Monthly Archives: March 2008

Life is Worth Living

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I have a headache, which means that this post will either be rambling or so full of thought that you wouldn’t believe I had a headache. Either way I’m sure it will be enjoyable. Come along for the ride.

I’ve been doing a lot of reevaluating my life lately. How I wonder if I’m working the right job, or caring for myself enough (which I’m not) or caring for Master enough… on and on until it’s enough to just explode! I guess what it all comes down to is if I’m happy. I am. I’m very happy. I’m working with new rules and Master and I have had some of the best sex recently. We have perpetual plans for play since we aren’t very spontaneous when it comes down to it. We aren’t strapped for cash, we have a small savings for Shibaricon in May and all in all things run smoothly.

I’m not great at making and keeping friends. They seem to run through my fingers. It’s not just that we aren’t compatible, it’s because neither party wants to manage the upkeep. I wonder if my best friend and I are just friends because we know so much about each other and know that she calls me because she gets free long distance, it’s not about that I don’t want to call her. We just have this unspoken agreement. If I get free long distance I would be calling her everyday. Which she does in short durations anyhow. We’re going on 2o years as best friends. Been through a whole lot together and I don’t see us separating even if she lives 1400 miles away right now getting her PhD in Sociology. She’s such an intelligent woman. I am jealous of her. I know I wouldn’t have the stuff to make it that far.

Can Master and I make it? Most certainly I can see us together for a very long time, but unlike past relationships I don’t tend to ponder what it would be like in 5 years, 10 years, further. It’s just not necessary. Anyhow things are constantly shifting and changing, I have no idea what I’ll be like in that long, let alone our relationship. I’ve gone so far in my submission that I can’t look back at what was either. On occasion my best friend will mention how much I’ve changed. Usually it’s things like, “You know, 5 years ago it would have been hard for me to call and not have the conversation always be about you. Now it’s like I always have you ear even if I’m the one that needs to vent. I always feel better after talking with you.” It’s a good feeling to know I’m not as needy, self absorbed and gossipy. It gets rid of the drama.

Speaking of drama, there is some heavy shaking going on in a local munch group that while everyone involved is my friend it makes me wonder what sort of a fallout will affect our new blossoming group. I want to stay friends with everyone involved and I’m sure I can to some extent, but it also means learning when I can talk about someone and when I can’t. It’s like walking on eggshells. Not very fair; but that’s drama.

On to blog drama, I did upgrade my WordPress to 2.5 successfully. I was playing with it when Master let me log in as root to the database server. This is where I deleted my blog. Completely. Poof. In one second I had no blog. Thankfully I remembered I had a backup from 3 months ago. But I did loose a lot of posts that were prewritten to be posted well into this year in fact. I lost all of my comments and a few other things. It’s sad, but I will have to just move on. It means a little bit more work to recover my thought process on the path this blog is taking and here’s some of the things I’d like to continue blogging about on here:

  • My constant training and it’s struggles. This is the most important part of this journal and I hope that I can continue to express how living as a submissive full time is just plain hard.
  • Sex and play with Master. I’m really feeling the need to write more descriptively the play and sex that Master and I have. It’s wonderful experiences that while Master has certain things he’d like kept secret I know he’d love to read my juicy thoughts on this blog.
  • My challenge to lose weight. It’s not going to be in the forefront but it’s who I am. It’s a part of my everyday so it’s a part of this blog.
  • Thursday Questions. It’s almost like journal prompts, but not. Heh. I like the participation it brings.

I’m sure there are other things I could include in that list, but this is a good start. I’m happy and for the most part, don’t see any dark cloud forming on the horizon.

–luna

Newly Discovered Blogs – Your Vote

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Usually I have a Newly Discovered Blogs post today, but since I lost all of my scheduled posts for future posting I don’t have the list of new blogs!

So, if you have a blog that I have not added to my blogroll that you’d love to see in the sidebar for the next month, make a comment here and I will put it up! This is your chance to get noticed :)

–luna

Don't Give Me Root Access

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I deleted my blog! Oh boy. I found a back up that is 3 months old so there are is a huge gap in missing everything. I can’t get it back so I guess we just need to pick up where we left off. I’m missing over 200 posts, some were prepped to post in the future, and all of Luna’s Lessons posts that were being moved here are gone too.

