I went from basic blahs on Friday to full blown depression this weekend. I have battled depression several times in the past and am taking St. John’s Wart to try and balance my moods a bit better. This episode has hit me hard.
It’s all related to my body image I think. I am feeling really fat lately and horrible that the weight I lost 2 years ago has come back. I feel like a hopeless case and will have to live with being obese my entire life. I’d really love to be just overweight some day.
I’ve not given up on exercise and eating right, and for the most part I’ve kept up on it. Master has agreed to exercise with me if it will help and last night it felt good that he was sweating and breathing heavy along with me.
My depression has hurt our relationship on many levels too. I’m anti-submissive right now. I snap and curse and I’ve been saying some very hurtful things lately. I’m napping at all hours of the day and not eating as much as I used to or at the same times as Master. It’s really bothering him. He’s constantly asking if there is anything he can do to help. Really there isn’t.
I go to the dr. today to talk about by weight and to eliminate medical reasons why it’s so hard for me to lose weight. I’m also going to have my blood pressure checked. The last time I was this weight I was in hypertension range and on low dose meds so I might need them again. I’m also asking about the excessive facial hair I have had to deal with for about 5 years. It’s just gross to me to have to shave my face more often than Master. I may also have my blood sugars checked, as type 2 diabetes runs in the family. I’ll talk about my depression and see if he thinks I should medicate that as well.
I know I’m down and I know I need to get better. Depression isn’t an easy road and therapy has never worked for me. I just need to feel the love around me for awhile and try to have as little stress as possible.
Master will take care of me. He helps me feel safe and secure and fills me with happiness. He wil keep me afloat and I will get through this.
I’m just a long way from shore right now.