Master and I spent a very long day with some great friends of ours in the BDSM community a week ago. It’s always a chance for me to behave and I seem to be more exacting about getting my rules right and obeying Master when other’s are watching. Generally I make him proud and the changes in my behavior for the positive are always good.
However I didn’t keep it up. At some point in the evening my mind shifted from what Master wanted to what our guests wanted and I started acting out. I even went on without listening to Master, not asking permission for things I normally ask for and being outright disrespectful. When Master called me on it, he pointed out that others in the room are watching my behavior and how I am acting and it wasn’t normal behavior for me.
It did make it more painful to be chastized in front of others with the knowledge that I’d be paying for it on my punishment day as well. I do not know what the trigger was for me to behave so poorly when I’m normally a good girl and I like to show off that I can follow my Master’s rules and make him happy.
Then again, that could be it. I like to show off. I’m an exhibitionist. I like to make people happy, I like to be the attention-getter. I’m not really a show stealer, but I do enjoy when I get recognized and when people are smiling at me and my behavior. For me to reflect so badly for Master was very disappointing for him and me.
I still feel bad about it while I know that I can correct the future and not allow it to happen. I will maintain my focus and Master will be the only one I have a need to impress.
I know that those that witnessed my behavior understood it, for I found out that one of my submissive friends picked up on it long before I even did and knew exactly what I did wrong as soon as I did it. I had to hear it from Master in order to know what I did. I was that clueless.
Another friend, a Domme that is in her first 24/7 relationship was watching intently and I hope that I didn’t give her a sense that Master doesn’t know how to control his property. He had me reigned in before the night was over, but I know that I could have behaved better.
I’ve been working on my thinking almost every day since this happened so that I can focus more on Master even around others when my main pull has been attention-seeking in the past. I need to make sure that the only attention I actively seek is my Master’s. His happiness needs to come before anyone else. Why it’s taken this long to realize this gap in my focus is not due to either of our lack of work. This is the first time in a long time that we have friends we see on a semi-regular basis that are lifestyle oriented. It’s great to finally have people that we can be normal around.
Impressions are very important to me, and that may be why there aren’t a lot of pictures of me on this blog in compromising situations. I want readers to get to know who I am inside and not concern themselves with my physical appearance or what activities I get into. I try to act appropriately around others and Master has worked very diligently to get me to be respectful and polite around everyone (something I didn’t learn at home).
I don’t need to earn praise or attention from others when the only person that really matters is my Master. His happiness in me is paramount to what others might think.