It’s all my fault and I feel horrible. It’s not the end of the world, but I feel like a part of me is missing.

EDIT: I have imported my livejournal feed of posts I was missing. While none of these have tags, categories, images or comments I at least have the posts and can start over again.

Flood

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There is nothing more powerful than sex after a draught. In this case a draught caused by dear Red Plague. Last night Master and I had some of the most mind blowing sex we’ve had in a long time, and that’s really saying something because we rarely have anything less than great sex. We had been teasing each other with thoughts all day long about sex and being so raunchy that by the time I got home from work I couldn’t bathe fast enough.

The chemistry that Master and I have is very primal and we wanted to consume each other’s energy and feed off of one another. Our hands were all over each other. There was pain and pleasure, lots of pleasure.

I had such a powerful orgasm that it shot the butt plug and dildo out of my holes. Oh My God it was so good. Master always makes it good

–luna

Thursday Question #29: Conveying Anger Appropriately

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Everyone gets angry, but as a submissive how do you convey that anger? What ways do you release the anger? What if you are angry with your partner? How do you safely express your feelings without regrets?

Fat Chance

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Master had me take a sleeping pill last night to help me sleep. I didn’t stay asleep as I had hoped but I think the sleep I did get was more restful. I don’t feel as tired today. Thank God.

Master and I have started a bit of a sexual banter with each other. This is more than just ‘I wanna fuck when you get home’ stuff. It’s really a turn on and I only wish we had started this sooner. I think I’m going to love it! I feel more sexual and desirable and in turn it makes me more horny. Plus on both sides, don’t you think?

I’ve come to the hard conclusion today that I’m not going to lose weight the way I’ve been at this. I’m all haphazard and not trying at all. If I’m going to get down 40 lbs by the end of this year I have a long way to go. I need to knuckle down and bear the hard days ahead, the hunger, the aching muscles and the annoyance of tracking every single thing I eat. I’ve been so bad that I expect that Master will be punishing me for it on Sunday. There’s no getting out of it now. I’m screwed.

So, how am I going to get to work on eating right and getting 30 minutes of exercise everyday? I haven’t a clue. I know I felt more obligated to keep going when I kept a diet blog and posted in it every single day. I’ve pondered doing it here or over on SparkPeople where I will be tracking my food and exercise. I’m not sure where yet but I know I need to do it. The WordPress.com blog is coming down. I don’t need another place to blogAdmitting every failure and success should help me stay focused on the goal… size 24 by the end of the year! Ultimate goal of size 16! For you pound folks, that’s 125 lbs. Yes I’m that overweight.

I’ve had so many people say to take it slow, but I think that is part of my problem. I’m thinking if I go slow I’ll still lose and what I need to do is really dig in and dig in deep. I need to deny myself the sweets I crave, the fatty salty foods. I need to say no. As I get better and lose weight I can slowly allow myself these things again. I will constantly say it isn’t fair, I know that. I will struggle. I will ache. My heartburn will come back. I must struggle through it. I must succeed.

You’ve heard it here before. I only hope that this is the last time I have to start over again. It’s painful, It’s depressing and I have to yet again admit defeat, dust myself off and climb back on board. I hate this part. I really do.

Starting now I will reorganize my priorities. My priorities must center around Master and my health. If they don’t they aren’t at the top of the list anymore.

–luna

Domestically Challenged

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domestic -

  1. of or pertaining to the home, the household, household affairs, or the family: domestic pleasures.
  2. devoted to home life or household affairs.

We all have a home to live in; be it an apartment, house, mobile home, condo or mansion. We all have to do some housework to maintain that home. I admit that I do clean the house on occasion, but rarely to the point of spotless shine that I’ve seen other houses. I was raised with the motto, “If you’ve come to see me, come on in; if you’ve come to see the house, make an appointment.” I’ve always lived in some form of disarray. From dishes left undone, the floor needing vacuuming, or god forbid the toilet needing a good brushing. For goodness sake I’m human and I won’t hold anyone up to a higher standard than I do myself. We all have different temperaments when it comes to housekeeping and home affairs. My best friend is always cleaning and has always done so. She’ll clean the kitchen counters before dinner is even finished being prepared; clean as you go it’s called. Yeah, I gave that a try once. It didn’t go over well.

