Monthly Archives: June 2008

Loaning Master Out

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In a previous post I talked about the idea of adding another person to this relationship. Master and I still have it up in the air as to whether we would do well in a relationship like that. Nothing more has been discussed because we don’t have any prospective people to consider.

Master and I have been to play parties before and he has tied other people up but he has never ‘played’ with others. It’s really no wish of mine to keep him from playing with others, I do know that he has a jealous streak and that I’m all his (and that’s fine). So we’ve discussed whether I would be okay with him playing with other people and what that would entail. He has been asked by a good friend of ours if he would be willing to ‘scratch and itch’ on occasion since her Dominant is far away and she has permission to play with those she trusts.

Now, out of privacy, that’s all the information you’ll get on her but as to what Master has asked me I feel very special. He’s asked me if it’s okay, what things would be off limits or make me uncomfortable and he’s concerned about my feelings with this. I love that he’s so open and asking me all these questions. I think before now he hasn’t even thought about playing with other people at all.

I have.

I have several reasons why I have thought about loaning Master out to others. We are both new to the physical aspects of BDSM, but since Master is such a fast and intense learner he has picked up a lot of fun activities. He’s attentive and caring, very mindful and quick witted. If he were able to play with others and learn to pick up their physical cues, how their bodies respond he’s likely see more of what he does around me. He mentioned to me that he thinks he might be able to be less protective of me during play and allow things to push further since he’d be able to separate a bit and see things as a Top instead of always my loving Master (ever watchful for my slightest flinch).

I’d love it if he could let go more. With more experience he’d be able to stop concentrating on technique and more on how he feels and is reacting as well as how the bottom is reacting to things. This can also open up the possibility of learning advanced techniques! (grins)

Lastly, I think that his playing with others would allow him to explore activities that I may not have an interest in, or can’t play as intensely at. It would be more fulfilling for him to experience the things he aches to try but knows I can’t give him. It would make our relationship that much more electric.

I do have my boundaries set for him though. No intercourse. He needs to use barriers for any play that would involve fluids and no kissing. I’m okay with sexual touching of just about every other sort really as I’m an oddball and don’t really consider oral sex as actual sex, but more a foreplay act. Always have and frustratingly for him, always will.

Allowing him to play with others can certainly broaden our horizons and may even get us playing more often! I’m all for play and experience and sharing the wonderful man I have, my love, my Master with the local submissive community :P

Males and females can line up for interviews starting here *LOL*

–luna

Newly Discovered Blogs

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Here is my list of newly discovered blogs within the BDSM blogosphere! I have found them very interesting and enjoyable to read. I hope you will enjoy them and feel free to leave a comment or two. You just may find a new favorite blog!

slave journal of the kiva

Laani’s Blog

Life of a kajira

The Masochist Coquette

Master Coyote’s Den

subliss

the story of m

About a slave

slut on display

A Little Cinful

Amateur Porn?

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I’ve had this idea bouncing around in my head for almost a year. Several times I’ve talked myself out of it, but it keeps coming back.

Before I met Master I had a yahoo group where people could see pictures of me naked doing all sorts of naughty things. I loved it. It made me feel beautiful and I got off on hearing that men were getting off on me ;)

Recently I wanted to try again, really badly. I think I’m going for it. It would be completely amateur in content and would feature me, maybe Master and well, my toys.

Am I crazy? Would people really want to see me in all my fleshy glory doing perverse things? Would it sully my name to be doing this? What are your thoughts? What would my long time readers of this blog think to know that the woman they have gotten to know now has pics all over the net?

–luna

Thursday Question #40: FetLife

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at BDSM is Love. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

What do you think of FetLife? What are some positive and negative things that have come out of its popularity? If you aren’t a member, what social networking sites do you participate in?

Dr Visit and Labs Scheduled

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I went to the Dr yesterday. I think I have found the Dr that will help me lose weight and is working to make sure that no health issues are hindering it. I came prepared with a list of things I wanted him to check into. He sat and listened to me and asked questions for almost a half hour. We agreed that I need to up my exercise to at least 5 times a week, working up to an hour each time. Hopefully I can do 5 times a week at 30 minutes each before I see him again in 3 weeks.

