I went from basic blahs on Friday to full blown depression this weekend. I have battled depression several times in the past and am taking St. John’s Wart to try and balance my moods a bit better. This episode has hit me hard.
It’s all related to my body image I think. I am feeling really fat lately and horrible that the weight I lost 2 years ago has come back. I feel like a hopeless case and will have to live with being obese my entire life. I’d really love to be just overweight some day.
I’ve not given up on exercise and eating right, and for the most part I’ve kept up on it. Master has agreed to exercise with me if it will help and last night it felt good that he was sweating and breathing heavy along with me.
My depression has hurt our relationship on many levels too. I’m anti-submissive right now. I snap and curse and I’ve been saying some very hurtful things lately. I’m napping at all hours of the day and not eating as much as I used to or at the same times as Master. It’s really bothering him. He’s constantly asking if there is anything he can do to help. Really there isn’t.
I go to the dr. today to talk about by weight and to eliminate medical reasons why it’s so hard for me to lose weight. I’m also going to have my blood pressure checked. The last time I was this weight I was in hypertension range and on low dose meds so I might need them again. I’m also asking about the excessive facial hair I have had to deal with for about 5 years. It’s just gross to me to have to shave my face more often than Master. I may also have my blood sugars checked, as type 2 diabetes runs in the family. I’ll talk about my depression and see if he thinks I should medicate that as well.
I know I’m down and I know I need to get better. Depression isn’t an easy road and therapy has never worked for me. I just need to feel the love around me for awhile and try to have as little stress as possible.
Master will take care of me. He helps me feel safe and secure and fills me with happiness. He wil keep me afloat and I will get through this.
I’m just a long way from shore right now.
–luna
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Oh hon, I’m so sorry. We all get depressed (Master was really down this weekend, and it spoiled an event we were planning on going to) but it’s wonderful when there’s someone there to pull you out of that black pit.
I know what you mean about the facial hair. Master has suggested electrolysis, but I’m not so sure about that.
There is something Master can do to help — he can support you and tell you that he loves you, and always will. I know that always helps me out tremendously!
Thank you! I know that Master will always be there to give me the support I need. He’s my rock and the reason I can still get up and go to work everyday.
Hello Luna,
So sorry you are troubled with these changes in your mood. Its a tough thing to deal with. I’ve had these troubles too at times. I hope you’ll find the cause and feel better soon. Hang in there!
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Thanks so very much, I really appreciate it.
I got into a very similar bout of depression due to weight gain not too long ago (and somewhat frequently) myself, I completely understand what you’re going through and how difficult it is.
Over the last two years I’ve gained back all that I lost and more, and am very close to the weight that you are at (if your ticker on the sidebar is accurate), around 310, and I was down to 235 four years ago.
I have been working out with a personal trainer and trying to eat right and I still can’t seem to lose weight, and that throws me into that very same head spin that you have described quite often. I always sink into it and don’t express what is going on, but if I write about it, as you have done, it is easier for Master to understand what’s going on and to help me with it.
Aside from letting you know I’m having a similar issue, and therefore that you are not alone, I’m not sure what I hoped to accomplish by commenting, as I don’t really have any sort of solution, aside from talking about it as much as possible.
It sounds like you’re on top of it, though, and have a plan, which is very important, and I wish you all the luck and weight loss that you desire.
Master and I have been getting on our bikes and riding together 2-3 times a week. I can only manage about seven miles at this point (Master usually drops me off at home and does another seven — what can I say? He’s a machine on that bike!) but the plan is for us to do a 40-miler in the country by the end of the season.
I recommend bike riding whole-heartedly. There’s a bit of a “learning curve” in getting used to that hard seat but, once you get over that, there’s no better way to experience nature!
Issue with that is that we don’t have bikes and we don’t have a place to store them when not in use. Hopefully with a larger apartment we can acquire one bike, maybe two. We’ll have to see.
Luna, when you commented on your facial hair and difficulty in losing weight over the last few years, the first thing I thought of was PCOS – polycystic ovarian syndrome. Those are two major indicators for the hormonal imbalance that comes with PCOS. Depression is another. I hope you will ask your doctor to look at that as a possible diagnosis and I do hope you’ll feel better soon!
It’s good that Master is exercising with you. Nothing better than getting hot ‘n sweaty with exercise to make the hot ‘n sweaty aftermath even better.
I have a lot of labwork and tests to go through before the end of the week. My dr mentioned PCOS but said that since my periods are regular that it was unlikely. He’s looking into a testosterone imbalance for the hair issue and I have several other tests as well. Joy of joys.