I’ve had a few submissives say to me that if I don’t care for the house and my Master’s home I am not showing him respect. Well, sure I see that. I also see that not every single person cares for their house the same way. I’d rather do less cleaning and more enjoying of my free time. I think Master appreciates that I spend more time with him than with the house. Honestly he’s let the cleaning go for so long that I don’t think it bothers him in the same way as it would bother others. He knows I’ll do some madhouse cleaning on the weekends and the house will be decent for most of the week after. He’s cool with that.

I’ve tried to be more domestically inclined. I’ve joined Flylady.net’s discussion group to help me get on task. I’ve created her home control journal that basically is a set of routines and cleaning schedules with some grocery lists and contact lists thrown in. I still have that journal. Sometimes I pull it out, sometimes it just collects dust. It’s great for those, like me, who live by lists. I just can’t find the discipline to work the journal every day. Discipline of course is another topic.

I’m now on the 30 minute plan. I set the timer and do cleaning for 30 mins, then 30 mins doing whatever I want to do. On and off the timer goes through the day as things get done in their own time. But the wonderful thing is… they get done. The timer method does stretch things out but it also doesn’t burn me out. I dislike cleaning that much.

If Master set a cleaning schedule I’m sure I’d endeavor to do it. I don’t see him as that type yet. He’s of course learning what he wants too and it may change as we grow closer and closer to that perfection we have in mind for us. When that time comes I’ll worry about it.

For now I’m domestically challenged. I’d love to learn more about how to organize my time cleaning, special talents like napkin folding, proper tea and coffee service, event planning and dinner parties. It would be an elegance that is attractive to me. Right now just isn’t the time.

–luna

Looking for D/s? Look Elsewhere Today…

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I’ve not been feeling quite myself lately. I went to bed at 7pm last night, without dinner and slept albeit fitfully for the entire night. I’ve been having problems sleeping I’ve noticed but can’t pin down a source to my frequent waking at night. It’s never enough for me to get out of bed for, but I’m awake, I feel awake, and then I drift off to sleep again. I’m constantly aware of how the covers are, where the cat(s) are and if Master is in bed with me. He’s a night owl, if I haven’t mentioned that recently. I hope I can get decent sleep soon as I have so much I’d rather be doing!

I cleaned out my front closet yesterday and tossed 4 garbage bags full of stuff. And that’s exactly what it was, just stuff. Stuff I thought I’d use, or want in the future but never took out of the box, or storage container, some stuff still had tags on it. How valuable is it to me if I’ve never even seen it since purchase? Nope, not keeping it in my house. I have decluttered it. Next item on the chopping block is my corner bookshelf. It has board games and resource books from my college days on it. They are collecting so much dust and cat hair that the thing looks alive. I’m not tossing those items, but they are going into storage until I’m ready to toss them or give them a better home. (Maybe when we have a larger apartment, they will have a permanent home.)

I feel so disorganized lately. I’ve realized that my normal organizational skills have shriveled and I desire to be cleaned up and know where everything is. I used to be able to tell you where all my bills were, what’s been paid and when… now I couldn’t tell you more than I got the gas bill last week and it’s somewhere in the pile of things on my desk. My desk is such a pile that I have not sat at it with my laptop in over 2 weeks. It’s got to go.

At work I have two current issues. First I’m scatterbrained. I am more organized there than at home but there are times I ask the same questions more than once because I forgot what the answers were, my to do lists aren’t as detailed and so I wonder why I wrote some of the things I did, what they meant at the time and so forth. My second issue is that I’m very bored. My job has settled into the same thing every day; there are no new surprises, no exciting things to try, no training to give, nothing. I sit at my desk more often than ever now and I’m afraid of what may become of my desire to work at this job. I love the company, the work was very exciting at first and it had a lot of diverse learning requirements. Now I’m not going anywhere and I feel restless. I don’t want to leave this job but I don’t want to continue doing nothing new all day. I can’t stand same-old same-old. I need variety and challenge. That’s all dried up here.

