Far Away from Trying

By lunaKM on April 22, 2008

I’m not doing so well keeping up with my blogging rule. I know that it will end up in the punishment book to be atoned for on Sunday. I was supposed to write a letter to Master on Sunday and I didn’t blog yesterday either. Now I’m writing to kinda make up for yesterday even though there isn’t a way to make up for it (and changing the publish date is so very wrong). Let’s face it, everyone fails to get everything done all the time. I am not perfect, but I try.

Trying is what Master likes to hear. He knows a lot of what I am learning is hard for me, or requires some mental rewiring. When I don’t make it work well, but I can at least I say I’m trying he’s fine with that. It’s progress and that is a good thing. I can keep trying until I make it, but failing is never an option.

That is why I guess I feel so bad about my inability to stick to this life change of weight loss and exercise. There are days that if he asked me if I was trying, I would have to admit that no, I’m not and I don’t care today. It’s not acceptable. It hurts him to see me fail and even more that I beat myself up over it all the time. I know it would be a lot easier if I just tried at it instead of the pity parties I throw and the painful guilt I have almost daily about not reaching my meager goals I set almost daily.

Like yesterday, I didn’t exercise at all and I knew that I would feel bad if I didn’t. I had time; I spent a lot of the night watching movies on Netflix. I could have easily done 30 minutes of exercise and been a lot prouder of myself. Now today, I set the same goal: 30 minutes of exercise. Will I make it? I have yet to know. I’m at work and exercising at work consists of walking around the office building. It doesn’t really get my heartrate up so I don’t like to do it, but it would still be exercise. It counts. All of it counts.

I’m obsessing over what I don’t achieve when I do know I have success too. I stayed within my calorie limit yesterday. I didn’t snack mindlessly and I recorded everything I ate in my food diary. I’ve done the same today and even put in dinner since I know it’s not the healthiest so that I can work my meals and snacks around it. This is progress.

I think I feel all this even more right now because I’m bloated an cranky and easily irritated. I’d like to just sleep this week away, but I also want to please Master more than I have had the desire in a long while. My body is overruling my heart right now. Master is trying to be sympathetic but I’m just being grumpy about all of it. This isn’t way I wanted to be this week. Ugh.

Last weekend Master and I felt more connected than we have in a long time. I felt so satisfied in my role and I loved that I could please him and that he smiled at me so much. We were playful and loving and the roles were defined well. It was good. I wanted to keep it going this week but again, my body is fighting that every step of the way.

How I am feeling right now has to be related to my period it really does. I’ve been getting better at things and feeling okay about myself. I’ve been active and satisfied with life. We have goals and dreams and we are even closer to them. This dark cloud over me has to be hormone related. There is no other explanation.

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