Big Hugs to you!!! OH There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!! Takes a lot of patience and determination and stomping the foot every now and then with the doctors – get all the testing, get them to try all the different stuff for those who have hirtsuism (sp? for the problem with hair), try the different things that are successful to those with PCOS – like I know for a fact that the diabetic medicine/pills has shown to help/aid many women with PCOS with their weight… I too was told I could have it – but probably not because I have regular periods and had ONE child…but I do have cysts too… I have the weight battle, I have the facial hair (under control after being patient and never giving up on Spironolactone – the medicine they give me as an Anti-Androgen – also it gets rid of excess water weight-swelling!!), and there are those creams that are supposed to help too … I have found success in keeping off the 100+ pounds I’ve lost by sticking to eating like a diabetic – I eat nothing with refined sugar, no root veggies, and lots and lots of high fiber foods – it works for me, maybe not everyone, but it’s just a suggestion…try SugarBusters for an easy way to eat that way or look at the Mayo Clinic webpages for Diabetic dieting, etc. Exercise is soooo important – and I know how discouraged you feel – how depressed – but with the right doctors, the tests, and perseverance you can do it!!!!! AND HOW ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC that He’s right beside you and helping and offering you support through this trying time …. KUDOS to Him and His obvious respect and love for you!!!! That is so heartwarming…. (but you know there are a lot of little different parts of our bodies (ovaries, thyroid, adrenal glands) that can cause all this stuff, and once figured out, and on the right track, right meds, treatment, and new way of eating/exercise, you can feel better!!!)
It is fantastic isn’t it? I have a wonderful Master
I definitely Agree – It IS FANTASTIC!!
You are very lucky to have a wonderful Master too- as I imagine He is to have you too!!! A dynamic duo encouraging and helping the other when the road gets bumpy in life- Hugs!!!
I was very surprised to see how much you weighed in your later post. I met you about a month ago and I thought you were a very attractive woman. I think its good for you to lose weight for your health especially with diabetes running in your family, but you are lovely just the way you are. Please don’t let your weight make you lose your self esteem.
Aria
Well, of course you thought she was an attractive woman — she oozes sensuality through these posts. In real life, she’d probably make your head ’splode! LOL
oh hon, you are in my thoughts and prayers. i’ve gained about 20 pounds in the last six months from my hysterectomy and i feel like a blimp. so i know how you feel about the weight thing. i’ve talked Sir into getting me a pilates chair. i can use it and put it away afterwards and not have to be out in the heat.
Plz keep us posted on how you are doing. Also know you can email me or pm me anytime you need me.
Lots of hugs and smooches
His mija~
I’m fairly new to reading your blog. I’ve read a little in the past, but didn’t comment as I didn’t have a public blog of my own. I have to say I understand how hard it is to battle weight and food and depression. I’ve done all three and finally had to get help with it about a year ago. I hate medication and won’t even take antibiotics unless it’s absolutely necessary (I got over pneumonia this spring without them)… but, after five years of trying to quit smoking, i finally asked my doctor for welbutrin. And it worked for killing the smoking habit and the eating habit. I’ll probably be on it for a couple of years until I learn how to eat (I’ve never eaten right in my entire life – I’m 30 years old)… and it’s the only med I have in my system, but it worked. It helped me fight and gave me the chance and headspace to learn new ways.
I’m absolutely not telling you to go on welbutrin (it would be silly for me to tell you to do anything LOL) but it’s a thought… if you are able to take it. It might help and, if it doesn’t, it’s simple to come off of (I got scared of being addicted to it the first time I took it and went off it on my own. I honestly didn’t even feel it – no withdrawals).
Whatever you do and however you get there, I wish you all the luck in the world. Be patient with yourself and love yourself no matter what.
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I’d written a whole long comment and it’s completely vanished, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve been where you are and I’m finally beating it. I’m not going to re write the whole thing, but I ended up getting past my eating and weight issues when I started taking welbutrin to quit smoking. It apparently can help kill an eating addiction as well. I’ll be on it for another couple years while I learn how to eat (I’ve never eaten correctly… I’m 30 years old). I’ve lost 75 pounds in the last year and have no desire to go back to my old habits.
I’m certainly not telling you to go on meds LOL I wouldn’t tell anyone to do anything, but there are ways. And there is help out there. I wish you luck… be patient with yourself and love yourself, no matter what. It really helps
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