Can I get paid more for something elsewhere? Most likely. Do I want to leave the wonderful benefits package and decent schedule behind? Not really. But can I be happier somewhere else? Maybe I’m the type of person that can only be happy at a job while they are learning it, as it stays challenging? Once the challenge is gone I need something else? It could just be a phase I’m going through. I hope it’s just a phase. I hate job hunting and the job market really sucks right now.

I’m guilty of not doing well with my diet plan and this gets me down but I’m not doing a darn thing to change that so I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much. Just 20 lbs ago I was feeling so much healthier and happier. If I could get back there, and soon, I know I could keep going. Yeah, well I’m miss negative lately. We’ll see how I do.

–luna

You May Come Now

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Orgasm denial and control is a well documented activity online; you can find all sorts of thoughts and opinions, how-tos and what nots from anyone and everyone under the sun. I’m not intending to add any more new ideas to this topic. Here are, in my opinion, a couple of the better written essays out there:

SMack! Orgasm Control and Training

Enforced Male Chastity: Questions about Orgasm Denial

If you know of any others, please drop it in the comments and I will add it

When Master said that I was to only orgasm when he said so I was baffled at two things. The first being the challenge of coming when he said so. The second was my willpower to not come if he said no. The battle of wills would be pushed over and over again. When my ability to masturbate was taken away I was sure that I would shrivel up into a prude and loose all desire for sex. I was half right.

Let me begin with the command to come. At first I was unsure how that would go. I can’t just come by thinking about it and I knew from experience that I was the only one that could get me off in 30 seconds flat. How I was going to be ready to come when he said so was a question that came up right away. Well, it turns out I was worried for nothing. He would ask of course, if I was on the edge, if I was wanting to come soon. No pressure right? That meant I had to learn to relax and let myself feel and become more a part of my orgasm than I ever had in the past. I had to learn to control it. I had to learn to voice when I was close. Both of these things were very hard.

The main reason I was doubtful of being able to come on command was that I was very unsure that Master would be able to touch the right spots, turn me on so much that he could do it. Past experience was lacking in that department. I came into this relationship not expecting to come without my own two fingers. That was quickly rectified. He is quite sharp at picking up my sighs and shivers and knowing (and remembering) exactly where I want and need to be touched. I’ve never been happier with Master’s abilities.

My other doubt was what would happen when he said, “Come!” and I couldn’t. What if I just was too embarrassed, not ready, his finger moved and I lost the moment, or something else happened. Would I be letting him down? Would he try to get me back there or would he say I had my chance and now it was over? What if I wasn’t able to relax and let it wash over me once he gave permission? All valid questions at the time. Talking with Master reassured me completely. If I wasn’t ready or something happened last moment all I need do was say so. He wouldn’t leave me hanging unless that was the game he was playing and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed if I just couldn’t get there when he wanted me to. We’d work on all of it.

It was inevitable that there would be a moment when I was so close to coming that when I asked he said ‘No’. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and bucked, fighting his fingers, grabbing them so that he would stop because my whole core said that something bad would happen if I came anyway. ‘Holding it’ is almost impossible. I pant, I squeeze my eyes shut. I beg harder. It’s a game to him. To me it’s a will to obey. I have not yet come without permission; he likes to watch me struggle and then give me release after a few denials. A dirty trick, for sure!

Master took my ability to masturbate away from me for a long duration. During that time my sexual drive actually plummeted and it had a detrimental effect on our relationship. I have my ability to masturbate again ( as long as I tell him I did so ). It’s a relief mechanism, stress reliever and I find it harder than ever now. It’s not like if I got caught in the act I would be in trouble. I find it hard to tell him in the morning that I had masturbated because I don’t want him to think that I didn’t want him. Masturbation for me hasn’t really ever been about pleasure. I don’t think it ever will be.

To come for Master when he commands it is highly more pleasurable than I ever thought it could be. I do have to get over the humiliation of begging for permission. I really do hate it. He says I’m getting better at it, and for that I’m grateful. It will mean that one day I will be perfect at begging? Maybe. Maybe he’ll just set the bar higher then. Either way, coming when he wants it is a powerful piece of my submission in his hands. And I like it like that.