Tomorrow morning I go for a lot of labwork. He is doing a full diabetes screening, a metabolic screening, testosterone testing and several other tests on hormone levels and whatnot. I’m also to see a dietician once before I go back to see the Dr so starting today I began my food log again so that I have something to bring with me when I go. All in all I felt like he really listened to me and didn’t make me feel like it was useless.

I explained that my depression really doesn’t have a starting point, it gets worse around my period and that my sex drive is almost non-existant. He prescribed some antidepressant and we will see if that lifts my mood any.

He also seemed to think I might develop or are a good candidate for sleep apnea and I came home to ask Master if I had ever stopped breathing momentarily while sleeping since my snoring has just recently developed. Nope, I don’t stop breathing as far as he knows.

I only have the one month so that he evaluate any bad side effects by then (possible weight gain, as if I need it). He said that if the tests show something serious he will contact me by phone, but if I don’t hear from him to assume that things will be evaluated when I come back and we can talk about everything that resulted from the tests.

I weighed in there at 331 lbs. He said to not worry about that scale since he knows that it’s off as much as 5% on days and to continue to use the scale I have at home since I can trust it to be more accurate each time I stand on it. I’ll weigh in on Sunday. I didn’t last week because it was my period.

Tonight I start working out everyday and I asked Master if he’d be willing to work out with me at least half of the time. He said he would so I’m excited about that. Now I’m just in a holding pattern as far as the tests and things. I will definitely be posting about the results.

Here’s to progress.

–luna

Depression and D/s

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I went from basic blahs on Friday to full blown depression this weekend. I have battled depression several times in the past and am taking St. John’s Wart to try and balance my moods a bit better. This episode has hit me hard.

It’s all related to my body image I think. I am feeling really fat lately and horrible that the weight I lost 2 years ago has come back. I feel like a hopeless case and will have to live with being obese my entire life. I’d really love to be just overweight some day.

I’ve not given up on exercise and eating right, and for the most part I’ve kept up on it. Master has agreed to exercise with me if it will help and last night it felt good that he was sweating and breathing heavy along with me.

My depression has hurt our relationship on many levels too. I’m anti-submissive right now. I snap and curse and I’ve been saying some very hurtful things lately. I’m napping at all hours of the day and not eating as much as I used to or at the same times as Master. It’s really bothering him. He’s constantly asking if there is anything he can do to help. Really there isn’t.

I go to the dr. today to talk about by weight and to eliminate medical reasons why it’s so hard for me to lose weight. I’m also going to have my blood pressure checked. The last time I was this weight I was in hypertension range and on low dose meds so I might need them again. I’m also asking about the excessive facial hair I have had to deal with for about 5 years. It’s just gross to me to have to shave my face more often than Master. I may also have my blood sugars checked, as type 2 diabetes runs in the family. I’ll talk about my depression and see if he thinks I should medicate that as well.

I know I’m down and I know I need to get better. Depression isn’t an easy road and therapy has never worked for me. I just need to feel the love around me for awhile and try to have as little stress as possible.

Master will take care of me. He helps me feel safe and secure and fills me with happiness. He wil keep me afloat and I will get through this.

I’m just a long way from shore right now.

–luna

Friday Evening Blahs

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Not much of a post here, please don’t expect a lot from me today. Master is acting like he wants to go do something but we can’t think of anything to do. The AC is working extra hard. I hope the next apartment we live in the AC isn’t in the west window baking in the sun.

I don’t have a blog requirement anymore, so I’m not sure how frequently I’m going update here. I feel obligated to continue but I have to come up with things to talk about. Other than my daily grind, what would you like to see here?

–luna

Thursday Question #39: Burnout

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at BDSM is Love. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Do you ever experience burnout? How do you handle it? Do you take measures to avoid it?

Discipline and Punishment

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Reading across the blogosphere you will encounter these words almost synonymous to each other: Discipline and Punishment. The words are far from the same however some dynamics treat them the same. In fact for the longest time I have used the word punishment when I mean discipline. It’s even possible that Master has used these words interchangeably as well. I’ve done some thinking to try to sort out what these two words mean in our dynamic and how they are employed. I have a preference for clearly defined terms and boundaries so these two words are worth defining.

