It’s really quite amazing that I have so much to say all the time about my submission to Master and the beauty of that is it continues to change and grow and extend into all facets of my life. Even when our daily life involves doing the dishes and fixing dinner I can feel my submission. When I’m grumpy or mouthy I can still feel my submission to him. It’s one of those things I never tire of feeling.
When Master and I first started this journey almost 4 years ago we didn’t know where it would lead us. We wanted to explore everything and didn’t have an end goal in mind. I’ve been looking back at my early archives (because admit it, who has time to read a blog’s entire history) and found that I was quite whiny and very “I want it my way” type of girl. I feel that I’ve changed considerably in that measure. This has also brought me to a me that is less gimmie gimmie and more “how can I serve.” I like that.
I struggled with my submission at first. So many times I questioned if I was submissive or not. I finally decided I was not a natural submissive but I was willing to work at it. After a lot of soul searching and struggle with old mental habits I have been able to break down the old walls and allow submission in. It wasn’t easy. I fought the entire way. I gave Master’s collar back once and had it taken away once too. Each time I found that submission was where I was happiest, even when it didn’t come easy to me.
Many times I thought that being submissive meant that I had to give up my independence. This is not true. Master appreciates that I am able to think on my own and do my own thing without his constant guidance. I can be the person I am and still serve him as he wishes. I effect I am two minds living the same life in balance.
Every submissive struggles in their submission. Even if they don’t want to admit it there are things that we as the submissive person have to accept that will grate against our natural ways or our ingrained habits. This is a part of maturing and growing in our submission. We can either embrace it or reject it. I have chosen to embrace it completely. Selena asked if there were submissives out there that struggled in their submission. I’m asking that everyone that reads this please go over to her blog and share your story of struggle with her. She needs to know that it is normal and she is not alone.
She’s also seeking information from dominants on how they handle submissives that fight being under control. I can’t say I know for sure what some of you would say, but I do know that fighting with your dominant is not taken lightly and can lead to the end of the relationship. The point of a D/s relationship is the exchange of power. If you can not give up your power, then you can not submit. You can not have two tops in a D/s exchange with no bottoms to submit. It just doesn’t work.
Changing comes from within. It can not be forced from you by a dominant, no matter how strict they are. You have to find it within your own desires to submit. That does not mean you submit on your own terms only, but on a mutually decided platform. If you don’t trust your partner to care for what is important to you, no matter what that may be, then you can not have a safe D/s exchange.
Master and I have had times where trust was the issue. We have both worked hard to strengthen that bond we have and correct our shortcomings. Failing with trust is so very hard to come back to and it did almost kill us the summer of 2006. I did a lot to atone for what I did. This episode has molded us even today. There are things that I have to continue to prove to Master that I am trustworthy with and things that he now holds trust for me I never thought I’d gain back.
I am a changed person, I am better for it and also because of it. I am submissive and I finally am able to see why it is so powerful, so wonderful and so precious.