Comfortable Experience Level

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Thank you everyone who commented on the Thursday Question about experience. It’s a challenging topic, to say the least.

Determining experience is a tricky for anyone. There are a lot of variables in deciding if you are experienced or not. I could say that I’m experienced in that I’ve been living in a D/s relationship for almost 4 years now. But is that really the case? Yes I can say that I’m learning the ropes still but I don’t feel comfortable saying I’m experienced. That really is what it comes down to; comfort.

Experience is being comfortable in your knowledge and time of exposure.

I’m comfortable with my experience in sexual aspects, and I feel that it’s the most easy to be comfortable with. Anyone can explore sex with their partners until they are comfortable with what they want to explore. With Master I’ve experienced a lot of pleasure at his hands. I can only hope that what I have left to experience is with him as well.

I’m comfortable with being a bottom in a scene, although the more intense they are the scarier and more uncertain I am. I’m learning as I go on this one so I can’t say that I’m experienced with intense pain and am not an experienced masochist. I don’t think I’ve moved far past the newbie stage with this one only because of the lack of practice. More practice and confidence in myself would lift my comfort level in this aspect.

I’m still a newbie when it comes to being submissive and I have a sharp learning curve. I think once I stop fighting my urges to be dominant and my desires to be submissive I can develop more into the submissive I need to be and the submissive he wants to be.

(A little aside here, Master says I AM the submissive he wants, he’s just perfecting me and I like it that way. He loves me as I am and will love me just the same as I develop. )

I could enumerate all the activities that Master and I have participated in but that would be a long and boring list. Let’s just say that I’m not 100% experienced in anything.

–luna

Thursday Question #28: Experience and Comfort Level

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

How much experience do you have? How do you calculate that? Is it the sum of all your years? Is it the comfort level you have with activities? When are you not considered a ‘newbie’ anymore?

Personal Failure Becomes a Failure for Both

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I’ve gained 5 lbs in one week. Surprising right? Well not as bad as the fact that I asked Master to be my conscience and I never listened to him. He’d ask me if I really needed to eat something and I’d just go ahead and do it. It’s my own darn fault and like a lot of obese people it’s really easy to put on more weight because the metabolism is so slow it’s barely there. Going up a flight of stairs can get me winded.

It wasn ‘t always this way. I was 24 lbs lighter over a year and a half ago. I felt better about myself, I was down a dress size, my knees didn’t hurt and I had a better mood. I want that again, but it appears that I’m not willing myself to work hard at it.

I’m lazy and seem perfectly fine with the fact that every day my pants get tighter and less of my clothing looks good on me.

Master is very disappointed and has insisted that I begin to listen to him.

I must obey. If I don’t, then my health may keep me from being with him as long as I intend.

I love him more than myself. Maybe I need to stop doing this for me, and begin doing this for us. I certainly has a more powerful pull.

–luna

Saying No to Sex Acts

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Saying no. This is a difficult essay for me. I assume you wanted me to write about when I say no to sexual things. A lot of the time when I say no, it has reason behind it. The rest of the time, I realize it is excuses. How I feel about saying no is contingent on the reason behind my answer.

Occasion: I am not in the mood. I say no because I’m not in the mood for whatever activity you have requested of me. Usually this is a time that my sexual urges just aren’t present. I feel it is okay for me to say no in this case because I know that you would do the same. I feel just fine saying no when I’m not in the mood.

Occasion: I’m under a lot of stress. I say no because I can’t get past the stressful situation to focus my attention on what you have requested. This happens a lot more than I care to have happen. I do hope that as things level out or get better that my mind will focus less on stressful things and more on my submission work. I feel that when I say no in this state I’m more aggravated that you couldn’t see that I am stressed. I’d like to say that this is a valid reason to say no, but I want to get to the point that this is an excuse and not use it.

Occasion: I just don’t want to. This is an excuse and a half. I don’t have anything good to say about this one. Nothing else holds me back other than I’m just not interested. That is different than not being in the mood. I could be extremely horny during this time and just not want to do whatever it is you have asked of me. I perceive this as a punishable offense.