There is also the camp that believes that punishment (lowercase) is the play form with impact toys or spanking and that Punishment (uppercase) is the correction of bad behavior. I’m going to be referring to the later form in this post. The P/punishment debate can very well take up another post.

As to what I believe discipline is, I’ve now been able to categorize the things that Master does to keep me in line, the smaller corrections and the weekly maintenance with the black book are my discipline. Essentially for us discipline is part of the training. I can’t be a perfect submissive right from the start and part of moulding my behavior has to be correcting me when I put a toe out of line. I have to admit that at first he was disciplining me all the time. Learning the rules and not being a smart ass was really hard for me. It’s not second nature yet but I feel that it will get easier.

Discipline comes in all shapes and sizes. For our relationship it’s apology, corner time and cane strokes. I get corner time for most of the infractions that warrant more than my proper apology. I hate corner time. I think what I hate most about it is that I’m not getting any attention. I have to sit and just count the seconds in my head and watch the kitties sit around my feet wondering when I’m going to move so that I can play (unless you’re Max, then you just want my seat). I’m terrified of canes and so when Master directs me to get the cane I almost shiver and my heart gets faster. Its hurts and it scares me. Which is the point.

Punishment though is a different beast. Punishment is for very severe infractions. I consider this to be things that could be deal breakers or relationship enders. Punishment of this caliber should be rare or not at all. Things that make the dominant decide if punishment is the way to go instead of release are personal. I’ve read many dominant comments on this topic and a lot of them choose release.

The one punishment I’ve been through was really rough. It’s been almost 2 years. I remember it like it were just last week. I thought our relationship was done for. I had broken his trust and I didn’t know how to gain it back. I’m happy to say that I have.

Keeping these things separate and defined for us is good for our continued growth.

What do you say? Are they defined differently for you?

–luna

A Myth Newcomers Should Be Aware Off

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Reading a Fetlife thread has me thinking about myths that newcomers seem to think about when they learn about BDSM and especially the D/s lifestyle. One in particular that I’ve seen recently….

The lifestyle is not an excuse to sleep around with as many people as possible. It’s not set up like a kid in a candy store. Yes you can find play partners that are willing to meet for casual play, but it’s just that… play. You can not develop a lasting meaningful relationship that is just play.

If you intend on calling yourself submissive or Dominant and are looking for a relationship then it must be entered with honesty and trust and openness. The partner you seek has a heart and traipsing all over it and using them will not get you far. It’s not about the number of notches in your bedpost. It’s about give and take. It is not about demanding all from someone and giving them nothing in return. You have to know what you want and need and then also what your partner wants and needs. You have to be able to give those things to your partner.

Take things slowly. Get to know the person as a person first, Dominant/submissive second. If the relationship is based on play there is no solid foundation to stand on because you can always get play (see the 2nd paragraph). Your role may require sacrifice.

A submissive should not have to be forced into submission; that is too taxing on a Dominant. The exchange must be between two willing partners. You can’t just say, “Make me submissive, force me to behave,” and expect the Dominant to comply. You have to want it. If you are not willing to meet the Dominant half way and be obedient then they have no reason to meet you half the time and give commands.

A Dominant should not be domineering. You should not have to push and shove to get someone to be obedient to your wishes. A Dominant should be the strength and backbone of the relationship, but should also experience peace. A forceful bratty sub does not make a Dominant happy, only stressed.

A D/s relationship is not all roses. You must tend the garden for the flowers to bloom. The fantasy does not exist. You can not kneel for all hours of the day and expect the be able to get up and fetch their coffee whenever one snaps their fingers. There will not always be a submissive waiting your every beck and call. You can however, mold the dream around your life. You can make parts of it fit with what you do everyday and that can become the new fantasy.

