April 2008

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Master spoke to me yesterday about this blog. He said that the last few posts have all been about the same thing; how content I am in my submission and my progress. He said he’s been pondering removing the blogging requirement from my rules. I’m not sure why it disturbs me that he’s thinking of this change. It’s not like I’d stop blogging; I love it too much.

But there is something to be said in the fact that I have to blog at certain intervals. It’s something that is expected of me and I do look forward to it even if the recent posts haven’t had any trials or crisis in them. I am still thinking and growing. I have a long road ahead of me no matter what he decides. I will continue to do his bidding and serve him how he wishes.

I’m fine with changing my rules around, removing ones that aren’t necessary anymore and adding in others that will improve my training. Does his thought process mean that blogging isn’t necessary anymore? I don’t think so. Perhaps he sees how it makes me feel and that it’s an outlet that will not fade. I have no fear of just up and stopping blogging. I have a voice here.

I was silent when he said he’d been thinking about it. In my mind it raced with all the things I’d like to talk about but couldn’t get the words together for a decent post. I have a lot of opinions and things that I know would be a help to me and others out there. Sometimes I get an urge to blog about something and it’s the wrong moment or by the time I sit down it just doesn’t come to me like I thought it would. I know everyone had gotten that way before.

It is true that our life is happy right now and what struggle I have I have beaten down rather quickly. We are more intimate now, I crave his kiss and I relish the love we have for one another. My life couldn’t be any nearer to perfect than it is right now. There are things that I could change, but it wouldn’t affect my heart. It will always be his.

I don’t know what he will decide, but I do know that I will continue to blog. It may even be the same days; out of habit. It may be more, or less. But this outlet for my feelings and thoughts won’t go away. I feel so free here to express things, a way of collecting thoughts and sharing feelings. This is my home too.

–luna

Here is my list of newly discovered blogs within the BDSM blogosphere! I have found them very interesting and enjoyable to read. I hope you will enjoy them and feel free to leave a comment or two. You just may find a new favorite blog!

Alternative Albany

yummy musings

Educating Baby

One Life, Take Two

Her Owner…

Slave musings

Girl with Two Red Shoes

Doubleknot’s Ruminations

Imperfect Grace

Kitten In Chains

Sex Survey #2

The wildest sexual aid I have ever used was…a curling iron; it was also my first.
The most pleasure I have ever had with a foreign object was…um, can it also be that curling iron? Err, have I told you about the colored pencils? No?
The last sexual request I refused was…I didn’t really refuse it, I asked if we could postpone it. Is that still refusal?
The last sexual request someone refused me was…Wow, Master hasn’t refused me yet! :)
The thought of making love during pregnancy makes me…eww, I’m never getting pregnant anyhow so there’s no worry.
The thought of making love during “that time of the month” leaves me…sick to my stomach. It gives me the willies.
My favorite fantasy involving a hot tub is…a sexy man, champagne and lots of rose petals in the water. Kinda like the tub scene in Queen of the Damned.
My favorite fantasy involving a romantic location is…Paris and kissing at every single historic place we can think of!
My favorite fantasy involving a famous man is…Oh, that would be Antonio Banderas. Pick a movie, I’ll be the leading lady with him any day. (Master isn’t surprised.)
My favorite fantasy involving a man I know is…I’m living the fantasy.
My favorite fantasy involving a woman I know is…still unknown. I don’t fantasize about women…yet.
The last time a man tried to pick me up was…excluding HNG? About 4 years ago at a bar meet.
My favorite fantasy involving sex in a public place is…in the woods and tied to a tree “Secretary” style.
The most public place I ever made love was…on top of the hood of the car while parked on the side of the road on the way home from a munch.
When I finally lost my virginity, I was…19 and disappointed with how unsatisfied I felt.
I think the maximum number of men I am physically capable of making love to in a single day is…3. That’s because I’ve done 2 and felt I could go another round.
I really like having a tongue stuck in on my…breasts. I like to feel them licked and tickled with someone’s tongue.
I really hate having a tongue stuck in my…ear. An ex did that once and I nearly wigged out on him.

During our munch this past Saturday we talked about training; specifically about training a submissive undergoes. I used myself as example quite a bit because I know what I’ve been through to process the training I am constantly under. From the humble beginnings of please and thank yous to opening doors, the proper apology into anal training, blow job training and the SM side of things as well. Master made a point to say that Dominants treat everything as training, where submissives have to have clear lines of distinction to know what is training and what isn’t. I guess I can see why that is. It’s hard for me to fathom the fact that the way I make his dinner and take care of his house is the same as how I make his coffee or how I address him. It just feels different.

I’m feeling a lot more like myself lately. I have a balance that I haven’t had in awhile. I’m feeling sexual and craving sex and sexual attention. My need for kissing has grown immensely and love the thoughts I have on the way home from work now, which are full of sexual thoughts and deviant dreams. Oh how I hope it lasts.

I’ve begun the butt plug training again and I find a more calm with it; while I don’t like it just yet I am resigned to the fact that he does and so I do it. I’m grateful that I can wear it as part of my bedtime routine now and so the time I’m wearing it is while sleeping (until it wakes me and I have to remove it). I’m certain that with time I could wear it all night and that would please Master greatly.

It’s a constant struggle to not speak authoritatively and there have been several times that Master has to correct me. I’m usually in a commanding mindset and just give orders instead of asking or phrasing in a more subservient manner. I’m sure it will come with practice.