Occasion: I’m physically grossed out. This generally has to do with something I’m either not comfortable with, afraid of, or in the case of blow jobs, I just don’t like the taste of semen. It can happen during anal sex as well however I think I’m progressing better with that now that enemas aren’t foreplay for that. That was the ultimate gross out. What I can’t decide, is if this is an excuse or a reason. I don’t know if it’s okay to say no, or to just bear it. I get hung up here and this is a time that I feel guilty for saying no. It hurts even more when you show that it’s really affecting you as well. I feel rotten and worthless in these moments and I can’t get over the urge to just say no, even with the self inflicted consequences and your reaction to them.

Occasion: When I know that whatever you have asked will not get me anything in return. I realize this isn’t submissive of me, but I also know that you want me to sexually ferocious and craving more often. I see the only resolution is to “reward” me with more sex for doing something that you wanted, when you know I have an issue with it. At this point in my ‘training’ a Thank you just doesn’t seem enough for me to go on my own merry way and be pleased that I made you happy. I can’t explain it. So I say now because I know that you aren’t going to offer me anything in return.

I know some of these occasions seem greedy. I realize that I am not submissive in the last case at all. But the thing you have to remember is that I’m not fully submissive yet, I am still a normal woman with desires and needs. I do not feel right asking you for things every single time, I like to know that you have my desires at heart as well and can foresee when I might want something.

While I understand that saying no should be a last resort, I don’t feel that it should be taken away. With work between me and you we will work to get these occasions of excuses under control. I know that. I love you and want to make you happy, and myself happy in return.

This moment

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There’s this moment, when he looks at me and does that little wink of his that reminds me just how fun, loving and fabulous my life has been with him around. I guess I don’t say it enough here on this blog but I love my Master completely; with my entire being.

I’ve done a lot of self discovery and self-searching recently and there is wiggle room. I’m far from perfect and I have a long road ahead of me; but what makes this all worthwhile is that he’s on the journey with me. He’s not at the end or pushing me from behind, he’s walking beside me.

This is the way it’s meant to be. We support each other, we grow from each other and better yet; we have so much fun together.

All of the times he tosses me kisses, and snuggles and affectionate touches. I’m in love.

He says he won’t ever grow up; I kinda like it that way. He plays games and is entertained by the simplest things. Then he is all man and shows me just how special I am to him.

And he’s so hot!

–luna

HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT

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If you have been reading my blog you know that I’ve been working on revising my parent site, The Iron Gate. Well, the wait is over! I have debuted the site and hope that everyone will come on over and take a look at the new design, new method and the ease of adding your own items to The Iron Gate!

With this new version I have opened the site up to comments from readers, user submitted book ratings and reviews, easy link submission (add your favorites now!), fast quote addition and voting and a simple process to submit your essays, poetry and stories to The Iron Gate!

Take a look at all is available today!

–luna

Speaking

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In previous posts I’ve talked about the speech training that Master has me learning. He’s finally come closer to what he wants me to do, and I’ve been practicing it as much as possible.

It’s been a hard trip, but I’ve slowly been changing how I say things to make it more like seeking permission instead of commanding or just telling him. Getting gas after work used to be something like this; “I’m going to the gas station after work.” It’s now, “Master, may I go to the gas station after work?” Every situation like that has had to change. Sometimes it works and other times I get the look. I’m getting better at correcting myself before the sentence gets too far and I know he sees that.

I guess part of why this is difficult for me is that I’m not that good at asking for what I want, it’s more like I tell someone. Since Master has taken over more of my life I’ve had to give up the command control. It’s a natural progression and one that I’m not fighting often. But I have gotten testy a time or two about being corrected. Hopefully nothing that gets written in Master’s black book.

Speaking of Master’s book, it’s seen action this week. I didn’t blog yesterday like I was supposed to, which is another reason I’m blogging right now; I have to make up the missed post and pay for it tomorrow too. I’m also about 20 minutes shy of exercise for this week. Hopefully I get moving and do it tomorrow. I’ve done 30 minutes today. Next week is going to be hard because I hope to bump it up to 80 minutes. I have a feeling that I’m going to struggle hard to get there.

–luna