–luna

Outside Forces Cause Disconnect with Role and Relationship

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Thank god the weekend is here. This week has been the week from hell! Flooding, more flooding, loss of internet with officials saying, “No known date for restoration of services.” Thankfully, we were restored today so my hiatus wasn’t affected at all. I’m exhausted, spent 3 times as much money on gas to go the long way to work and am stressed and worried about my friends and neighbors to the south that are getting the largest flood they have ever had on record. Just to keep everyone updated; we are fine. There is no water here and the water nearby is receding and the businesses and homeowners are cleaning up.

It’s been very crazy with the natural disaster going on all around me. I’ve grown distant and disconnected not only with my role as Master’s submissive but as a person. I can’t keep my mind focused on any one thing at a time. Conversations with anyone are difficult because my mind will wander to what’s going on here and the empathy I’m experiencing with everyone. It’s made me want to turn into myself and mutter, ‘this can’t be happening’ over and over. I’ve never seen a flood this bad. A 500 year flood. I hope I never see it again.

I have shared with Master that I want to try to reconnect this weekend and if that means not turning on the TV then I’m going to have to do that. The world will go on and right now, my relationship with Master is suffering because of the outside world. It’s getting in and I don’t want it to. I need to feel the strength of his touch and the love in his command again. I need to obey and feel that happiness that I get when I’ve done something of his request or without his having to ask.

Amazingly I still feel the love he sends me when he winks at me or offers his arms for a hug. He’s so very attentive and knows when I’m feeling especially troubled and will stop what he’s doing to see if he can help ease my fears. That moment I am so happy to not be alone, that I have someone who knows me so well he can sense my feelings before I have to voice them.

Our energies are out of whack right now. I’m not feeling sexual or sensual. I miss his jokes and am very short with answers to him. I’ve been disrespectful and disobedient. I need that all to shift and change. I’m feeling my heart call to my submissive side to take hold once again. Bring me to my happy place. Enfold me in peace of his dominance.

It is that connection that I want to strengthen this weekend. I am going to feel his dominance again and find my submission inside me that has been hidden by the trauma of the world around me. The floods will not overtake my mind and heart any longer. I have to realize that the world will go on and we can pick up the pieces. Even if it seems this will never happen. What we will learn from this I have yet to discern.

–luna

Thursday Question #38: Health and Fitness

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Do you have requirements for your health and fitness? What role does your partner have in controlling this part of your life?

Lack of Concentration

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I’m having issues with concentration today. I’m hoping to get better but with all of the floods happening in the area every bit of news I catch is distracting me from doing anything but watch about the weather. I worry about everyone that the floods have displaced. I am troubled about work and the one building that is flooded that I can’t get to.

It’s taking me almost 1.5 hours to get to and from work where it used to take me 30 minutes. It’s a long drive and I’m exhausted by the time I arrive. It will be good to know when the roads open back up again.

They are predicting another bout of heavy rain and severe weather tonight through tomorrow. It could bring with it another lower crest and affect the same water soaked areas. Mother Nature is just not being good to us.

Today is also my update to you about my diet and exercise. Diet is as usual. I eat what I can and just try not to overeat. Exercise has been on hold this week so far due to the flooding and the stress it has put me under. I’ll start it back up when the stress goes back down or when Master says I’ve had a long enough reprieve. I weighed in this week back at 325. My starting weight just doesn’t want to go anywhere and with no exercise this week I doubt it will be less tomorrow.

I have to plan groceries for the next 2 weeks when I get paid on Friday and the paycheck is a lot smaller than it has been in the past. We’ll have to have a lot more cheaper items but they have to stay healthy too so I’m open to any suggestions.

–luna

Pounds lost since last week: +1

Pounds to lose before Shibaricon 2009: 50

My Bruised Boobies

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Master and I played yesterday. Master lovingly tied a karada onto me and we tried the flogging cuffs we’ve seen posted by The Knotty Boys on YouTube recently. (They are great. There is no stress to my wrists no matter how hard I pull on them. Having carpal tunnel, that’s a good thing!) He then proceeded to pummel my breasts with his hands, paddles and other implements until they were all purple and blood blistered. He bound them tight and continued his assault. It was great fun.

