission really is all about learning; some of it is learning what Master wishes me to learn, but the majority is learning why I have issues and trying to break them down. This is one of those times, but I feel that I don’t have a lot of time to do it.
I find giving Master pleasure when I am not going to get anything in return a chore or a job. It’s not something as pleasant as it should be. This is just the start of a really hard mental change. I think it’s because I’m not getting anything that I feel it’s a task. Like making his coffee. I do it because I know he wants coffee and wants me to get it for him. I don’t expect anything in return.
When I owe him a blow job or he wants a bit of fun while he jacks off I know I’m not getting anything in return so I don’t feel as into it. It’s like a mental block or something.
Gosh I don’t know. I’m frustrated, Master is frustrated. I guess I really need to get working.
I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. From dieting to working on my domestic routine, serving Master better and work and the local BDSM community. There’s just everything filling up my time. Today I came home with the intention to get a lot done. Then the headache came on strong and I couldn’t do a thing. I feel like I’m playing catch up now and I hate that feeling. I like being ahead of the game more.
Tomorrow the new Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes comes out (hopefully). We preordered so we should get it soon. We’ve been waiting since November for it. I’m pretty excited. Master will go through that book pretty quickly and I get to be the bondage doll. All of this is preparing for Shibaricon this year. I just can’t wait. Rope makes me feel all giddy and excited.
I’m constantly dreaming up ideas for Submissive Guide. I’m planning a video series as soon as I can come up with the outlines for a few videos. Then I can sit down and do a few videos all at once. I’m open to ideas and questions you may have for a round of videos. They need to be submissive related. Check Submissive Guide for ideas on what I’m looking to answer.