Master is great. He’s pleased with what I’m learning, he praises my progress, never forgets (almost) to say thank you for something he has requested. I feel like I’m treated like a princess or an angel. And sometimes I feel like I’m a gently used submissive. Don’t get me wrong, I love how he makes me feel.
The other night while I was pleasuring Master with my hands he asked if I ever fantasized about him being forceful and making me do something he knows I dislike or that causes the fear factor in me to rise. Until that moment, I really hadn’t. Since then I just can’t seem to get those thoughts and the attached fear out of my head. Something about it turns me on.
Do I really think that his being forceful is a turn on or is the fear? Can I accept the times he’s forceful for what they are, a display of his dominance over me, or will I panic with fear? How can we test these waters safely? Do we want to? Shouldn’t I be working to give him what he wants so that he doesn’t have to take it from me?
In all of this, I really have to see that there are situations where I come to Master without the desire to serve him as he’d like, blow jobs being the sticking point more often than anything else. He’s been overly patient with me I think because he gets damn good ones when I am in the mood and I have developed the ability to accept them as a part of my service most of the time. I can see that I have progressed from a year ago and hopefully he can to.
Then again, I wonder if his acceptance that I don’t WANT to do it at certain moments is helping or hindering my development. He rarely makes me do something I don’t want to do, mainly because I have a bad attitude when I do it then. However I also think that in my submissive brain I think that I’m topping him if my attitude is keeping him from what he wants or expects.
Like this blow job for reference. He wanted one Friday but we never got around to it. Saturday he asked for it, but I somehow asked if we could do it Sunday after his ritual foot massage. Then Sunday came around and I didn’t want to do it then either. He said that was fine and now it’s pushed to Monday. At some point he’s going to get frustrated because I’m not in the mood.
Perhaps it has come to the point that I need to be made to do things at the time they are requested or I get punished. Wouldn’t it be obedient of me to just do it when he says to do it? Why do I still have a hang up over somethings? Is there anything we can do to progress my training in swift obedience? Do I need to be forced and pushed to that level? How long does he have to put up with my lack of submissive desire?
****
Okay so after some thought I really should answer those mental questions I have.
Wouldn’t it be obedient of me to just do it when he says to do it? Yes, yes it would and be the ultimate goal, but I didn’t come this far to give up now. It’s those baby steps that are killing me. I want to be there already!
Why do I still have a hang up over somethings? Because things aren’t easy and I fight the hard road to total submission to my Master. I figure the hang ups are the challenges to another level and if I can just get over them one at a time I will get to where I want to be.
Is there anything we can do to progress my training in swift obedience? This is probably best answered by Master. He’s better with my training plan than I am.
Do I need to be forced and pushed to that level? Yes, probably. I won’t do it on my own I don’t think.
How long does he have to put up with my lack of submissive desire? He shouldn’t have to and facing this fact is a step towards not having to do it any more.
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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You know, Master and I are dealing with this same issue. He’s so nice and considerate. How mean and cruel do I want him to be? It’s a very fine line to tread.
The use of force in submission or sensuality is a dangerous road for many survivors. It can lead to some serious panic and emotional turmoil/dysfunction. I have always had an agreement with myself that I would focus on one thing that he likes that I am afraid of each time we are intimate. And each time I would do something toward conquering my emotions about it. For me, one of the biggest triggers was always blow jobs. Like you, I experienced abuse and it was through forced oral sex. For many years it was emotionally painful for me to perform, but I didn’t want my man to yearn for something and wish he had a woman who would do that for him. I would push right up to the fear and just stand on it for as long as I could without pushing into dangerous emotional territory.
There were times when other things in my life were so emotionally challenging that it was just too much to work on any of these sexual matters. I was already on my emotional edges…and so we’d take a break from this work together. And we felt that was simple good mental health care.
When I was working on the sexual service though, sometimes I could only manage a kiss on his phallus. Other times it was a full oral experience, with ejaculation. Sometimes it was only caressing him with my face near it. I wanted to give him this, so I did what I could when I could.
But there were also times when I was pissed off at him and didn’t want to work on it. Usually that was the reason that I didn’t want to offer him oral service. Because I was mad about something; sometimes I wasn’t even aware that I was angry, but he eventually got wise to that emotional pattern and called me on it. That’s a whole other story though and this is a long enough comment already. I am rather sure that you’ll figure out what’s best for you both. Blessings!!
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