I was troubled and still am about the fact that it stayed pain and didn’t become good pain or floaty pain. Just pain. Sometimes it’s good to endure instead of escape to bliss. I learned a lot about what I could take and what I couldn’t. I saw just how wonderful and sadistic Master can be. And he has me wanting more and more.

I’m still coming down from it today. I’m feeling moody and achy. I’m feeling the need for alone time and for cuddle time all at once. I want to cry and to laugh, to blog a whole bunch and then to just not say anything at all. Master is experiencing a similar mood. We watched the news and he couldn’t help but pick apart everyone’s haircut, the way they said some story or that news headline. It was quite annoying. He’s started talking more to himself about what he’s doing on the computer and I went off to take a nap. I really need this mood to go away.

___

If anyone has watched the news today you may have heard that the Midwest is experiencing some major flooding. We aren’t exempt from that. I work in a town that the downtown area is projected to be mostly under water by tomorrow when I get to work. I have one building in that area that I go to. According to the company I work in, there will be no access to it until further notice. It’s kinda thrown me through a loop. I spent today moving equipment and supplies to higher ground. Ugh. I’m exhausted and trust me I was feeling it as soon as I got up this morning.

The town I live in is safe from the floods as there is no water within 10 miles. But I’m watching as the waters rise and handicap a lot of the other places I tend to travel. It’s expected to be called a 100-year flood. It will break records set in the great floods of 93. It is likely to be remembered for quite some time.

We are staying above water. That’s for sure.

–luna

Considering the Idea of a Third

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Recently Master has been bringing up scenarios that involve another submissive in our relationship on a purely part time level. We have tossed around the idea for awhile and I know we will continue to bring up the idea of a third. A lot of times I think it would be fantastic to have a domestic in the house, so that the house would be cleaner than I keep it. But that would be having a third for selfish reasons. I think I would like to camaraderie. There is a curiosity I have about what it would be like sexually/sensually with another submissive here on occasion. I’ve never been with more than one person at a time and I do know that my sexual availability would not likely extend to the other I’m sure I would be present for things.

I do have a feeling I would get jealous of some things and want to keep parts of my Master to just mine. Sexual intercourse would have to be out of bounds. I just feel that is too intimate and I couldn’t share that. Luckily I think Master understands. However since I don’t consider oral sex to be actual sex I told him he could have all the blow jobs he wanted :P But there are things that he’d be able to do with a third that he can’t do with me.

Oh did I say that the third would most likely be male? Master is bisexual and would love to have a boy submissive to play with, tie up and he’s been very curious with CBT lately. He’s wanted me to look up different CBT resources and learn some things to get an understanding of what is safe and what isn’t. He’s expressed several times that he’s like to tie a guy up. We just have to find someone that would be willing.

I’d like to try this someday. I’d like to see if I am jealous or if I could handle sharing Master with others. I know I don’t mind him playing with others at all as I’ve found with we are at play parties. I like watching him with others. I think he would get a lot of satisfaction out of it too.

There’s still a lot of thoughts to be had about this. I guess we’ll see.

–luna

Thursday Question #37: Voice Training

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Are you voice trained? Does your owner have a preference on how you communicate to him/her?

A one and a two and a…

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Just a short post today. I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head; mostly sparked from FetLife and would like to formulate them before I post them. I do need to update everyone on my diet and exercise so here goes!

This week was really good with exercise. I did the Walk Away the Pounds with Lezlie Sansone video for a total of 12 miles last week! I’m really proud of myself for that. I’ve eaten okay, not super healthy but that’s not the point of my progress. I want to learn to make better choices, not keep myself from foods I love. As a result we have had some positive progress!

I weighed in at 324 on Sunday. Pity that Saturday I weighed in at 321 (snuck on the scale) but had to go eat a bunch just before bedtime and it warped my official weigh in. Even so, I have lost 3 lbs since last week and it drops me 1 pound into my goal amount.

This week I got a break day from exercise because Master was feeling nice. I still have 3 days of exercise planned and I’m going to do my best to make or break the 12 miles. I don’t know how well I will do but the motivation is slowly coming back!

–luna

Pounds since last week: -3 lbs

Pounds to go by Shibaricon 2009: 49 :)