Serving to Serve vs. Serving for Pleasure

Serving to serve is one form of service I provide my Master. Somehow I’ve compartmentalized it from service for pleasure. It could just be my way of providing more service to him in different ways.

An example of service to serve is when I’m not in the mood for a blow job but I know he would appreciate it. In this service mindset my submission is harder to get to and it may appear to him that I’m doing it with reluctance. That is the case mostly but I am still performing for him. When in this state I look to him for enjoyment. I get my submissive feelings from his dominance of me and his overall enjoyment of whatever I’m doing. I’m not doing this for my benefit at all. I don’t seek to get any pleasure in this state. It’s all about him and his needs.

Most of the time I know this form of service is not what Master likes at all and he’d rather wait until I’m out of the service to serve mode to get what he wants. He prefers that I get pleasure out of my service. I think he’s missing out on all that I can provide him by preventing me to serve in this way. There are other times that I serve to just serve but there is always a hang up when it relates to sexual activities.

Like when I make his coffee or order his food at a restaurant. I don’t derive pleasure from these acts, but they are a form of my submission to him and I am serving him in the same capacity as the sexual acts. He appreciates when I serve him in this way and I find it a valuable part of my service to him.

However sexual acts, like blowjobs, bring about a disinterest really; I don’t like to give blowjobs most of the time. It’s just not something I’ve ever liked immensely. We continue to work on my submission with this, as it’s something that I know he wants desperately to be something I enjoy doing. And I do, sometimes. I enjoy it when I know it’s not the only act, or that I’m getting something from it. I enjoy it if I’m already horny too. Certainly it makes sense that he’ll get more enjoyment out of seeing me enjoying myself.

I’m kidding myself if I think that he will ever get pleasure out of my serving to serve mode since I don’t have any outward appearance to be enjoying myself. In fact I’ve frequently given distasteful looks to him when he asks for a blowjob. I know that it isn’t submissive like to appear to be appalled at the request of a blow job, but right now I just can’t be the blowjob lover. I don’t know if I ever will be. But I’m working on it; and it can be discussed in another post.

What I’m hoping to convey in serving to serve mode is that his desire is my command, no matter what my emotions may be I will obey him. The happily part will have to come later on I think. I can only work on one thing at a time. Right now my service mode is one of contentment and obedience. Something I don’t think I had a year ago, let alone 6 months ago. I’ve been able to break down walls inside and allow myself to accept submission when I don’t want to do it (most of the time).

I love Master very much and hope that one day I can please him when my pleasure isn’t a factor. Right now he’s bypassing it and waiting until my pleasure is evident. I don’t know if I need to concede defeat and work on being eternally pleased with everything he asks of if being genuine is more his desire. I feel that the smile on my face may be painted on, but the heart is still serving. Why turn down that?

Possibly related posts:

1. Strict Patience
2. What Attitude?
3. Ever Changing Submission
4. Meditation Monday: Service That I Enjoy
5. Finding Feelings