My training also means I need to work on my self image as well as developing the ability to watch Master even when my concentration is elsewhere. I’d like to be more attentive and know when he wants or needs things before he can ask for them. Is it just a dream or fantasy? I don’t know, but I’d like to try.

–luna

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At Peace

When I reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going I begin to wonder how in the world I got where I am. Five years ago seemed like such a long time ago. I was not on this journey that I am now on. I wasn’t even able to explore more than in front of the computer in IRC. And that wasn’t that great. I had some good friends who helped me understand more, but this thing we do was all still a fantasy and I was amazed.

I am now looked upon by others as an example of how to become submissive. I’ve spoken before about how I don’t really know if I like that. Being an example means that I’m setting a standard and my experience is something to mirror others. People are copying my Master’s set of rules and I’m finding more and more people around me that look up to me as a mentor. I am just me. This is who I am.

Where I am at now in my relationship with Master is not really comfortable yet, but getting there. I have so much to improve upon and evolve within myself in order to be that person he wants to mold me to be. I like that when he looks at me I can see the future me. He has a pretty clear path and knows what he wants. I like that. I am safe in my Master’s keeping. I’m almost joyful in his collar. It is my protection and the reminder that I abide by his rules because I love him and am completely devoted to him.

The progress of my submissive continues to amaze me. I’m polite, I remember to hold open doors and am working on the speech protocol every day. I hear the praises quite frequently now and love every moment.

With this reflection comes hopes for continued growth into the future. I can see that as our dynamic solidifies itself into our everyday that it will continue to demand more from my submission and I will have to give more in return. I am Master’s baby and I will continue to be.

On to the sexual path I am on I can only imagine the debauchery I will get into, the escapades Master has planned and the passionate sexual encounters yet to be had. I can feel a stirring in me that I haven’t had in awhile and I hope it doesn’t fad any time soon. I am Master’s slut and I want to keep that as a primary image in my mind. I like how he looks at me and I still blush when he winks at me.

Master winks at me a lot. There’s something about that wink that brings the rosey color in my cheeks. It’s telling me

“I want you.”

“Can you tell what I’m thinking?”

“In my mind you are naked and I like that.”

“Tease.”

I love it. I don’t really know what he’s thinking when he winks at me other than he knows it makes me smile and blush. Maybe that’s his main draw. I don’t know. But what I interpret is what makes it all fun.

–luna

Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Looking to the future, how do you see yourself changing in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?

OR

Looking to the past, what changes have you gone though from 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years?

It’s really quite amazing that I have so much to say all the time about my submission to Master and the beauty of that is it continues to change and grow and extend into all facets of my life. Even when our daily life involves doing the dishes and fixing dinner I can feel my submission. When I’m grumpy or mouthy I can still feel my submission to him. It’s one of those things I never tire of feeling.

When Master and I first started this journey almost 4 years ago we didn’t know where it would lead us. We wanted to explore everything and didn’t have an end goal in mind. I’ve been looking back at my early archives (because admit it, who has time to read a blog’s entire history) and found that I was quite whiny and very “I want it my way” type of girl. I feel that I’ve changed considerably in that measure. This has also brought me to a me that is less gimmie gimmie and more “how can I serve.” I like that.

I struggled with my submission at first. So many times I questioned if I was submissive or not. I finally decided I was not a natural submissive but I was willing to work at it. After a lot of soul searching and struggle with old mental habits I have been able to break down the old walls and allow submission in. It wasn’t easy. I fought the entire way. I gave Master’s collar back once and had it taken away once too. Each time I found that submission was where I was happiest, even when it didn’t come easy to me.

Many times I thought that being submissive meant that I had to give up my independence. This is not true. Master appreciates that I am able to think on my own and do my own thing without his constant guidance. I can be the person I am and still serve him as he wishes. I effect I am two minds living the same life in balance.

Every submissive struggles in their submission. Even if they don’t want to admit it there are things that we as the submissive person have to accept that will grate against our natural ways or our ingrained habits. This is a part of maturing and growing in our submission. We can either embrace it or reject it. I have chosen to embrace it completely. Selena asked if there were submissives out there that struggled in their submission. I’m asking that everyone that reads this please go over to her blog and share your story of struggle with her. She needs to know that it is normal and she is not alone.

She’s also seeking information from dominants on how they handle submissives that fight being under control. I can’t say I know for sure what some of you would say, but I do know that fighting with your dominant is not taken lightly and can lead to the end of the relationship. The point of a D/s relationship is the exchange of power. If you can not give up your power, then you can not submit. You can not have two tops in a D/s exchange with no bottoms to submit. It just doesn’t work.

Changing comes from within. It can not be forced from you by a dominant, no matter how strict they are. You have to find it within your own desires to submit. That does not mean you submit on your own terms only, but on a mutually decided platform. If you don’t trust your partner to care for what is important to you, no matter what that may be, then you can not have a safe D/s exchange.

Master and I have had times where trust was the issue. We have both worked hard to strengthen that bond we have and correct our shortcomings. Failing with trust is so very hard to come back to and it did almost kill us the summer of 2006. I did a lot to atone for what I did. This episode has molded us even today. There are things that I have to continue to prove to Master that I am trustworthy with and things that he now holds trust for me I never thought I’d gain back.

I am a changed person, I am better for it and also because of it. I am submissive and I finally am able to see why it is so powerful, so wonderful and so precious.

–luna

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