How should I behave when being punished and why my current behavior is inappropriate.
Punishment behavior is something I think is a learned behavior. As a child, you learn to cry and scream and pout, whine and all over be a terror whenever you are punished. At least that was how it was with me. I was terrified of getting my father’s wrath or my mother’s cold and hurtful words. I never learned from my misbehavior but more how to hide from the parents anger. This essay isn’t about that. It’s about how I behave now that I’m an adult when you punish me. I have new behaviors to learn.
When you have to punish me I never feel as I should. It’s not a forgive and forget offense. I live with the guilt of making you punish me for something I did or didn’t do. I get grumpy and childish. I tend to backtalk and egg you into more anger. I test your ability to keep your cool even under these circumstances. I have acted like it’s not important and casually dismissed the punishment as something that will pass and I will move on my merry way. In worse cases I can see myself fighting back. None of these behaviors are how I should act. I honestly think it’s part of my fight or flight response. I feel I have to defend myself and if that means acting out or acting childish then I do it. My temper tantrums are horrible and they do no good for either of us. In fact I think they harm our relationship.
Punishment is something I know you don’t like to do either. I know you would rather praise me for being good and learning and growing. I know that if it were possible you would never discipline me for anything. It’s the hardest thing I have to endure and I am sure it’s the hardest thing you have to do as well. I know that my behavior affects how the act of punishing me affects you. I know that if I behaved better you would do better at recovering from punishing me.
I think the best way for me to act when punished is accepting and responsive to the punishment. I hope to be able to accept it maturely and apologetically. I also hope to someday be able to take the punishment as a learning experience and move on. I want to be able to be punished and then still know that you love me, move on with my day as if nothing happened and yet remember and learn from my misdeeds or errors. This has yet to happen but there has to be a way to build up to it.
All it takes is a desire to change and I will be able to change. I have to know from you what behavior you want me to do when I am punished. Do you want me to come to you humbly and accept the punishment? Do you want me silent and doting? Perhaps this needs to be discussed. I know you have a dislike for how I respond now but I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you about how you want me to act.
How do others act? How does a submissive accept a punishment for something they have done and not have it tear at them for disappointing their Dominant and having that guilt follow them day in and out until they are able to recover?