My step sister S. and I aren’t close in the sense that we see each other often, but I do read her blog on LiveJournal and she might read mine (I don’t know). We never grew up together as we were both old enough to care for ourselves when her mom and my dad found each other. It’s been 16 years that they’ve been together and I can say that my dad has never been happier than with her.
About 2 months ago, I read on S.’s blog that her mom was ill, very ill. At the time she was in the hospital having fluid drained from her lungs. I was concerned. When I called my dad he had tough news. K was diagnosed with cancer. Two weeks later, we found out that it was nearly end stage Mesothelioma. This is the cancer related to asbestos inhalation. No one knows where she could have picked it up. She’s estimated to have 6 months to 5 years remaining. She’s in a lot of pain and suffering tremendously.
When I heard that I had very conflicting feelings. I’m not really close to my dad, and by extension, K. But I was close enough to consider her a mother figure when my own mother failed me. I know how happy my dad has been with her and am so very grateful for her presence in his life.
I’m struggling with grief for someone I don’t know well, and worry and anxiety for my father, who will lose his wife sooner rather than later. They are only in their 50’s. I see how S. is fraught with stress and worry and sadness and I wish I could feel the same way for her and for K. Why can’t I feel the way she is? Is it because I’m not as close? I worry how my father will take the inevitable. How will I? The last death I remember was my grandmother and it was/is hard when I remember her. Just hard.
I’ve asked work about the grief policy in case my father asks to have me come out for the funeral to make sure that it can be applied to stepfamily. Thankfully, even though it isn’t in the policy, my manager would make the exception since I’ve let him know well in advance. I’d get 3 days bereavement pay to go out there (Virginia) to be with him and for him.
Right now things are really up in the air. He knows I’m here for him, but so far away yet. I wish I could do more, say more, make something mean more. It’s such a helpless feeling.
–luna
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Know that we all grieve in different ways. As you said, my mother is not your mother, and our brains attach our emotions to people in different manners.
It comforts us (my brother, husband, and I) to know that you could come to Virginia.
The waiting is so very hard.
Thanks Sage. I really do hope that she surprises us all and lives longer than the Drs predictions.
I never thought to wonder, is Virginia where she wants to rest? Is this even a question you ask someone? hmmm.
I’m sending my thoughts and hugs your way.
She was very very ill when I was there last week. It was very difficult to see. I’m unsure right now if it’s the radiation or if it’s the illness itself that is causing this rapid decline.
My mother is to be cremated, so she will not be buried. She wishes her ashes to be returned to your father. I had to ask these questions and such when I was there. I’m working on both of their wills and legal documents for the “just in case” issues.
My mother calls them “yucky questions.” But having had to answer them myself and with my husband when we were only 28 and dealing with my own cancer, I know that, although yucky, are necessary for your loved ones to be prepared.